not-a-drive-by Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 You are right, things only work out if both people are willing to work on the issues. In my case, I doubt about second chance because he was not willing to work on it, or risking himself to be hurt again to try another time. That is probably my case too, unfortunately . I miss him. OP, I am glad it has worked out for you. I am quite jealous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 It's a lovely story and a lovely thread indeed. My ex's rebound seems to be still going, though I know little about it right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 I havent been on here much lately for various different reasons but I have some down time this week and Ive been doing alot of reflection.. Wow what an emotional rollorcoster this past 18months has been!! September 6th marked a year since our breakup, it was a strange day full of memories, good and bad, I remembered the all the pain and heart break I felt, I remembered just how much of a mess I was at the time and indeed for several months after that and boy was I messed up!!! Well that night while I was curled up on the sofa with my man enjoying several glasses of wine after a very long if not draining day I decided to let it all go... All those bad memories, the fear of him walking away again. I came to the conclusion that while I could not predict what our future will be, living in fear of it happening was infact not actually living at all. At that point we had been back together for 4 and a half months, and while it wasnt all hearts and flowers it was infact what Id been hoping and praying for the whole time we were apart, so I was going to give it my best shot and take the good times with the difficult ones. It was almost as if we picked up where we had left off, as if no time at all had passed since we were last together, there was no weirdness or awkwardness between us what so ever. The difference this time was that we both knew this was our last shot at this, so it felt like we were both all in, no games, no power trips just 100% openness and honesty with eachother. I really struggled at the start, while I was so happy to have him back I was also terrafied of him leaving again, I found it hard not to be bitter and throw it back at him when we had an argument, I loved this guy so much but he had hurt me and I no longer trusted him. I really fought hard with myself to over come my own fears and inner demons. Even at those times when things were really good between us or even if we were just joking and playing around, in the back of my head was this little voice telling me to be careful, to remember what happened last time!! That night with him on the sofa I realised I had to let go of all these ghosts, I no longer wanted them hanging over me and haunting whatever time we did have together. It felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders instantly. Well we're now coming up to 6 months, and while it hasnt been easy it has most deffenitly been worth it. Who knows what tomorrow holds but right now Im just taking everyday as it comes, we're enjoying the good times and riding out the tougher ones Im not saying our breakup and all the pain that went with it was worth it or that Id willingly go through it all again, but it has most deffenitly benefited our relationship, it opened both of our eyes to just how good we are together, we are stronger now than we ever were, we're both committed to makeing this last and instead of botteling up our fears or worries we now talk about them before they become an issue. Ive stored the passed away and put a lock on that box, right now Im living and enjoying the here and now and whatever tomorrow brings Il deal with that when the times comes! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 You've worked so hard at this and you're doing so brilliantly. I'm so pleased to hear that all is going well still and to read your wonderful update 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 in spite of wanting to be with you, has he verbally expressed to you that he doesn't want the relationship? It sounds like he hasn't quite decided to really move on from you to be honest and I agree he's still trying to work things out. Sounds like he wants to have his own life back a bit again but keep you a bit co-dependent. Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 yes it all makes sense and I know you are scared to talk and ask him but you're going to have to. You're kind of together on many 'levels' really, except physical and communicative. Ultimately he seems weak and I think he knows it and you're going to have to ask the hard questions and no, I don't think you've played the moved on card too hard, he's there all the time! So if you had, you'd tell him once a week, tops. I think you're going to get the courage up to ask him what he's really thinking about the relationship. If he's not ready or says he doesn't know then you should tell him you don't want him there or contacting you all the time as you also need to have a chance to heal from it all. That way you'll still have some contact, but like this, it's just too much. It's really a lot. You'll see my story on this thread, and I don't see mine anywhere near that much at all. It's not really 'normal' I would say. If there is such a thing in our situations. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Good luck Confused Kitty. I'm quite a hardened cynic when it comes to second chances because my experience was the complete opposite of yours. And if there is more people don't they want to prove the rest of us wrong? I'll never get a second chance like you, but I'm just happy I'm not with a cruel ex using me and wasting my time. Win win. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I think you were lucky when you contacted you didn't get ignored, friend zoned, used as a FWB or plain treated like garbage Like what happens majority of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Sugarkane I will say that my situation was quite unique in the fact that I know and now understand the reasons why he walked away, while I dont want to go into too much personal details about him he was fighting his own demons, and it was this reason that he felt he didnt deserve me or couldnt offer me what he "thought" i deserved.. It wasnt a case of not loving me anymore (which I found very hard to comprehend at the time) or that our relationship had gone stale, in the whole time we had been apart he never as much as kissed another woman despite numerous attempts from his sister trying to set him up with her friends to "cheer him up". I Know I was one of the lucky ones, he never once propositioned me for FWB or anything of the sort, in fact it was quite the opposite even when we did meet up and hang out I was willing him to at least kiss me but he never made a single move apart from cuddeling me, he since told me he would rather be flat out rejected by me than to let anything happen and for me to later feel used or taken advantage of - Im now glad nothing happened that night because I know he wanted me back for all the right reasons and not just for the physical ones. Im not trying to rub peoples noses in it here, my sole purpose for writting about my second chance and keeping it updated is not to give people false hope, but instead to give some feed back that they do actually happen, however rare they may be. :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Stanza, Thank you so much for your lovely message :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Stanza Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 I was willing him to at least kiss me but he never made a single move apart from cuddeling me, he since told me he would rather be flat out rejected by me than to let anything happen and for me to later feel used or taken advantage of - Im now glad nothing happened that night because I know he wanted me back for all the right reasons and not just for the physical ones. Im not trying to rub peoples noses in it here, my sole purpose for writting about my second chance and keeping it updated is not to give people false hope, but instead to give some feed back that they do actually happen, however rare they may be. :-) That's so lovely, he's a good one and I can tell why you fought for this, and it's so wonderful that you took time to tell us as we do need those stories as you say. Each person has to make their own paths doing this and yours is a shining example. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted October 20, 2012 Author Share Posted October 20, 2012 As ever Stanza thank you, your kind words mean so much. I fought for him for so many reasons, not just the ones Ive outlined above, when his step dad died less than 2yrs ago he moved back home to help raise his two younger sisters, watching how good he was with those two little girls it hit me one day quite early on that I want this man to be the father of my children some day, and thats coming from someone who never really thought much about having children of my own! But its so much more than that, I thought I was in love in several relationships before him but none of them came anywhere close to the connection I felt with him, I never believed in soul mates or "the one" until I met him, he makes me feel alive, and hes the only person Ive ever felt 100% comfortable with, I know I can tell him my deepest sectrets and he will still be there afterwards, hes not just my lover but also my best friend.. Im sorry I just felt I had to get that out, in some ways this is almost like a diary to me (if not a very public one!) Stanza I do so hope you keep in touch :-) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 So he popped the question... Just before Christmas conversation turned to "next steps" and where we should go from here. I told him I was happy the way things were right now and didnt want to rush into things, that I didnt need a ring on my finger to make me happy or feel loved and secure. He smiled and kissed me and that was the end of that conversation, I thought no more of it. We didnt see much of each other over the Christmas period as we live an hour apart and were both busy with family etc. I missed him terribley but it was nice to catch up with family and just unwind and relax. We agreed we would spend New Years Eve together, and I couldnt wait to see him, i felt like a giddy school girl going on her first date with the guy she had a crush on forever. When I got to his place New Years Eve and went to put my over night bag into his bedroom I couldnt help noticing how clean and tidy it was, not tinking too much of it at the time i went to the bathroom to freshin up and it looked really bare. When I returned to the kitchen where he was making us drinks I couldnt help tease him about how his mom must have been lecturing him again, he just laughed it off and said he was starting the New Year as he meant to go on... I just burst out laughing and teased him some more as this is so unlike him We headid out to a party and with some of his friends and had a blast, during the night he pulled me outside to the smoking patio and I asked him for a light, I only smoke when Im out drinking so I never have a light! Anyway instead of a lighter he pulled out a ring box, a gorgeous black leather ring box with gold trim. My jaw hit the floor and I froze to the spot.. I hate making a scene and all I could think of was "well at least hes not on one knee, that would really be embarresing!" After what seemed like eternity he finally opened the box.....and there it was, all shining and silver - a Key!!! All I could do was burst out laughing while he stood there in front of me with a big stupid smile on his face holding this lovely ring box with a key inside it! He then asked would "I do him the honour of being his live-in girlfriend?" LOL Of course I said yes!! When we got home and were cuddeled up in bed he joked how that was his practice run and asked if I was shocked? Yes!! Not only was I shocked by the ring box and what I thought it was, but also by what it confirmed for me...that this was the guy I truely wanted to marry - one day! So theres my latest update guys, feel free to comment or ask questions Oh and Happy New Year everybody, hope its one filled of happiness for you all!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Cam116 Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Wow. What an amazing story! I can only hope that something like that would happen to me! So in your situation, you believe that reaching out to him helped your chances of reconciliation? I'm in sort of a weird situation myself with this whole "should I/should I not contact him". There are threads under my profile about the break-up and everything that has happened since. Long story short, we were together for 5 years, feelings faded for him and he doesn't know why, and wants to be on his own for a while. Still loves me, but is not in love with me, yadda yadda yadda. We both still care about one another immensely, and have handled this whole break-up with class and understanding. My problem is, we never had an agreement on contacting one another. I've been trying to go NC (advice given to me), but he has called me several times to chat. After these calls, I would go back to NC because I don't know if I should be contacting him. To be honest, I feel deep down that in our situation, NC is the wrong choice. We have been able to communicate with one another on several occasions as friends without any awkwardness. I've been feeling the strongest urge to call him to chat over the past few days, but everyone keeps saying to not do that. But deep down I feel like I should! He has always been open and honest, and has always talked to me when I had a question for him after the BU. Like I said, we've both been a class act because we both still care deeply for one another. On one hand, I'm hoping NC will get him to realize how much he still cares (he told me last week there are times that he misses me immensely and wants to call me, but feels like he shouldn't), but on the other hand I really feel like communication is key. We made an agreement last week that we would meet up for lunch on the last Saturday of the month, just to see how we interact with each other so we know how to go forward with being friends. But in your case, did you really feel that reaching out and contacting him was they key to your reunion? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused kitty Posted January 13, 2013 Author Share Posted January 13, 2013 In my case -yes! I too felt like NC was not the best move, dont get me wrong I do believe it to be very useful and Im sure it has worked for some people but for me it just didnt sit right.. And he told me out straight that if I hadnt of reached out and contacted him last Christmas then he never would have, he said he would have presumed I was over him and moving on with my life... My life has changed so much in this past year, this time last year I was heart broken, miserable and confused and now I honestly couldnt be happier, Ive just moved in with my guy and everything is perfect - and thats all down to that gut feeling telling me to contact him. Only you know what is best to do in your unique situation. What ever you decide to do I hope that is of some use to you :-) CK Link to post Share on other sites
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