NC - Why is it sooo hard?

[LovelyLaura]

Hi, its me (again)

 

For you that follow my story maybe u will notice what stage i am in now with my MM.

 

My last post i stated that i tried to go NC with him.

 

I tried, i failed. It sucks.

 

Like a week ago, i got problem in my office. Its all job related, and i feel so depressed.

And he knew about that, he was there, keep send me email and text to cheer me up. And at one point, i melted, i replied that, poured my heart out, and it felt so good.

 

So basically now i resume the A, the sneaking, the lying, everything.

I know its a huge mistake, i know i have to cut his off.

But i dont know how to do that.

If i go NC again, i think its not so polite you know.

Talking about polite here, it seems very naive.

 

I know that the only way i can really end this is to resign from my current job, find the new one, and go away from all of this.

And i will. Right now, i consider to continue my study in overseas.

I already submit my application, but i have to enter several test before i get accepted.

 

I hope i can get through all of this, move away

and finally be free.

 

Thank you all for your kind opinion

[Artie Lang]

So basically now i resume the A, the sneaking, the lying, everything.

 

wait a minute.....you mean, you're back in tha sack with him?

[jphcbpa]

where ever you go, there you are. you cannot geographically change yourself. NC is hard because your MM is your drug. Your drug came back and now you feel good, but mentally you know you are dying inside.

 

There is nothing sacred or holy about NC. It's something to do (if you want to) simply because it works. It is a gift to yourself. It is not about the MM. It gives you distance and time away from your POA (person of addiction) so your head can clear, you can see what you really feel and what you have been projecting. You can know what the right thing is to do for your life. One thing I know for sure from my own life is that it is just about impossible to see the truth about a marriage when I am in an additive process. There is no way to make changes in a marriage (or to discover it is time to leave) when one is focusing all the attention on someone outside of the marriage.

[LovelyLaura]

yes artie, im back in the sack with him.

 

its like an addiction, and you put it very well jphcbpa.

im using my drug again, and it feels sooo damn good.

but deep inside my heart i know this is all wrong, and im dying inside.

 

like i said for million times, i dont love MM.

but i do care about him a lot

I dont want to be his wife, or has any long term serious relationship with him.

I will never ask him to leave his wife.

I dont expect that, and pray that he will never do that.

 

I just want to have him around u know, to show me affection and attention.

Not all the time off course, but i enjoy while it lasts.

 

I know that its someone marriage that i put on the line here,

i know, thats why i feel that everything is so wrong, but yet i cant get over my addiction. It feels too good and i dont want to let it go.

 

I know i have to, but how do i do that? god, this is so hard..

[despicableME]

I told you.

 

You really don't get it, do you?

 

All this tells me is that you won't switch jobs because you still fancy him.

 

I give up.

[LovelyLaura]

I get it DM,

I really want to change my job,

i decide to leave it to continue my study,

I've submitted my application, but I have to take some test before i get accepted.

And after that, i can free myself.

 

Im so sorry DM,

i just cant leave right now without any stability in my future.

 

And now the guilt eats me up.

Not just guilt u know. Constant worries about him too,

am i the only other woman for him? is he cheating on me too? is he honest with me?

 

im not saying that im jealous, no..

but if there is a worse feeling than being lied to I don't know what it is.

a little hypocrite i know.

Im a willing participant in his web of lies.

But still, no one likes the feeling of being lied to..

[Artie Lang]

blah, blah, blah.

 

you'll be back in his arms, in no time at all-- GUARANTEED!!!

[UpwardForward]

The job market isn't good at this time. People can't just leave their jobs.

 

Yes your job/financial stability does come first.

 

I believe when you have finally had enough of this relationship, and know it for what it isn't, then NC will be easier. It's helpful that it happen in the MIND first.

 

I also think for a good NC, it's important to express your reasons to the AP in advance.

[Artie Lang]

Yes your job/financial stability does come first.

 

your health, sanity, and peace of mind come first, buddy.

 

you can't tell me she can't get a decent job out there with her youth and experience. c'mon

 

this is a toxic environment she's in.

[confusedinkansas]

This is an addiction. Something I didn't realize about my affair until years later. You yourself have said it's an addiction. So perhaps you are further along in the game than you think.

 

I've always thought that if someone does have an affair in the workplace they're opening up a TOTALLY different can of worms.

Now you're in a catch-22- You can't leave because of the job market.

Now is when you need to toughen up! Pull up your big girl panties & be tough. Not mean, just firm. OR......get him to leave his wife for you. There's always that option. Then you could have the happily ever after (I know that sounds sarcastic & cold but it's not meant to be)

[wannabdone]

LL, you CAN get out of this. If YOU want to. I never thought I would get out, I was in this crap for 10 years. PLEASE dont be like me!!!

[Artie Lang]

OR......get him to leave his wife for you. There's always that option.

 

are you serious? ever heard of "out of the pan, into the fire." that's exactly what you're telling her to do.

 

worst. advice. ever.

[UpwardForward]

Laura, I think one of the most revealing, helpful things you can do for yourself is to continue to read other LS similar stories regarding MM/OW.

 

The similarities of the stories will help you to know how unspecial and demeaning the relationship can be.

 

Comparing these stories can strengthen you and help you to know how complete you are, without the dependency of this relationship.

[Chinawhite]

are you serious? ever heard of "out of the pan, into the fire." that's exactly what you're telling her to do.

 

worst. advice. ever.

 

 

 

It's just blatantly idiotic, the rule everyone needs to remember is that if you're getting someone's spouse to cheat in order to have sex with you, that person is deceptive and will most likely cheat again, possibly on you. It's tempting for people outside the marriage or relationship to think that the spouse must be 'really unhappy' in order to be getting extra marital sex. A lot of the time this might be very far from the truth and the spouse who's cheating is just a solipsistic selfish in some cases mentally ill person.

[Wanderer25]

Expose to his wife in a moment of clarity. Make him quit the job

[LovelyLaura]

Thank you all for your kind and warm opinion.

 

I've read other post about NC with MM.

The situation is exactly like me, and

i feel glad, yet sad at the same time.

 

Im glad that im not the only one who has to get through this hell.

But im sad, apparently my story is not unique at all.

Like u said UpwardForward, its scary to see how similar the story in here.

The excuses, the feeling, the guilt, everything.

 

I saw a post where the OP stated that

she didnt worry that she would break NC,

but she just wanted to see that (x)MM suffers from losing her,

that she is missed, that MM is struggling and would fight for her.

Oh god, i can so much relate to it.

 

Last time when i tried to go NC, thats exactly how i felt.

I wanted him to remember me, to miss me, to struggle the way i do.

To break the NC, and told me he miss me soo much.

So when he actually did that, giving the right time and circumstances,

i falled for him again.

 

And now, i regret that.

I wonder if I stick to NC, now would be like day 15, give or take, without him,

and i know i will feel so much better than my situation now.

 

As an update, i will see him this weekend. It will be my goodbye.

He has no idea about that. But i realize that if i want to end it,

i want to end it in a gentle way. I need closure, so does he.

So it will be our last meeting, i plan to do that, say goodbye for once and for all.

 

I will summon all my self worth, all my courage, and all my will

to fight and defeat this addiction.

 

I hope everyone out there that have a similar situation with me,

would find our strength to defend our morality and do the right things.

[LovelyLaura]

@Artie Lang : I would do all my best to cut MM off from my life AL. I wish that its as easy as snapping my fingers, and this feeling would all disappear. But its not. I tried, i failed, but i will try again.

 

@wannabdone : Thank you so much dear. Im glad that finally u can get through all of that crap and be your own self again. No more lying, no more guilt, no more faking, and no more depression. I hope i can be in that situation, and i will work my ass of toward it. Thank you for your support.

 

@chinawhite : i dont have any plan to be with him in a long term. Like you said, he is a cheater, if he cheat with me, in no time, he would cheat on me. I believe that. I dont love him in that way, but i do care about him. And we have so much beautiful moment together. Its what that makes it harder.

but i do realize that its just an addiction. I get addicted to his present, to his attention, to his passion, he is like a drug, and i come to him to get my fix everyday, and so does he. For him, im just a drug, he uses me to get what he doesnt get in his marriage.

So this is a toxic relationship, and with all my heart, i want to end this.

But it takes time to get over your addiction, and im working toward it.

 

@wanderer25 : it cant be done dear. he is the owner's son. if i expose this A, its me who will get thrown away. So i guess i just have to end this by myself. Tell him that this relationship is going nowhere, and it will be better for everyone if it just over.

[UpwardForward]

I'm glad you've been reading, Laura. Others' testimonies will give you strength and determination in this.

 

Also, you don't need to see him in person if you don't wish to. I just believe in a communication of 'ending' and it's reasons - to dispel any questions. This is a good beginning in an NC.

[LovelyLaura]

Thank you UF, every story in here is just painfully sad.

I can relate to sooo many of it.

Being an OW, i guess we share something that not everyone will agree to.

 

As for the meeting, i do believe that i have to see him face to face.

I have to face him, look him in the eye, and tell that this A is over.

I've tried to end this via email, text, and telephone,

but once i saw him again, i got all weak, and fell for him again.

 

So this time, it would be for real.

[Artie Lang]

As an update, i will see him this weekend. It will be my goodbye.

He has no idea about that. But i realize that if i want to end it,

i want to end it in a gentle way. I need closure, so does he.

So it will be our last meeting, i plan to do that, say goodbye for once and for all.

 

i guess this means one last go 'round, then. sheesh.

[LovelyLaura]

i guess this means one last go 'round, then. sheesh.

Thanks for the sarcasm Artie, i really need that.

 

And yes, you can call it whatever you want, one last go 'round? so be it.

 

But for me, its my closure. I can look him in the eye, and tell that everything is over.

After that, i would have my grieving moment, and hopefully in time i can get over him.

 

Thats all i want...

[Artie Lang]

And yes, you can call it whatever you want, one last go 'round? so be it.

 

this i do believe.

 

you're going in circles.....always ending up in his arms.

[LovelyLaura]

What do u suggest Artie?

 

I really2 try my best, i try to handle this in my own way.

But if you have some opinion that actually could help me,

im more than happy to hear that..

[UpwardForward]

Yes!! I would like to see something other than pot shots, myself.

[Artie Lang]

 

What do u suggest Artie?

 

I really2 try my best, i try to handle this

in my own way.

But if you have some opinion that actually could help

me,

im more than happy to hear that..

 

don't meet him-- PERIOD!

 

 

there is no closure. there will always be something else you wish you had said. one more thing. there is no way to end "it," and feel better about yourself. let's be honest here, you will think about him whether you have this so-called "closure."

 

don't you realize this?

 

 

all these people who claim i'm taking pot shots are coddling you. you need someone to get in your face and tell you the honest truth.

 

as you can see DM gave you the best advice out of anyone here, and he gave up because you just don't listen. you make an excuse at every single turn.

Edited April 27, 2012 by Artie Lang