cblguy Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Looking for an outside perspective on my situation... I have a friend and I have known her for about 18 months. We became friends because our children are friends. I assumed we both “friend zoned” each other. The issue is now that I am not sure where she stands in the “friendship”. As a guy I am bad at reading signs (whack of parking tickets to prove it). There are a few things that have changed, when she sits down on a park bench or sofa she sits in the middle so I have to sit beside her. She stands in my personal “bubble”, other female friends commented on how she acts around me ...Etcetera The issue is that she has had a boyfriend for almost a year, but has never mentioned him. I only know he exists because her children mentioned his child. I have probed to see if she will mention him, but alas she never does. She wants to come along with me and my child on a vacation, but I can’t think that her boyfriend would be ok with that. Actually a former girlfriend of mine got all weird when I mentioned it (Yes I know why). Do you think I should ask her directly if she has a boyfriend? That might get awkward since she would then have to tell me she has been dating a while. Should I bring it up casually in a conversation? (I.E. “if you ever need me to babysit for you two so you can have a nice night out let me know) I am planning the vacation now, that’s why I am looking for suggestion on how to handle it. Neither I nor my child would mind the company on the vacation, But if she is not upfront with her relationship status to me and we talk to each other multiple times a week. I am afraid this will cause problems for her and her boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Don't be passive about this. Be upfront and honest - Just tell her that you feel it's inappropriate to go on holidays together since she has a boyfriend, that it just doesn't feel okay to do. She knows you know about her boyfriend? If not, then tell her that you heard it from her kids.. Anyway, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't open that door since she has someone in her life. It also gives the kids the wrong idea.. (even MORE SO since she is with someone else.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I am sorry, but why on earth would you have to ask her when her children have said she does? Thats all the confirmation you need. You are reading the signs just fine here. She is in your personal space, she has a boyfriend but doesn't mention him...... Not rocket science. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 you have known her for 18 months, but not sure if she has a b/f? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I am sorry, but why on earth would you have to ask her when her children have said she does? Thats all the confirmation you need. You are reading the signs just fine here. She is in your personal space, she has a boyfriend but doesn't mention him...... Not rocket science. I agree. But if you want to hear it from her, you can casually mention it or simply ask her. If you don't feel comfortable doing so and you have been her "friend" for 18 months...you guys aren't great friends and maybe shouldn't be going on vacations together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 I agree. But if you want to hear it from her, you can casually mention it or simply ask her. If you don't feel comfortable doing so and you have been her "friend" for 18 months...you guys aren't great friends and maybe shouldn't be going on vacations together. GREAT POINT! Being friends for almost 2 years, and not knowing (which you already know) a very important part of her life, doesn't equal a great friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Don't be shy, be assertive and come right out and ask her. There's no harm in saying that the kids mentioned she had a bf and you were wondering how he would feel about it. Ignoring the omission of essential information is what affairs and infidelity thrive on. When a person omits important information such as, I'm married or I have a bf/gf, they are also taking away your right to choose if you want to participate or not. They are doing the same to their SO as well. What do YOU want out of this? Do you want to be involved with someone who is possibly deceiving another? If you don't want to be then man up and ask for the informtion you need in order to make an informed choice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 Don't be shy, be assertive and come right out and ask her. There's no harm in saying that the kids mentioned she had a bf and you were wondering how he would feel about it. Ignoring the omission of essential information is what affairs and infidelity thrive on. When a person omits important information such as, I'm married or I have a bf/gf, they are also taking away your right to choose if you want to participate or not. They are doing the same to their SO as well. What do YOU want out of this? Do you want to be involved with someone who is possibly deceiving another? If you don't want to be then man up and ask for the informtion you need in order to make an informed choice. great post, spice! Also, we could add that when we turn our head to these omissions, and know what the truth is... we essentially start lying to ourselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 You have to ask her straight up, you have to make her feel awkward about it. You be very specific. "Do you have a boyfriend?" If she says anything but yes or no, then you know she has an agenda. "Are you seeing someone?". It sounds to me like she is either trying to flirt to get attention from you, or she is trying to upgrade to date you without letting go of her bf first. But if you ask her straight up, her answer will be telling. if she doesnt want to answer, she will hem and haw about it, and you can then grill her. Bottom line, if she does and doesnt want to admit it, you dont want to date this woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cblguy Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 Thank people for the replies! An honest perspective is always hard to find from your circle of friends... My intention was not to debate the quality of my friendship with her. I have great friends that I have not introduced to eachother, that does not mean they are any less of a friend. I should add she mentions him as a "friend" without using gender definitive statements. Spice4life your right. It is not fair to put the other person in that situation, because even though nothing would happen on the vacation. perception is everthing! I have no problem asking her directly. I was just not sure the correct way to go about it, I want to remain tactful and diplomatic. What do I want out of this? nothing but zero drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cblguy Posted April 23, 2012 Author Share Posted April 23, 2012 It sounds to me like she is either trying to flirt to get attention from you, or she is trying to upgrade to date you without letting go of her bf first. . This was my first thought 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever Learning Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 (edited) I like the direct approach for sure. I don't like beating around the bush. Eddie Edirol's answer was great, along with Spice4Life. You will learn alot in how she responds to your question. If she is not very clear about her answer, that is a bad sign to me. It would mean she is dishonest, not forthcoming with the truth. Good luck with this situation! Edited April 23, 2012 by Forever Learning Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted April 23, 2012 Share Posted April 23, 2012 You like this woman. If you like her say so. If you do like her the last thing you should do is plan a vacation together. 18 months of friendship is not 18 months of a relationship. 18 months in my book is not even a friend. You need to work on a first date not a vacation. Also... if she's flirtatious with you and she's taken... You can't say you don't know her character. If you can't handle a flirtatious woman she's not the woman for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cblguy Posted April 24, 2012 Author Share Posted April 24, 2012 You like this woman. If you like her say so. If you do like her the last thing you should do is plan a vacation together. 18 months of friendship is not 18 months of a relationship. 18 months in my book is not even a friend. You need to work on a first date not a vacation. Also... if she's flirtatious with you and she's taken... You can't say you don't know her character. If you can't handle a flirtatious woman she's not the woman for you. Hi Emme Thanks for the response. I might be a bit ambiguous as to my intentions. I do like her, but as a big sister. It is odd to hear people hung up on the trip part. 18 months is enough time to call someone a friend, heck I have read on this forum of people that just met and went on a trip the following weekend and it was not innocent. after a month they fell in love, planned to divorce their SO and shat hit the fan... Does a vacation symbolize something other then that? Its not like we would be going to a hedonism resort.... Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 Hi Emme Thanks for the response. I might be a bit ambiguous as to my intentions. I do like her, but as a big sister. It is odd to hear people hung up on the trip part. 18 months is enough time to call someone a friend, heck I have read on this forum of people that just met and went on a trip the following weekend and it was not innocent. after a month they fell in love, planned to divorce their SO and shat hit the fan... Does a vacation symbolize something other then that? Its not like we would be going to a hedonism resort.... SMH *sigh* If she felt like you were brothers and sisters she would have brought her man around to ask your approval. You love her like a sister ask/pay for her man to accompany you on the trip. It's that simple. You can know someone for a decade and they will still shock the sh*t out of you, friend or not. 18 months = acquaintance... In my book. Speaking for myself.... If I am going on a vacation with a man I plan on f*cking him. I don't go on vacates to sing kumbaya around a pit fire. You say you don't mind the company... get your blood relatives to accompany you... I could care less that the kids are friends and that's why it's a good idea... as soon as the plane lands your child won't remember them. Trust. She's like a sister to you go buy her a bun cake. You don't do vacates unless its a couples thing or in your case someone with a crush. If you do your entire "bubble" is going to pop. She already has the needle... *Your subconscious is telling you something doesn't feel right... So...* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cblguy Posted April 24, 2012 Author Share Posted April 24, 2012 I apparently have been going on vacation with the wrong people. How could I be so blind it is clear that I should be bringing Emme SMH *sigh* Speaking for myself.... If I am going on a vacation with a man I plan on f*cking him. I don't go on vacates to sing kumbaya around a pit fire. Thanks again everyone, candid answers are the best way for me to look at a situation objectively. For the record I was not planning on paying for her trip. I can not say if she was expecting me to pay or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 I apparently have been going on vacation with the wrong people. You got that right! As a matter a fact start dating again if you stopped. You might be giving your affection towards her without knowing it. That's why she has a crush. Good luck. Enjoy your vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
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