''I love you but im not in love with you''

[Savaris]

Hello everyone, I really, really need some help. I'd really appreciate if someone could help me on this one..

 

My ex told me that she loves me but is not in love with me, she has been so confused about her feelings. She told me that im the perfect guy for her, thats she really wants to be with me, but cant force her heart, shes not even willing to try to work it out.. ive always pushed her and ive always been there for her, making her happy, and everything ive always been available for her, bought nice things that would make her smile, put effort into making things specially for her because her smile made me happy. She told me things are good the way they are, ive been doing the same thing to her so she has this ''why should I want a relation with you, its ok like this mindset.''

 

Weve been dating for 5 months, and she told me that there was something missing, to me it was always perfect with her so its weird, chemistry was always there I know it because ive seen it. She told me she does has this feelings with her ex

 

(met her 3 months after she broke up with her ex, dated 2 months with her, then something happened, I saw her 4 months later, she did not go t her ex but to me, we were together for 3 months after that she went back to her ex, for like 1,5 month but still saw me 5-6 times during that time, she told me we are drawn to eachother)

 

So after they broke up i tried again, we did kiss and such but i could see her confusion, she suddenly ignored me for 2 weeks right when it was going good.

 

After that we were just talking to eachother again but i told her that I did not want to stay friends, that we could first try to and then perhaps get that special feeling again but she said no. So I told her that I dont want her to talk to me again but she told me that she cant live without me.

 

So im in that kind of situation.. where im really in love and shes in love but not in that way..

 

I think its because of my behaviour towards her, Ive never talked sexually and never had sex with her because I didnt want to rush it.. I used to flirt but I did not after a while.. and when I was so available for her did all those nice things she started to see me as a friend, not a lover. Her ex is the total opposite of me.

 

So what should I exactly do now, because I know where the problem lies, and I know i can get her back, should I never initiate contact and let her? and be not available for her all the time use push/pull on her if she talks sweet to me should I just answer normally or also respond sweet? Should I keep showing i dont care about what happens to the relationship? act aloof at times, so i can be unpredictable. should I keep flirting at times and be playful to create that tension?

What should I do, because I really want her back, i really do. Ive tried so hard to not look desperate, clingy and all that, ive shown her that i can be rough on her aswell, and she noticed that immediately. im trying to flirt a bit now, trying to add sexual stuff into the conversation now and then, trying to create tension between her and me but am I doing the right thing? Please I need answer to these questions hope someone can give them! I'd be extremely grateful because this has been bothering me for soooo long now.. I tried to move on, but I cant, it feels like she belongs to me and she also tried to move on but she also cant, and I dont want to give up when I can do something about it.. i know where the problem lies now i just need some advice and help. Thanks!

Edited April 23, 2012 by Savaris

[Savaris]

o yeah, were currently pretty connected again..shes calling me the sweetest again and calling me by my nickname,

[Melbufama]

Hello everyone, I really, really need some help. I'd really appreciate if someone could help me on this one..

 

My ex told me that she loves me but is not in love with me, she has been so confused about her feelings. She told me that im the perfect guy for her, thats she really wants to be with me, but cant force her heart, shes not even willing to try to work it out.. ive always pushed her and ive always been there for her, making her happy, and everything ive always been available for her, bought nice things that would make her smile, put effort into making things specially for her because her smile made me happy. She told me things are good the way they are, ive been doing the same thing to her so she has this ''why should I want a relation with you, its ok like this mindset.''

 

Weve been dating for 5 months, and she told me that there was something missing, to me it was always perfect with her so its weird, chemistry was always there I know it because ive seen it. She told me she does has this feelings with her ex

 

(met her 3 months after she broke up with her ex, dated 2 months with her, then something happened, I saw her 4 months later, she did not go t her ex but to me, we were together for 3 months after that she went back to her ex, for like 1,5 month but still saw me 5-6 times during that time, she told me we are drawn to eachother)

 

So after they broke up i tried again, we did kiss and such but i could see her confusion, she suddenly ignored me for 2 weeks right when it was going good.

 

After that we were just talking to eachother again but i told her that I did not want to stay friends, that we could first try to and then perhaps get that special feeling again but she said no. So I told her that I dont want her to talk to me again but she told me that she cant live without me.

 

So im in that kind of situation.. where im really in love and shes in love but not in that way..

 

I think its because of my behaviour towards her, Ive never talked sexually and never had sex with her because I didnt want to rush it.. I used to flirt but I did not after a while.. and when I was so available for her did all those nice things she started to see me as a friend, not a lover. Her ex is the total opposite of me.

 

So what should I exactly do now, because I know where the problem lies, and I know i can get her back, should I never initiate contact and let her? and be not available for her all the time use push/pull on her if she talks sweet to me should I just answer normally or also respond sweet? Should I keep showing i dont care about what happens to the relationship? act aloof at times, so i can be unpredictable. should I keep flirting at times and be playful to create that tension?

What should I do, because I really want her back, i really do. Ive tried so hard to not look desperate, clingy and all that, ive shown her that i can be rough on her aswell, and she noticed that immediately. im trying to flirt a bit now, trying to add sexual stuff into the conversation now and then, trying to create tension between her and me but am I doing the right thing? Please I need answer to these questions hope someone can give them! I'd be extremely grateful because this has been bothering me for soooo long now.. I tried to move on, but I cant, it feels like she belongs to me and she also tried to move on but she also cant, and I dont want to give up when I can do something about it.. i know where the problem lies now i just need some advice and help. Thanks!

 

Smack her ass, and when u cuddle, try and take her shirt off, after that, take her pants off and GETRDONE. It has worked for me, just do it dont EVEN THINK " maybe im making her uncomfortable", just do it. Trust me dude and oh have condoms on you, you wanna be prepared.

Edited May 2, 2012 by Melbufama

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

I think its because of my behaviour towards her, Ive never talked sexually and never had sex with her because I didnt want to rush it.. I used to flirt but I did not after a while.. and when I was so available for her did all those nice things she started to see me as a friend, not a lover. Her ex is the total opposite of me.

 

 

 

 

BINGO! We have a Winner!!! You guessed it right so now you win the grand prize!

 

Yeah, anytime someone used the "..Love but 'In love'" line or says, "something is missing" What is missing is sexual chemistry and attraction.

 

You called it right, she is not sexually attracted to you and sees you as her little cuddle-puppy that comforts her and validates her and buys her cutesy little gifts and is always there for her to cry on her shoulders when people treat her bad and then you cheer her up by giving her attention and comfort and telling her how good of a person she is.

 

You are her safe little gay buddy, not some guy that makes her heart skip a beat or gets her breathless.

 

Her ex is the opposite of you in that he throws her legs over his shoulders and pounds her untill her eyes are rolled up in her head and cums so hard she can catch her breath or walk a straight line for two days.

 

So how do you fix this and get out of the friendzone? First off knock off all that puppy dog crap and stop comforting her and validating her. Break off all communication with her and go away for awhile and don't have any contact with her for awhile/

 

How long is "Awhile?" stay away from her untill you have picked up at least a dozen women in bars and banged the crap out of them and learned how to be the stud-dawg instead of the puppy dog. Once you've learned how to attract a woman and satisfy her sexually then you are ready to try again with her.

 

But you have to stay away untill you are at that point and ready to do that. If you stay to come on to her now you will freak her out and turn her stomach that her little cuddle-bunny is trying to hump her.

 

Once you have been out of sight out of mind for a couple months and show up with a new swagger, a new more sexually appealing hairstyle and wardrobe and hopefully some visable muscle tone and you look her in the eye and flirt with her and make sexual innuedos and discuss sexually charged topics with her, she will start to see you as an adult, sexually mature male instead of a cuddly, innocent little boy.

 

I'm not saying to treat her disrespectfully, or like a ho or act like a douchebag. I am saying to become a sexually mature and confident adult male and return and treat her like an adult, sexually mature female. Treat her and every woman as a "WHOLE" human and part of being a whole human is to recognize their sexuality as well as your own.

 

You haven't been doing that. You have been treating her like some kind of princess and you have been acting like some kind of servant and that is the fastest and surest way to completely destroy any sexual feelings that a woman may have for you. (even though they and everyone else will tell you that you should treat them like princesses)

 

So here's the plan-

 

- stop seeing and talking to her. Don't dump her and dont announce that you are breaking off contact with her, just do it. If she calls you and wants to come cry on your shoulder (which she will) just be busy with other things.

 

- Those other things you are going to be 'busy' with are getting a new more sexually adventurous style of hair, clothing, accessories, jewelry etc.

 

-And hitting the gym getting buffed up.

 

- and learning how to approach, engage and attract women and ultimately seducing and having sex with them.

 

- Once you have had honest and credible sexual encounters with at least a dozen other women and you sincerely look and act differently and you have enough confidence in yourself that you no longer feel the need to be a cuddle-puppy with women to get them to like you, then you are ready to look her up and approach, engage and attract her.

 

And if by chance by the time you've reached that point she has moved out of the country or is married with 3 kids, it won't matter and you won't even care because by that time you will have enough skills, experience and confidence with women that you will be able to find another one without any trouble.

[Professor X]

Old shirt is kinda right. You are her big taddy bear, that toy she used to have when she was a child to cry on when she is sad.

 

She isn't attracted to you and the only reason she's crying is to emotionally blackmail you not to leave her. Unless you spice things up, i.e. get sexual with her, things won't change and thus you will be wasting her time until a real man will find her and swoop her off her feet and you will be left with nothing but wasted years.

 

Also, IMO, she's still in love with her ex', so it's a battle you've already lost.

[marsha80]

why not start with heart, and just get to the point? what's your bottom line, and what's her bottom line? It's true what they say; honesty is such a rarity these days.

[Savaris]

You know its so weird, she was so attracted to me in the beginning.. I turned her on and all, but then her friends were like oh he just wants sex with u, thats all, so i was like no its more than that thus i began to keep her on the pedastral, subconsiously, i acted more as a friend than a lover.. Im such an idiot.. She even said" i dont ****ing understand, i think your sexy, ur handsome, you make me laugh and your sweet to me, but something sexual is missing" so yeah took a while to figure it out.. Also shes in love with her ex yes, i was her better option though.. She and I have a lot of chemistry and she also is aware of that.. Anyways thanks guys good advice but i already figured it out took me awhile but reading this only acknowlegdes what i found out.. So im currently going no contact.. Dissapearing and not answering to her.. She is becoming 20 in 1 month, i wondr if i such congratulate her then though.. Im not sure but anyways i am working out im becoming a totally different person we'll see how she responds to me ignoring her im really dumb.. I shouldd have been myself when i was her pff, loves rlly makes u blind

[gearsofwar]

I pretty much agree with the above, if no contact proves difficult you could try limited contact, so you could still congratulate her etc, but keep it friendly, interesting but brief (be sure you end the convo first), make her think about you and wonder what your up to.

 

Then eventually, when you agree to meet up again you need to take charge of the situation, you seem to have the right idea if you can get as far as making out etc, just test the water as you 'advance' gradually, should feel natural to you both.

 

If you do happen to hit a 'No' or 'stop', just play it cool and respect that, but do not apologise (just remember why should you be sorry for been attracted to someone you like). But i feel everything should go fine because I get the impression she actually wants you to. Hope it helps and best of luck.

[pink_sugar]

off topic, but at my work someone created custom fortune cookies with the message "I love you but I'm not in love with you". Terrible way to break up with someone and one of the worst lines ever.

[lynbetz]

First, i would try and not be so nice to her. I don't mean be abusive or anything like that, but have a bit of a bad boy attitude (Not too much of an attitude). Maybe ask a friend who is a girl to try and make her a little jealous. Lots of girls want what they can't have or what someone else wants. Be passive...

[RickFox]

Move on and let her go. She's keeping you as her safety net, giving you little bread crumbs just in case she finds someone else but it doesn't work out.

 

Stop being her lap dog and let her go.

 

Tell her there is no more you and her, tell her you're letting her go and then walk away.

 

Go find someone worth the pedestal.

[Savaris]

Im currently in no contact.. she tried to contact me but I didnt reply.. I was like ok so you made your choice..before the no contact(which was like 1-2 weeks ago) then she contacted me with my choice? to which i didnt reply on, she initiated contact later that evening and we laughed a bit together and like 1.5 day later she asked me again what did you mean with i made my choice? to which I didnt reply on..then later on some hey's i didnt reply on..she still has me on everything.. on her whatsapp,facebook and stuff I have a feeling that I just have to continue the NC, even though its hard and perhaps in the future do what gearsofwar and oldshirt said. I think that's my best bet now.. cuz if I talk to her ill just comfort her and she'll keep seeing me as a normal buddy. I think i'll congratulate her on her bday in a month, and end the convo fast I think it'll go off from that point..

 

and oldshirt, im already doing exactly what you described but deep down i feel like, if I ignore her too much she'll hate me for it or something:S cuz I never ignored her before and it's a bit of a touchy subject for her and me cuz she did ignore me once and she regretted it a lot that part im not sure.. cuz it feels really counter intuitive.. but according to a lot of people blatantly ignoring her will only make my value go up in her eyes and get her interested in me and perhaps even miss me which could get me out of the friendzone also there are many ways to ignore a person, what im doing now is just pretending like she doesnt exist.. is that the right thing to do?

Edited May 18, 2012 by Savaris

[oldshirt]

 

and oldshirt, im already doing exactly what you described but deep down i feel like, if I ignore her too much she'll hate me for it or something:S cuz I never ignored her before and it's a bit of a touchy subject for her and me cuz she did ignore me once and she regretted it a lot that part im not sure.. cuz it feels really counter intuitive.. but according to a lot of people blatantly ignoring her will only make my value go up in her eyes and get her interested in me and perhaps even miss me which could get me out of the friendzone also there are many ways to ignore a person, what im doing now is just pretending like she doesnt exist.. is that the right thing to do?

 

I don't think you should ignore her or not reply to any of her messages at all, I never advocated being rude. if she initiates contact with you, you can talk to her but just don't coddle her, appease her or be her shoulder to cry on.

 

Just be "busy" and cut the conversation short and say you are in the middle of something and you can't talk now. you don't have to be rude or be a dick.

 

The goal here is not to be a dick or to hurt her feelings but rather to not put her on a pedestal and to be busy with other priorities. The purpose of you not pursuing her and not being available to her at this point is so that you can grow as a man and improve your appearance, social status and attraction/seduction skills untill you have the look, skills, status and attitude to be able to attract her sexually.

[Savaris]

Very clear answer thanks!

[danid77]

Honestly, comimg from a girls perspective, I think you should be honest with her. Tell her that you are in love with her and its not fair that she keeps tinkering with your feelings. I think you should be blunt,as in saying your not gonna stick around and let her play with your heart. Tell her you either want all of her,or none of her. Maybe she just needs a wake up call. Well and she obviously does not know want she wants. Nor does she realize what a great guy you are. In my opinion you deserve better considering that you said she would go back and forth between you and the other guy. You shouldnt have to have sex with her for her to be on love wih you. A guy that doesnt force a girl to do anything is truly worth waiting for. If she is too ignorant to see that, then I can tell you there is other girls out there. Well best of luck!... (: