Used, Dumped and Furious!

[TheRightWoman]

I was involved with a MM for a year. We met in a bar. He was gorgeous and I immediately was attracted to him. He told me he was in a very unhappy marriage. That his wife didn't care about him and that their marriage was sexless. I'm also married but my H is abusive.

 

He called me a couple weeks later and invited me to go away with him. It was wonderful. The sex was amazing.

 

We saw each other for 6 months. It was casual for him I think but I was falling for him. Then he said he needed to give his M another shot. I said I wanted him to be happy.

 

I texted him a couple times a month to see how he was doing. Finally, 4 months later he called and said he wanted to see me again. When I saw him again, I knew I was in love with him and I told him. Weeks later, he said he loved me. I have never felt so strongly about any man. He told me he was leaving his wife so we could be together. I said I would ask my H to move out too as our M had been dead for a long time.

 

Then MM told his wife he was moving out BUT then a couple weeks later, he said he needed to break up with me. He said he was not sure he really wanted out of his M. I felt like someone had punched me. I told him if he did this to me again, I would tell his wife. He got angry. I backed down and apologized and said if he wanted his marriage, I just wanted him to be happy.

 

He kept seeing me but a month after that, he again said he wanted out. I lost it and said I would tell his wife. I was bluffing but I was so upset and felt so used. He would have sex with me and then dump me for his wife who wouldn't have sex with him. It all seemed like a sick game.

 

Then he started to act distant. He stopped saying I love you. But he kept seeing me. I asked him a couple times when he was moving out of his home and he told me to be patient and wait for him.

 

Then he stopped texting me as much and suddenly started making even more excuses as to why we couldn't see each other. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore because he wouldn't give me a straight answer about anything so I told him if he didn't see me that week, I would call his wife. He got very angry and told me I was acting crazy and I had no right to ruin his life. That hurting his wife and kids was wrong and that I shouldn't have gotten involved with him in the first place. He said our relationship did not feel right and he could not do it anymore. He said he wanted his M. I felt so used and discarded. I tried to talk him out of it and asked him why he'd want to go back to a sexless marriage when I could make him happy. I told him he was going to be unhappy in his M so why go back!? He wouldn't back down.

 

I was a mess and foolishly called his home and hung up. He realized later that day when he saw my name on the call display and he was furious. He called me horrible names. It was awful.

 

The next day, he would not pick up his cell so I called him at home hoping to get him on the line. He finally picked up after the 5th time. He said I had some nerve calling his home. He began screaming at me that I was a big mistake and he was sorry he ever met me. He said his W knew and to never call his home again.

 

I was furious so I emailed his W using her work email. She told me that she knew and that their M had been sexless for years because it was her decision. That she was not in love with him and had told him this... and that after years of feeling lonely and rejected, he met me. But then she said there was no competition. He thought I was needy and that he did not love me. That he wanted her and that she had committed to working on their M after they had openly discussed their issues. She was rather rude and condescending to me and basically told me I needed to go away. Yes, I know I acted poorly but I was used. It seems like she used him too. For money as she only works part-time. And to have the security of a M and a family.

 

I called MM and told him that this was all so unfair to me. He used me. He told me to wait for him and be patient. He lied. I waited for a year for this man.

 

I'm wondering if this a big act for his W because he took my threats to tell her seriously and then told her himself and now she is angry. I was not going to actually tell her. I just wanted to scare him. I know, bad tactic but I admit, I was so distraught and hurt, that I reacted like a fool.

 

Do you think when he calms down, he will see me again?

 

I tried texting him a month after this all went down and he said to never contact him again. Then he sent me a horrible email saying that it was always his wife that he loved and he should have been man enough to talk to her. He admitted he was selfish and stupid and because of that he attracted a selfish stupid woman and he wants nothing to do with me ever again. I can't believe he called me selfish after the way he treated me! What about his W? What is she?

 

Oh, and his W told me she is monitoring his phone and email and that I needed to stop harassing her H....

 

I think it should be up to him. I don't believe that it's really over because I think he loves me. I think he's just selfish and wants both his wife and me.

 

What should I do?

 

I have tried texting him a few times and he ignores me.

[whichwayisup]

You both used eachother. Each of you have a spouse at home.

 

Why not divorce, and then pursue someone else?

 

Such drama and what a rollercoaster ride you were on..

 

His marriage is his business, respect that and focus on either fixing your own marriage or divorcing. He isn't leaving his.

[2sunny]

Do not contact him again.

 

He intended for you to stay invisible but you started demanding more from him.

 

He was thinking you would just be bumped back into your position - but you didn't/wouldn't.

 

He'll more likely find a more accommodating and less demanding OW now.

 

Stop contacting - it makes you look desperate from his perspective.

[TheRightWoman]

MM came back the first time so is it so wrong that I would hope he would come back again?

 

Maybe he is just waiting till things cool off at home. I'm crazy about this man. I wanted to be with him and he made promises to me. He told me he loved me and that he was leaving his miserable unhappy marriage. He even told me his M was a joke.

 

As for my husband, he neglects me. He's also cheated on me in the past. We have an open marriage so he doesn't care if I see other men. As far as I know, he still sees other women. I have no desire to fix my M and either does my H. We live together for our kids.

[TheRightWoman]

Do not contact him again.

 

He intended for you to stay invisible but you started demanding more from him.

 

He was thinking you would just be bumped back into your position - but you didn't/wouldn't.

 

He'll more likely find a more accommodating and less demanding OW now.

 

Stop contacting - it makes you look desperate from his perspective.

 

But I never demanded more. He was the one who said he was leaving his W. I never once asked him to do this...

 

Then suddenly, he changes his mind after he tells me we will be together. He told me that he wanted me to meet his kids and that he will meet mine. That we will be in a real relationship. Now suddenly he wants his W? Why would he go back to a sexless M with a wife who doesn't even love him??

 

That doesn't make sense to me.

 

As for another ow, why would he do that when I obviously love him? Also, his W is watching him and said if he sees me again, she will D him. I want him to see me again so she will.

[whichwayisup]

MM came back the first time so is it so wrong that I would hope he would come back again?

 

Maybe he is just waiting till things cool off at home. I'm crazy about this man. I wanted to be with him and he made promises to me. He told me he loved me and that he was leaving his miserable unhappy marriage. He even told me his M was a joke.

 

As for my husband, he neglects me. He's also cheated on me in the past. We have an open marriage so he doesn't care if I see other men. As far as I know, he still sees other women. I have no desire to fix my M and either does my H. We live together for our kids.

 

MM LIE!!!!! So he fed you a bunch of crap, you know this now. Just because you're 'crazy' about him doesn't mean you have to have him. HE isn't yours. He is married and you are married.

 

If your husband is abusive then why are you cheating on him? Isn't that just going to make things worse for you if and when your H finds out the truth?

 

Oh I see now you say you are in an open marriage. Why not say that from the start?

 

So you and your H more or less live two separate lives and he is abusive towards you..Stuff your kids see and think that is 'normal.' it's far from normal and the family dynamic is not good if you are out and about cheating and your husband is abusive. do you see this?

[whichwayisup]

But I never demanded more. He was the one who said he was leaving his W. I never once asked him to do this...

 

Then suddenly, he changes his mind after he tells me we will be together. He told me that he wanted me to meet his kids and that he will meet mine. That we will be in a real relationship. Now suddenly he wants his W? Why would he go back to a sexless M with a wife who doesn't even love him??

 

That doesn't make sense to me.

 

As for another ow, why would he do that when I obviously love him? Also, his W is watching him and said if he sees me again, she will D him. I want him to see me again so she will.

 

He has every right to change his mind! People can change their minds..It happens every single day and affairs end.

 

You have no control over him and what he chooses to do. If he wants his wife and she wants to work on things now, that is their right to do so. Like it or not, it's THEIR life, their marriage and he doesn't to give up on her and the marriage.

 

Maybe he wants another OW that isn't crazy for him. Maybe he just wants a simple and easy affair that is fun and not so intense and full of drama.

[TheRightWoman]

I thought this was a support forum.

 

I already said I should have never threatened him. I was upset.

 

And I was never actually going to tell his wife!

 

Moving on is not so easy when you have loved someone for more than a year. We had something special. I thought I meant something to this man.

 

Sorry if I can't just get over it. I feel he owes me.

Edited April 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed inflammatory quote

[2sunny]

But I never demanded more. He was the one who said he was leaving his W. I never once asked him to do this...

 

Then suddenly, he changes his mind after he tells me we will be together. He told me that he wanted me to meet his kids and that he will meet mine. That we will be in a real relationship. Now suddenly he wants his W? Why would he go back to a sexless M with a wife who doesn't even love him??

 

That doesn't make sense to me.

 

As for another ow, why would he do that when I obviously love him? Also, his W is watching him and said if he sees me again, she will D him. I want him to see me again so she will.

 

MM lie. Stop looking for answers - he's done. He's made that clear.

 

You begging makes you look needy to him.

[TheRightWoman]

MM LIE!!!!! So he fed you a bunch of crap, you know this now. Just because you're 'crazy' about him doesn't mean you have to have him. HE isn't yours. He is married and you are married.

 

If your husband is abusive then why are you cheating on him? Isn't that just going to make things worse for you if and when your H finds out the truth?

 

Oh I see now you say you are in an open marriage. Why not say that from the start?

 

So you and your H more or less live two separate lives and he is abusive towards you..Stuff your kids see and think that is 'normal.' it's far from normal and the family dynamic is not good if you are out and about cheating and your husband is abusive. do you see this?

 

He wasn't lying. His W told me that he did ask her for a D and did plan to move out but then backed down. I think she manipulated him. Or he is staying for the kids.

[2sunny]

He wasn't lying. His W told me that he did ask her for a D and did plan to move out but then backed down. I think she manipulated him. Or he is staying for the kids.

 

He was lying because he's obviously not with you. Accept that it's over.

[whichwayisup]

So since you're in an open marriage, your husband knows about the MM? HIs wife could easily call or your MM could call your husband. Since you say your H is abusive, aren't you scared that he is going to hurt you?

 

Moving on is not so easy when you have loved someone for more than a year. We had something special. I thought I meant something to this man.

 

Well then, you can imagine how his wife feels. And how he isn't willing to divorce and throw away a marriage he's been in for a long time, he's built a life and has kids with his wife. They have a history together, family entwined.. Just like you do!

 

Sounds like you're in a real bad place right now, full of anger and emotions, I just hope that you calm down soon and see the reality of your situation and maybe seek some counselling to help you cope with this and get you to understand that you can't go off chasing someone like this who isn't interested in you anymore.

[TheRightWoman]

He has every right to change his mind! People can change their minds..It happens every single day and affairs end.

 

You have no control over him and what he chooses to do. If he wants his wife and she wants to work on things now, that is their right to do so. Like it or not, it's THEIR life, their marriage and he doesn't to give up on her and the marriage.

 

Maybe he wants another OW that isn't crazy for him. Maybe he just wants a simple and easy affair that is fun and not so intense and full of drama.

 

Yes, I agree but why the back and forth? WHy does he think he can play with my feelings and make promises like that? All i ever gave him was honesty.

 

And I didn't cause the drama. I let him go the first time. Then he promised to leave his wife and we were happy for months. Very happy. We made plans. then he tells his wife and the drama starts. I didn't start it. He did.

[whichwayisup]

He wasn't lying. His W told me that he did ask her for a D and did plan to move out but then backed down. I think she manipulated him. Or he is staying for the kids.

 

he changed his mind. He has that right!! If she manipulated him, so be it but maybe she realized that she didn't want a divorce. Just like you aren't willing to divorce. The same, but different. If they stay together for their kids sake (LIKE YOU and YOUR H are doing) so be it. Accept it and move on.

 

Sorry to be blunt but you need to slow down and see things from a different perspective. it sounds like you're freaking out and hysterical, and could just up and do something that could come back and get you into a lot of trouble.

[TheRightWoman]

His W emailed my H and told him but he already knew. I am not lying. Our M is open. My H leaves me alone. By abuse, I meant neglect, cheating, ignoring my needs.

 

My H thinks I'm falling apart and want MM to take me back so I'm not depressed and crying. He does care about me even if he isn't in love with me.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I agree but why the back and forth? WHy does he think he can play with my feelings and make promises like that? All i ever gave him was honesty.

 

And I didn't cause the drama. I let him go the first time. Then he promised to leave his wife and we were happy for months. Very happy. We made plans. then he tells his wife and the drama starts. I didn't start it. He did.

 

How can you make plans when you aren't divorced (or divorcing) either???

 

DO you not see how messed up this is?

 

Yes you are a big part of this drama in the way you're handling this. Chasing him and freaking out. You sound like a young one fighting with their sibling, "I didn't start it, he did.." Come on you're a GROWN woman with children of your own! MM Lied to you and he made you promises that he wasn't ever going to keep. many MM do this, mean it in the heat of the moment but when push comes to shove they cannot follow through.

 

He isn't committed you, he has a wife already. He isn't obligated to you..

[TheRightWoman]

My H and I will D if my MM come out with our relationship. That was the plan. That MM would move out and my H would move out. My H was fine with it as we have been in an open M for two years so it's time to move on for us. Our kids are older now so they will be fine.

[TheRightWoman]

How can you make plans when you aren't divorced (or divorcing) either???

 

DO you not see how messed up this is?

 

Yes you are a big part of this drama in the way you're handling this. Chasing him and freaking out. You sound like a young one fighting with their sibling, "I didn't start it, he did.." Come on you're a GROWN woman with children of your own! MM Lied to you and he made you promises that he wasn't ever going to keep. many MM do this, mean it in the heat of the moment but when push comes to shove they cannot follow through.

 

He isn't committed you, he has a wife already. He isn't obligated to you..

 

I know it's messed up but I got into it because he said his M was dead like mine. that it was sexless. That his W didn't care.

 

Now suddenly she cares and he always just wanted her?? Don't you understand why I feel used? He lied. He didn't say I love my w but she doesn't want me but if she ever does again, you're done. If I knew that, I would have never gotten involved with him. He lied right from the start and yes, I am angry and probably not thinking clearly.

[whichwayisup]

His W emailed my H and told him but he already knew. I am not lying. Our M is open. My H leaves me alone. By abuse, I meant neglect, cheating, ignoring my needs.

 

My H thinks I'm falling apart and want MM to take me back so I'm not depressed and crying. He does care about me even if he isn't in love with me.

 

And where are your kids during all this drama and emotion? Do they know you and their daddy are in an open marriage?

 

I'm not judging you, if the open M works for you, that's fine but you need to respect the fact that your exMM doesn't want to have an A with you anymore and he's not willin to end his marriage for you. He is choosing to stay married to his wife and as much as that pisses you off and hurts you, you have to accept this reality. It's over. Let yourself grieve the loss and do your best to focus on yourself and your own family.

[whichwayisup]

I know it's messed up but I got into it because he said his M was dead like mine. that it was sexless. That his W didn't care.

 

Now suddenly she cares and he always just wanted her?? Don't you understand why I feel used? He lied. He didn't say I love my w but she doesn't want me but if she ever does again, you're done. If I knew that, I would have never gotten involved with him. He lied right from the start and yes, I am angry and probably not thinking clearly.

 

I do understand why you feel used. And no he would never ever tell you that he never had any intention of following through. MM don't work like that. take time to read other threads here. you'll see quite a pattern and how eerlie similar things turn out. A MM is rarely going to tell the full truth to his OW, the guy lies to his wife every single day so why wouldn't he lie to you as well? If he was still having sex with his wife, why would he tell you that? It's easier for HIM to minimize his wife and sex life, tell you he isn't having any sex. Make sense?

 

Be angry, be hurt.. Just don't reach out to him anymore. focus that anger into something else. Ha, you in need of a reno? Take a sledge hammer to the wall! Or join a gym and punch/kick the crap out of a punching bag.

[TheRightWoman]

And where are your kids during all this drama and emotion? Do they know you and their daddy are in an open marriage?

 

I'm not judging you, if the open M works for you, that's fine but you need to respect the fact that your exMM doesn't want to have an A with you anymore and he's not willin to end his marriage for you. He is choosing to stay married to his wife and as much as that pisses you off and hurts you, you have to accept this reality. It's over. Let yourself grieve the loss and do your best to focus on yourself and your own family.

 

I guess I just want closure. I want to speak to him one last time without his w around so I know he's sincere. I think this is all an act for her. So she will not leave him. He was with me for a year so he must have some feelings for me after everything we have shared. I've asked him to call me when she is not around.

 

She seems horrible. She told me I was average and he wasn't going to destroy his family for average. She's an ex-model and a snob. I think he's staying with her because it makes him look good to have a beautiful w even if she won't have sex with him.

[TheRightWoman]

I do understand why you feel used. And no he would never ever tell you that he never had any intention of following through. MM don't work like that. take time to read other threads here. you'll see quite a pattern and how eerlie similar things turn out. A MM is rarely going to tell the full truth to his OW, the guy lies to his wife every single day so why wouldn't he lie to you as well? If he was still having sex with his wife, why would he tell you that? It's easier for HIM to minimize his wife and sex life, tell you he isn't having any sex. Make sense?

 

Be angry, be hurt.. Just don't reach out to him anymore. focus that anger into something else. Ha, you in need of a reno? Take a sledge hammer to the wall! Or join a gym and punch/kick the crap out of a punching bag.

 

 

Yes, I realize you are right in most cases they lie but I actually heard it from his W. She told me she rejected him and that their M had been sexless for years as it was her decision. She was planning to leave when the kids were older. So he was being truthful. They did not have sex. So I guess he used me for sex??

 

Yes, I do need to focus on something else but I was in love with this man and now suddenly I am dumped like trash and told that I am average. Yes, I am angry.

[Artie Lang]

if this is an "open" marriage, then this is not considered cheating. your husband is a cuckold.

 

you got caught-up in the emotional side of this cuckold relationship with your lover.

 

 

My H and I will D if my MM come out with our relationship. That was the plan. That MM would move out and my H would move out. My H was fine with it as we have been in an open M for two years so it's time to move on for us.

 

CUCKOLD. need i say more.

 

 

as to the support. this is called tough love. nothing else seems to be getting through, so drastic measures are necessary.

 

LEAVE THEM ALONE!

[2sunny]

Yes, I agree but why the back and forth? WHy does he think he can play with my feelings and make promises like that? All i ever gave him was honesty.

 

And I didn't cause the drama. I let him go the first time. Then he promised to leave his wife and we were happy for months. Very happy. We made plans. then he tells his wife and the drama starts. I didn't start it. He did.

 

You didn't let him go the first time because you kept texting.

 

Letting go means no more contact and NOT thinking of him at ALL.

 

That's what you should do now - as you should have done then too.

[2sunny]

And your H- how sad for him - he knows he's #2 - that is just so incredibly sad lot call it marriage.