Pain from death vs. pain from infidelity

[reservoirdog1]

Just had a very sad experience today. An old friend of mine, a year older than me, got married about five years ago. At the time they met and fell in love, she knew (and, very shortly after that, he knew) that she had an inoperable brain tumour that could well take her life. They got married in 1999. Last year her health began to deteriorate, and in January this year she died.

 

He was absolutely devastated, and it's taken the last five months for him to reach a point at which a memorial service could be held. It happened today, in the backyard of the house they'd bought together, in the middle of the garden she'd planted. It was a beautiful scene -- he was surrounded by family and friends.

 

For the last ten months I've wallowed a lot in my own situation, coming to grips with the end of my own marriage following TBXW's revelations of multiple affairs and the fact that she never loved me the way I loved her. I, too, have gone through a grieving process that still goes on, with its own ups and downs, but it's getting easier with time. The hurt is receeding more and more every day, and my fraudulent marriage is closer and closer to being put on a shelf and consigned to history.

 

What struck me so much today was the monumental unfairness of the whole thing. In my situation, I have no pleasant memories of my life with her -- the things I can take comfort in are the memories that involve my children, or things I accomplished, or my friends, or my family. The memories of her and me are all poisoned.

 

But what I do have is the ability to look at my own situation and know that I can find somebody better out there, and build something new with them that isn't built on lies. I don't have to worry about making comparisons between TBXW and the next person I fall in love with, because there will be no comparison.

 

But my friend doesn't have that luxury. Yes, he has his memories of the deep love and happiness that he and his wife shared. Those can comfort him. Theirs was pure love. And while my fraudulent marriage simply ended, my friend lost the person that he loved and who loved him so much. And she's gone, and she can't come back. If any marriage should have survived, it was theirs. And yet she was taken away far before her time.

 

Eventually, when he feels stronger, no doubt my friend will start to move on, to meet somebody new. But he faces an absolutely herculean task that I, in my situation, have been spared: naturally, he will spend a lot of time comparing every woman he meets to his wife, and feeling that they simply can't compare to her. In that way, my situation is much easier.

 

I'm sorry if this is rambling. But his pain was so great and his recovery from it will be, it seems, so much more difficult than mine. And he and his wife shared true love. How unfair is that? Why couldn't their love, that was genuine and pure, be spared and they be allowed to grow old together?

[sportsloving]

I am sorry for your friend's loss, and for yours. It isn't fair ... and there doesn't seem to be any reason for the way things work out. It is totally awesome that he can at least say that he knew pure and real love, for a lot of people seek it and never really find it.

 

Now I hope you find someone someday who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

[garciagirl]

Perhaps I can add some insight.

First my heartfelt sympathy for your friend.

My first husband died afte 15 years of marriage from lung cancer ( brain mestasis)

it was devasting beyond words.

 

My heartfelt sympathy for you

I recently found out my second husband had been having an ongoing afffair for our entire 15 year marriage ( i have postd about this previsouly) And like yourself I have been told that my husband never lovd me and only used me for what I could give him. That included 2 children and untold financial amd emtional support.

It was devasting beyond words

 

Therefore having beeon on the recieving end of both of these losses I have had ample opprotunity to compare the two.

 

In the end the loss is pretty much the same.

The grief is very similar.

The pain is very much the same

 

I still love my deceased husbands memory

I miss him

I miss him alot.

 

In second marriage the man I loved never really existed.

But my heart missed who I had thought he was.

I miss him

I miss him alot

 

The major differnce is

I wish with all my heart my first husband was still here and had not died that horrbile painful death.

I wish my current ( for now) husband would have the good graces to leave and a horrible painful death would be too good for him.

 

All in all I think your friend will have an easier time.

although his loss is horrific he has known love and a good woman and will feel it is possible to find another good woman .

After he heals ( a few more months that will seem like an eternity to him) He will seek another and will in all likelyhood not make hurtful comparions. He will not want ot be alone and will seek compansionship as he had a positive experieince with his marriage. He will find his "new" mate different but also loveable. It is similar to the "differnt" but "equal" love a parent can have for two children .

 

As for me ..... I concentrate on raising my two minor children

I am too hurt and too tired to want another man in my life.

After all it is a certainty that another man would either (1) cheat on me or (2) die . With my luck another husband would probably do the 2nd while engaged in the first.

 

As for you.......... trust that not all woman are like your wife and after you have healed over try again. I sincerely hope any hurts and doubts that have been engendered in this marriage do not cloud your next relationship

 

As for your friend......I wish him peace and healing. Tell him this too will pass slowly to be sure , painfully yes, but one day he will notice the sun still shines and will be warmed.