Seperation moving towards Divorce... should I give up? or still keep trying?

[beck7ham]

My Wife and I have only been married for 1 year and we are now seperated. We've been seperated for 1 month now and we didn't even get to share our 1st anniversary together. We've been together for 4 years before though so it's not like we're really newlyweds, but technically we are!

 

She moved out and is staying with a girlfriend b/c she says that I wasn't showing her enough communication, emotional support, & appreciation. However, her faults were that she didn't tell me her feelings and another guy kissed her and she liked the attention that she was getting from him b/c she wasn't getting it from home. She's not seeing this guy, but she says she's happy that the kiss happened b/c it opened her eyes up to how bad things were in our relationship. Our intimacy hadn't been there in the recent months either. We both agreed on a trial seperation thing, but neither one of us could actually do it. We kept emailing and calling each other every day. Her parents are not giving her the support and she says it's my fault that they are siding w/ me. Her parents basically told her that they don't agree w/ the divorce and that they will not accept another son in the family b/c it took them so long to accept me.

 

We've talked off and on and have tried to do the seperation thing 2 times now, but we always continue to talk to each other. Recently I ignored her calls for 3 days and she got mad at me b/c she thought i hated her and didn't want anything to do w/ her! She's told me that she's starting to do research on divorce and is saving money to move to an apartment. She says she needs some space to do some identity searching and also experience a part of her life that she missed (independent phase). She's 23 and I'm 28. I've been there done that and I don't want to go back to do it again. While she says she needs to be alone to think about things, she stays w/ a friend is always constantly surrounded by her friends and i"m all alone in my big house w/ my dog. so who's actually alone? me? she goes to happy hours w/ her friends and also goes out to bars w/ her gfriends! i'm upset b/c i don't do that. Well, she says that the divorce is coming and to get ready for it. She says she loves me and that she misses me but she's not inlove w/ me? what the hell does that mean? any thoughts from anyone? should I just give up and let fate run its course? or what?

[msrealdoll]

Being married to her, you should know whether or not it's time to give up. Do you think it will do any good to pursue her? Or might it just push her farther away?

 

If you want her back, then I would say to give it your best shot trying. Don't let it go if you think you might find yourself regretting it or wondering if things might have been different had you tried harder.

[learnfrommymistake]

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through, but it sounds so much like what is happening to me I had to post.

 

After 11 years bout a month ago my wife handed me seperation papers. It was a bit of a shock from her, but not really a shock all together. I have (foolishly) been pushing her away for a long time - didnt really know why, always found work more important, trying to do better in my carrier, everything except her and my kids. In retrospect I was a fool.

 

So because I could not get her to reconsider, I moved out 2 weeks ago, staying at my parents place. I too had to miss an aniversary - the first saturday after I left was our 11th aniversary. I did see her as I was with the kids but all I could do was tell her I love her, I am sorry, and 11 years ago was the happiest day of my life. She just pushed me away. Since then we have talked almost non-stop - she calls me to tell me all the little things going on, but every time we talk about us she says she loves me, but not like she used to. She does not want to be with me anymore. I have been trying to "give her her space" but we have 2 children who I try to see as often as I can - they too were being left out by me so I am trying to fix at least the one thing I still have the ability to fix.

 

Last night after spending the weekend with my kids - she stayed at a friends so that I could spend the weekend in the house with the kids - she came home and before I could leave started talking about her weekend and how she had done some soul searching, and had decided that being apart was what had to be. She says she loves me, and always will, but just cant be with me anymore. That I have hurt her too much. That I should just move on, things wont change.

 

I have tried to convince her that I have changed and am trying to continue to change, but she says it is to late. The pain is almost unbearable, both for the loss of my wife, and for the hurt and damage I have caused her. She is one of the most loving, caring, open people I have ever known, and I have caused her to no longer feel for me, and now she will hardly event tell me her feelings other than she cannot be with me anymore.

 

I had hoped that some time away would let her clear her mind of the bad things, and maby reflect a bit on some of the good, but she too is surrounded by her new friends, goes out with them often, has a friend who is with her almost every night, so that she really dosnt have a chance to think about me or miss me. It hurts that she will not allow herself to remember that we once were very much in love, and once really enjoyed each others company. I belive that she belives what she is saying is true, but I can still see the pain and sorrow in her face, like somewhere deep inside she too is hurting for what we are loosing. I have tried to reach that part, but it is so buried behind the hurt and anger and peace of her "new life" without me I cannot reach it.

 

I have told her that I dont want her to call me anymore, because it hurts too much to not be able to tell her how I feel, and to know that she is now hiding things from me. I dont know how to deal with my need to see my children, I cannot talk to her without falling back into a hard depression and loss and guilt. All I can do is try to find some way to let go, even though that feels so terribly wrong.

 

Even after I left last night, after pretty much agreeing on no contact, she calls me with some minor detail with the kids and "to make sure I got home ok - you see, I really do still care about you". So I can feel everything you are going through, though I cant explain any of it.

 

If you figure out what the love you/miss you but dont want to be with you really means, please let us know. Maby it will help to know you are not the only one that feels lost and confused.

 

And from what I have heard here, your best bet is to try to minimize contact, or even better go "no contact" - there are times I wish I could do strict no-contact, both so I can try to stop hurting and take care of the rest of my life, and so that maby, just maby, she could get on with healing and remember some of the good that we had, and maby realize that she does miss me and need me. I know she needs me because she keeps saying she will always want to be my friend and she will always care about me, but she will not let herself accept that need. And since she keeps surrounding herself with her new friends she keeps busy enough to not think about us. That hurts almost as much as loosing her - knowing that she is not taking the time to take care of herself either. If I truely thought she would be happier without me I would try to find a way to move on, and let her be happy - her happiness is very important to me. But I still cant see that as true.

 

Good luck in your situation, I hope for you and her the ending is happy. Hang in there, either way it is a very long road. Try to work on yourself - physically and mentally, work out, join a gym, start walking in the morning (that is one of my ways of coping - when I wake up at 5:30am and cannot go back to sleep (every morning) I get up and walk. In my case I am also trying to spend more and better time with my kids, which dosnt sound like something you can do, but find those things that you can improve upon, and focus on them. If you do this no matter what the ending you will come out in better shape, both physically and mentally.

[prttygrljai]

Beck, as a woman I understand your wife. I too was in a relationship where I wasn't feeling love, appreciation, and after a while the intimacy was at a low. I fell out of love with him. It got to a point where our fights were very intense and physical. I will be 23 this year, married at 21, but I loved my husband. But have you ever heard of the song "When a Woman's Fed Up"? My husband and I separated on our anniversary so what's worse? I feel like I miss him because he was apart of my life but I'm completely scared that if I give him another chance he'll just mistreat me all over again and he would walk out on me. But the wife in me says that I need to give him another chance. The stubborn, independent woman in me is saying, move on, you're better off alone! I've had the most fun and accomplished more business and personal goals away from him than with him. He always had me stressed. I don't know you're religious stance but a wife is supposed to stick by and pray for her bull of a man. If you love her you'll pray to become a better man. A loving and caring man but a man who's not going to take no for an answer. Send her flowers do the things that she's begged you to do. But not because you want her back. Do it because she deserves it. Do it to be a better man. Do it for the next love of your life, there isn't just one for everyone! Love isn't something that if you have it once it'll stay, it fades and you have to continually work on it. If she calls, she loves you, she just may not like you very much for hurting her. The world is an ugly place. Every woman wants someone to call her own, to nurture and take care of. Don't give up but don't make it your priority, keep yourself first. It'll work out!

[golfalot]

I feel what you are going through. I am going through the same thing right now. We dated for 8+ years and have been married for less than a year (July 3). She needs to "find herself" also. I have read the book Stop Your Divorce by Homer McDonald. It Rocks! I encourage you to download it. It has alot of advice to turn things in your favor and give you a better view of things.

[digger]

CAN ANYONE SYNOPSIZE THIS DARNED BOOK (MAYBE TO SAVE US $70) HE HE