Used, Dumped and Furious!

[truthbetold]

Yes.

 

 

 

 

 

I can't remember everything...but I told her that he said he wanted a D and that he said he loved me. She said he was confused because she ended their M first before he met me but that she was just hurt and angry because he did not give her what she needed. She said that she moved our of their bedroom years before we met but now they were being more open and honest with each other. She said I needed to stop with the competition because there was none. I was not stealing him from a woman that wanted him at first. Now, that she did want him, I was not an option for him and he had made that clear. She said I had some self-respect issues for getting involved with him and for waiting for him and hoping he would leave his family. She said he told her he was a loser when he me. That he acted like an immature jerk and he didn't want to live a double life anymore. Most of that was in today's email she sent... Prior she just kept telling me to stop acting like a teenage skank and chasing after a married man and that I should be ashamed at myself for begging, threatening and crying on the phone like a fool.

 

 

Between this and the post above where his W tells you that their sex life has resumed is all you need to know and understand right now to move on.

 

It seems that if someone posts that hasn't bother to either read or read clearly the whole thread, if they post that he may be back or that he may go somewhere else for sex seems to give you hope that he will back for you. He's made it clear he won't. You need to stop hurting yourself by believing that he will. In some ways you are lucky that you don't have to guess what he wants, he's spelled it out, you need to focus on moving on.

 

Unfortunately there are MM's who do use an affair to to light a fire under the W's and make them notice them. Please don't hurt yourself further by giving yourself false hope.

[TheRightWoman]

Sooo do you not find any of this humiliating? The fact his wife is saying this to you, the fact he is allowing it, the fact that whether or not you think he is pretending, he is CHOOSING to hurt you and yell at you and clearly he is choosing her feelings over yours. None of this bothers you? You still believe he actually loves you an that this is just all some misunderstanding?

 

I mean really......I'm truly asking.

 

I am mortified for you. But yet you still seem to be pressing on, hoping that she'll dump him so you can have her refuse. Even if a man came crawling back to me after such a fiasco I'd tell him where to shove it and slam the door. As there is NO WAY you will treat me like that and I am going to still think you are the best ever. This is a normal response. A response of a woman with healthy self-esteem who knows she is worth more than this foolishness. You really should realize your response is on the other end of the spectrum and should work on why this man seems like such a prize to you and find out how to rid yourself of the lies you've subconsciously believed about you and your worth.

 

It makes me angry more than humiliated. I don't believe her to be honest. I think she is grasping at straws because her precious H cheated on her.

 

Yes, he yelled at me in front of his W but what else was he going to do? He couldn't be honest in front of her. I mean, come on. Yes, he's a liar but why suddenly does she get the truth and I do not. Could he NOT still be lying to her?

 

He seems like a prize because I knew what he was like before his W found out and he was wonderful and we were happy. We had a good sex life and we made plans for the future. He wouldn't have been with me if he was truly happy in his M.

[truthbetold]

It makes me angry more than humiliated. I don't believe her to be honest. I think she is grasping at straws because her precious H cheated on her.

 

Yes, he yelled at me in front of his W but what else was he going to do? He couldn't be honest in front of her. I mean, come on. Yes, he's a liar but why suddenly does she get the truth and I do not. Could he NOT still be lying to her?

 

He seems like a prize because I knew what he was like before his W found out and he was wonderful and we were happy. We had a good sex life and we made plans for the future. He wouldn't have been with me if he was truly happy in his M.

 

 

I'm going to share a true story. There was a woman much like you held on to the hopes. Wife was more attractive etc... He came to live with her for 6mos ended up going back to wife. Managed to go back and forth for awhile. Whole affair was 6 years I believe. He basically used the ow for money and an ego boost. Long story short it ended fall 2010 fall. After being busted yet again he fell to his knees and professed undying love for wife and how stupid he was to risk it etc...

 

OW didn't want to believe , kept holding on. Finally sued him a YEAR later. He still never budged. Still with the wife. Makes me cringe for you bc he said the same things (after wife told her that her husband said all these awful descriptions about the ow such as ugly, desperate, clingy and ow didn't believe him, she kept harrassing him until he screamed at her on the phone all that the wife said, thus confirming it)

 

DO you really want to go there?? Is that what it's going to take to wake you up? I few posts up you seemed to have gotten it that unfortunately you were made a fool and needed to move on. Now you're in denial and spinning more fantasies. You need to get real and fast. He doesn't want you and you're going to destroy yourself trying to believe that he does.

[MissBee]

Goodluck to you TheRightWoman....as I don't think anyone here can really get you to see how messed up this entire thing is.

 

You want to be his OW and hopes he will miss you and come back, and no matter what, even with his obvious bad treatment you justify it and would rather believe his wife is lying or he is confused or ANY other thing besides the truth.

 

He risked losing her then when he had the choice to stay or go...what did he do? He promptly dumped YOU and stayed. He is treating you both poorly, but he is treating you even worse. You are crying over him and calling and posting on LS and he is at home "unhappy" WITH his wife he CHOSE still after dday.

 

I'm sorry, how many relationships have you been in in your life? It seems as though you have NO concept of a man being a player, lying, having sex with you without loving you or even finding you super attractive etc, using you for ego strokes, changing his mind etc. You sound and reason more like a teenaged girl who is doe-eyed and believes everything some older boy says versus a grown, married woman who has dated before and understands how relationships work and don't work in the real world.

 

But really...goodluck to you. I hope you come into your self and pride soon.

Edited April 23, 2012 by MissBee

[Motor35]

I feel he owes me.

 

he doesn't owe you anything. he is married to another woman.

[MissBee]

It makes me angry more than humiliated. I don't believe her to be honest. I think she is grasping at straws because her precious H cheated on her.

 

Yes, he yelled at me in front of his W but what else was he going to do? He couldn't be honest in front of her. I mean, come on. Yes, he's a liar but why suddenly does she get the truth and I do not. Could he NOT still be lying to her?

 

He seems like a prize because I knew what he was like before his W found out and he was wonderful and we were happy. We had a good sex life and we made plans for the future. He wouldn't have been with me if he was truly happy in his M.

 

 

Smh....

 

Okay TheRightWoman.....

 

I really suggest you see a counselor very soon. As your line of reasoning is one of the most out of whack I have ever seen and no one here can make you see this.

 

Even if he is not happy with his wife...he does not love you.....if he did, he would not have chosen his unhappy marriage over you. He did not make plans with you for the future. You guys had a sex life.....that is it. You did not have love or a real relationship.

 

You are building your hopes on the fact that he is potentially still lying to her. Honestly...that is sad. Like I said and this is probably my last response: you need to work on yourself and stop worrying about him and his wife. Address your lack of self-esteem before you try to be in a relationship with ANYONE. Do you have daughters? If you do...you definitely need to RUN to the therapist so that you do not pass down your poor relationship skills to them.

[TheRightWoman]

Goodluck to you TheRightWoman....as I don't think anyone here can really get you to see how messed up this entire thing is.

 

You want to be his OW and hopes he will miss you and come back, and no matter what, even with his obvious bad treatment you justify it and would rather believe his wife is lying or he is confused or ANY other thing besides the truth.

 

He risked losing her then when he had the choice to stay or go...what did he do? He promptly dumped YOU and stayed. He is treating you both poorly, but he is treating you even worse. You are crying over him and calling and posting on LS and he is at home "unhappy" WITH his wife he CHOSE still after dday.

 

I'm sorry, how many relationships have you been in in your life? It seems as though you have NO concept of a man being a player, lying, having sex with you without loving you or even finding you super attractive etc, using you for ego strokes, changing his mind etc. You sound and reason more like a teenaged girl who is doe-eyed and believes everything some older boy says versus a grown, married woman who has dated before and understands how relationships work and don't work in the real world.

 

But really...goodluck to you. I hope you come into your self and pride soon.

 

I admit it is messed up. I'm sorry I'm not getting it right away. Yes, he may be telling me the truth, his W may be too. I don't know. Is it so wrong that I'm trying to figure it all out because I want to believe the best of him? Things were wonderful between us until he told his W he wanted a D. Then it all went downhill.

 

I guess I'm hoping there is a way to fix this and that everyone can be happy again.

[TheRightWoman]

Goodluck to you TheRightWoman....as I don't think anyone here can really get you to see how messed up this entire thing is.

 

You want to be his OW and hopes he will miss you and come back, and no matter what, even with his obvious bad treatment you justify it and would rather believe his wife is lying or he is confused or ANY other thing besides the truth.

 

He risked losing her then when he had the choice to stay or go...what did he do? He promptly dumped YOU and stayed. He is treating you both poorly, but he is treating you even worse. You are crying over him and calling and posting on LS and he is at home "unhappy" WITH his wife he CHOSE still after dday.

 

I'm sorry, how many relationships have you been in in your life? It seems as though you have NO concept of a man being a player, lying, having sex with you without loving you or even finding you super attractive etc, using you for ego strokes, changing his mind etc. You sound and reason more like a teenaged girl who is doe-eyed and believes everything some older boy says versus a grown, married woman who has dated before and understands how relationships work and don't work in the real world.

 

But really...goodluck to you. I hope you come into your self and pride soon.

 

I admit it is messed up. I'm sorry I'm not getting it right away. Yes, he may be telling me the truth, his W may be too. I don't know. Is it so wrong that I'm trying to figure it all out because I want to believe the best of him? Things were wonderful between us until he told his W he wanted a D. Then it all went downhill.

 

I guess I'm hoping there is a way to fix this and that everyone can be happy again.

 

My H was my first serious relationship. MM was my second.

[MissBee]

I admit it is messed up. I'm sorry I'm not getting it right away. Yes, he may be telling me the truth, his W may be too. I don't know. Is it so wrong that I'm trying to figure it all out because I want to believe the best of him? Things were wonderful between us until he told his W he wanted a D. Then it all went downhill.

 

I guess I'm hoping there is a way to fix this and that everyone can be happy again.

 

There is nothing to be fixed. You didn't have anything to begin with. It makes sense about MM being only your second relationship as believe me, your views on relationships are very naive. Listen to people who have been there and done that.

 

You are still married. Hello....are you not?

 

You need to fix YOURSELF and your self esteem and leave these folks alone.

 

What about your kids? Your life before? You need to focus on making a life for yourself and move forward. People in normal relationships break up and you move on...how much more in an A where the MM goes back to his wife?

 

Worry about you. Worry about your kids. That's it. Guaranteed once you leave him alone and focus on healing you, life will be happy FOR REAL and not your fake happiness and illusions, which is what the A was. It was a temporary distraction that HAD TO end....it always does. It ended for you and you need to take this opportunity to work on yourself.

[TheRightWoman]

I've never read of someone in such denial as this one. It has every cliche that affairs have, which make me go.....ummm is this for real. The desperate ow, the tough wife, the man who goes back to his marriage and tells the ow to leave them alone. Denial, denial from the ow.....it has all the elements to pull people in. Just sayin'.

 

I have admitted I might be in denial but maybe his W is too. I'm posting here to get other opinions. The friend who married her MM said he went through a period when he was confused and he too went back and forth a couple times. Now they are very happy. I thought this was an OM/OW forum so I thought I could get opinions from people who had been in A's and they worked out.

[MissBee]

I have admitted I might be in denial but maybe his W is too. I'm posting here to get other opinions. The friend who married her MM said he went through a period when he was confused and he too went back and forth a couple times. Now they are very happy. I thought this was an OM/OW forum so I thought I could get opinions from people who had been in A's and they worked out.

 

Can you stop bringing his wife up?

 

You are not joined to the hip with her. Even if she is in denial, what does that have to do with you?????

 

Is your MM calling you, begging you to be his woman, showing you his divorce papers? No he is not! If he wanted to he would have. That is proof enough. So stop trying to make it seem like his wife is forcing him to do/not do things. He is right where he wants to be. He ended with you BEFORE...hello....even if he came back...that means nothing...he still dumped you again. This is not about his wife.

 

This is an OW forum and the reality is: most As don't work out.

 

That is the simple truth. You're here hoping people will lie to you and validate your beliefs that he loves you and his horrible wife is keeping you apart? But a spade is a spade and we do not see that from your story and won't lie about it.

[TheRightWoman]

I understand what you are all saying but he wanted to leave his W so we could be in a real relationship so we must have had something for him to consider it. And for him to go so far as to ask her for a D. He must have thought I was worth leaving her for at some point. I don't believe their M will make him happy because it did not in the past. Why is this so delusional? He came back before and things between us got serious. He said he loved me. He didn't need to say that to keep me in the A as I had already been in an A with him for 7 months before he said it.

 

Are you all saying that A's never work out? Because that is not true. There must be one OW on this forum whose MM left the M??

[Artie Lang]

I thought this was an OM/OW forum so I thought I could get opinions from people who had been in A's and they worked out.

 

this is that forum. the thing is, you are frustrating the OW here with your denial.

 

they are telling you this because they've been through it themselves. they want to spare you more heartache-- you're just not listening.

 

you might be the most stubborn OW i've read about here. you want this guy so bad, that you're tuning everybody out. you keep repeating yourself.

 

since you're not getting the responses you desire, you question everyone's response as being mean.

[wannabdone]

I admit it is messed up. I'm sorry I'm not getting it right away. Yes, he may be telling me the truth, his W may be too. I don't know. Is it so wrong that I'm trying to figure it all out because I want to believe the best of him? Things were wonderful between us until he told his W he wanted a D. Then it all went downhill.

 

I guess I'm hoping there is a way to fix this and that everyone can be happy again.

 

 

I hate to hurt your feelings, but I think he told his W he wanted a D in hopes that she would wake up. In which it seems like she did.

 

I know you want answers, but I think you have been given them. By both parties. Whether he's lying or whatever.... his ACTIONS and WORDS are he is staying with W and working on his M and he doesn't wish to see you. Thats your closure, and a heck of a lot more than a lot of women get. Case closed, he's staying, shes staying... so what are you going to do with your life?

[woinlove]

I have admitted I might be in denial but maybe his W is too. I'm posting here to get other opinions. The friend who married her MM said he went through a period when he was confused and he too went back and forth a couple times. Now they are very happy. I thought this was an OM/OW forum so I thought I could get opinions from people who had been in A's and they worked out.

 

You are hearing form OWs. There won't be as many that "work out" because change is difficult and takes real commitment and effort. I was with a MM who divorced his W and wanted to be with me, so some might say that "worked out". But I then left him, because it was only after he divorced that I finally saw he had not really changed from the man who cheated on his W, he had only changed his marital status.

 

How did you mean "work out"? Do you mean two married people having an A, both leaving their spouses, and then marrying each other and managing to be honest and faithful years down the road? Or are you thinking of something else?

[Angelina527]

I understand what you are all saying but he wanted to leave his W so we could be in a real relationship so we must have had something for him to consider it. And for him to go so far as to ask her for a D. He must have thought I was worth leaving her for at some point. I don't believe their M will make him happy because it did not in the past. Why is this so delusional? He came back before and things between us got serious. He said he loved me. He didn't need to say that to keep me in the A as I had already been in an A with him for 7 months before he said it.

 

Are you all saying that A's never work out? Because that is not true. There must be one OW on this forum whose MM left the M??

 

Yes. Me. Then he cheated on me, too. That's what you have to look forward to if he does leave.

[TheRightWoman]

I said the responses calling me a bunny boiler, crazy or making references to some stupid movie were uncalled for...

 

Yes, I may be in denial.

 

Maybe MM is with his W because he loves her but I was not in complete denial when it came to the A. The M was bad that's why he was with me...

 

So I'm sorry but I love this man and I'm not sure his W is telling me the truth about anything.

 

Bad M = Affair.

 

Affairs sometimes end a bad M or the are used as an EXIT A.

 

It is possible that their M will end.

 

But yes, I will not contact him again. I agree with that! I will not!

 

I will see a counselor. And my doctor as I think I need AD's. I am losing sleep and I have already lost 10lbs because I can't keep food down.

 

I will stop contacting his W too. But honestly, I can't just stop loving him because you all tell me I should. It's not that easy. Can't you understand that? How can I snap my fingers and suddenly believe he's horrible after loving him for over a year? It's not that simple.

 

I agree the A was dysfunctional if he was lying to me. I wanted to believe we were both in dead marriages and would go onto be together. That happens a lot. I thought we were both looking for an exit but I am willing to accept that perhaps he was not or that he changed his mind...

 

And if he called, I would be willing to listen and would not jump into again without asking the right questions...

[TheRightWoman]

You are hearing form OWs. There won't be as many that "work out" because change is difficult and takes real commitment and effort. I was with a MM who divorced his W and wanted to be with me, so some might say that "worked out". But I then left him, because it was only after he divorced that I finally saw he had not really changed from the man who cheated on his W, he had only changed his marital status.

 

How did you mean "work out"? Do you mean two married people having an A, both leaving their spouses, and then marrying each other and managing to be honest and faithful years down the road? Or are you thinking of something else?

 

I wasn't think marriage necessarily but I was hoping we would be together and be able to come out with our R and not sneak around...

 

I wanted him to meet my kids someday and he said I would meet his...

[TheRightWoman]

Yes. Me. Then he cheated on me, too. That's what you have to look forward to if he does leave.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

I guess he may cheat on his W again. I hope that's what happens because she is so smug.

[truthbetold]

I hate to hurt your feelings, but I think he told his W he wanted a D in hopes that she would wake up. In which it seems like she did.

 

I know you want answers, but I think you have been given them. By both parties. Whether he's lying or whatever.... his ACTIONS and WORDS are he is staying with W and working on his M and he doesn't wish to see you. Thats your closure, and a heck of a lot more than a lot of women get. Case closed, he's staying, shes staying... so what are you going to do with your life?

 

BINGO! Please read this and read it again, then hang it on the bathroom mirror so you can see it and GET IT.

 

I think in YOUR situation that is exactly why he asked for the D. TO WAKE THE WIFE UP. Everything from you being in your words, plain to him needing ego stroked to him telling you to get lost after he got what he wanted (his wife to pay attention to him and resume a sex life) says YOUR situation is NOT like the one where the mm was confused and went back and forth and eventually chose the ow.

 

YOUR situation is he unfortunately for you did USE YOU to get his wife's attention which he suceeded and has now dumped you. If you need to hear this from him, don't say you weren't warned for how humiliating that will be. I do feel sorry for you that you can't gather up your self respect and see this for what it was.

 

The one's that do work out do not have the elements that your situation have and even those have a heck of road for all the lies and trust issues after the newness has gone. Your's seriously doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of working out. Not from what YOU have said. In YOUR words.

[TheRightWoman]

LOL........it's an ow forum, but you won't find many ow who ended up with mm. That according to stats is representative of real. Most ow don't end up with mm. If they do.......those relationships have a lot of challenges and few make it long term.

 

What do you want? Do you want people just to blow smoke up your arse and pat you on the head and say it's ok dear......just wait, he will come back to you?? There are other places out there that fit that bill but you will find about the same amount of ow there who ended up with mm too. Now, if you want real advice from many former ow, then you are in the right place. Many ow here have walked in your shoes or similar shoes. Many have did a lot of hard work on themselves and they are improved in their self esteem and they recognize unhealthy relationships and see the warning signs.

 

People are trying to help you, although I can't help but wonder if this is a real story since it has all the cliches and frankly it's hard to believe someone could be as deep in denial as you are.

 

Your reality is IT'S OVER, to further delude yourself that he didn't mean it will only keep you stuck in the place you are now. As so many and especially MissBee has pointed out, your reality is not figuring him out, it's YOU. Get your head on straight, accept it's over, deal with the pain, then you can start working on why you allow someone to treat you like your husband has and why you are so desperate to hang on to something you never had to start with. This man is done with you. Your refusal to let go of hope is not healthy nor sane.

 

I guess I was looking for hope from others or that someone would see hope in my story. I don't know...

 

But yes, telling me the truth as you see it is what I need to hear.

 

I feel like a fool for getting into this and having my heart smashed into pieces. It seems very unfair because now he can just go home and all is well in his world because his W forgives him.

 

It just seems so so so unfair and I feel ripped off. I was there for him. I loved him when she did not and I'm the trash he throws away. It doesn't make sense and feel that's it's not fair to me.

 

I puzzled as to why you question my story. I read a bit of the forum and mine is not the only story that is dramatic. I admit there is drama but I did not start the drama. MM did and his W did. I got played.

[truthbetold]

Bad M = Affair.

 

Affairs sometimes end a bad M or the are used as an EXIT A.

 

It is possible that their M will end.

 

BIG mistake as that's YOUR truth not his. Sometimes

 

Bad, bored, selfish MM = affair. MOST of those types of affairs do not end the marriage.

 

Is it POSSIBLE the marriage will end? The question you should ask yourself is why are you not stopping at anything to just want to hear YOUR views validated. So many have told you move on, he's not leaving. I guess you'll just have to see that for yourself.

[spice4life]

There have been stories where the MM goes back and forth before he ends up with the OW, BUT I've never seen a story like yours. Your MM AND his wife have blatantly told you to stop contacting him, that it was over. And more importantly, he told you why. He changed his mind because he felt you were too needy and frm what you're posting here, that's true. The stories where it worked out did not play out like yours at all. I'm sorry, but you really need to see the reality here and you are refusing to.

[woinlove]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

I guess he may cheat on his W again. I hope that's what happens because she is so smug.

 

You hope this man cheats on his wife again -- is that some pain talking or what you really wish? Are you in IC? If not, it might help you process the pain and help reset the focus of your life.

[Artie Lang]

And if he called, I would be willing to listen and would not jump into again without asking the right questions...

 

i highly doubt your response would be so benign, given your feelings for him.

 

as long as the possibilty to have him by your side, you'd resume the affair in an instant-- i'm willing to bet my life on it.

 

how old are you, btw? you sound like a love-struck teen.