How long can you live without sex?

[missingsex]

We've been together 3 years. I love him.

 

We met at a time when I was not necessarily looking for a relationship, but he fell into my lap and he was cute and funny and I liked him very strongly right away.

He kissed me on our second date, sweetly. On our third date he got naked, sat down on his couch, and let me give him a blow job. I thought it was funny that he wasn't transitioning into the bedroom, but whatever. Boys are weird. He came after not too long, while he was still soft. In fact, he never got hard. I guess I thought it was weird, but didn't make too much of it. I didn't want to make it awkward for him.

 

The next time, at my house, I made sure that we transitioned into bed, but once again I blew him, he came, but he never got an erection. It was after this that he confessed that he was a virgin.

 

A tall, handsome, successful lawyer 34 year old virgin.

 

I was totally astounded!

Sorry, but I don't know about you, but I might have had a bit of a stereotype in my head of what a 34 year old virgin might be like\look like, and it sure as heck wasn't this guy!

 

I couldn't believe it...except it really explained a lot about what had been happening when we got naked!

 

My heart was beating but I played it cool, and he has always been grateful to me for that.

 

He told me that it just hadn't happened for him - he wasn't trying to wait for marriage or love or whatever. He had some hang-ups about sex when he was young, didn't have the confidence to go all the way. As he got older, his lack of experience made him a little shy, and the longer it went, the worse he felt until he just stopped trying, figured it would never work out for him. Poor guy.

 

But here we were. He'd really worked up some courage, and he was going to go for it. And he successfully got a naked woman in bed who was willing to have sex with him!

 

Except he couldn't. Years of self-denial, sexual suppression, and lack of self-confidence had given him erectile difficulties. He couldn't get hard.

 

Very difficult to lose your virginity when you can't get hard.

 

It took about a month of constant "work" to get to the point where he could achieve a small erection and finally, he got it in and lost his virginity.

 

Great!

 

Except not really.

 

Because now he's this grown man who has no experience or know-how, and I'm really starting to feel sad about how one-sided our sex life has always been.

 

Yes, I married him knowing that we had these problems, and maybe I should just grin and bear it.

 

But before we married, I told him how incredibly important sex is to me. My previous marriage failed because my libido was too high and his too low, and he was unwilling to compromise and our relationship deteriorated. Obviously, being with a virgin, I was really hesitant to go down this road. When he told me, I spent a lot of time wondering whether I could even pursue this relationship at all. I was intimidated by the amount of work and sacrifice it would require on my part. Professionally, I'm a therapist, and personally, I'm just not a quitter. I had strong feelings for him and I guess part of me wanted to help him. I knew that it would be rare for him to find someone else who was as understanding.

 

So for months we worked on this every day. Very slowly, he started to get more hard during sex. Not every time, and not for the whole time, but partial erections returned, and that was a triumph.

 

He tried viagra for a while, but felt that those were false erections, so we went back to trying just naturally, and he did improve, to the point where he could have normal intercourse and come from it.

 

But 3 years later, he still struggles. There are days he cannot get erections. More often than not, he does get one but it vanishes inside me. I find him so sweet and so sexy that I want us to have crazy-awesome sex four times a day, and he says he wants that too, but fails to initiate (or to respond to my initiatives). Obviously, he has some major mental hurdles and sometimes just thinking that he may fail makes him not want to even try.

 

This is really starting to affect our happiness and marriage.

 

I have spent years putting my wants and desires on the back burner so that I can help him. I have been upfront with these needs and he has always assured me that this is what he was working towards. But he has never sought therapy. He doesn't read books, check out forums, or do anything to really help himself. I've had to teach him everything, and it's been kind of a turn-off to me to always be the leader\teacher, and never get to just lie back and be taken care of!

 

I want to make this work but fear we are just not sexually compatible. I want it so much, and he seems to be able to take it or leave it. He doesn't experience desire or "horniness" the way the rest of us might - he never gets hard thinking about or anticipating sex. He's never just ready to go - we have to go through a lot of foreplay in order for him to even get inside, and then he's probably going to lose it once he's there. So then I have to go back to the drawing board, get him all excited and hard again...and then once he's in, he loses it. It gets a bit depressing.

 

He wants to be able to get me off, and he does try. But as he was a virgin, he just doesn't have a lot of moves. I've tried to teach him, to tell him what I like, but it's been three years and I just feel like he should be better than this by now.

 

What on earth can we do?

I feel so lonely.

My body needs sex.

I feel like I am continually disappointed.

I feel like he doesn't love me\respect me enough to make the changes that are necessary.

I just feel sad most of the time. Even the good times don't feel that happy anymore because this is always hanging over us.

 

Help!

[Philosoraptor]

I'd consult a sexual therapist. It doesn't seem that there is a lack of affection here, but hangups from his past as you said. This is an emotional issue for him and something that I'd consult a professional about in order to repair this issue in your relationship.

[SandieBeach]

Wow...this is definitely a serious issue, IMO. Hmmm...I think the most important part is to figure out if this is a biological or psychological issue for him. Perhaps his virginity didn't get lost because "it hadn't happen to him" - it's possible his lack of initiative was due to something else.

 

Having said that, I agree with Philosoraptor that he should consult a sex therapist. I'd go far to suggest he goes to a physician (perhaps a specialist) to see if there is a hormonal issue (but don't use the word "hormonal" with a guy or the willy might even get sleepier. Sorry! ).

 

You say you are a therapist, so that must be really hard for both of you: 1) you are pretty much forced to "treat" him and teach him how to deal with the problem, and 2) his issue is that the woman he's attracted to sexually has to be the one to fix him. I think men need to feel manly, and having the object of their sexual desire be aware of such failings can be a definite turn off . In any event, if this is psychological, you should act in any way as his therapist. I think needs to take charge and deal with this issue on his own - you can't be his hot wife and his mommy.

 

I dated this guy years ago who hadn't had much sex before me, and one of the first things he said to me was that he probably couldn't control his climax, so I should expect he'd be pretty quick. Ummm...yeah, that relationship didn't last long, but mostly because he didn't want to do anything about it.

 

I don't think your husband doesn't love or respect you and that's why he's not doing anything about it (and that's why you need to remove your therapist hat because you will only take everything personally). It must be so embarrassing for him to even talk about it, but it really is imperative that he does.

 

Good luck!

Edited April 24, 2012 by SandieBeach
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[findingnemo]

Oh dear. I just don't know what to tell you. Reading your story re-confirms how I just dodged the bullet. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Since you are M, I suppose it's not a matter fo leaving him and moving on. Have you discussed what would happen if he never got "cured"? Does he expect you two to stay like this? For you to accept things as they are?

[TigerCub]

"I feel like he doesn't love me\respect me enough to make the changes that are necessary."

 

That line above is just cruel.

 

You knew exactly how he was before you married him. He is who he is.

 

He could use that same exact line on you "If you loved him or respected him you'd make the changes so that its not an issue anymore"

 

Look, I totally understand how important sex is in a relationship, I just think its unfair to put so much blame on him. He is who he is and its not like he hid this from you before marriage.

 

See a sex therapist like the others suggested.

 

Also, do you think its possible that he had some kind of sexual abuse as a child? I'm just asking because a friend of mine is a virgin in her 30s and its because of sexual abuse.

 

Good luck to you.

[missingsex]

Thanks everyone for your input.

 

He's starting sex therapy and he has been to see a doctor to get his levels checked (and to a urologist) - these are all my initiatives of course.

 

Yes it's embarrassing for him, so I appreciate that he keeps going back. It can't be easy.

 

If he never gets cured...good question. Neither of us are happy like this. I think he's okay with staying like this though because it's more than he had before. Me, not so much...divorce is an option, but not the one I like.

 

He wasn't abused as a child although he can point to a somewhat traumatic event where his parents angrily overreacted to childhood sexual exploration...that seems to have stuck with him and made him feel that sex was dirty and bad for a long time...he's definitely over that now, but it did colour his thinking for a long time.

[TigerCub]

Thanks everyone for your input.

 

He's starting sex therapy and he has been to see a doctor to get his levels checked (and to a urologist) - these are all my initiatives of course.

 

Yes it's embarrassing for him, so I appreciate that he keeps going back. It can't be easy.

 

If he never gets cured...good question. Neither of us are happy like this. I think he's okay with staying like this though because it's more than he had before. Me, not so much...divorce is an option, but not the one I like.

 

He wasn't abused as a child although he can point to a somewhat traumatic event where his parents angrily overreacted to childhood sexual exploration...that seems to have stuck with him and made him feel that sex was dirty and bad for a long time...he's definitely over that now, but it did colour his thinking for a long time.

 

Damn! Yeah stuff like that sticks with people.

 

Glad to hear that he's at least doing the tests and willing to put in the time with the therapist.

 

I hope things get better.

 

You say that he doesn't get hard, but is he still willing to pleasure you in other ways, or does he just shut down?

[missingsex]

He does get hard sometimes.

I think it might be easier for him if he just didn't at all.

But with lots of patience and practise, he's recovered some of the function.

Sometimes he gets amazingly rock hard.

It's just unpredictable...unpredictable in that we don't know when it will happen OR how long it will last.

And yes, he'll get me off in other ways...

Not sure how to put this. He definitely wants to make me happy in bed one way or another. I miss getting pounded, but he does give me good orgasms. Sometimes I feel though that this is way of deflecting...like it's not so much about me, but about his feeling inadequate. Which he's not.

 

If this was as good as he was ever going to get, I could be happy with it. But he's not happy. He's self conscious. It's still messing up his head, which messes up the sex.

[TigerCub]

He does get hard sometimes.

I think it might be easier for him if he just didn't at all.

But with lots of patience and practise, he's recovered some of the function.

Sometimes he gets amazingly rock hard.

It's just unpredictable...unpredictable in that we don't know when it will happen OR how long it will last.

And yes, he'll get me off in other ways...

Not sure how to put this. He definitely wants to make me happy in bed one way or another. I miss getting pounded, but he does give me good orgasms. Sometimes I feel though that this is way of deflecting...like it's not so much about me, but about his feeling inadequate. Which he's not.

 

If this was as good as he was ever going to get, I could be happy with it. But he's not happy. He's self conscious. It's still messing up his head, which messes up the sex.

 

Well he seems like such a giving lover. That's why I asked to see if he tries to pleasure you in other ways.

 

I can only imagine how frustrating this is for you, but also how inadequate he must feel because there is so much uncertainty on when he can perform and I totally understand how it gets in his head, causes more anxiety and fear and ends up a self fulfilling prophecy kinda thing.

 

When you guys are in the mood and then he can't perform, how do you react to that? Is it obvious that you're disappointed?

 

I only ask out of curiosity. Imagining if I were in your situation, I can totally hope to act like its ok, but I know me, and I'm pretty sure, if problems happened all the time, my disappointment would be difficult to hide (even if I wanted to).

[missingsex]

The performance thing is his -

I don't care what kind of sex we have as long as we take care of each other. It definitely haunts him though. I'd say it even prevents him from wanting it\ initiating it, because he'd rather not risk failure...? Obviously, not my place to even say that, just the impression I get from him. I want him to realize that a soft penis is not a failure, and not his fault, and we can get around it and have sex anyway. ..so yes, big time right on the self-fullfilling stuff.

 

And I feel like I'm not disappointed in bed. However, we're obviously talking about our needs and desires and frustrations OUTside of bed, and it can't help but leak in sometimes. That's sort of the problem with him...he can't shut off his mind and let his body take over. The rare time that he does that, he's the most impressive lover ever. But most of the time it's just impossible for him to shut it all out.

[Mme. Chaucer]

But before we married, I told him how incredibly important sex is to me. My previous marriage failed because my libido was too high and his too low, and he was unwilling to compromise and our relationship deteriorated.

 

I wonder why you didn't learn what you needed to learn from your first marriage. Why did you need to recreate a similar mess, only worse?

[TigerCub]

The performance thing is his -

I don't care what kind of sex we have as long as we take care of each other. It definitely haunts him though. I'd say it even prevents him from wanting it\ initiating it, because he'd rather not risk failure...? Obviously, not my place to even say that, just the impression I get from him. I want him to realize that a soft penis is not a failure, and not his fault, and we can get around it and have sex anyway. ..so yes, big time right on the self-fullfilling stuff.

 

And I feel like I'm not disappointed in bed. However, we're obviously talking about our needs and desires and frustrations OUTside of bed, and it can't help but leak in sometimes. That's sort of the problem with him...he can't shut off his mind and let his body take over. The rare time that he does that, he's the most impressive lover ever. But most of the time it's just impossible for him to shut it all out.

 

I can totally understand that. That's a really tough one.

 

I'm sorry I can't be of any help.

 

It seems to me like you just need to reprogram him not to fear those situations. I'm not sure how.

 

Maybe when you start foreplay and stuff, compliment him on what he's doing, maybe at times don't let it get to the intercourse part of the act, just enjoy the making out. (Normally guys would want to keep going or else "suffer"), but since he fears the failure, maybe little steps to show him that this whole experience is non threatening and that intercourse isn't the ultimate goal - maybe that will help reprogram him to not feel anxiety when in those situations.

 

I'm sure you've already tried everything, and that it would be frustrating for you to not have sex when you fool around with him, but maybe it is something that should be done in baby steps until he's no longer so consumed by performance anxiety.

 

just a thought...

[SandieBeach]

I wonder why you didn't learn what you needed to learn from your first marriage. Why did you need to recreate a similar mess, only worse?

 

I don't think she should really compare her two marriages. The current one has different kind of issues, even though the symptoms are similar (lack of sex). Besides, how can we assume that just because someone is a virgin, s/he won't learn to be a more effective lover?

 

Missingsex' current husband is having serious issues, but the biggest one would be if he doesn't want to do anything about it. Sounds like they are moving in the right direction, so hopefully things get better. It must be so tough for him though because he probably can't get out of his head, but if he wants to deal with this, I am sure he can be successful...In my opinion, he's afraid of failure...if he can deal with that, he'll get his penis working...

[shayla]

I'm so suprised that your husband thinks that Viagra supplies a "fake erection," from what I understand, it only allows for a better blood supply, nothing fake about that at all!

 

I hope that things work out for you both, you seem to love each other and want to have a satisfying sex life.

[musemaj11]

Obviously, being with a virgin, I was really hesitant to go down this road. When he told me, I spent a lot of time wondering whether I could even pursue this relationship at all. I was intimidated by the amount of work and sacrifice it would require on my part. Professionally, I'm a therapist, and personally, I'm just not a quitter. I had strong feelings for him and I guess part of me wanted to help him.

And the fact that he was a successful lawyer certainly helped a great deal also.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think she should really compare her two marriages. The current one has different kind of issues, even though the symptoms are similar (lack of sex). Besides, how can we assume that just because someone is a virgin, s/he won't learn to be a more effective lover?

 

 

I was not really intending that she should compare her marriages, but she said she learned in her first marriage that sex is INCREDIBLY important to her, and the marriage ended because of sex issues.

 

She chose a second marriage with a man who she knows cannot meet her sexual needs.

 

There has got to be a reason.

 

Anyway, I hope it works out, but I always feel bad about relationships embarked upon with the "wishing and hoping they'll change" state of mind.

[DuchessKaye]

To answer the title of this thread.

I can actually live without sex