mother in law trouble

[newlywed1]

I need some advice, I've only been married ONE month and I don't know what to do about this issue.

I am friends with my mother in law, in fact she is a very good friend, I knew her before i met her son, yes she is a lot older then me. We had an agreement that she would watch my kids( not biologically her grandchildren) and I would pay her a large sum of $ with income taxes. So I've known her about 2 years been watching the kids, met her son we fall in love and just got married, so i've known her about 4 years now and we still have the same deal set up for babysitting. Now she watches them only 3 days a week and she lives around the corner so it's very simple and convenient for both of us. But I can't take it, she is always wanting or needing something she has no car and we have to take her EVERYWHERE, we take her to work every morning and pick her up the days we aren't at work ourselves. I feel like our life revolves around her and what she needs or where she needs to go. I tired talking to my husband, I know this is a touchy subject that is his mother. So he decided that he would take her and I wouldn't have to any more to solve the problem.

Let me tell you , he doesn't like my mom and is always making little comments about her and that's ok, but lord forbid I say something about his mom. I like this woman but I don't like the fact that we can't ever do anything. He informs me that he does stuff for her and takes her places because she watches the kids for us, but I PAY her to watch them.

We just got into a huge fight last night over the issue. My husband has been working mandatory overtime 9 hour days mon-sat and every other sunday. I never get to see him! we wake up take our daughter to school his mother to work, pick our daughter up for pre-k (only half a day) and then we have to get ready for work. Now the last week he's had to go run his mom around in the mornings so we don't even have that time together.

Yesterday which was Saturday he decides to come home early because he is so tired and we are missing each other, guess what the first thing he does when he walks in the house, changes clothes and walks over to his moms comes back 5 minutes later to get the truck, she needs to go to Wal-mart.

 

I love this man with everything that I am, his mother is a dear friend. But I can't take it any more and don't know how to go about this situation, everything I try turns into a fight. Am I out of line? What can I do to make my husband understand my side ? I don't want to disrespect his mother either.

[TigerCub]

Who was doing the mom's chores and driving before you got married?

[Zane Lovepoxx]

This is the reason why a man should leave his father and mother, and you are not two but one.

 

I believe in cleaving. You should be the first human priority of your husband. and him being the spiritual leader of your family, he has to gently put that into play. That no one overrides you.

[Danie]

It’s not a good idea to try to come between a mother and son, no matter how old they are…that’s his mom and always will be his mom. He knows she only has so much time on this Earth and soon he will not be able to see her anymore. You wouldn’t want him to associate you with the reasons why he didn’t see his mother as much as he could when he could. Please understand that my husband’s parents are older and don’t have much time left.

 

That being said, you are his wife. You hold a special place in his heart and in his life, your very own spot that is not part of his mother or anything else…just you. It’s important for you to *know* that you are important to him. The only way you can truly know this is through his actions (IMO) towards you. I’d think that to address this issue focus on your time with him. Let him know that you, as a wife, want/need him to be your husband. You and he will need to decide exactly what that means.

 

Ideas: Take a two day vacation every month where your MIL will babysit for you as a MIL (no pay). Set up a driving around schedule. When my dad was still alive I had to drive him all over creation but this was done on Saturdays only. Then we could spend the whole day together. Rework your babysitting agreement with your MIL to reflect the new arrangements (ie- she’s grandma now and sometimes will be grandma babysitting= free sitting, it takes money to fill up your gas tank to drive her around, etc) Your husband my not like this, but it’s not right for you to have to ‘put up’ with things that so negatively impact your life. The deal is between you and your MIL not you and your husband.

[Radu]

I need some advice, I've only been married ONE month and I don't know what to do about this issue.

I am friends with my mother in law, in fact she is a very good friend, I knew her before i met her son, yes she is a lot older then me. We had an agreement that she would watch my kids( not biologically her grandchildren) and I would pay her a large sum of $ with income taxes. So I've known her about 2 years been watching the kids, met her son we fall in love and just got married, so i've known her about 4 years now and we still have the same deal set up for babysitting. Now she watches them only 3 days a week and she lives around the corner so it's very simple and convenient for both of us. But I can't take it, she is always wanting or needing something she has no car and we have to take her EVERYWHERE, we take her to work every morning and pick her up the days we aren't at work ourselves. I feel like our life revolves around her and what she needs or where she needs to go. I tired talking to my husband, I know this is a touchy subject that is his mother. So he decided that he would take her and I wouldn't have to any more to solve the problem.

Let me tell you , he doesn't like my mom and is always making little comments about her and that's ok, but lord forbid I say something about his mom. I like this woman but I don't like the fact that we can't ever do anything. He informs me that he does stuff for her and takes her places because she watches the kids for us, but I PAY her to watch them.

We just got into a huge fight last night over the issue. My husband has been working mandatory overtime 9 hour days mon-sat and every other sunday. I never get to see him! we wake up take our daughter to school his mother to work, pick our daughter up for pre-k (only half a day) and then we have to get ready for work. Now the last week he's had to go run his mom around in the mornings so we don't even have that time together.

Yesterday which was Saturday he decides to come home early because he is so tired and we are missing each other, guess what the first thing he does when he walks in the house, changes clothes and walks over to his moms comes back 5 minutes later to get the truck, she needs to go to Wal-mart.

 

I love this man with everything that I am, his mother is a dear friend. But I can't take it any more and don't know how to go about this situation, everything I try turns into a fight. Am I out of line? What can I do to make my husband understand my side ? I don't want to disrespect his mother either.

 

First of all, nice choice of avatar.

 

I think your hubby's a momma's boy, maybe try to get him to see the hypochrisy of bad mouthing your mom and you not allowed to say anything about his mom ?

Other than that ... therapy and more quality time ?

 

Danie is right btw, but she is right only in the fact that if you try to force yourself in between his mom and him, you will lose ... you need to understand that when it comes to his mom, this guy is like a scared 7yr old holding onto her skirt.

Maybe realizing how unhealthy all of this is will make him change.

 

I wouldn't let him continue on this path though.

Let's just say that i know from personal experience what it is to be involved with someone who puts her parents above everything else even when she has kids/couple.

It's not healthy ...

[Danie]

I must disagree with the idea that he’s a mommy’s boy. Maybe he just really loves his mom really respects his mom and will not stand for anyone bad mouthing her. In my culture, family is most important. You are part of his family now and that makes you most important, too. The way I’ve been taught is that when we come into this world as babies our parents do all to protect us, care for us, etc because we can’t do for ourselves. When our parents are old it’s our turn to protect them, care for them, etc. because they can’t do for themselves. They’ve given to us and we give back to them.

 

Put your foot down with him when he bad mouths your mom. Don’t stand for that. Let him know exactly what/why you feel on this matter.

[CarboniteCammy]

I guess my reactions on reading your post were 1) MIL may not realize she's being such a burden 2) You and your DH should be on the same page about this 3) Whatever decision you and your DH reach, your MIL needs to respect

 

It sounds like you guys have an awful lot of stressors in your life right now, not just the MIL issue. As a couple, you guys should be making spending time together a priority. While your husband may be very close to his mother, which I can appreciate because I like men who treat their moms well, he needs to not take you for granted.

 

Your job is to make him understand that without coming across like a harpy who is trying to undermine his relationship with his mom.

 

How are you communicating? When you talk to him, are you putting the onus for the issues you two are having squarely on his shoulders? Do you take responsibility for your part in things? Does he understand that you will help him "fix" this situation to the best of your abilities?

 

Being understanding and putting yourself in his shoes are the best way to start off a conversation about an issue you have. "Babe, I love you. I love your mom. I know you're extra tired and stressed from work. I really miss you and our quality time together. What can I do to lighten your load so that we have more time together?"

 

And if you have an open mind, who knows where the conversation will lead.

 

You may also find that if you are constructive in the way you speak about his mom that he becomes more positive about your mom. If he has valid concerns about your mom and the way she treats him or treats you or the grand kids, acknowlege that. No one's perfect. But, also don't hesitate to say things like, "When I talk negatively about your mom to you, how does that make you feel?"

 

And let him answer, honestly. Discuss the heart of those feelings.

 

And when he's done tell you how he feels, it's your turn to say, "Well, when you talk negatively about my mom, this is how I feel. I acknowlege that she may (insert whatever flaws he's noticed), but she's still my mom. Just like your mom (insert flaws you've noticed). It makes me also feel like this..."

 

And once you guys talk about it calmly, then you can say, "I'd really like a solution to these problems that works for both of us. Here is my proposal for how to fix this so we are not fighting about this."

 

And there's no reason you can't offer a solution. That way, again, he won't feel like it's all on him to fix this.

 

marriage is a partnership, regardless of what everyone else on here is saying. His mom is now your mom. Your mom is his mom. You guys MUST work as one.

Edited May 21, 2012 by CarboniteCammy

[BetheButterfly]

I need some advice, I've only been married ONE month and I don't know what to do about this issue.

I am friends with my mother in law, in fact she is a very good friend, I knew her before i met her son, yes she is a lot older then me. We had an agreement that she would watch my kids( not biologically her grandchildren) and I would pay her a large sum of $ with income taxes. So I've known her about 2 years been watching the kids, met her son we fall in love and just got married, so i've known her about 4 years now and we still have the same deal set up for babysitting. Now she watches them only 3 days a week and she lives around the corner so it's very simple and convenient for both of us. But I can't take it, she is always wanting or needing something she has no car and we have to take her EVERYWHERE, we take her to work every morning and pick her up the days we aren't at work ourselves. I feel like our life revolves around her and what she needs or where she needs to go. I tired talking to my husband, I know this is a touchy subject that is his mother. So he decided that he would take her and I wouldn't have to any more to solve the problem.

Let me tell you , he doesn't like my mom and is always making little comments about her and that's ok, but lord forbid I say something about his mom. I like this woman but I don't like the fact that we can't ever do anything. He informs me that he does stuff for her and takes her places because she watches the kids for us, but I PAY her to watch them.

We just got into a huge fight last night over the issue. My husband has been working mandatory overtime 9 hour days mon-sat and every other sunday. I never get to see him! we wake up take our daughter to school his mother to work, pick our daughter up for pre-k (only half a day) and then we have to get ready for work. Now the last week he's had to go run his mom around in the mornings so we don't even have that time together.

Yesterday which was Saturday he decides to come home early because he is so tired and we are missing each other, guess what the first thing he does when he walks in the house, changes clothes and walks over to his moms comes back 5 minutes later to get the truck, she needs to go to Wal-mart.

 

I love this man with everything that I am, his mother is a dear friend. But I can't take it any more and don't know how to go about this situation, everything I try turns into a fight. Am I out of line? What can I do to make my husband understand my side ? I don't want to disrespect his mother either.

 

That's a difficult issue.

 

Sad to say, I have never met my mother-in-law. She passed away 2 years ago... I never met her. My husband assures me though that she would love me and was praying for him to meet "me" before she died.

 

About the issue you're facing, maybe you could talk to your husband about a date night, at least once a week, reserved especially for you two, that his Mom knows about and hopefully supports? Marriage needs time alone with one's spouse, enjoying each other and growing/staying close together. Have you asked your husband and your husband's Mom for this time? I think starting with once a week date evening/night is more than reasonable, and it would not hurt your Mother-in-law at all that you and your husband grow in your marriage!!!

[Trimmer]

And ignore any idiots who tell you to leave or bail out!

You're actually the first one in this thread who has even mentioned that idea - or did I miss something?

[Goodenough]

Hey I can see how this would be very fustrating as you seem like a good person who cares a lot for your husband/ mother in law.

 

I feel as though the fact she watches your kids should be a seperate thing entirely. You pay her, she watches them- end of story. It does not mean you then have to do her constant favors. Yes, I know she is his mother and your mother in law but there needs to be some type of line drawn- you both have a life as well and need to be able to live it.

 

I don't know if this seems like a good idea or not but maybe try sitting down with her and talking to her with your husband. Have your husband explain to her that you both don't mind helping out but your lives have been busy and could you come up with some type of schedule. For example maybe Wednesdays or Thursdays you could help her run her errands, take her to appointments etc.. She will have to plan for this day as will you and maybe that will ease some of the tension. It can be done in a way where you don't even have to let on she has sort of become, well a pain.

 

I wish luck with this situation- mother in laws can be tricky!!

[Gagirl]

Welcome to the world of MILs! They only care about themselves and controlling their family. She doesn't care about you, your needs or your son's happiness. She could care less about your marriage. So here's what you need to do. 1) find alterative daycare, after school or hourly daycare. Try not to depend on her for anything. 2). If possible, move away from her. Like hours away if at possible. 3)do not discuss this with your husband unless you say "I am putting our daughter in full time daycare to increase her social skills, writing or whatever. Make it sound like it's all for the children and has nothing to with her. Next, start looking jobs and homes on the other side of town or hours away stating the school systems are better. Do not complain about her or say anything about her except to point out her bad behavior towards you. In due time, she will start being rude to you and snippy in front of your husband. Make sure and always point that out to him and talk about how much it hurts you. You have to be very careful when dealing with a self-absorbed woman such as this one. She will destroy your marriage if your not careful. Good Luck!

[MissBee]

This is touchy...and yet another example of how false it is, when people act like their SO's family or relationship with their family is irrelevant, when it is so far from the truth. As that relationship can either be a blessing in your marriage or a strain.

 

Your husband has to be the one to set the tone I agree. It is his mother. You are his wife and he has chosen to make a life with YOU. He doesn't need to leave mom behind and not care about her, but when you decide to marry, you're making your own family and you have to set up stuff that is conducive to your family and not please mom at the expense of your marriage. He should be on board with you to finding some alternatives and some ways of putting your needs and the needs of the marriage first, and helping his mom sometimes. You are not being unreasonable at all.

 

TigerCub asks a great question: who did all this stuff for her before you all married and before you knew her?

 

You should speak to your husband again and express to him gently that you miss him a lot, you feel you hardly have time to do stuff with him and you want to figure out something that makes everyone happy, but most importantly, helps the marriage. You need to do this when you're not stressed and when he's not, so that a difficult convo doesn't become even more difficult. Perhaps a third party can help you guys come to some agreement about this?

Edited June 15, 2012 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Hey I can see how this would be very fustrating as you seem like a good person who cares a lot for your husband/ mother in law.

 

I feel as though the fact she watches your kids should be a seperate thing entirely. You pay her, she watches them- end of story. It does not mean you then have to do her constant favors. Yes, I know she is his mother and your mother in law but there needs to be some type of line drawn- you both have a life as well and need to be able to live it.

 

I don't know if this seems like a good idea or not but maybe try sitting down with her and talking to her with your husband. Have your husband explain to her that you both don't mind helping out but your lives have been busy and could you come up with some type of schedule. For example maybe Wednesdays or Thursdays you could help her run her errands, take her to appointments etc.. She will have to plan for this day as will you and maybe that will ease some of the tension. It can be done in a way where you don't even have to let on she has sort of become, well a pain.

 

I wish luck with this situation- mother in laws can be tricky!!

 

I agree with this. I think it is always best to let your SO do the bulk of the negotiating and talks when it is their parent, so it doesn't seem like you're controlling them and you're the one trying to make a rift.

 

I think it is a good idea for newlywed and her husband to decide on one or two days a week where they take his mom to work and help her run her errands and appointments. This respects EVERYONE'S time. If she doesn't have her own car, then she must realize that she can't go up and down town on the fly like someone who does, and her husband and DIL cannot be her chauffeur on a whim either, as they have kids and their own life. So she has to plan her outings to fit into that schedule.

[MissBee]

I guess my reactions on reading your post were 1) MIL may not realize she's being such a burden 2) You and your DH should be on the same page about this 3) Whatever decision you and your DH reach, your MIL needs to respect

 

It sounds like you guys have an awful lot of stressors in your life right now, not just the MIL issue. As a couple, you guys should be making spending time together a priority. While your husband may be very close to his mother, which I can appreciate because I like men who treat their moms well, he needs to not take you for granted.

 

Your job is to make him understand that without coming across like a harpy who is trying to undermine his relationship with his mom.

 

How are you communicating? When you talk to him, are you putting the onus for the issues you two are having squarely on his shoulders? Do you take responsibility for your part in things? Does he understand that you will help him "fix" this situation to the best of your abilities?

 

Being understanding and putting yourself in his shoes are the best way to start off a conversation about an issue you have. "Babe, I love you. I love your mom. I know you're extra tired and stressed from work. I really miss you and our quality time together. What can I do to lighten your load so that we have more time together?"

 

And if you have an open mind, who knows where the conversation will lead.

 

You may also find that if you are constructive in the way you speak about his mom that he becomes more positive about your mom. If he has valid concerns about your mom and the way she treats him or treats you or the grand kids, acknowlege that. No one's perfect. But, also don't hesitate to say things like, "When I talk negatively about your mom to you, how does that make you feel?"

 

And let him answer, honestly. Discuss the heart of those feelings.

 

And when he's done tell you how he feels, it's your turn to say, "Well, when you talk negatively about my mom, this is how I feel. I acknowlege that she may (insert whatever flaws he's noticed), but she's still my mom. Just like your mom (insert flaws you've noticed). It makes me also feel like this..."

 

And once you guys talk about it calmly, then you can say, "I'd really like a solution to these problems that works for both of us. Here is my proposal for how to fix this so we are not fighting about this."

 

And there's no reason you can't offer a solution. That way, again, he won't feel like it's all on him to fix this.

 

marriage is a partnership, regardless of what everyone else on here is saying. His mom is now your mom. Your mom is his mom. You guys MUST work as one.

 

Awesome post!

[Miss Olivia]

His mom is his mom. It's not your burden to bear. I also believe in "leave and cleave." He can love and respect him mom, but still make you his priority.