7 Weeks Past Dday

[SomedayDig]

Emotions are a roller coaster as a BH. Make no bones about it. 7 weeks ago tonight is when I discovered my WW was having an affair. I've learned quite a bit about myself over the past weeks. I've also learned quite a bit about her as well. Good and bad. One thing I've truly learned about myself is how incredibly strong I am. That I have stared into the dark and evil eyes of an affair and even though I've been hurt, I have stood firm. I don't take any bullsh_t at all any more. We have decided to work on our marriage. I don't expect most people to understand or even agree with that decision given the amount of time the affair lasted. However, that's where I can honestly look myself in the mirror every single day and see the strength that I knew was there all along. I am in the middle of a career change in the midst of all of this. It's good. Because I am afforded the opportunity to be home. I have a luxury that most BS's don't have and that is I don't have to put on a pretty or happy face to go to work. I can sit here in my jeans and sweatshirt. I can take time out if I need to and feel whatever it is I feel. I can also talk to my W any time I need because, even though she works, she is available to talk almost any time.

 

If someone had told me 8 weeks ago that I would be going through this, I would have laughed in their face and said F off. Today, I can tell you - yes...it CAN happen to you. And it's only you who can decide what is best for you. If you make the decision to leave, then that is what you must do. If you make the decision to stay, then so be it. Just make sure that whatever decision you make, that you never...EVER sacrifice your integrity and character to do so.

[jphcbpa]

good for you and the new things that will come as a result.

[findingnemo]

That's a nice post!!! I too think that the result of discovering an A shouldn't necessarily be a D. All of us have different reasons why we do what we do. We stay for all sorts of reasons that may or may not have anything to do with love.

 

I'm glad you discovered more about yourself and what you're capable of withstanding. I do hope though that you don't face the same dilemma a few years down the road. You can't be sure what will happen of course. But it's important to have no regrets.

[beenburned]

SD,

 

I'm proud of you!

 

If you need to read or talk to other people whose spouse's have had a LTA,

there is a special section on SI just for this.

 

Don't rush reconciliation, as there are many stages both a BS &FWS, have to go through to succeed successfully. Just staying married does not guaranty success.

 

There is a good reason the experts say it takes 2-5 years!

[Soul_Lost]

Hey SD,

 

Good to see you so strong so early. But word of advise, be prepared for a bumpy road. I was in your exact shoes almost 3 years ago to the day and I am just now starting to regain myself. You will have good days and you will have bad days. I am sure that right now the bad outweighs the good but if your WW is committed as you are then your road to travel will be a little easier.

 

I will tell you that for a long time I wasn't sure which way we were headed. There is a narrow margin for success and it will not be easy but you will reap the rewards. I am not aware of the details of your sitch but do know that there are no clear cut paths but you have to let your head lead your heart for a while. Don't make any major decisions for a while. Take it on an hour by hour and day by day basis.

 

I wish you luck and I am pulling for you.

[SomedayDig]

Thank you all for your support here. It has really helped me a tremendous amount. And BB, I just watched a 30 minute video on YouTube that said 2 years is a minimum. Funny you brought that up!!

While I know that I am truly in the infancy stages of this discovery, I can I live life without regret. My W has been very supportive in this and just yesterday began a journal through Google Docs to allow us BOTH the chance to write things down when we think of them so that when we make time to talk about it, they aren't forgotten. That was on her own that she did so. She also told me that she committed to writing out a timeline of the affair so that we can discuss things. To me, that is important because I have this really weird thing that I can recall events almost 40 years ago in extreme detail. It is both a blessing and a curse because I can remember some of the best days of my life all of the time...but I can recall the worst ones just as clear.

Soul Lost - I think if you click on my name you can find the Topics I have started. The one about "Mind Movies" is my background.

 

Oh...and BB, I just joined SI today, so I will look for that section.

 

One day at a time. I'll take it whether it's a good day or a bad day. I will heal. And because of that, I believe that WE will heal in time.

[Soul_Lost]

I have read that thread but my mind is scattered a bit this morning so I didn't make the connection. It's great to see that your wife is willing to help you heal in this process.

 

I have looked at many different forums and websites that deal with this and I will tell you that they all have the same basic information. I will tell you that around the 6 month mark you will hit your angry phase and it will last a few weeks to a few months. I think mine lasted about 2 months and then I was over it. My marriage is not perfect now but we have had more recovery in the last month than anytime previously. Something just switched for me and my healing is really taking affect.

 

I still have the mind movies but as recovery progresses those are fading. What I thought took place and what I know took place were vastly different. As time moves along, you will find that you don't dwell on it and life moves on but you have to set the pace. The recovery is for both of you.

[SomedayDig]

Thanks SL. Your post gives me insight that is much needed and I sincerely appreciate that.

[Owl]

Someday...it sounds like you're doing good, but as others have already said...you're in this MARATHON race...it's not a sprint to the finish.

 

It likely will take you at least another 22 months before you truly reach a point where you feel like you and your marriage have really recovered...if even that soon.

 

Take a look for my original thread here on LS, sometime back in 2004. I posted that around the same time frame you're in now.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Rock on You'll make it.

[SomedayDig]

I'll look for that Owl. Thank you for the heads up! And although I'm pretty fast, I've always been a distance runner

[SandieBeach]

Someday...it sounds like you're doing good, but as others have already said...you're in this MARATHON race...it's not a sprint to the finish.

 

It likely will take you at least another 22 months before you truly reach a point where you feel like you and your marriage have really recovered...if even that soon.

 

Take a look for my original thread here on LS, sometime back in 2004. I posted that around the same time frame you're in now.

 

 

That just sucks! It has been 10 weeks for me, and I am so emotionally exhausted. I think my husband is making it a little easier by providing a lot of information and unprecedented transparency (of course, if someone wants to hide something, there is absolutely a way, so we never know...), but I feel that at this point I am done with needing details about the affair. Of course, mind movies still happen on a regular basis, but so far, I have gotten somewhat good at pushing them away...kind of like swatting a fly but unable to completely kill it...

 

I don't know if this kind of reaction is normal in such early stages, but there is definitely still a trust issue.

 

Someday, sounds like things are progressing for you, and your wife is willing to do the hard work. That in itself is promising...Best of luck!

[beenburned]

SB,

 

I fell into a deep depression and almost lost my job. I went on anti-depressants for about a year until the worst had past by.

 

Don't be ashamed to temporarily need a crutch to lean on.

[SomedayDig]

SB...as long as your H is giving you what you need then be comforted. Look at how many stories are on this forum alone where the WS is such an a-hole and refuses to discuss what they did wrong or even truly accept the betrayal they created. I will have trust issues until I don't. Period. I'm not putting a time limit on it. I'd love to see them dissolve within a couple years - as long as my W is giving me what I need. As BB said, never be ashamed to use something like a medication (if you truly need it) to help you in this stage. As for me...my medications, I take two, are my online education and exercise. It works for me. I wish you the best of luck too, SB!!

[drifter777]

I'm not sure many posters will disagree with your decision as it is a predictable phase of the recovery process. On the surface, your situation seems to many of us like a total deal breaker, and we reacted that way in our original posts. The thing is that you've been pretty committed to trying to work this out from the start and have been looking to have your feelings validated as you moved forward. Now you've made your initial decision and I, for one, am happy that you've at least taken some time and reflection to get where you are now.

 

I'm not sure if the book "How Can I Forgive You" has been recommended, but you really should read it. It will explain "Cheap Forgiveness" and why a betrayed spouse is tempted to go this route and the long-term damage it can do to you and your marriage. I'm not saying that's where you are, but since we are talking months since d-day rather than years it is something you really should look at. The temptation to get things back to "normal" at any cost is powerful, and the extent that many BS's will go to in an attempt to ease the pain of betrayal knows no bounds.

 

Good luck and heed the warnings being offered by most of the posters.

[SomedayDig]

Thanks for the book title Drifter, I will go look for that right now. We ordered the book "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" today. She was very interested as she read about it on Amazon, and I truly believe her sincerity. Also, thank you for acknowledging the "normal" thing. We discussed that around Week 2 and said that we wouldn't allow that at this point. I think the weekly MC sessions help both of us in that as well. We both realize that "normal" is gone and we simply need to re-create our US. I promise to heed all warnings as well as the support. I've said from the beginning...my eyes are open. Like Neo in the Matrix - I took the Red Pill. Maybe initially it was thrust on me, but I'm glad I took it.

[Yort96]

Thank you for all your responses in helping me work though my situation. I wanted to let you know that I am very impressed by your strength and your willingness to help others through your personal exp. You are an inspiration to me to continue to push through and break into a deeper connection with my SO.

[SomedayDig]

Just thought I'd share this...on my W's way home, she told me to look at an app for Android called Latitude. I opened and saw her name listed. She told me to click on her name. When I did so, it showed her picture on the highway coming home in real time!!

That, my friends, was a nice love deposit. Now she's only -3,472,866 overdrawn (that one's for levity!)

[Artie Lang]

sounds like you got a plan, my man.

 

like i said before, this is your life-- live it as you see fit. we're pullin' for you.

 

stay strong.

[bosunmate]

Just thought I'd share this...on my W's way home, she told me to look at an app for Android called Latitude. I opened and saw her name listed. She told me to click on her name. When I did so, it showed her picture on the highway coming home in real time!!

That, my friends, was a nice love deposit. Now she's only -3,472,866 overdrawn (that one's for levity!)

 

 

Good to see that your starting to accept what happened and are trying to heal. Remember 7 weeks is very early and your emotions will be up and down for along time. But the fact the wife is on the same page as you helps alot. Take it one day at a time because rebuilding what has been torn down is a slow process. But the rebuilding can be fun...

[jnj express]

Hey SDig---do me a favor---go to the website doccool.com----read the forum------you have no idea, you wanna know what your wife was up to, and her thought processes---read-----then make your decisions, about how much your wife REALLY LOVES YOU!!!!!!!

[stillafool]

Just take it step by step, one day at a time. Wish you the best.

[SomedayDig]

JNJ...I've seen that site and it doesn't make a bit of difference to me. No one knew of her affair. She didn't flaunt it to anyone like they do in that forum. Does that mean that she's any better? Absolutely not! However, unlike anyone on this forum or anywhere else...I actually DO know how much my wife REALLY LOVES ME!!!!!!

 

See, it's a little bit different when one types on a keyboard versus talking to someone in person. I see her remorse and her tears and she has heard and felt MY pain. She's given me honest answers to the toughest questions I've asked. She's done alot to work on trust issues, ie giving me passwords to her accounts, hooking up GPS tracking on her phone so I can see where she is in real time any time I want, etc.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just thought I'd share this...on my W's way home, she told me to look at an app for Android called Latitude. I opened and saw her name listed. She told me to click on her name. When I did so, it showed her picture on the highway coming home in real time!!

That, my friends, was a nice love deposit. Now she's only -3,472,866 overdrawn (that one's for levity!)

That's AWESOME! Wow I'm jealous.

[jnj express]

I suggested you go to that sight for one reason---to know your wife's mindset, and her thinking process---for 5 LONG YEARS---she WAS that doccool cheater---for 5 LONG YEARS---to her you were basically nothing, a POS, who she had no trouble "dissing"

 

You will obviously do what you want, but I just wonder, how/why she all of a sudden "gets it"

 

You say you are keeping tight tabs on her, as you should---but then the question becomes how long do you wanna be her PAROLE OFFICER---was that what you signed on for when you took wedding vows---to become your wife's parole officer

 

I would then ask you this one last question-----why after being with another man for 5 years---does she all of a sudden want this mge to work----she couldn't really love you---those women at doccool, they don't love their H---if they did---they couldn't do those things to them, just as your wife did to you----every month cheap tawdry sex with another man---at least that's what you were told-----who really knows?????

 

Could it be that your wife is sticking around, cuz she is scared shi*less of being D., and acquiring the label of single, divorced, female with the label of cheater attached to her----she will now have to do EVERYTHING on her own, including whatever is necessary, to have enough money to live on---she will never find another YOU, out there---what she will find depending on age, and location---is not much in the way of mge., material------D., is not really an option she wants to face------unfortunately, this is a very strong major reason that the cheater stays---they don't love their betrayed spouse, they just don't want to face life as a divorcee------just some ramblings for you to think about!!!!!!