Used, Dumped and Furious!

[Gentlegirl2]

How can you even think he was sincere? He was cheating on his wife . He must be good at appearing sincere because he fooled her and he's fooled you too.

 

There is no law that says he had to have feeling for you at all. I think his feelings are all for himself... bugger you and the wife. People can have steamy sex without getting involved emotionally... specially cheating men.

 

If you read here carefully, maybe a bit later when you are calmer, you will find that married men lie about having sex with their wives all the time. They are hardly going to tell you they have a hot sex life at home when they are trying to get you into bed. It's a ploy to evoke some sympathy about having mean wife who will not look after his needs.

 

You are confused and angry now. The fantasy of the affair is over. You will eventually get your head around it but it will take a while.

 

Best wishes,

 

GG

[TheRightWoman]

You didn't let him go the first time because you kept texting.

 

Letting go means no more contact and NOT thinking of him at ALL.

 

That's what you should do now - as you should have done then too.

 

I wasn't stalking him. He would text me too. Just a hi now and then. That's all.

 

I guess I was hoping that his W would kick him out or he would realize that he really wanted me.

 

I still don't understand why he would go back to a M that is sexless. He said it felt good to have an emotional and physical connection with someone again. This is what I was missing in my life too and it's very hard to let it go when one day, you are being told to wait and be patient and the next, you are told that it was all a big mistake.

 

Do you think he's just a serial cheater? A friend of mine suggested this...Or did the guy really love his wife and I got played? Another friend said it sounds like he did use me but when his w wanted him, he wanted her back.

[TheRightWoman]

How can you even think he was sincere? He was cheating on his wife . He must be good at appearing sincere because he fooled her and he's fooled you too.

 

There is no law that says he had to have feeling for you at all. I think his feelings are all for himself... bugger you and the wife. People can have steamy sex without getting involved emotionally... specially cheating men.

 

If you read here carefully, maybe a bit later when you are calmer, you will find that married men lie about having sex with their wives all the time. They are hardly going to tell you they have a hot sex life at home when they are trying to get you into bed. It's a ploy to evoke some sympathy about having mean wife who will not look after his needs.

 

You are confused and angry now. The fantasy of the affair is over. You will eventually get your head around it but it will take a while.

 

Best wishes,

 

GG

 

BUT HIS WIFE told me that their marriage was sexless herself! It was NOT A LIE. I posted this earlier. I have spoken to her via email. She told me she rejected him first.

 

Okay, yes I am confused. I will admit to that...

 

So can I take comfort in the fact that he's probably lying to her right now and he didn't actually want her? That he cheated because he's a jerk and he'll probably just do it again?

[TheRightWoman]

And your H- how sad for him - he knows he's #2 - that is just so incredibly sad lot call it marriage.

 

He cheated on me first and I decided to end the M so I don't feel the least bit sorry for him. I didn't want to recover our M. He didn't really seem to be that upset about it so I don't think he's in love with me. We stayed together for our kids. I was honest with him about my MM. We are friends and get along and there is no drama with us.

[TheRightWoman]

I was told his M was over like mine and I'm sorry but I'm very angry and upset. I'm sorry if I'm posting my pain and angst but I have not told too many people about this (two friends) and since this is the OW FORUM, I thought I'd get some support and understanding. Instead, I get called a bunny boiler.

 

Yes, I do realize, I am acting a bit desperate but isn't it better to get my feelings out here then call my MM again?? I'm trying to figure out what to do. What is real. And if he is lying again. And if it really is over.

 

I don't want it to be over and I'm having trouble not over-thinking it. I do know that. Just venting I guess...And yes, I am hoping he will leave his W and not go back to his sexless M.

Edited April 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed inflammatory post quote

[KathyM]

You need to back off before you get a knock on your door from the police telling you to stay away from them. This sounds like what my sister went through with her first husband when he cheated on her. The OW wouldn't back off, so they had to call the police. He has made it clear he is ending it with you. Any further contact could be considered harrassment, and you could get into legal trouble. I know it sucks for you, but consider the source. A man who cheated on his wife, lied to his wife, and had no concern for anyone but himself. It should be no surprise to you that his word cannot be trusted.

[CC12]

WHy does he think he can play with my feelings and make promises like that? All i ever gave him was honesty.

 

That's not really the truth, is it? You were dishonest with him all the times you threatened to tell his wife, when you knew you were bluffing. You were trying to manipulate him. So you played with his feelings as well. You have some responsibility for his decision to break it off with you. Own up to it. It might make it easier for you to understand that it's over.

 

Yes, I do realize, I am acting a bit desperate but isn't it better to get my feelings out here then call my MM again??

 

I suppose this forum is a better alternative to calling him again. Go ahead and get it all out here, but just know that you will get some responses that you might not like very much.

 

I'm trying to figure out what to do.

 

He has already done this for you by telling you not to contact him again, and not responding to your texts. There's nothing for you to do, except to move on.

[MissBee]

Hi TheRightWoman,

 

I'm sorry for all your pain, confusion and drama. No one likes to feel used and dumped no matter what the situation; however, sadly most affairs are filled with empty promises, feelings with no substance behind them and when "shyt gets real" the OW/OM finds themselves dumped promptly, as the MP realizes that their "real life" is actually more important than the escape/fantasy of the A.

 

It's a horrible nightmare I know. It all seems so magical during the A and perfect, like an amazing dream, and if you read here almost all OW have the same story about never feeling so strongly before. There are also many who have abusive husbands too and then end up in As with abusive men but somehow think these men are princes! They end up playing out dysfunctional dynamics in the A, just like in their primary relationship, but don't realize it. It is not uncommon to feel like the MM is your soulmate...it is also not uncommon that he is not and your feelings are leading you astray.

 

Unfortunately, I do not believe he loves you. I think you're very hurt so want to cling to this idea and hope because it is comforting. You're making excuses and justifications despite his clearly bad treatment of you. He doesn't love you. He got caught up during the A and promptly threw you under the bus because you're not the one he's scared to lose. It's harsh but it's the truth.

 

I also don't believe you love him either but are in euphoria because he was a great escape from your bad marriage. As are often bad ideas because when 2 people are unhappily married supposedly and seeking a distraction, it is much easier to fall so fast into infatuation and think you are inlove and have a strong foundation, when in fact you do not. Your relationship started on a bad foot and had no foundation and of course crumbled. I don't think you should hold out hope that it's not over and that he will return. Leave him and his wife alone and conserve any dignity you have left. She knows, so you can't blackmail him into being with you (what kind of relationship would that be? ....an abusive one like the one you're in with your H that's what! Coercion and blackmail should NEVER be a part of a healthy, loving, stable relationship).

 

Leave him alone. He made his choice. You need to focus on whether or not you want to divorce your husband and how you can get some help in recovering from an abusive relationship and this A. You should probably take some time to be alone and have some counseling to gain perspective. Whatever you do...please leave this MM and his wife alone. Post on LS, read self-help books pertaining to affairs and also bad marriages. Dive into working on YOU and figuring out what's up with you. This will help you to take your mind off him and eventually as you read more and become more aware you'll see the truth and have an easier time of healing and moving on to bigger and better things.

Edited April 23, 2012 by MissBee

[TheRightWoman]

You need to back off before you get a knock on your door from the police telling you to stay away from them. This sounds like what my sister went through with her first husband when he cheated on her. The OW wouldn't back off, so they had to call the police. He has made it clear he is ending it with you. Any further contact could be considered harrassment, and you could get into legal trouble. I know it sucks for you, but consider the source. A man who cheated on his wife, lied to his wife, and had no concern for anyone but himself. It should be no surprise to you that his word cannot be trusted.

 

 

I would never go to his home or anything. Nor would I threaten to hurt anyone. Can the police really come to my door for texting?

[TheRightWoman]

That's not really the truth, is it? You were dishonest with him all the times you threatened to tell his wife, when you knew you were bluffing. You were trying to manipulate him. So you played with his feelings as well. You have some responsibility for his decision to break it off with you. Own up to it. It might make it easier for you to understand that it's over.

 

 

 

I suppose this forum is a better alternative to calling him again. Go ahead and get it all out here, but just know that you will get some responses that you might not like very much.

 

 

 

He has already done this for you by telling you not to contact him again, and not responding to your texts. There's nothing for you to do, except to move on.

 

Yes, I didn't think of it that way. I guess I was being dishonest. I was reacting in the moment and I panicked. I wanted him to come clean because he seemed like he was playing me so I wanted to force him to make a decision. All he would do is tell me to be patient. If he really wanted his M, then why would he keep seeing me? I guess I thought I could force him into a decision so the drama would end but I guess I made it worse.

 

I guess I am trying to make sense of things so I can get let go. I need closure. I need to know if he loved me. If he truly loves his wife or if he's just a serial cheat. If he's a serial cheat, then I can let him go. If he's just bidding time until things cool down with his W, I want to know.

 

Yes, I am holding on. I love him. I know that's clique but I can't let go just yet. I need to know the entire truth first.

[KathyM]

I would never go to his home or anything. Nor would I threaten to hurt anyone. Can the police really come to my door for texting?

Yep, if you continue to bother someone that has told you to leave him alone, that is considered harrassment. They could file a restraining order against you to get you to stop contacting them, and they could have the police contact you in the meantime to tell you that you need to stop the contact. In my sister's case, the OW didn't come to their house, but she kept calling on the phone, and wouldn't stop, until she got a visit from the police.

[CC12]

I guess I am trying to make sense of things so I can get let go. I need closure. I need to know if he loved me. If he truly loves his wife or if he's just a serial cheat. If he's a serial cheat, then I can let him go. If he's just bidding time until things cool down with his W, I want to know.

 

Yes, I am holding on. I love him. I know that's clique but I can't let go just yet. I need to know the entire truth first.

 

Guess what? You will never, ever know the entire truth. You will only know what he chooses to tell you. And he doesn't have the best track record when it comes to being honest and truthful. The closure you're looking for needs to come from you. It's not going to come from him. He doesn't even want to talk to you.

 

So how can you get closure? Maybe this thread? Maybe you write a letter saying all the things you need to say and then burn it? Maybe go skydiving or something? Whatever it is, it shouldn't involve him, because he's asked you not to contact him anymore and you should respect that.

[spice4life]

Try to think of it this way. If you were both single when you met and he said he loved you then changed his mind, would you still be contacting him? Would you still feel he owed you?

 

I know you are venting and that's fine, but you simply need to accept the fact that it's over. It doesn't matter what he has told you in the past, he changed his mind and wants to stay married. There is nothing in this world you can do to change that. It's his choice. Period. There is no way this relationship can be saved since you have repeatedly contacted this guy after he said it was over. A single guy wouldn't tolerate that, let alone a married man. It makes you appear desperate, needy and clingy. Men run away from women who are like that. What would you say to a person who didn't believe you when you said it was over and kept contacting you?

 

What you should be focusing on now is your own life and why you have chosen to settle for a sub-par marriage. No one but you can change that. If you are unhappy then YOU need to step up and get a divorce instead of looking for someone else to rescue you. Why are you still married if it has been so bad? I know you said it's for the kids, but if they are older now then why not just get a divorce and find someone who is single and available instead? All bets are off when you are involved with a married man.

[TheRightWoman]

Hi TheRightWoman,

 

I'm sorry for all your pain, confusion and drama. No one likes to feel used and dumped no matter what the situation; however, sadly most affairs are filled with empty promises, feelings with no substance behind them and when "shyt gets real" the OW/OM finds themselves dumped promptly, as the MP realizes that their "real life" is actually more important than the escape/fantasy of the A.

 

It's a horrible nightmare I know. It all seems so magical during the A and perfect, like an amazing dream, and if you read here almost all OW have the same story about never feeling so strongly before. There are also many who have abusive husbands too and then end up in As with abusive men but somehow think these men are princes! They end up playing out dysfunctional dynamics in the A, just like in their primary relationship, but don't realize it. It is not uncommon to feel like the MM is your soulmate...it is also not uncommon that he is not and your feelings are leading you astray.

 

Unfortunately, I do not believe he loves you. I think you're very hurt so want to cling to this idea and hope because it is comforting. You're making excuses and justifications despite his clearly bad treatment of you. He doesn't love you. He got caught up during the A and promptly threw you under the bus because you're not the one he's scared to lose. It's harsh but it's the truth.

 

I also don't believe you love him either but are in euphoria because he was a great escape from your bad marriage. As are often bad ideas because when 2 people are unhappily married supposedly and seeking a distraction, it is much easier to fall so fast into infatuation and think you are inlove and have a strong foundation, when in fact you do not. Your relationship started on a bad foot and had no foundation and of course crumbled. I don't think you should hold out hope that it's not over and that he will return. Leave him and his wife alone and conserve any dignity you have left. She knows, so you can't blackmail him into being with you (what kind of relationship would that be? ....an abusive one like the one you're in with your H that's what! Coercion and blackmail should NEVER be a part of a healthy, loving, stable relationship).

 

Leave him alone. He made his choice. You need to focus on whether or not you want to divorce your husband and how you can get some help in recovering from an abusive relationship and this A. You should probably take some time to be alone and have some counseling to gain perspective. Whatever you do...please leave this MM and his wife alone. Post on LS, read self-help books pertaining to affairs and also bad marriages. Dive into working on YOU and figuring out what's up with you. This will help you to take your mind off him and eventually as you read more and become more aware you'll see the truth and have an easier time of healing and moving on to bigger and better things.

 

Thank you for your post. A lot of what you said makes sense MissBee.

 

I never planned to get into an A. I always said I would never be the ow.

 

But he was so attractive. A man that good looking and charming has never paid attention to me before. He made me feel good about myself and I felt wanted. Like I said, I only got into it because he said his marriage was so unhappy and sexless. His W didn't want him so I didn't feel I was taking him away from anyone.

 

It did feel like he was my soulmate. That is very true. I'm not sure he felt the same way about that though. I did always feel that my feelings for him were stronger. Then he wanted to leave his W and I think I got my hopes up. I was so happy and now I feel crushed.

 

 

I will read the forums more in the next few days. I do want to determine if he's a serial cheat because I read that some guys will go from ow to ow. If that's the case, then like i said, it will hurt but I will be done. It's the hope that he might just be confused right now and will come back like he did the first time he said he was working on his M.

 

 

Honestly, his W isn't good for him from what I have gathered by emailing with her. She's very arrogant and rude. She said her H deserved better than some average looking skank.

 

I will back off though and wait for MM to contact me.

[seren]

Right Woman, please don't make the mistake of equating the end of the marriage because of a lack of sex. Lack of love and respect ends a marriage. They may not have been having sex, but that does not mean the marriage lacked intimacy or closeness. It sounds like you both needed something from each other, I can understand why you are angry if he promised a future and made plans, but it sounds like a lot of pie in the sky talk and sadly this seems to happen a lot in A's. trouble beging when one person holds onto those talks and holds them to be true and then finds out that they were just out loud thoughts all along. TBH it sounds like he and his wife have had the, what next talk and realised that they don't want to split up and that they want to work on their marriage. It happens, a lot. Sadly it sounds like you have put more into this than he has and that you are now hurt that he isn't who you thought he was.

 

One of the things that keep cropping up from OW/OM on these boards after D Day is that they didn't expect to be treated as disposable, well none of us do. I can fully understand that you believed him, and believed in him and I imagine you had all sorts of dreams about the future and a healthy relationship. Sadly the MM doesn't share that, I wonder if it would have ended a long time before if you hadn't used the threat to tell the BS, a lot of A's seem to be carried on just to prevent this happening. If someone wants to stay then they will stay, he had the opportunity to leave and doesn't want to. His wife isn't manipulating him, anymore than you did with your threats to tell. They are married, she is marking her line in the sand and letting you know they are both singing from the same hymn sheet and that you are viewed as the intruder.

 

Don't do this to yourself, their marriage is their marriage, yours sounds unhealthy, kids do survive divorces. One life Right Woman, don't waste it looking for answers that will never make sense, make changes, today and ask yourself how you want it to be in the future. Oh and don't contact them again, it makes you appear needy, he isn't worth that. Take Care Seren x

[TheRightWoman]

Right Woman, please don't make the mistake of equating the end of the marriage because of a lack of sex. Lack of love and respect ends a marriage. They may not have been having sex, but that does not mean the marriage lacked intimacy or closeness. It sounds like you both needed something from each other, I can understand why you are angry if he promised a future and made plans, but it sounds like a lot of pie in the sky talk and sadly this seems to happen a lot in A's. trouble beging when one person holds onto those talks and holds them to be true and then finds out that they were just out loud thoughts all along. TBH it sounds like he and his wife have had the, what next talk and realised that they don't want to split up and that they want to work on their marriage. It happens, a lot. Sadly it sounds like you have put more into this than he has and that you are now hurt that he isn't who you thought he was.

 

One of the things that keep cropping up from OW/OM on these boards after D Day is that they didn't expect to be treated as disposable, well none of us do. I can fully understand that you believed him, and believed in him and I imagine you had all sorts of dreams about the future and a healthy relationship. Sadly the MM doesn't share that, I wonder if it would have ended a long time before if you hadn't used the threat to tell the BS, a lot of A's seem to be carried on just to prevent this happening. If someone wants to stay then they will stay, he had the opportunity to leave and doesn't want to. His wife isn't manipulating him, anymore than you did with your threats to tell. They are married, she is marking her line in the sand and letting you know they are both singing from the same hymn sheet and that you are viewed as the intruder.

 

Don't do this to yourself, their marriage is their marriage, yours sounds unhealthy, kids do survive divorces. One life Right Woman, don't waste it looking for answers that will never make sense, make changes, today and ask yourself how you want it to be in the future. Oh and don't contact them again, it makes you appear needy, he isn't worth that. Take Care Seren x

 

 

I guess I assumed he was in the same position as me and being completely honest about the state of his M and that it was truly bad and over.

 

Then I find out he's always just wanted to work things out with his W. His wife told me that after he said he wanted a D, he started acting odd, crying often, drinking too much, not sleeping and he wanted to talk about their M a lot. Apparently he asked her what she needed to be happy in the M.

 

I guess it does boil down to me feeling played, used and discarded.

 

And yes, I do admit that his W did say that he said if I hadn't threatened to tell her the A would have been over months earlier but that he was afraid of me telling her and her throwing him out. I thought he was just saying that to make himself look good in front of his W. I know threatening was wrong but he didn't seem that unhappy when we had sex so obviously a part of him wanted to still be in the A. If he really wanted out, couldn't he have just ended it and told his W sooner? It seems like he still wanted to be in the A to me.

[TheRightWoman]

He's a MM who had an affair and it's over. He's done or he soon will be. He clearly isn't that unhappy. If he can lie to her he can lie to you too. Why would she be nice to you??

 

For him to meet you privately or talk privately would be another betrayal of her. Take the message in tw fact he won't do that. Don't be like my Hs xOW who defines it the same way- either he stays with her or I must be forcing him. No one can force them to cheat or not cheat. He just doesn't value you. And why would he when you were willing to settle for the crumbs. If you had demanded he tell her and D at the beginning he might have more respect.

 

I got hurt in this mess too. Like I've said many many times, he said their M was done. They were roommates. I didn't think of myself as a horrible person trying to destroy something that was already dead.

 

Yes, I'm all over the place right now with my thoughts because I am trying to work through this mess. I am feeling a lot of pain right now. I don't need to be called names.

 

I don't remember saying she was forcing, just manipulating him. Maybe into staying for the kids. He said he was unhappy. Is it wrong that I think I can make him happy? Doesn't he deserve to be happy? why would he want to be with a W who won't have sex with him? I also don't understand why she would want him back either? I didn't want to work things out with my H after he cheated on me.... And when my H cheated we did NOT have an open M and I was pretty happy. I would have stayed with him if he hadn't cheated but once he did, I was done. I guess I can't understand why MM's W wants a cheater. And yes, I know that seems hypocritical but he wasn't cheating on me. His W confirmed there was no sex.

Edited April 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quoted inflammatory remarks and response

[TheRightWoman]

Try to think of it this way. If you were both single when you met and he said he loved you then changed his mind, would you still be contacting him? Would you still feel he owed you?

 

I know you are venting and that's fine, but you simply need to accept the fact that it's over. It doesn't matter what he has told you in the past, he changed his mind and wants to stay married. There is nothing in this world you can do to change that. It's his choice. Period. There is no way this relationship can be saved since you have repeatedly contacted this guy after he said it was over. A single guy wouldn't tolerate that, let alone a married man. It makes you appear desperate, needy and clingy. Men run away from women who are like that. What would you say to a person who didn't believe you when you said it was over and kept contacting you?

 

What you should be focusing on now is your own life and why you have chosen to settle for a sub-par marriage. No one but you can change that. If you are unhappy then YOU need to step up and get a divorce instead of looking for someone else to rescue you. Why are you still married if it has been so bad? I know you said it's for the kids, but if they are older now then why not just get a divorce and find someone who is single and available instead? All bets are off when you are involved with a married man.

 

I guess I felt like he owed me because he begged me to wait for him. He made promises. I waited. I could have dated other people but I waited for HIM.

 

I'm in my M because of our kids. We think it's best for them to have both parents in the home. And no, they have no idea about my A. My H and I have never told them about his either.

 

But yes, this will be my first and only MM. I have no interest in getting involved with any other man anytime soon. I'm still in love with MM and not ready to date. And I will never again date a MM. That's the one thing I've learned from all this so far.

[CC12]

I also don't understand why she would want him back either?

 

Who cares about her, why do YOU want him back? All those broken promises, lies, drama, games, etc.

 

I know you took issue with someone calling you crazy earlier, but seriously, this is all crazy. Why are you doing this?

[MissBee]

Thank you for your post. A lot of what you said makes sense MissBee.

 

I never planned to get into an A. I always said I would never be the ow.

 

But he was so attractive. A man that good looking and charming has never paid attention to me before. He made me feel good about myself and I felt wanted. Like I said, I only got into it because he said his marriage was so unhappy and sexless. His W didn't want him so I didn't feel I was taking him away from anyone.

 

It did feel like he was my soulmate. That is very true. I'm not sure he felt the same way about that though. I did always feel that my feelings for him were stronger. Then he wanted to leave his W and I think I got my hopes up. I was so happy and now I feel crushed.

 

 

I will read the forums more in the next few days. I do want to determine if he's a serial cheat because I read that some guys will go from ow to ow. If that's the case, then like i said, it will hurt but I will be done. It's the hope that he might just be confused right now and will come back like he did the first time he said he was working on his M.

 

 

Honestly, his W isn't good for him from what I have gathered by emailing with her. She's very arrogant and rude. She said her H deserved better than some average looking skank.

 

I will back off though and wait for MM to contact me.

 

Sounds like you're suffering from low self-esteem...which isn't meant to be an insult, but a lot of women have been there. Even pretty and successful women. You obviously felt like you were not deserving of this attractive man's attention, so when he gave it to you you felt so thrilled and over the moon and really latched on to it. Hence, your desperation now that it's all over, as it's trampling on your self-esteem even more.

 

You're in denial now, which is normal. Eventually things will become clearer. You definitely feel a lot more strongly for him, and chances are, he could sniff out your low self-esteem and chose you as an easy A target. He may not even have done this consciously, but your issues and his just connected. It's apparent here and from what you say that you are clingy and that it was easy for him to sell you these tales of his bad marriage etc. This was not a romantic match made in heaven hon, this was a matching of the right issues. Even if he isn't a serial cheat, does it matter? An A can be a one time mistake and him not being a serial cheat doesn't mean he loves you. I think at this point you want him to love you and want you and no matter what, this will be your hope.....but time will reveal.

 

You should also stop feeling bad for him in terms of his wife. He is not confused. He CHOSE her TheRightWoman....do you understand this? If she was so horrible he would NOT have cursed you out and acted so defensively when you called his house and so on. He wants to protect his marriage and family. Do you not see this? His STRONG reactions were towards them....not you. He is in no way confused. I think while having the A he was more confused and when he almost lost his wife and family is when he got real.

 

Please don't wait for him...but if you must, please allow him to contact you at least. Ideally though you need to focus on yourself and you issues of self esteem, why you stayed in a bad marriage, why you're chasing a MM who doesn't love you etc. Even if he leaves his wife...your relationship would still be one built on dysfunction...believe me. Relationships DON'T solve your problems. Your problems ruin relationships. Which is why working on yourself first is best before trying to run into the arms of another.

Edited April 23, 2012 by MissBee

[TheRightWoman]

Who cares about her, why do YOU want him back? All those broken promises, lies, drama, games, etc.

 

I know you took issue with someone calling you crazy earlier, but seriously, this is all crazy. Why are you doing this?

 

Doing what? Trying to figure out where I stand this time?

 

I have loved this man for over a year. I have never loved anyone like this including my H. I want to be with him. I want to be able to come out with our R.

 

He has come back to me before...

 

Because he missed me.

 

Is it so wrong for me to have hope? That's why I'm here. To see if someone can make sense of this because I'm in it and I'm clearly not thinking straight because I can't eat, sleep or function very well at the moment. I cry constantly. I've never been so heartbroken in my life. Even my H's cheating didn't affect me like this!

 

I plan to wait for this man right now. I can't move on so I'm trying to see if anyone has any advice. I've been reading the forums....sometimes after D-day, the MM comes back. Or that A goes underground. I have been reading. If others still see their MM after DD and some leaves their W's, am I so wrong to hope my MM will? I mean a sexless M when he clearly needs sex and couldn't live without and cheated because of it must mean it's a top need of his so I can't see his M lasting...

[MissBee]

Doing what? Trying to figure out where I stand this time?

 

I have loved this man for over a year. I have never loved anyone like this including my H. I want to be with him. I want to be able to come out with our R.

 

He has come back to me before...

 

Because he missed me.

 

Is it so wrong for me to have hope? That's why I'm here. To see if someone can make sense of this because I'm in it and I'm clearly not thinking straight because I can't eat, sleep or function very well at the moment. I cry constantly. I've never been so heartbroken in my life. Even my H's cheating didn't affect me like this!

 

I plan to wait for this man right now. I can't move on so I'm trying to see if anyone has any advice. I've been reading the forums....sometimes after D-day, the MM comes back. Or that A goes underground. I have been reading. If others still see their MM after DD and some leaves their W's, am I so wrong to hope my MM will? I mean a sexless M when he clearly needs sex and couldn't live without and cheated because of it must mean it's a top need of his so I can't see his M lasting...

 

Did his wife find out the first time he came back?

 

Let me let you in on a secret. A few years ago I felt like I was madly inlove with my ex. We broke up and in the span of 9 months he got 2 other girlfriends....but he kept "coming back to me", "because he missed me"....then he left again!!! Fast forward to 3 years later. He is gone for good and good riddance!

 

At the time I was delusional and felt he was my 'twin soul' and that he kept coming back because he loved me and we were meant to be and cosmic forces were keeping us apart . In reality he had tons of issues and so did I and he probably came back because I was comfortable and I ALLOWED him to come back. It wasn't about love. Missing someone doesn't mean you love them or that you are meant to be.

 

You can wait but you'll most likely wait in vain. I suggest you see a counselor...perhaps you will believe what a professional has to say in person over us on LS. It's not wrong to have hope...but hope in what? This situation is nothing to build your hopes on. You already said you love him more etc...and his actions now are evidence of that....so what are you waiting for? A miracle? It most likely won't come. I'm not trying to be harsh....but really...

 

In any case I do know from experience that you have to sometimes see for yourself and no amount of LS members beating you over the head with what we see as obvious will help. We have many members who were where you were and today can say they have grown from the desperation and denial they were in when they they first came here and as time went by. So it's a process. Hopefully you stick around.

[Artie Lang]

I plan to wait for this man right now. I can't move on so I'm trying to see if anyone has any advice. I've been reading the forums....sometimes after D-day, the MM comes back. Or that A goes underground. I have been reading. If others still see their MM after DD and some leaves their W's, am I so wrong to hope my MM will? I mean a sexless M when he clearly needs sex and couldn't live without and cheated because of it must mean it's a top need of his so I can't see his M lasting...

 

woooow!

 

so you're ready to restart the affair if it comes down to that? whatever it takes to keep him in your life?

 

woooow!

[CC12]

I plan to wait for this man right now. I can't move on

 

Okay. Then if this is the case and you have decided not to move on, you just have to wait for him to contact you. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But you've done all you can for now and he's asked you to stop. It's time to back off.

[TheRightWoman]

Sounds like you're suffering from low self-esteem...which isn't meant to be an insult, but a lot of women have been there. Even pretty and successful women. You obviously felt like you were not deserving of this attractive man's attention, so when he gave it to you you felt so thrilled and over the moon and really latched on to it. Hence, your desperation now that it's all over, as it's trampling on your self-esteem even more.

 

You're in denial now, which is normal. Eventually things will become clearer. You definitely feel a lot more strongly for him, and chances are, he could sniff out your low self-esteem and chose you as an easy A target. He may not even have done this consciously, but your issues and his just connected. It's apparent here and from what you say that you are clingy and that it was easy for him to sell you these tales of his bad marriage etc. This was not a romantic match made in heaven hon, this was a matching of the right issues. Even if he isn't a serial cheat, does it matter? An A can be a one time mistake and him not being a serial cheat doesn't mean he loves you. I think at this point you want him to love you and want you and no matter what, this will be your hope.....but time will reveal.

 

You should also stop feeling bad for him in terms of his wife. He is not confused. He CHOSE her TheRightWoman....do you understand this? If she was so horrible he would NOT have cursed you out and acted so defensively when you called his house and so on. He wants to protect his marriage and family. Do you not see this? His STRONG reactions were towards them....not you. He is in no way confused. I think while having the A he was more confused and when he almost lost his wife and family is when he got real.

 

Please don't wait for him...but if you must, please allow him to contact you at least. Ideally though you need to focus on yourself and you issues of self esteem, why you stayed in a bad marriage, why you're chasing a MM who doesn't love you etc. Even if he leaves his wife...your relationship would still be one built on dysfunction...believe me. Relationships DON'T solve your problems. Your problems ruin relationships. Which is why working on yourself first is best before trying to run into the arms of another.

 

I admit, I do have self-esteem issues. I think they got worse after my H's A. I felt fat, ugly and unattractive.

 

I think MM being so handsome did make me feel good about myself and to know that he wanted me over his beautiful W felt good too. I was able to find photos of her online early in our A. That was something she said in her email as well, that he told her that he felt bad about himself when she rejected him so he picked a plain woman because he knew I would never leave him. He told me I was pretty but he did admit that his W was beautiful. He never called me beautiful and I always felt jealous of her. Now that he's picked her I feel foolish and I'm back to feeling fat, ugly and unattractive.

 

During the A, he said looks don't matter if there is no emotional connection. He said there wasn't one with his w. I guess I bought it all.

 

And yes, he did lose it when I called. I've never heard him that angry before....I guess I just assumed he was putting it on for his W.

 

And no, I will not contact him again. Both him and his W told me to stop so I will. I will only email her if she contacts me first. She's sent me a couple emails in response to some questions I had. She's been rude, sarcastic and mean in my opinion when speaking to me via email but she has been open to communicating. She said not to contact him but she didn't say not to email her.

 

I almost feel like asking her if she's worried he will cheat again if she won't have sex with him...

 

I know, I know. I should back off. I realize I've lost my mind over this man. Even my H says he had never seen me so upset.