Used, Dumped and Furious!

[whichwayisup]

I said the responses calling me a bunny boiler, crazy or making references to some stupid movie were uncalled for...

 

Yes, I may be in denial.

 

Maybe MM is with his W because he loves her but I was not in complete denial when it came to the A. The M was bad that's why he was with me...

 

So I'm sorry but I love this man and I'm not sure his W is telling me the truth about anything.

 

Bad M = Affair.

 

Affairs sometimes end a bad M or the are used as an EXIT A.

 

It is possible that their M will end.

 

But yes, I will not contact him again. I agree with that! I will not!

 

I will see a counselor. And my doctor as I think I need AD's. I am losing sleep and I have already lost 10lbs because I can't keep food down.

 

I will stop contacting his W too. But honestly, I can't just stop loving him because you all tell me I should. It's not that easy. Can't you understand that? How can I snap my fingers and suddenly believe he's horrible after loving him for over a year? It's not that simple.

 

I agree the A was dysfunctional if he was lying to me. I wanted to believe we were both in dead marriages and would go onto be together. That happens a lot. I thought we were both looking for an exit but I am willing to accept that perhaps he was not or that he changed his mind...

 

And if he called, I would be willing to listen and would not jump into again without asking the right questions...

 

You sound calmer today and less hysterical. Raw emotions will do that , especially when an affair ends. I am sorry you're hurting and glad to hear that you're going to seek some counselling to help you cope with this. Your health, both mental and physically is important.

 

Ignore the posts that make you feel worse and focus on the helpful words. Don't even bother commenting on the ones that are outright rude and name calling, hit the alert button and let the mods deal with it.

 

Keep posting.

[MissBee]

I understand what you are all saying but he wanted to leave his W so we could be in a real relationship so we must have had something for him to consider it. And for him to go so far as to ask her for a D. He must have thought I was worth leaving her for at some point. I don't believe their M will make him happy because it did not in the past. Why is this so delusional? He came back before and things between us got serious. He said he loved me. He didn't need to say that to keep me in the A as I had already been in an A with him for 7 months before he said it.

 

Are you all saying that A's never work out? Because that is not true. There must be one OW on this forum whose MM left the M??

 

TheRightWoman...you have only been with 2 men....an abusive husband and a married man. I apologize, but your views on how relationships work seem to very limited and built on dysfunction.

 

Even if he THOUGHT you were worth leaving for (which I don't see why you made this about you. As if he is unhappy he should divorce regardless of if an OW exists or not)....do you not see how it is delusional that you act like this means something. What is the point of what he THOUGHT if he doesn't think it now and his actions show he is in a different place? You seem not to be able to wrap your mind about people saying one thing while in the throes of the A, promising the world and then backing out. That is what is delusional. You acting like it is written in stone what he said before and that because he said it...it's true.

 

What is delusional is you saying what you believe is best for him when you just knew him in an A, for a year. It is delusional to believe that you can make another person happy. It is delusional that you are married to someone else and are trying to act like nothing is wrong and your MM needs to just come back. You seem unconcerned about your own mess.

 

It is delusional to act like because someone said they loved you it means they had to mean it or they couldn't be caught up. It is delusional that you admit you feel more strongly for him than he does for you, you humiliated yourself and he humiliated you and you feel like this is still a good idea to pursue.

 

It is delusional that with all the evidence presented you would like to believe that because some As have worked out, yours will, when there seems to be no evidence showing this. The most delusional is that you admit to your self-esteem issues and attention-seeking from him and how you put him on a pedestal, yet believe you getting him back will be the answer to your problems. It is delusional that you do not see how you need to fix yourself before being worried about a man.

[TheRightWoman]

You hope this man cheats on his wife again -- is that some pain talking or what you really wish? Are you in IC? If not, it might help you process the pain and help reset the focus of your life.

 

A part of me does hope he cheats on her again. Is that so wrong? He used me and she talks to me like I'm some kind of whore but I'm just an woman who believed what I was told and fell in love. I'm not a whore.

 

I'm sorry. I'm just furious right now. I'm sure when I calm down, I will wish them well for their kid's sake at least...

[whichwayisup]

I feel like a fool for getting into this and having my heart smashed into pieces. It seems very unfair because now he can just go home and all is well in his world because his W forgives him.

 

Trust me, she hasn't forgiven him and all is NOT okay with them. It's going to take a lot of hard work for BOTH of them to salvage their marriage. They had issues before the A and the A has given them more issues..Maybe the A was the wake up call for both of them to try to give it one last shot before throwing in the towel.

[TheRightWoman]

i highly doubt your response would be so benign, given your feelings for him.

 

as long as the possibilty to have him by your side, you'd resume the affair in an instant-- i'm willing to bet my life on it.

 

how old are you, btw? you sound like a love-struck teen.

 

 

Yes, I might get sucked in but I'm at least trying to see this from other perspectives. That's why I started posting here. I admit I'm messed up due to this A... I have not denied that.

 

I'm 36.

[jwi71]

Maybe MM is with his W because he loves her but I was not in complete denial when it came to the A. The M was bad that's why he was with me...

 

Incorrect assumption. HE was not fulfilled with some aspects of the M - that's why he had the A. If he TRULY wanted out - he would BE out.

 

So I'm sorry but I love this man and I'm not sure his W is telling me the truth about anything.

 

A's will do that to you - you can't believe the MM and now you can't believe the W. Are you certain this MM is WHO you want as a H? How can you possibly know which way is up?

 

In any case...it sure seems like he wants it NOW?

How do we knows this? Well...has he moved out and filed for D?

 

Bad M = Affair.

 

Incorrect. See above.

 

Affairs sometimes end a bad M or the are used as an EXIT A.

 

Correct.

The only way to know if it IS an exit A is to hang around and see if he decides to leave. However, given that his W knows...and further given he left then came back...I'm fairly certain he has decided to stay in the M - especially since he is STILL THERE.

 

It is possible that their M will end.

 

And?

 

I will stop contacting his W too. But honestly, I can't just stop loving him because you all tell me I should. It's not that easy. Can't you understand that? How can I snap my fingers and suddenly believe he's horrible after loving him for over a year? It's not that simple.

 

Given all he has done TO you...WHY do you love him still?

Or have you conjured excuses for all that he says and does?

 

And if he called, I would be willing to listen and would not jump into again without asking the right questions...

 

So this A is NOT done...you are just waiting.

 

Perhaps your MM would be more inclined to leave if YOU filed for D and moved out FIRST?

[MissBee]

A part of me does hope he cheats on her again. Is that so wrong? He used me and she talks to me like I'm some kind of whore but I'm just an woman who believed what I was told and fell in love. I'm not a whore.

 

I'm sorry. I'm just furious right now. I'm sure when I calm down, I will wish them well for their kid's sake at least...

 

YOU admit he has used you....you should be furious and you should be running for the hills...not hoping he will return.

[Angelina527]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

I guess he may cheat on his W again. I hope that's what happens because she is so smug.

 

What an awful thing to say...she has a right to be smug. YOU intruded on HER marriage. I also guarantee that she is in tremendous pain.

[jwi71]

A part of me does hope he cheats on her again. Is that so wrong? He used me and she talks to me like I'm some kind of whore but I'm just an woman who believed what I was told and fell in love. I'm not a whore.

 

How did he use you again?

I'm not quite following your victim mentality here.

What specifically did he say/do that resulted in him using you?

[TheRightWoman]

You sent his wife article on marriage, I don't mean to be mean, but holy crap woman, you the ow sent his wife articles on marriage, while you are still hoping and waiting for him to come back to you. Really now......you think that is rational? I wonder if there are other things that you are too to tell

 

I admitted this was wrong but she sent me an article first. I will not do it again.

[Welcome2MyLife]

For the love of oh gosh I don't know... Just stop this madness..

 

That statement was for me lol.. I can't believe I read this whole board

 

here are some facts

 

#1 He is a cheater, liar and sneak.. he will cheat on you, lie and sneak around

#2 See #1

[TheRightWoman]

How did he use you again?

I'm not quite following your victim mentality here.

What specifically did he say/do that resulted in him using you?

 

Some posters have said he used me for sex. I guess I let myself be used though. I do see that...

 

And for the person who asked why I still love him....I don't know. I can't just turn it off. I still remember his good qualities. I miss him.

 

His W knows he's a liar and a cheat and she still loves him so how is it any different. Are the BS's foolish for loving their WS's?

[woinlove]

Some posters have said he used me for sex. I guess I let myself be used though. I do see that...

 

Yes, you said the sex was wonderful so who was using who for sex? . Right now, you sound like you are driven by emotions and can't see what others are encouraging you to look at. When all this is behind you, you may come to realize this wasn't true love at all, but a heady mix of sex and infatuation and two needy people each trying to fill up something inside themselves with each other.

[LoveTKO]

***@TheRightWoman......again, read my first post. If you're an OW/OW you must adhere to the guidelines ratified in the rules of "the game", especially the part about not threatening your married lover with blackmail by going public with the affair. If you do this you have sealed your fate forever. He is NOT coming back....end of story.

 

You need to focus on yourself now and focus on developing a coping strategy to deal with your loss. Just accept that it's over and face the pain head on. Drink some cheap wine and listen to Neil Sedaka's tearjerker "Laughter in The Rain" a couple of times and move on.....

[wannabdone]

Some posters have said he used me for sex. I guess I let myself be used though. I do see that...

 

And for the person who asked why I still love him....I don't know. I can't just turn it off. I still remember his good qualities. I miss him.

 

His W knows he's a liar and a cheat and she still loves him so how is it any different. Are the BS's foolish for loving their WS's?

 

 

And you may never know the answer to that question of why you still do. All you know is that this is so not healthy for you, and you have to put a stop to it to save the bits of sanity you have left.

 

You will never get the answers you want, for the answers you want is he leaves and you live happily ever after. Its a hard and bitter pill to swallow, but its one that must happen. Or I promise you, you will turn into that bunny boiler. Do you seriously think you could take another go around with this guy? I don't think so.

[whichwayisup]

His W knows he's a liar and a cheat and she still loves him so how is it any different. Are the BS's foolish for loving their WS's?

 

The difference is, they have a long history together, they built a life together. Kids, house, friends, family, in laws, finances, etc.. They said vows to one another, through good times and bad times. She may want to stick to her vows and see this through, fix things if he is willing .. And it seems like he is.

[wannabdone]

The difference is, they have a long history together, they built a life together. Kids, house, friends, family, in laws, finances, etc.. They said vows to one another, through good times and bad times. She may want to stick to her vows and see this through, fix things if he is willing .. And it seems like he is.

 

 

Its very EASY to say "I hate him/her", "I want a divorce".... until it gets down to the nut cutting. Then often (more times than not) you rethink it.... and often can not do it.

 

Rightgirl, you should know this more than anyone. You are in a loveless M, you haven't left your H.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks so much daisy. I hope he starts missing me and what we had. I know I can make him happy.

 

 

You can't make yourself happy, what makes you think you are capable of making anyone else happy?:confused:

[bentnotbroken]

Some posters have said he used me for sex. I guess I let myself be used though. I do see that...

 

And for the person who asked why I still love him....I don't know. I can't just turn it off. I still remember his good qualities. I miss him.

 

His W knows he's a liar and a cheat and she still loves him so how is it any different. Are the BS's foolish for loving their WS's?

 

 

In some instances....yes. Now what's your excuse?

[bentnotbroken]

I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

I guess he may cheat on his W again. I hope that's what happens because she is so smug.

 

 

So if she deserves to be cheated on for being smug, what do you deserve for sending her emails about sex? Careful.....

[bentnotbroken]

That's ridiculous! I have never shown up at his home nor would I ever. I have never confronted him or his W in person and I would never. Yes, I have tried to contact him but in the past when I did, he responded so now I'm crazy because I didn't just give up on someone I loved. Did you ever pine for a BF after you broke up and then get back together? This situation is complicated.

 

As for his W, she contacted me FIRST.

 

 

Yes, when I was 16 or 17...you said you were in your late 30's...see the difference.

[MissBee]

You can't make yourself happy, what makes you think you are capable of making anyone else happy?:confused:

 

Well said.

 

That was my whole point.

 

She needs to leave this man alone and figure out her own stuff and learn self-care and self-love and leave her current marriage and it's woes before trying to "make him happy".

[TheRightWoman]

He emailed me and yes i guess you can all say i told you so now....

 

Here is the email:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear *********

 

 

I am only e-mailing you because you have continued to contact my wife. She knows I am writing this e-mail as I will never contact you behind her back again. I am fully committed to my marriage. You need to stop disrespecting my wife by claiming this is all not fair to you and by sending her offensive articles, or I will be calling my lawyer. Going so far as to suggest to my wife that our marriage is still sexless seems like a cruel heartless jab on your part and you should be ashamed.

 

Our affair was very wrong and my wife did not deserve to be betrayed so terribly. Yes, there were problems in our marriage but that did not give me the right to go outside my marriage to have my needs met. Instead I should have spoken to my wife about my unhappiness and addressed her concerns as well. From this day forward, I will do everything in my power to prove to my wife that I am a husband that is worthy of her forgiveness and love.

 

I urge you to seek counselling, just as I have sought counselling to determine why I was so immature and selfish, and why I allowed myself to get into an affair with a woman I would not get involved with in normal circumstances. You were simply a poor replacement for my wife and our relationship was not real. I have learned that affairs are built on lies and deceit and that is the reason they fail. Our affair never truly felt right to me and I was often plagued with guilt, which I expressed to you many times in the months leading up to my confession to my wife. You knew very well I wanted out and that I was scared of losing my wife. Looking back, I was confused and much of what I said to you makes no sense to me now so I don't expect you to understand why I said the things I did when I barely understand what I was thinking myself. Prior to meeting you, I was too angry and full of ego to take a good long look at myself and I blamed my wife for all our issues. You had no right to play God and threaten me like you did and you should have had the maturity to let me go, but I also take responsibility for getting involved with you in the first place. The truth is, I love my wife very much and I always have, but I acted like a selfish jerk and now my family has to deal with the fallout of my mistakes. We all made mistakes in this situation, but ours were the worst as we hurt innocent people, and that is truly what is not fair.

 

Do no call me, text me or email me again, or contact my wife. DO NOT respond to this e-mail. This will be our last correspondence. I hope you and your husband can work out your problems for the sake of your children.

 

MM

[LoveTKO]

I told you.....expose the affair or blackmail him and you're done forever. I didn't just make this up for fun..

[Artie Lang]

Going so far as to suggest to my wife that our marriage is still sexless seems like a cruel heartless jab on your part and you should be

ashamed.

 

see how he's turning it around on you-- he's shaming you. you just got thrown under the bus.

 

where's his shame?!

 

 

From this day forward, I will do everything in my power to prove to my wife that I am a husband that is worthy of her forgiveness and love.

 

he never intended on leaving his wife for you.

 

I urge you to seek counselling, just as I have sought counselling to determine why I was so immature and selfish, and why I allowed myself to get into an affair with a woman I would not get involved with in normal circumstances. You were simply a poor replacement for my wife and our relationship was not real. I have learned that affairs are built on lies and deceit and that is the reason they fail. Our affair never truly felt right to me and I was often plagued with guilt, which I expressed to you many times in the months leading up to my confession to my wife. You knew very well I wanted out and that I was scared of losing my wife. Looking back, I was confused and much of what I said to you makes no sense to me now so I don't expect you to understand why I said the things I did when I barely understand what I was thinking myself. Prior to meeting you, I was too angry and full of ego to take a good long look at myself and I blamed my wife for all our issues. You had no right to play God and threaten me like you did and you should have had the maturity to let me go, but I also take responsibility for getting involved with you in the first place. The truth is, I love my wife very much and I always have, but I acted like a selfish jerk and now my family has to deal with the fallout of my mistakes. We all made mistakes in this situation, but ours were the worst as we hurt innocent people, and that is truly what is not fair.

 

wow! he really loved you, huh?

 

this guy is a total narcissist; a user; a manipulator-- his looks feed his ego. a total D*OUCHEBAG!

 

sorry, but you got played like a fiddle, darlin'.

 

he threw you under the bus at every opportunity.

 

you didn't even meet his standards according to him. he was only with you because he was disconnected from his "beautiful" wife.

 

even called you a psycho(not in those words), but suggested therapy.

 

 

Do no call me, text me or email me again, or contact my wife. DO NOT respond to this e-mail. This will be our last correspondence. I hope you and your husband can work out your problems for the sake of your children.

 

nice parting shot.....let your husband and family deal with you now.

 

 

don't say, i(we) didn't tell you so.

Edited April 24, 2012 by Artie Lang