Used, Dumped and Furious!

[alexandria35]

TRW I haven't read this whole thread yet but just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. I'm anti affairs but I know that right now you are in anguish regardless if affairs are right or wrong.

 

You have to let this man go. It doesn't matter what he said or promised because now he's changed his mind and he has every right to do that. Relationships and marriages end all the time and these endings are often not mutual agreements. At this very moment there are probably hundreds of thousands of people around the world going through the very same pain as you because their relationship or marriage is ending when they didn't want it to. I have felt the pain of being left and I have delivered the pain of leaving. People make promises to each other all the time when there hot and heavy with someone but when one wants to leave then those promises become void. We really can't hold someone to the promises they make during a passionate moment in the relationship, least of all a married man who took vows with his wife and has a legally binding agreement with her.

 

Based on what you have written here I think this MM and his wife are really going to make a honest go of their marriage. He wanted his wife's attention all along but she rejected him. She maybe thought she had valid reasons for rejecting him. Maybe at one time she felt ignored and neglected by him, maybe he was childish and refused to pitch in with the household and childrearing, maybe he was disrespectful to her. I think she had probably built up resentment towards him for whatever reasons which led to her sexually rejecting him. She probably now realizes that this was not the right way to handle the problems in her marriage just like he probably realizes now that cheating wasn't the correct way to handle things. This is why it's never a good idea to get involved with a married man. You really can't have any idea of the history of their marriage and what is really behind the cheating. You can't go on what the MM says because they all say the same stuff, ie my wife doesn't care, the marriage has been dead for years, we live like roommates etc. Marriages are never truly dead until they have actually ended.

 

No point in focusing on his wife and calling her rude. Of course she was rude and condescending to you, what did you expect? It sounds like they both made a lot of mistakes in their marriage and now they want to try to fix it. He wants to know what she needs to be happy in the marriage and in turn she will try to give him what he needs, so they are most likely not in a sexless marriage anymore. You are not happy in your marriage and this MM is not going to be the white knight to rescue from your unhappiness. There is no white knight so start figuring out what you need to do to make yourself happy and fullfilled.

[LoveTKO]

LMAO! You're the epitome of the "OW from Hell."

 

He was looking for some sex on the side - that's all he EVER wanted. You filled the bill nicely - until you started acting like the bunny boiler from Fatal Attraction.

 

It's all fun and games for these guys - dipping their wicks into something different - until the OW starts making demands on them.

 

Then, they tell her what she wants to hear - that he's NOT having sex with the wife, that he TOLD his wife he's moving out (what a joke - you fell for that?) and then out of desperation to scrape women like you off their shoes, they start doing the slow fade, praying you'll just disappear and go away.

That's how he sees you.

 

 

And no, I'm NOT a BS. I just call a spade a spade.

 

 

Very true! And that's why as the OM/OW, if you decide to get involved with a WS, you need to "flip it". In other words, back off, don't give them to much, look really hot and attractive, keep them guessing whether or not you are having sex with someone else, ignore texts once in a while. You have to understand the the WS is playing games as a means to satisfy a selfish desire or need. It's harder to do for an OW I guess because of strong emotional needs, but if you're the OM with the WS doing her little crafty song ad dance, just back off and don't give her what she wants all the time.

[stillafool]

*****Are you kidding me?????

 

 

1) His wife was condescending and dismissive towards you? Well, WTF do you expect, a floral arrangement and a gift card to Bed Bath and Beyond? she has every right to be pissed at you.

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[wannabdone]

Oh Rightwoman, I see so much of myself in your posts years ago. First off, let me say I am sorry for your pain. This seems unbarable and like you can never get through it, I know. But let me tell you... you can. Its up to you.

 

I too have been in a position, hoping that if his W found out one more time that it would be over, not understanding why I was discarded like trash, how could he stay with her when they obviously aren't in love, etc. etc. Every single thought, feeling, I have had the same.

 

I went through this for 10 years. Hoping that this time it would be different. Dday after dday came and went, and always the same, he would stop talking to me and stay. Me being left hurt and abandonded.

 

Here is the thing, as hard as it is to accept this.... he has made a choice to stay. He might never be back, he might be back... but he won't ever leave. His wife and him might love eachother, they might not love eachother....but they are staying M. Ppl stay in loveless M's all the time... different strokes for different folks.

 

I know you never wanted crumbs.... who does??? I also know that sometimes those crumbs can be better than anything else you have ever had in your life. Here is my question... don't you want that kind of love 24/7??? Yes, you do.... thats why you wanted him to leave. But, he's not. So go find a man who will give you what you want and is available to do so. Take it as a lesson, that you have figured out how you want to love and be loved. And go make yourself happy.

 

I warn you, if you go back to this guy. This will happen again. Each time will seem like its different, he will up the game more and more to show he's leaving. He won't.

 

Be kind to yourself. Love you.

 

Go get IC and start working through this. Have your therapist prescribe you some anti depressents.

 

You can make your life better. YOU are in charge of your life. You have to realize that as much as you are hurt, you are key part in this drama and hurt. Stop inflicting pain on yourself. You are worth more than that.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

you say you have low self esteem ?/

if so, then my advice to you would be to get as far away from this guy as possible...learn to love yourself, and learn that you are worth more than all this heartache...

 

love yourself, and soon you'll see you won't need him anymore

[MollyBrown]

Their marriage may have been sexless before and during your affair,but you don't know what is going on now that things are out in the open and they are working on their relationship. Just keep in mind that you may be fueling the fire every time you try to contact him. Knowing another woman wants your man can be a powerful aphrodisiac. You could actually be prolonging the end of his marriage by not backing off.

[standtall]

Do you think when he calms down, he will see me again?

 

I

 

Yes, when he gets horny and he thinks you will behave yourself.

[TheRightWoman]

His W told me that he said he wanted a D and was moving out so he did tell her that but yes, I admit he did change his mind. And yes, I do see he has the right to do that...just as i have the right to feel used.

 

I guess he was just using me for sex. How can his W want him back when he's such a user then?

 

His W emailed me this morning and said I needed to stop sending her articles on sex and M. That yes, their M was sexless but it's certainly not anymore and obviously that fixing their sex life is part of "working" on the M. She said the sex with me couldn't have been that good if he chose her because she wasn't having sex with him at the time when he made the decision. She said their sex life is none of my business and putting myself in the middle of their M was wrong and I deserve all the pain I'm feeling right now and I need to back off and leave them alone or they will be speaking to a lawyer. She said her H calls me the most regrettable decision of his life and if I need to hear it from him to truly let go, then she will tell him to email me.

 

Yes, I feel stupid.

Edited April 24, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote to inflammatory post

[CC12]

His W emailed me this morning and said I needed to stop sending her articles on sex and M.

 

How often do you email his wife? How many times?

[TheRightWoman]

From someone who truly was in an abusive marriage, please know that the things you mentioned are not abuse. Except, perhaps, for the cheating, but how can that be if you're in an open marriage???

 

But back to the original topic. Their marriage is absolutely none of your business. Their sex life, or lack thereof, is none of your business. The reasons they stay together are none of your business.

 

You are not his victim. You KNEW he was married. Married men make promises they can't keep all the time...sure, it sucks, but you know what? He made more important promises to his wife.

 

He has made it clear that he wants no contact, so you should respect that. If not for the fact that it makes you look very unstable, then do it because to do otherwise could land you in a courtroom.

 

Our M was NOT OPEN WHEN MY H CHEATED on me. I said that earlier.

 

And yes, you are right. It is not my business but he did make it my business when he shared with me all his M problems. He confided in me first so I thought i was a friend to him at the very least.

[TheRightWoman]

How often do you email his wife? How many times?

 

I'm not sure. She emailed me first and told me off. Maybe 20xs

[CC12]

I'm not sure. She emailed me first and told me off. Maybe 20xs

 

Are you going to stop now?

[TheRightWoman]

There's a lot of meanies sayin mean stuff here.

 

Girl, you got to be still. If he loves you, he gonna come back. I know this for real. You gots to stop with the drama and contacting them. Leave them alone and give him some time to cool off. He may start missing you and call you. Be nice when he does and tell him how much you missed him and love him and will wait for him cause you want him to be happy. He can't come back if you don't give him a chance, ya know?

 

Be still, girl. Be still.

 

I don't post here much cuz of all the meanies but I'll be rooting for ya, girl.

 

Thanks so much daisy. I hope he starts missing me and what we had. I know I can make him happy.

[wannabdone]

I'm not sure. She emailed me first and told me off. Maybe 20xs

 

20? Are you two conversating back and forth or you just emailing her. Because I will tell you that over the course of probably 16 ddays, I have never emailed xMM's W that much.

 

What all are you saying to her?

[TheRightWoman]

 

I took this friend's advice and on DDay 2 I threw H out. He went Nc with xOW that day without explanation. He confessed everything including a secret email which he handed over access to. He begged on his knees. Gave up his phone and his laptop, locked them in the garage and gave me the key. Asked me to have his email stream to my phone. Took leave from work for 6 weeks so he didn't have to answer his office phone or deal with her. He kreralky stayed at home an phones me at work from the landline every hour for 6 weeks. I didn't ask him to. I told him some of it was plain silly. But he was desperate to prove he was done wit lying. You'd be surprised what MM will do when they think they might lose their wives and it doesn't make the wife a control freak. She may not ask for it but it's pretty hard to turn it down when he's begging to do it and you both know trust is seriously damaged.

 

I really think you need to face the reality that he is an adult who made his own decision to cheat and his own decision to dump you. And neither are his wife's decisions or attributable to her. To suggest otherwise is what makes you sound crazy. JMO. What would I know I'm just a BS. But if any xOw here see merit in sure they'll say so. They're mostly pretty sensible about MMs unless they're currently in an affair.

 

Baggage reclaim is spot on- just because you're hurt doesn't make him owe you. Just because he made promises doesn't mean he meant them. Just because he had an A with you doesn't mean you were his "pick" except as an affair partner. And whatever he or his W say to you about their M really needs an ocean of salt. Neither of them have any reason to tell you.

 

Thanks for your post. A lot of it makes sense. I know I'm not thinking very clearly because I am in a lot of pain. I did think we were going to be together and it's hard for me to let go of that fantasy. He was planning to D his W and said he would never tell her of the A. He never wanted her to know. He said the M was over in his mind before he started the A.

 

Yes, he changed his mind. I know, I know.

 

Can I ask if you are still with your H? Does his OW still think she has a chance with him? Why are you staying with him if he's a liar and a cheater?

[Trimmer]

And yes, you are right. It is not my business but he did make it my business when he shared with me all his M problems. He confided in me first so I thought i was a friend to him at the very least.

I mean this in the spirit of discussion, and not to beat on you, but I would suggest that just because he broke the marital boundary and "confided in you", that still doesn't make their marriage, their sex life, their interpersonal dynamic - your business.

 

He blew through a boundary by offering to share his marriage (and his penis) with you. You blew through a boundary by accepting that and participating. You were both wrong, and his transgression doesn't make their marriage your business.

 

Thanks so much daisy. I hope he starts missing me and what we had. I know I can make him happy.

Aw, and I thought you were just getting to the point where you were starting to see him for the deceptive manipulator he is...

 

I know you're hurt, and I know you feel used - I acknowledge the reality of those feelings. But without having to invalidate those real feelings, use your head: he's gone. Wishing for him to miss you and wanting to make him happy is just adding fuel to the fire that burns you, and delays your moving on.

 

Like I said before: you want closure - closure will start when you accept (at least commit to it in your mind) that he is not coming back and that you will not have contact with him or understand him, and that you need to turn to your future and start healing and rebuilding. Closure will continue as long as you keep moving forward and don't drag yourself back, hoping he will eventually come riding up on his white horse.

 

Is that making any sense? Even if it's hard to get past the emotions just now, do you get that, intellectually?

[MissBee]

Thanks so much daisy. I hope he starts missing me and what we had. I know I can make him happy.

 

TheRightWoman.....I suppose your name may be hinting at you thinking you are the "right woman" for him. It is a dead end street.

 

Don't you think it would be more beneficial to you to work on yourself and getting your self-esteem up versus wishing for a man who TOLD YOU he thought you were plain, not that beautiful and only chose you because you'd never leave him? I'm sorry but unless I am on another planet, I'm not understanding how you think a happy future will result from this.

 

You can't make him happy. You can't make another person happy. People who say and think that usually end up in codependent relationships of drama. I again suggest you step outside of your feelings and read your own TRUTH about him and your "relationship" and also read that baggage reclaim site so that reality can sink in quicker.

[TheRightWoman]

Are you going to stop now?

 

Yes.

 

 

 

20? Are you two conversating back and forth or you just emailing her. Because I will tell you that over the course of probably 16 ddays, I have never emailed xMM's W that much.

 

What all are you saying to her?

 

I can't remember everything...but I told her that he said he wanted a D and that he said he loved me. She said he was confused because she ended their M first before he met me but that she was just hurt and angry because he did not give her what she needed. She said that she moved our of their bedroom years before we met but now they were being more open and honest with each other. She said I needed to stop with the competition because there was none. I was not stealing him from a woman that wanted him at first. Now, that she did want him, I was not an option for him and he had made that clear. She said I had some self-respect issues for getting involved with him and for waiting for him and hoping he would leave his family. She said he told her he was a loser when he me. That he acted like an immature jerk and he didn't want to live a double life anymore. Most of that was in today's email she sent... Prior she just kept telling me to stop acting like a teenage skank and chasing after a married man and that I should be ashamed at myself for begging, threatening and crying on the phone like a fool.

[TheRightWoman]

I highly doubt that . . . you sound like a nut. And he can get sex anywhere, especially if he's as hot as you constantly describe.

 

Well apparently his W didn't want it from him....

[TheRightWoman]

I mean this in the spirit of discussion, and not to beat on you, but I would suggest that just because he broke the marital boundary and "confided in you", that still doesn't make their marriage, their sex life, their interpersonal dynamic - your business.

 

He blew through a boundary by offering to share his marriage (and his penis) with you. You blew through a boundary by accepting that and participating. You were both wrong, and his transgression doesn't make their marriage your business.

 

 

Aw, and I thought you were just getting to the point where you were starting to see him for the deceptive manipulator he is...

 

I know you're hurt, and I know you feel used - I acknowledge the reality of those feelings. But without having to invalidate those real feelings, use your head: he's gone. Wishing for him to miss you and wanting to make him happy is just adding fuel to the fire that burns you, and delays your moving on.

 

Like I said before: you want closure - closure will start when you accept (at least commit to it in your mind) that he is not coming back and that you will not have contact with him or understand him, and that you need to turn to your future and start healing and rebuilding. Closure will continue as long as you keep moving forward and don't drag yourself back, hoping he will eventually come riding up on his white horse.

 

Is that making any sense? Even if it's hard to get past the emotions just now, do you get that, intellectually?

 

I agree we were both wrong but I went into it thinking his M was over like mine was so all this has come as a shock to me.

 

I guess I feel he is holding onto his W because he is afraid and not because he truly loves her. He told me he loved her but was not in love with her.

 

And yes, I do get it on some level but I don't think he should be in an unhappy M and I'm surprised he went back a second time when it didn't work the first time. He missed me and came back after 4 months so it's possible he is still lying to her because he got caught and threw me under the bus. But I do believe it's a bit of an act for his W. I know how he was when he was with me.

[MissBee]

Yes.

 

She said I needed to stop with the competition because there was none. I was not stealing him from a woman that wanted him at first. Now, that she did want him, I was not an option for him and he had made that clear. She said I had some self-respect issues for getting involved with him and for waiting for him and hoping he would leave his family. She said he told her he was a loser when he me. That he acted like an immature jerk and he didn't want to live a double life anymore. Most of that was in today's email she sent... Prior she just kept telling me to stop acting like a teenage skank and chasing after a married man and that I should be ashamed at myself for begging, threatening and crying on the phone like a fool.

 

 

TheRightWoman.....the wife makes excellent points. Points some of us here have stated and you yourself has admitted.

 

I think you should let it sink in and really demand more and expect more in life.

 

If I were you I'd be completely humiliated and I would NEVER try to contact him or her again. I'd promptly start reading all the self-help books I could and book a therapist to figure out why I was in such a mess.

 

Yet you're concerned about why his wife wants him. Why do you want him???? Your reasons are far worse! Especially since HE TOLD YOU that you were only some easy bet for him because he thought you would never leave him...yet he speaks of his wife more like she is the prize...as it should be, if he married it her, it makes sense that he probably does love her and think she's great but they have some problems that they're handing poorly. They have issues no doubt and so do you.

 

Please focus on your own issue and why you are hoping that his wife will leave him so that you can be the leftovers he takes up and then you can exhaust yourself in trying to love him and make him happy. Don't you see it will be a dysfunctional cycle that will annihilate ANY form of self esteem you have? Which honestly, not to be mean, but it seems you have none right now, none at all. A relationship built on someone choosing you because you are easy, because someone else dumped them, because they feel they are better than you, will NEVER make you happy. You will spend all your time trying to feel worthy and validated and you never will.

 

Stop trying to get him back and worry about getting you back!

[TheRightWoman]

TheRightWoman.....I suppose your name may be hinting at you thinking you are the "right woman" for him. It is a dead end street.

 

Don't you think it would be more beneficial to you to work on yourself and getting your self-esteem up versus wishing for a man who TOLD YOU he thought you were plain, not that beautiful and only chose you because you'd never leave him? I'm sorry but unless I am on another planet, I'm not understanding how you think a happy future will result from this.

 

You can't make him happy. You can't make another person happy. People who say and think that usually end up in codependent relationships of drama. I again suggest you step outside of your feelings and read your own TRUTH about him and your "relationship" and also read that baggage reclaim site so that reality can sink in quicker.

 

Well, he didn't say that to me. His W did and said he told her but she could be lying to me. I mean everyone has pretty much said she would not have any reason to be honest with me either. Maybe she said it out of anger because she's pissed her H would betray her with a less attractive woman. I don't know. That's got to sting when you're an ex-model.

[MissBee]

I agree we were both wrong but I went into it thinking his M was over like mine was so all this has come as a shock to me.

 

I guess I feel he is holding onto his W because he is afraid and not because he truly loves her. He told me he loved her but was not in love with her.

 

And yes, I do get it on some level but I don't think he should be in an unhappy M and I'm surprised he went back a second time when it didn't work the first time. He missed me and came back after 4 months so it's possible he is still lying to her because he got caught and threw me under the bus. But I do believe it's a bit of an act for his W. I know how he was when he was with me.

 

 

If he doesn't love his wife and doesn't want her...WHY would he act?

 

Why wouldn't he just admit the truth and be with you? If he loves you so much, and is sooo unhappy, what would be the point of him putting on an act for his wife??? Wouldn't he be relieved that he could be with you his true love now?

 

This logic makes no sense. I get that it makes you feel better to imagine that he is at his house dying to be with you...but the reality is far more obvious.

 

TheRightWoman....did you forget all you said about you always feeling stronger, him choosing you because you'd never leave him. Please tell me you see that this was NEVER a relationship built on strong love but rather a convenience that he got caught up in.

 

I'm sorry...but it baffles my mind how in the face of the obvious you somehow can construe it to be love and that he actually loves you more than his wife. You are convincing yourself of more far-fetched things than I can imagine.

[MissBee]

Well, he didn't say that to me. His W did and said he told her but she could be lying to me. I mean everyone has pretty much said she would not have any reason to be honest with me either. Maybe she said it out of anger because she's pissed her H would betray her with a less attractive woman. I don't know. That's got to sting when you're an ex-model.

 

Sooo do you not find any of this humiliating? The fact his wife is saying this to you, the fact he is allowing it, the fact that whether or not you think he is pretending, he is CHOOSING to hurt you and yell at you and clearly he is choosing her feelings over yours. None of this bothers you? You still believe he actually loves you an that this is just all some misunderstanding?

 

I mean really......I'm truly asking.

 

I am mortified for you. But yet you still seem to be pressing on, hoping that she'll dump him so you can have her refuse. Even if a man came crawling back to me after such a fiasco I'd tell him where to shove it and slam the door. As there is NO WAY you will treat me like that and I am going to still think you are the best ever. This is a normal response. A response of a woman with healthy self-esteem who knows she is worth more than this foolishness. You really should realize your response is on the other end of the spectrum and should work on why this man seems like such a prize to you and find out how to rid yourself of the lies you've subconsciously believed about you and your worth.

[TheRightWoman]

 

If he doesn't love his wife and doesn't want her...WHY would he act?

 

Why wouldn't he just admit the truth and be with you? If he loves you so much, and is sooo unhappy, what would be the point of him putting on an act for his wife??? Wouldn't he be relieved that he could be with you his true love now?

 

This logic makes no sense. I get that it makes you feel better to imagine that he is at his house dying to be with you...but the reality is far more obvious.

 

TheRightWoman....did you forget all you said about you always feeling stronger, him choosing you because you'd never leave him. Please tell me you see that this was NEVER a relationship built on strong love but rather a convenience that he got caught up in.

 

I'm sorry...but it baffles my mind how in the face of the obvious you somehow can construe it to be love and that he actually loves you more than his wife. You are convincing yourself of more far-fetched things than I can imagine.

 

 

I don't know. To save his reputation. I have been reading a lot about affairs and it seems they often continue after D-day because they're like an addiction and that I meet some important needs of MM. He wouldn't have been with me if I wasn't meeting some needs, right? Yes, his W meets some needs but he is going to miss the needs I meet. A lot of men do leave their W's for the OP. A lot don't, yes. I see that too.

 

But I guess I hope he will be the one that will realize he has a better future with me. As for calling me plain and average, his W said that...he always complimented me and told me I was pretty. He seemed to find me attractive. After all, we did have sex every time we saw each other so he must have thought me more than just plain. I'm not sure I believe anything his W says because she has ulterior motives. She is saving face and wanting me to think he didn't love me because she is hurt. I have been a BS and I know how it feels. You don't want to believe your spouse doesn't love you but if they cheated, they must not think you're very valuable, right? Otherwise, why would he risk losing her if she was such a "prize"??