lisagw411 Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 I am clueless as to what I should do and appreciate any outside advice. Here is my situation (apologizing in advance for the length). My husband is very high maintenance and incredibly needy. After a conversation we had this past weekend - he is upset that our life isn't what it use to be before our son was born. In a nutshell - he is jealous that his son gets more attention from me than he does. How is our life now? We have a 2 year old son who was recently diagnosed with autism. I am a work from home mom who spends five days out of my week dealing with four different therapist while trying to complete my hours for work. I designate Saturday as family day so all three of us can do things together and we focus on trying to play catch-up and getting things done around the house on sundays. I can't even find time for myself and yet I have a husband who is complaining that I am not making enough time for him. We agreed on trying to do quality time at least once a month were I would set work aside (getting up early the next day to make up the hours) and just spend time with him. That isn't enough. I spend the weekend mornings in bed with him before our son gets up (still not enough for him). I have no idea what to do. I am spread so thin and he wants more and is not happy. It is getting to the point that I just don't even care anymore. Please help... Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 he does not seem to know about two year old's safety supervision he needs to know that they have fingers and hands everywhere - and no sense of danger 24/7 just based on what you're saying i'm assuming... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisagw411 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Share Posted April 24, 2012 I don't think our son's well-being is even relevant to him - he is simply jealous of our son and is competing for my attention (his words not mine). Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 (edited) on LS some say what the errant partner "should" do but a man is unlikely to follow orders, on LS some also say counselling, ok, but some bray for divorce as if there is a great never-go-wrong new life waiting and paid for "competing for your attention" you say, does he really think your wifely-mom duties are not demanding and time-consuming, cuz i see some of that from guys on LS they do a teeny sidelines bit of helping at home, well, i say you should make out you have a bad back...let him do more/all i can't beleive he knows so little of the home-maker's jobs, yours plus you work does he participate in helping so little that he doesn't see running a home requires much attention? Edited April 24, 2012 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisagw411 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Share Posted April 24, 2012 He says he understands and is able to sympathize but still demands attention. How can you truly sympathize but still make outlandish demands? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 One of the biggest mistakes that women make when they become mothers is that they invest all their time and attention on the baby, and neglect their husband. And he feels rejected, unloved and replaced. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but don't make the mistake of neglecting your husband, because your marriage will suffer for it if you do. Your child needs both his mother and father and a strong family and a strong marriage between the two of you. It's your job, and your husband's, to make sure you keep your marriage healthy. Just because you become a mother doesn't mean that your husband stops having needs for companionship and one-on-one time with you. I know your child has a lot of needs as well, but don't neglect your husband over them. Have a trusted relative or friend to babysit your child while you and your husband take time out to nurture your relationship with each other--at least once a week. Make sure you are fulfilling your end and giving your husband the physical and emotional attention he needs. Don't neglect that, or your marriage will start to go downhill. I'm sure it's trying for both of you to have a special needs child in the home, but do whatever it takes to make sure your husband is feeling needed, wanted, and cared for. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 look, if it's attention for sex, i can understand that men need it, but apart from that if he just blurts out something attention-demanding, he must know that there's a chance you've got something else to do lined up with a child in the house and all, he asked you for family life without knowing what he actually says it's hard to know what to say back, you don't want a row, but there are home-maker/mom duties, and fatherly ones, not yet, but a two year boy old grows up Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 Did you realize that autism tends to follow families? While they haven't proven causation, there's been substantial evidence of correlation. If you're both working, consider domestic help and/or child care. What's more important, your marriage or money? You also have to learn to let go of control to some extent. Explain to your husband that if he wants more of your attention, he'll have to put more into taking care of your mutual son and chores. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
zengirl Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 Has he expressed what he actually needs, re: Attention in specifics? This requires communication. I think his job has to be separating out exactly what he needs instead of feeling like he's in competition with your son. I think your job needs to be asking what he needs and truly listening. There is only so much time, and he has to understand that, of course. However, this sounds to me like it's less about time and more about being valued. It sounds like he senses he's lost value to you, and he perceives that as being a competition between himself and your son (this is wrong on his part, but it's also natural in many cases). You need to show him you still value him and your marriage, but you can't kill yourself to do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Great Gazoo Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 Did you realize that autism tends to follow families? While they haven't proven causation, there's been substantial evidence of correlation. Perhaps the OP's husband has some autistic tendencies? Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 Perhaps the OP's husband has some autistic tendencies?This is possible. If so, communication between the two had better be crystal clear with no deviance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisagw411 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Share Posted April 24, 2012 Ok - going to try to respond to most of your very informative post. Here is a response I already submitted about what I do for him: I have tried - I have asked him what he wants from me. His answer is usually "I don't know". This has been an ongoing issue with him. It is never enough - I keep telling him that he comes first and if there is any point in time that he wants to be with his wife just let me know - I will set work aside - he doesn't do it. I have taken him out to dinner, surprised him with small tokens of affection, sent him caring text messages, post sweet comments on facebook, compliment him more than he has ever complimented me, and pretty much make him feel the the king of the freakin' universe but it still isn't enough. See why I am at my wits end? He is jealous of his son - he wants more time than I give our child which is impossible. His chief complaint is that he feels like he is fighting for quality time with me and wants the life we had before our son came along (when all of my time and energy went to him). I can't turn back time and I wouldn't want too - I have no idea what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisagw411 Posted April 24, 2012 Author Share Posted April 24, 2012 If he feels rejected, unloved, and replaced - that is his fault -not mine. I have bent over backwards reminding him how he is top priority in my life. I have told him no matter what he always comes first and that if I am working and he needs me to let me know and I will stop what I am doing and give him my attention. I have tried talking to him, I have repeatedly asked him what he needs, I have asked him what he wants from me. All he wants to do is complain and whine but not find a solution. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 Ok - going to try to respond to most of your very informative post. Here is a response I already submitted about what I do for him: I have tried - I have asked him what he wants from me. His answer is usually "I don't know". This has been an ongoing issue with him. It is never enough - I keep telling him that he comes first and if there is any point in time that he wants to be with his wife just let me know - I will set work aside - he doesn't do it. I have taken him out to dinner, surprised him with small tokens of affection, sent him caring text messages, post sweet comments on facebook, compliment him more than he has ever complimented me, and pretty much make him feel the the king of the freakin' universe but it still isn't enough. See why I am at my wits end? He is jealous of his son - he wants more time than I give our child which is impossible. His chief complaint is that he feels like he is fighting for quality time with me and wants the life we had before our son came along (when all of my time and energy went to him). I can't turn back time and I wouldn't want too - I have no idea what to do.You've ignored my suggestion of making him more responsible for his son. If the two can truly bond, the competition will be gone since this alleviates some of your stress level and also, puts him in a situation of not solely focusing on himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 "His chief complaint is that he feels like he is fighting for quality time with me and wants the life we had before our son came along (when all of my time and energy went to him)" do you all eat together? Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 He needs to grow the hell up. Seriously. Your son has Autism and you are wearing yourself out trying to help the child and a grown ass man is WHINING about not getting attention? From a two year old? I have a child who has autism. If his father ever acted like the OP's hubby, he would be told where to get off. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 I am clueless as to what I should do and appreciate any outside advice. Here is my situation (apologizing in advance for the length). My husband is very high maintenance and incredibly needy. After a conversation we had this past weekend - he is upset that our life isn't what it use to be before our son was born. In a nutshell - he is jealous that his son gets more attention from me than he does. How is our life now? We have a 2 year old son who was recently diagnosed with autism. I am a work from home mom who spends five days out of my week dealing with four different therapist while trying to complete my hours for work. I designate Saturday as family day so all three of us can do things together and we focus on trying to play catch-up and getting things done around the house on sundays. I can't even find time for myself and yet I have a husband who is complaining that I am not making enough time for him. We agreed on trying to do quality time at least once a month were I would set work aside (getting up early the next day to make up the hours) and just spend time with him. That isn't enough. I spend the weekend mornings in bed with him before our son gets up (still not enough for him). I have no idea what to do. I am spread so thin and he wants more and is not happy. It is getting to the point that I just don't even care anymore. Please help... Quality time alone with your husband once a month is not enough. You need to bump that up to once a week, and make sure your conversations with your husband shows interest in him and what's going on with him, and that the focus of your conversations is not always the child. Once a month is not enough to spend quality time with him. I'm sure he is feeling overwhelmed by all of this as well, and he is feeling he is losing his wife in the process. You have to make sure that doesn't happen, and that you are both being supportive of each other, as well as your son. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninja'sHusband Posted April 24, 2012 Share Posted April 24, 2012 I recommend reading "His Needs Her Needs", then making a decision on what you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lisagw411 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) Anyway thank you everyone. Used the His Needs Her Needs questionnaires which caused him to focus on his needs and own up to them. Found a reasonable solution to sexual fulfillment (which apparently is the root cause to all of his problems) and he is actually going to try to learn to do as I asked and approach me when he needs quality time instead of making excuses and then whining about it. Thanks again and wish me luck on regaining my sanity. Edited April 25, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed response to inflammatory post 6 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 (edited) He needs to grow the hell up. Seriously. Your son has Autism and you are wearing yourself out trying to help the child and a grown ass man is WHINING about not getting attention? From a two year old? I have a child who has autism. If his father ever acted like the OP's hubby, he would be told where to get off. That's a winner. Keep up that attitude and we will be reading your threads on separation and divorce before long. The foundation of a family is based upon the wife/husband relationship, not the mother to child relationship. You married your husband, not your child. When the children grow up and leave the house..which 99% do....there is going to be you and your husband. If you put your child before him, then there is a good chance your marriage will crumble and he will not be there waiting in the end. Also, what happens if you have more than one child? Do you ignore the other children's needs to have one child consume all of your time and energy? Of course not, you make the time.Yes, marriage and parenting is tough....deal with it. Edited April 25, 2012 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 She already talks about her husband with contempt, not empathy. This marriage is done for, it will take a few years, but it's over. She has no respect for him. You look after a two year old with autism whilst working at the same time and then you tell us how if feels... she is doing what she can and she's being proactive. The husband needs to grow up, and fast. Considering the child's needs, his needs will have to take second position. This is life. It's tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 You look after a two year old with autism whilst working at the same time and then you tell us how if feels... she is doing what she can and she's being proactive. The husband needs to grow up, and fast. Considering the child's needs, his needs will have to take second position. This is life. It's tough. A child with special needs does not mean she can put her husband in the backseat and dismiss him whenever she feels like it. If she's committed a marriage comes first, not last. Otherwise just divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 A child with special needs does not mean she can put her husband in the backseat and dismiss him whenever she feels like it. If she's committed a marriage comes first, not last. Otherwise just divorce. Have you read the thread? She is not dismissing him. She keeps asking him and he says "he doesn't know" what he wants. She does stuff for him. She bought the book. They did the questionnaire. Being jealous of a two year old with autism is very immature. Not surprised she is at the end of her tether. Link to post Share on other sites
Black Jack Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Have you read the thread? She is not dismissing him. She keeps asking him and he says "he doesn't know" what he wants. She does stuff for him. What stuff has she done for him? So far all she talks about is how her son needs taken care of. Nothing about spending time with her husband and giving him some attention. Her continued immature attitude will cost her marriage when hubby finally gets fed up with being rejected and ignored. She bought the book. They did the questionnaire. Being jealous of a two year old with autism is very immature. Not surprised she is at the end of her tether. That's not being jealous, that's called expression of feelings, something OP seems not to grasp by being ignorant of his complaints. He should not have to "compete" to get some quality alone time with her. Using the "my child is sick" line is very immature and I'm not surprised the husband is getting tired of her excuses. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 What stuff has she done for him? So far all she talks about is how her son needs taken care of. Nothing about spending time with her husband and giving him some attention. Her continued immature attitude will cost her marriage when hubby finally gets fed up with being rejected and ignored. That's not being jealous, that's called expression of feelings, something OP seems not to grasp by being ignorant of his complaints. He should not have to "compete" to get some quality alone time with her. Using the "my child is sick" line is very immature and I'm not surprised the husband is getting tired of her excuses. Have you read this? Ok - going to try to respond to most of your very informative post. Here is a response I already submitted about what I do for him: I have tried - I have asked him what he wants from me. His answer is usually "I don't know". This has been an ongoing issue with him. It is never enough - I keep telling him that he comes first and if there is any point in time that he wants to be with his wife just let me know - I will set work aside - he doesn't do it. I have taken him out to dinner, surprised him with small tokens of affection, sent him caring text messages, post sweet comments on facebook, compliment him more than he has ever complimented me, and pretty much make him feel the the king of the freakin' universe but it still isn't enough. See why I am at my wits end? He is jealous of his son - he wants more time than I give our child which is impossible. His chief complaint is that he feels like he is fighting for quality time with me and wants the life we had before our son came along (when all of my time and energy went to him). I can't turn back time and I wouldn't want too - I have no idea what to do. If you want to be obtuse and pretend you can't read, carry on, but without me... Link to post Share on other sites
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