7 Weeks Past Dday

[SomedayDig]

I hear ya loud and clear jnj. Believe it or not, alot of what you brought up in the end was a big topic of discussion the other night (2 hours worth). Is she afraid of D? Absolutely. Would she ever find another ME out there? Nope. How/why does she all of a sudden "get it"? Her own words were because she was "tired of living the lies and truly realizes what she could have lost". She got caught in the A so does that mean she's any less remorseful? I don't think so. She showed me many texts where she tried to call it off. The guy persisted and she was f'ng weak and still "unhappy". I put that in quotations because she has admitted that in the beginning she truly was unhappy with our lack of communication/intimacy. However, as things progressed and I really tried working on our issues, she blocked me out and stayed "unhappy". My observation is this: it was like coke or any other drug. She got addicted to it. It was a fix. F'd up is really what it was. That said, I am able to sometimes put my ego aside and look at what happened. I am truly sad for what she did to us. But it wasn't about me. It was about her own selfishness and idiotic sh_t. I did NOT sign up to be her PO. But if that's what I need to do right now, so be it. It will pass like my mind movies have. I love HER. Because of that, I can also feel sorry for her and her decision to have an affair. Doesn't mean it hurts any f'ng less.

 

I can't explain it except to say that the feeling in this house is a 180 degree turn from what it was 8 weeks ago. I do feel her love. I do feel her remorse AND see it in her eyes when she sees me hurt. Its interesting what comfort a simple hand on the knee has at times.

[beenburned]

On another board I post on, I asked the MOW what they wanted in an affair partner. They wanted a fun escape from the daily pressures of life, a fantasy of having no responsibilities.

 

Then I asked would they marry their AP if they divorced, the majority said no because the AP was not marriage material.

 

So I think they knew all along they never wanted to leave their H's or marriage, they just thought they could have a little fun on the side and not get caught.

(same with a lot of MM)

 

Not all affairs are about love and soulmates, those are usually the exit affairs where a spouse does want a divorce, but wants to test the waters before jumping in.

 

I think many factors should be considered before filing for a quick divorce.

 

Was this normal behavior for the WS because they have so many issues within themselves? Or was it a one time period of completely out of character behavior that went against all they believed in?

 

Not all WS's are capable of changing or even want to, that is why successful long term reconciliations are quite low.(35%)

[jnj express]

Good luck to you---I hope it all works out for the best----you deserve a good life---let's hope your future is what you want---stand tall.

[SomedayDig]

Thanks jnj.

 

BB...the funny thing is alot of what you wrote is exactly as she explained it. It WAS an escape. She got away from me, the kids, the bills, the house...etc. She said she never had ANY desire or thought that the xOM would be anything more than a f-mate. She said she never had any jealous thoughts of him with his BW.

 

I'll say this for my W. She is a control freak. Always used to have to drive the car to her parent's house for our summer trips...that kind of stuff. Well, this too was about control, IMO. She did what SHE wanted ~ what made her feel "good". Too bad it was all a lie. She lied not only to me but to herself. She's admitted such. Its hard for her to face it, especially when she writes in our shared journal and is forced to face it in black and white. I believe she's learned a ton about herself and more importantly, her faults. Even as the BS, I love her enough to have empathy for where she was and to a point, still is. Flame me all you want, I do believe in love. But she only gets one chance. She knows...the smallest "slip up" means I'm out the door. Period.

[Furious]

I admire your compassion, how you look at all sides.

 

BUT....I don't want to sound harsh.

 

All cheaters are selfish, they know this, have always known this about themselves, just never verbalize it. Now she has to say it out loud, hear it from the outside rather than within. When they look for a marriage partner they choose someone the exact opposite. Your wife knew exactly what she was doing, you fulfilled a part of her life, and the affair was filler. And as long as it was not discovered, she would have continued.

 

Please stop worrying about her, letting her comfort you.

 

Take a step back, and ask yourself, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

[SomedayDig]

Thanks Furious. We have spoken at great length about how the affair was a filler and how selfish she was. And the truth is, if I had not found out, she would have continued. I believe things happen for a reason. I walked away from a great flying career in Oct. I had begun to do things around the house that I had not been able to for a decade! We talked last night and I said I honestly believe that the timing for me to discover her A couldn't have been more perfect. I don't have to go to work and put on the smiling face. I don't have to worry about finances because I saved enough to pay for our house for 2 years (its in a special acct that can't be touched...in MY name). One thing you did say that is very clear and she's beginning to understand is SHE needs to really comfort ME. She has, but IMO, not to the degree she could.

I purposely didn't respond yesterday because of your final question. I honestly wanted to take a step back and think.

 

What do I want? I want my marriage to work. I want to get to really know my wife again without all the veils she has hidden behind for the past 5 years. Then, and only then, will we be successful in the marriage working. I know the woman I married 12 years ago. Unfortunately, she morphed into this "other person" (my words) and pushed me away for a long, long time. I remember what she looked like on 3/6. I remember how she was toward me. That wasn't the woman I married. However, the woman I had a 2 hour open conversation with last night, reminds me of the one I met in the winter of '99.

[SomedayDig]

We had our weekly MC session yesterday. It was quite an eye opener. The C asked my W about her family life and growing up. Talk about a ton of stuff that she has hidden from and some pretty painful memories. I now understand a bit about what happened a little over 7 years ago. She had a miscarriage. I was flying thousands of miles away when she found out. I was home for her to have basically what amounts to an abortion to get the dead fetus out of her. It was around that time that she began to clam up and go inside of herself. I didn't know exactly how to deal with that. I tried...but then began to simply walk on eggshells around her. I then began to distance myself when I was home from a trip. I didn't know how to talk to her. I didn't know what she needed. Boy, do I wish I knew then what I know now. I honestly think that in a few MC sessions, this is going to come out and she is going to realize that after cramming the loss of our unborn child so deep inside, that she resented me for not being there for her. Thus, she looked for someone besides me to give her "comfort". Unfortunately, she found someone.

[Artie Lang]

Dig, if i may ask- how are you guys coping with the exposure and fallout?

 

how goes the relationship with family and friends that know?

 

has fOM reared his head?

 

just asking.

[Furious]

You said,"things happen for a reason"

 

I look for the reason things happen.

 

You my friend are doing just that.

 

Hugs

[SomedayDig]

Dig, if i may ask- how are you guys coping with the exposure and fallout?

 

how goes the relationship with family and friends that know?

 

has fOM reared his head?

 

just asking.

 

Thanks for asking Artie. Yesterday was the first day that she has seen part of our circle of friends. I had to go to a wake that I couldn't miss...let's just say I'm in a motorcycle club and it was a must go. She had to pick up the kids because we had our MC session and they took the bus to our friends house. She said it was tough because of her embarrassment, but said that they told her they stood behind our R. Next Friday we have a get together with all of the friends. They all know about it and my W and I have talked about boundaries while we're there - like, no excessive drinking (which has been known to happen too f'ng much) and no "alone time" with any one individual. That said, we're not going to be "clingy" and really try to just be ourselves. They love us. They hate what she did, but they want us to work.

As for xOM...not a word. That could be because he knows me from meeting me once. When I confronted him that night on the phone I told him if he ever tried to contact my W in any way, shape or form that I would kill him. Lucky for him, he believes me. I'm a nice guy. To a point.

[SomedayDig]

You said,"things happen for a reason"

 

I look for the reason things happen.

 

You my friend are doing just that.

 

Hugs

 

Honestly, I could only truly begin to look for the reason when I took my ego out of the equation. Trust me...my ego is f'ng hurt bad, but sometimes we have to transcend that pain to understand.

[Artie Lang]

well, there's no playbook when it comes to these things, so i guess you guys will be taking it as it comes.

 

at least they're being supportive. it's gonna be pretty awkward for her given all these people that know know about it.

 

much props to you, Dig.

[Wanderer25]

Sometimes I wonder if the BS takes a decision to R too early. Just like many that want to D after finding out the affair. I believe the Someday should have taken some more time before he decided to R

[SomedayDig]

Sometimes I wonder if the BS takes a decision to R too early. Just like many that want to D after finding out the affair. I believe the Someday should have taken some more time before he decided to R

 

This is an extremely valid point. In retrospect, I probably should have taken more time before making a decision. However, I didn't get into reading forums or books before I made that decision. I still stand by the decision we jointly made to R, yet again - your comment is quite valid and I would probably give the same advise to someone else even though I didn't follow it (mostly out of ignorance). I appreciate you pointing that out Wanderer.

 

On a side note, I don't have to work right now. I don't have that to "worry" about. Finances are fine for 2 years even if I don't work. My W and kids are gone every morning and don't get home until 4pm. I have lots of time to think about things and work things out in my mind. Maybe, in some way, that helps me a bit.

[Wanderer25]

You should definitely consider the option of R not working out. If you aren't able to deal with the pain, just don't go with it. I've seen people who aren't able to get over their wife's affair even after 10 years and living in hell and unable to get out.

[SandieBeach]

Sometimes I wonder if the BS takes a decision to R too early. Just like many that want to D after finding out the affair. I believe the Someday should have taken some more time before he decided to R

 

I think that's a really good point. It has been 10 weeks for us, and I wake up every day not knowing if I want to just leave him...

[SomedayDig]

I've definitely considered that, Wanderer. As a matter of fact, one of the first things I said to her about this was that if she ever did anything remotely close again, that I was gone for good. This is her one shot. I'm still pretty close to Dday, so I'm going to give myself a little time to work on myself and the marriage. BUT...if I truly can't get over it, then it'd be a lie to live. I won't do that to myself. Period.

[Soul_Lost]

Everything I have read has stated to wait at least 6 months before making any critical decisions. But sometimes in life you just know the right thing to do and you do it. That's what I did when I decided that I wanted to work on recovery. She basically handed me a get out of marriage free card and I decided to take the path less traveled.

 

I have full support of my inner circle of friends and my family. I haven't had that in a long time but it's a comfort to know that you have support from people that are flesh and blood and not just words on a forum. I don't post much because generally what I am going to say is already stated by someone else and doesn't need to be repeated.

 

I am pulling for you SD. Best of luck.

[SomedayDig]

I'm pretty broken up this morning. We had a tough night last night. It began when we were talking about things and I asked a "simple" question: So tell me what happened to you. I was honestly not prepared for what came next. My W was gang raped in college. She's never told anyone. Not a soul. She's held this for 20+ years and she was hurting pretty badly. I know that we as BS's are supposed to be the ones comforted, but how could I not be there for her? It was gut wrenching to hear her sobbing, but I held her tightly in my arms and explained that she didn't have to hold onto that any longer and that she was safe.

 

Just thought it was important to share this. As we all go through our pain of betrayal and deception I think it is vital that we have an open mind and sometimes be ready for anything that comes up when talking to our WS's.

[Wanderer25]

Wow!! That is terrible. Did the IC convince her to tell you this ?

 

Were you her bf during this period?

[SomedayDig]

Actually Wanderer, we're only in MC at this point, but we've talked about IC for us to work on our selves...so no one convinced her to tell me. I think it was just me asking "tell me what happened to you". I did not meet her until about 7 years later, so no I was not her bf at the time. I feel so awful for the trauma and to be honest, my initial reaction (which I did NOT express) was that if I knew who did this, they would be ended today.

I'm a little shifted in my thoughts today. I haven't dwelled on the A at all. The funny thing...she seems so much lighter today. Making breakfast for the kids. Reading to our daughter. And her smiles at me as she drinks her coffee. She thanked me for last night when we woke up and acknowledged that she felt bad that I had to comfort her with all that I'm dealing with. So, I struck her a deal. I said "...as long as you know, I'm gonna need your strength as I continue to deal with the pain you caused me." Without hesitation she said she'll be right here.

I'm writing this with a tear in my eye because sometimes...we just never know the darkness that the ones we love so dearly are holding onto.

 

***lest anyone question...even this is NOT a get out of jail free card to cheat, lie and betray. It's simply a piece of the puzzle that I discovered.