I dislike my moms boyfriend for no reason

[hew]

All ive ever wanted is for my mom to be happy and fall in love and be treated the way she deserves to be treated. However, she ends up falling head over heals for guys that usually leave her or end up to be idiots so shes obligated to leave them. The one she has now, is really a nice kind guy. It just annoys me how hes always here and acts like he knows everything. It sounds so selfish of me, and it probably is, but im just now used to having a man around. My dad was abusive and we left him when i was 6 and im not 18. So i have never had a father figure in my life, ever. I just wanted some advice, on how to deal with these feelings. I'm just angry.

[Eve]

I would say that you have had a lot of negative experiences and so your guard is up. I hope your Mum understands this and you can both talk about things.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself and at the same time try not to be too defensive. This one may be ok and at least you are a young adult now and can effectively (I hope) use your voice if anything remotely dodgy goes off.

 

Personally I am very distrusting of men and would advise all women to be so until they know differently. So, don't think you are supposed to just trust him, like if everything in your past did not happen.

 

Talk to your mum.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Trimmer]

All ive ever wanted is for my mom to be happy and fall in love and be treated the way she deserves to be treated. However, she ends up falling head over heals for guys that usually leave her or end up to be idiots so shes obligated to leave them. The one she has now, is really a nice kind guy. It just annoys me how hes always here and acts like he knows everything. It sounds so selfish of me, and it probably is, but im just now used to having a man around. My dad was abusive and we left him when i was 6 and im not 18. So i have never had a father figure in my life, ever. I just wanted some advice, on how to deal with these feelings. I'm just angry.

...did you mean "I was 6 and I'm now 18" or what?

 

If you are now 18, then it's been 12 years in which you've been playing the role of observer, judge, and somewhat protector of your mom. Based on your experience with your abusive biological father, and your mom's experiences since, you have probably come to conclude that you and she are better off without a male in that position in her life.

 

So when one comes along who objectively might actually fit OK, you are having a strong emotional reaction to it. This is not terribly surprising, when you consider that, essentially, in your entire life, you have never seen this work.

 

A lot of people would stop right there, and get mired in "I dislike him, I don't trust him," and never take it any further. The thing you have going for you is that you are questioning and trying to explore those feelings, and you are acknowledging your wish for your mother to find someone to be happy with. This ablilty to explore both sides of that coin is commendable.

 

But I would imagine, given your experience, that it will be a struggle, not only accepting the presence of a man in your mom's life, but I'm going to guess that you will be similarly guarded about the idea of a man in your own life.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't have a lot to offer you as direct solutions. I think there's hope, but it's not like a few simple pieces of advice or some clever bumper sticker sayings are going to solve things for you. It probably won't help for me to tell you that "some men are good ones"- you can probably accept that intellectually, but still have an emotional defense up against it.

 

But if you are open enough to see both sides of that, you are at least prepared to address it. You may choose to struggle through it yourself, get some help with that (counseling?) but one way or another, it will probably take some significant work to wind you way back through a whole life's worth of experiences that tell you to keep your defenses on high alert.

[UpwardForward]

All ive ever wanted is for my mom to be happy and fall in love and be treated the way she deserves to be treated. However, she ends up falling head over heals for guys that usually leave her or end up to be idiots so shes obligated to leave them. The one she has now, is really a nice kind guy. It just annoys me how hes always here and acts like he knows everything. It sounds so selfish of me, and it probably is, but im just now used to having a man around. My dad was abusive and we left him when i was 6 and im not 18. So i have never had a father figure in my life, ever. I just wanted some advice, on how to deal with these feelings. I'm just angry.

 

Hello Hew,

 

Could you elaborate more on he "acts like he knows everything". Does he just share knowledge about general worldly issues - or does he verbally interfere with the day to day home/family issues?