Am I being selfish?

[Psuedo]

I am having a problem with my husband. We met at 17, moved in together at 19 were married by 21 and had both our children by the time we were 25. We are both 43. We have lived together the entire time with few long periods of separation.

 

He is now out of town for 2+ months for work with the potential for this turning into even longer. I did not want him to go but agreed because this will increase the likelihood of a promotion which is something he desires. He has been gone for six days.

 

I have my own issues with this separation based on experiences from my past. My father was never home and continuously cheated on my mother. I do not think this is something my husband would fall into but I understand the lure of temptation.

 

Another problem I have with this separation is how often he has already been absent. We survived on one income for many years while our children were small. He worked a significant amount of overtime to provide for us. He also worked to pay for the extra things he wanted. He has not been selfish about these extras as the majority benefited the whole family versus just him. I never said no to anything he wanted to buy as it was his money.

 

I was unable to spend very much on myself since I did not feel I worked for the money. I did everything both inside and outside the house as a result of my guilt over not “working”. I feel a considerable amount of resentment for this now.

 

He went to work and has admitted it was easier to be at work than to be at home with the kids. Our children are almost two years apart in age. So, I was left to do everything. I also worked a few hours a week at a family business just to keep my sanity when my kids were small.

 

I waited until my children were older and then went back to college. I finished my masters and started working full time 8 months ago. He paid for college, and I graduated with no student loan debt. I will make enough during my first year of work to more than pay for tuition and books so in essence pay him back for college. He used this as justification for his absence as he also wants to advance in his career.

 

I have an extremely stressful job and really need my home life to be as stress free as possible and his absence is seriously affecting me. I miss him and prefer having him home to the extra money he will make. I also feel abandoned since he saw how upset I was when he was leaving and yet has made minimal effort to keep in contact. I acknowledge there is a two hour time difference, so communication is difficult. I really do not have time during the day while I am at work to talk so that leaves evenings but by the time I am off work he is in bed. He will also have to work every other weekend and this further cuts into any time we will have to text, etc.

 

He wants me to fly out to spend the weekend with him, and the company will pay for this every 3 weeks. But, honestly since he makes the minimal effort to stay in contact I do not want to see him. I admit this is childish, but I am angry. I did not want him to go. My heart feels like it is breaking, because I miss him so much.

 

So, am I being unreasonable? Sorry for the novel.

[standtall]

Yes you are.

[TigerCub]

You've been with this man for so long that I'm sure the distance is hard on both of you.

 

He's made efforts to make it easier for you to stay home when you wanted, to get your masters degree when you wanted, and now its your turn to make efforts and sacrifices for him to reach his goals.

 

Don't feel like a bad person for feeling the way you do - I am guessing that this "anger" is actually just coming from hurt and from missing him.

 

I say, go on those weekends that his work is paying for for you to see him. Make the most of that time and reconnect with each other.

[knitwit]

It's great that his company will pay for you to travel. Will they pay for him to travel back home? Can you switch every other trip so that he comes back?

 

Also, can you afford for housekeepers, lawn mowers, etc to help you take of things while he is gone?

 

It is lovely that he helped take care of your wants- you were able to stay home, you were able to go to school, etc. But I assume that he also wanted to you to stay home? And that he also benefits from your income? Assuming this is true, you were able to get to a win-win then; now it is time to get to a win-win now.

 

Work together to determine what you need to be happy- more contact, more effort, whatever it is. Listen to what he needs. How long will this go on? You are still a team! You told him it was OK to go, so work with what you've got. BUT- be clear on what the expectations were. My DH agreed with me traveling for X amount of time so I could get a promotion and be at home. My traveling killed him, because his first wife cheated on him, and his dad cheated on his mom. We had to get to basics to find out what would make him comfortable while I was traveling- no bars, calls each night, texts, etc. I was more than happy to do this- I would have wanted to call, text him daily anyway. Thanks to that work, I now work from home. Things worked out, even though they were hard.

 

Talk with your DH. You love him and that is why it is so hard to be apart. Be willing to tell him what you need to make this workable.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

You are letting your childhood hurts affect what is completely normal. many couples manage just fine apart at times due to to work travel.

 

If you are lonely, ask a friend to come stay with you. Or a family member, your mom or sister (she can bring her kids too).. I know it isn't easy being alone but you do have kids that can help.. You put a lot of pressure on yourself for no reason. Get rid of the guilt. YOU brought up the kids while your husband worked. That guilt of you not deserving to spend money is on you (unless your husband told you no).. Being a parent is hard work, just as hard as working full time out of the house.

[Furious]

I suggest you surprise him with a visit.

 

That's what I should have done when my husband was away on business for extended periods of time.

 

I was too trusting, and yes he was cheating and only found out recently.

 

I don't want to scare you, but his lack of effort calling you is a red flag.

 

I hope I'm wrong in your situation.

[Psuedo]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their responses

 

It is hard to admit to the selfishness. I find myself struggling, because I feel I have made multiple sacrifices over the years. I will clarify.

 

We were obviously very young when we committed to each other and had children. I was honest about how I felt about having children. I, at 19, had no plan on ever having any kids. I saw my mother’s life and did not want a repeat of that experience. Being young and dumb, we found ourselves pregnant at 22. We were married and both had good jobs so I did what was right for me and had the baby.

 

I struggled during my entire pregnancy with the dilemma of working versus staying home and finally made my decision. My husband wanted me to stay home with the kids from the very beginning. He wanted children even at 22. I made that sacrifice for him. Do not get me wrong, I love my children and have no regrets, but his desire for children forced me to live my worst nightmare. I did this out of my love for him. I was rewarded beyond anything I could ever conceive, because now I cannot imagine my life without my children. But the feelings surrounding a sacrifice of that magnitude do not just disappear. Of course there have been multiple other sacrifices so this is cumulative and this is where my problem is. I am trying to let all that go, but it is hard.

 

As to grad school, we agreed in order for my financial contribution to matter I would need an advanced degree in my field. So again, this was a mutual decision on our part. The whole point was so that he could stop the overtime as that was our agreement. I have a really good job, and he has no need to work any overtime at all. I fulfilled my end of our bargain, and now he is gone and this was not part of our bargain. College was difficult both in the work expected as well as the commute time. We live in a high population area so traffic is often a nightmare. So, there was sacrifice on my part with this as well.

 

But, I agree I was being selfish. I thought about the responses I received and spent some time talking with him. I am in a better place today. He is coming home this weekend and in a few weeks I will travel to see him.

 

He asked if I wanted him to come home for good, and I said no. He does deserve to fulfill his ambition as well. He apologized for not keeping in touch, and I admitted I did not call him either. He thought I would be ok with texting as we normally do. I never told him this was not enough. I have a hard time asking for the attention I need. I also apologized for this. So again, thanks for pointing this out.

 

As to childhood hurts, I wholeheartedly agree. They do affect me and this is difficult to separate especially when it comes to infidelity and being alone. It is unfair to place this burden on him and this actually helped me find some peace with the current situation. So, thank you for pointing this out.

 

Furious: I am sorry your trust was abused and thank you so much for your concern. {hugs} I hope you find peace with your situation.

 

Again, thanks to everyone for their thoughtful responses. I really appreciate the help. Take care.