Unreasonable Insecurities

[Techie]

I apologize in advance for this being really long, but there's a lot that has to be explained. I'll split it up into 3 parts: background info, the positives, and the negatives.

 

 

 

I've been with this girl for almost 3 months. We go to a private university and both live on campus. A mutual friend introduced us around the time of our winter break. We had already seen each other before through an activity. She had been admiring me from afar, and I had also found her interesting. Our schedules just never lined up, so it took this mutual friend to get us talking. We started off texting each other over the break until we were back at school for the new semester. After that, we talked and hung out a lot for about a month, and it was very obvious where it was going. We clicked very well and decided to officially call ourselves together.

 

 

 

Positives. We're very comfortable around each other. Our values are very similar - neither of us drinks, we have the same opinions on being real and honest, we both value being level-headed and objective about most things, etc. She's extremely mature and reasonable with just about everything, and I really dig that. Though our majors are very different, we have some big mutual interests as well. We have fun and do adventurous things sometimes, but we also both enjoy simple things. Most important of all, we can open up to each other. We've already had quite a few long, honest talks about various subjects. Overall, we truly feel that we're perfect for each other.

 

 

 

Negatives. Despite all the positives, I have some insecurities that creep up from time to time - much more than I would like within the past couple weeks. I'm having a little trouble pinpointing one main insecurity, but I'm close to believing it all stems from self-value and self-esteem.

 

Lately, I've been getting upset over what I know are stupid reasons, and I've been over-analyzing and interpreting things the wrong way. For one thing, if we've made plans and she's changed something last minute even slightly, I've gotten moody. I start to tell myself she's trying to avoid me, even though I know that's not the case. It's just the feeling that comes over, and I have a hard time controlling it.

 

Something similar happens frequently when we're with her friends or she has plans with her friends. Almost all of her friends are guys, including the one she refers to as her "best friend." This is because of her personality. She avoids drama, and the basic ways she interacts makes her get along with guys much more than other girls. They are all really cool guys, and I can see myself being friends with all of them. In fact, I hang out and have meals with them occasionally when she's not around. I also have a class with one of them, and we always sit next to each other and get along great. The problem is that when I'm with her while she's with her friends, these emotions sometimes come over me. In no way does she act flirty with her guy friends, but she sometimes seems more energetic and goofy. I've talked to her about this, and she says it's superficial and doesn't mean she's any happier - it's just how she acts in a group or with certain people. I believe it, because I'm that way with my friends as well. I'm an extremely goofy dude. But once again - there's the feeling that comes over. I can't help but feel at times like her guy friends have something over me. Especially the "best friend," whom she's known twice as long as she's known me. They're all involved in things with her that I'm not, mostly because of the honors program they're in. I get jealous or feel like I'm not on the same level as her and her friends. Sometimes, I really feel beneath them - like she would rather hang out with them than me. When it's at its absolute worst, I fear the possibility of losing her to one of them eventually. It's very frustrating because I know - even as it happens - that there's not actually a good reason to feel this way.

 

Probably the worst part about it all is that it betrays all the values I've said we share. Throughout the past couple weeks, I haven't been who I want to be. Don't get me wrong - I don't blow up or act like a total douche bag. No way would I do that. I'll just let myself get moody over these things, and I'll act distant and grumpy around her for short periods of time. I open up and talk to her about it eventually, but not right away when it's just happened. I just feel like letting it simmer. She's told me that lately, she's felt the need to be careful about what she says and does so not to make me moody and distant, and it kills me to hear her say that. Neither of us is going to give up easily, and she's willing to bear with me while I work on getting over all this. I just don't want it to take long enough to damage our relationship beyond repair. It shouldn't even be an issue in the first place. I want to figure out how to cope with these situations and feelings more often, focus on myself as much as I should, and not read into things too much or the wrong way. I realize that she isn't doing anything wrong. It's all my problem, and I never blame her. That's another thing - I'm worried that all this self-blaming is going to make her annoyed with me at some point.

[january2011]

These are the parts of your post that stood out to me:

 

I can't help but feel at times like her guy friends have something over me. Especially the "best friend," whom she's known twice as long as she's known me. They're all involved in things with her that I'm not, mostly because of the honors program they're in. I get jealous or feel like I'm not on the same level as her and her friends. Sometimes, I really feel beneath them - like she would rather hang out with them than me.

 

<snip>

 

She's told me that lately, she's felt the need to be careful about what she says and does so not to make me moody and distant, and it kills me to hear her say that.

 

<snip>

 

I'm worried that all this self-blaming is going to make her annoyed with me at some point.

 

You feel inadequate and jealous of these guys. You don't feel that you 'deserve' your girlfriend. That these guys deserve her more.

 

And she knows this, so she's on eggshells when she's around you.

 

As you rightly suspect, your behaviour will eventually push her away.

 

However, you have at least one thing that they don't have. You have her. She chose you. She chooses you. Most likely because you give her something that she doesn't get from the other guys. Otherwise, she'd be with them and not you. And since she's known the best-friend for a long time, if they were going to get together, they'd have done it already.

 

It's time to work on your insecurity. What would make you feel proud of yourself? What can you achieve that would make you a great person/boyfriend?

[Techie]

Thanks a lot for your reply, january2011.

 

All of these things I know and tell myself all the time. Just trying to work on overcoming the emotion that creeps up while in the moment. It isn't every time we're with her friends, either - but frequently. I just need some really good way to control it and not let myself act distant while it's happening or think ridiculous thoughts that contradict what I know to actually be true. Maybe this is beyond the scope of this forum, but I appreciate that someone replied.