FitChick Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 This article is rather interesting. Not the usual drivel. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 Talk less. H. talks more than I do and he nags me to sleep more, so I agree. Remember that you can always get divorced. We've both been married and divorced previously, so this isn't a secret to either one of us. Go to bed angry. Dumb idea. Spend more time apart. Agreed to some extent. Some things apart, some together works well for us. Sweat the small stuff. Totally agree. Don’t divide chores and responsibilities equally. Disagree with a passion. Firstly, the two of you have to decide what must be done and what doesn't matter. Then you divide up the chores and responsibilities equally, where each person drafts their chores like a playoff pool. But...I highly recommend getting domestic help if you can afford it. This takes a lot of stress and pressure off your marriage. Always be open to having sex. Not a problem in our household! Link to post Share on other sites
123321 Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 'Next time remember: The only reason to get married is to have fun.' This gives them a happy goal!" Easy to say if you are planning to be supported during the marriage and after by alimony I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Remember that you can always get divorced. this really, really shocks me. Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing, which taught that marriage is a sacrament, not to be entered into lightly; maybe it's because it allow people to believe there's an escape hatch no matter *what* problem they encounter, but this is terrible advice. Why bother getting married if divorce is an option? This makes the relationship about convenience, and nothing more! Don’t divide chores and responsibilities equally. very smart advice ~ I hate vacuuming because I'm not patient and I suck at it, but I'm perfectly content to scrub down my kitchen whenever needed. Husband on the other hand, hates mealtime cleanup, but doesn't mind vacuuming. End result, we don't have to do chores we hate, and everybody's happy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Go to bed angry. I totally agree with this one. My ex got some advice from his father to never go to bed angry. Being inflexible as he is, he NEVER wanted to go to bed angry. That meant fakely making up and being all loving, only to continue to be cold and fight the next morning. I never knew when the fight was really over. FFS just let things be natural Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Mixed bag and too much generalization IMO. My observation is that most people do well with compromise and moderation in all of those aspects. This isn't to say that it isn't interesting an and eye-opener - I personally identify with some of the advice there. But a lot of it depends on your own personality and that of your partner. The only bit I completely disagree with is 'The only reason to get married is to have fun.' This is a surefire way to lead to bandaid divorces IMO, because no relationship can ever be nothing but 'fun' for, oh, 50 years. There WILL be un-fun times to deal with, and people should learn to deal with those times before marriage is even on the table IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Bold = Article comment = what i have said countless times.... Talk less. Effective communication = 'speaker/listener technique' Remember that you can always get divorced. counselling isn't about keeping people together Go to bed angry. Effective communication. It's not necessarily about what you want to say, but in which way you put it across. Spend more time apart. You don't need to be joined at the hip. Kahil Gibran's poem on marriage. Sweat the small stuff. the big bricks don't make a house - the thin layer of mortar does. Don’t divide chores and responsibilities equally. Men and women are socially equal, but not equal in abilities. Always be open to having sex. I actually have never said this. but then, i can't say they're right - or I am. counsellors and so-called 'experts' are just as prone to separation and divorce as anyone else. even though you'd think it would be different. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Talk less. No - there was not enough talking (or listening) in my last relationship and that was the problem. Too many assumptions that were allowed to take root and fester. Remember that you can always get divorced. No - I'm of the view that divorce is way too easy these days. Go to bed angry. Maybe, but leaning towards a no - tried not to go to bed angry in previous relationship and spent early hours of the morning hashing and rehashing just to try to get to a resolution. Not sure if that helped or hindered the relationship. Jury's out on that one. Spend more time apart. No - in my previous relationship, spent too much time apart cultivating separate interests. What's the point of getting married or being in a relationship if you're actually happier to spend more time without him/her than with? Sweat the small stuff. Yes - (finally, something we can agree on) - I think there needs to be a balance though. Tara's analogy is very apt. Don’t divide chores and responsibilities equally. Yes and no - depends very much on the individual partners - likes/dislikes and abilities. Needs to be negotiated. Always be open to having sex. Yes, most definitely with the caveat that the situation doesn't become forced so that one partner becomes resentful. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Go to bed angry I've always questioned that advice to never go to bed angry. Once in a while (less than once a year), we get into a conflict that lasts more than a day. Like they mention in the article, it gets to be too much talking, rehashing points, and not enough understanding. I've grown to learn that I need time to process what I am feeling (why am I so upset about this? What is the underlying issue?). That can take a night, or even two. Then, when we come back to the issue with more clarity, communicated more effectively, we find fuller understanding, and the issue can truly be put to rest. Spend more time apart We don't do this one so much. We want to spend time together when we can, as jobs and parenting kids builds in enough time apart for us. So far, so good! Always be open to having sex Agreed. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Going to bed angry: if I wake up in the morning and I think, "meh... jeesh, just get over it..." it was no big deal. If I wake up in the morning and I'm still feeling murderous - then i know we need to clear the air. wWth my ex, i always used to go to bed angry. He always used to go to bed "I give a sh*yt" Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Talk less. Agree, but I think you just need to talk 'smarter' rather than more. Obviously communication needs to happen. Remember that you can always get divorced. Agree, to an extent, but I think it still needs to be thought of as a last resort. The idea that you have to be constantly working at and still continuing the relationship voluntarily is important, though. Go to bed angry. Sometimes, yes. As Tara says, if I wake up angry, I know I was really angry. This really depends on your personality and your partner's though. If you are not someone who can just let something go, it will not work. Even I often need a follow up talk, i.e. reflection, what did we learn, etc. Spend more time apart. "More" is the problem in that sentence. Really depends on how much time you spend apart --- I'd say don't neglect your own interest or be afraid to ask for some "me" time and readily give the same to your partner. But you have to cultivate shared interests and time together as well. Sweat the small stuff. Agree. Anything that does not get worked out will fester. Don’t divide chores and responsibilities equally. Agree. Too much focus on calculation kills a relationship. More focus on goals and teamwork to achieve what you want together is needed. Always be open to having sex. Yes, definitely. A few too many generalizations in the article, but overall good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 I wonder how many of the experts have sound relationships Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 That was my point exactly. all the above is old advice wrapped up in a new bow. and there are absolutely no special statistics that show counsellors, marriage advisers or relationship therapists have any better luck in their marriages than anybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 That was my point exactly. all the above is old advice wrapped up in a new bow. and there are absolutely no special statistics that show counsellors, marriage advisers or relationship therapists have any better luck in their marriages than anybody else. True. However, generally the advice is gleaned from (hopefully) investigating people who ARE successful, rather than just anecdotal experience of their own lives. There are many times when I know what is most likely to be successful but do something else anyway --- I think there is a distinction between knowing the good advice and being someone who can take it. You're right that this isn't new, however. Link to post Share on other sites
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