How do I handle my needy husband?

[William]

This thread needs a baby-sitter and it ain't gonna be me. Stick to the topic or find another which can be stuck to. Enough.

[whichwayisup]

Does he help out with his son and around the house?

 

It kind of sounds like you're married to a man child and he needs to realize that a child with special needs comes first. sure he can be disappointed at times but he seems to be taking it to the extreme and it's damaging your relationship as husband and wife.

 

Would he be willing to go to counselling with you? There has to be a solution to this, otherwise it will kill off your feelings and you'll become resentful towards him.

[standtall]

This needs a concrete example:

 

Toddler's screaming in pain in his room while you're having sex in your room. Do you or can you even orgasm, prior to leaping out of bed to find out what's happening?

 

 

Not a good example. In an emergency situation, I don't think anyone is going to ignore any human..non-family or child...if you think someone is getting injured. This is about letting your spousal needs for companionship, 1 on 1 time, and their relationship in general going by the wayside because the husband, or more typically the wife, is dead tired from going above and beyond the call of duty during the day with the kids. I don't think anyone means extreme or emergency situations. I have the issues with the posts that state the kids come first in an absolute manner.

Edited April 26, 2012 by standtall

[zengirl]

The fact that the OP has a child with special needs -- a toddler who is autistic and has demonstrated autistic tendencies strong enough to be diagnosed at the age of 2 -- is a very big factor. Having a 2 year old and working is hard. Having a potentially severely autistic 2 year old and working is . . . I don't even have a word for how hard that is. Without outside help or a lot of coordination and help between husband and wife, it would be an immense challenge to manage and could easily consume your life.

 

I'm still curious to know how much time and energy the H puts into his son's care because that is going to be a big factor in terms of how much the OP can focus on her H.

 

The idea that a spouse comes before the kids seems odd to me. I don't have kids, and we don't plan to, but Hubby and I both know that if we did, they would come first. That's one of the reasons we won't have them! It's tough taking second-fiddle in your own house, I imagine, but that is the life of a parent. Truly. BOTH parents.

 

Now, of course a marriage still needs time and nurturing and so forth, and hopefully the OP has found some help and suggestions and perspectives to help her do that, but to attack someone who came looking for help on how to please her husband, care for her son, do her work, and keep going without going crazy --- that seems counterproductive to me.

[SandieBeach]

I'm not suggesting people neglect their children, obviously, or fail to take care of the child's needs. I'm suggesting people be mindful of their spouse's needs as well, and not make the children as the primary focus of the home and the parent's attention. The marital relationship is supposed to be the primary relationship. The spouse is supposed to be a priority, and not have to take back seat to the child(ren). Mothers have a tendency to focus their attention, their time and interest solely or primarily on the child(ren), often to the detriment of the marriage, and that is an unhealthy thing. If you neglect your primary relationship (to your spouse), you are putting your whole family at risk. Children need to know their place in the family, and that is as a subordinate, not a primary. I've known so many families over the years that made their children the focus of their lives, and needless to say, their marriages either didn't last, or they went downhill, and the children suffered for it. Don't make your child the primary topic of conversation you have with your husband. Don't allow your child to monopolize your attention and crowd out your husband. Don't sacrifice needed couple time because you feel you have to always be available for your child. Get a babysitter and spend couple time away from the home once a week. Put the child(ren) to bed at a reasonable hour so you can spend alone time with your husband. Talk about adult topics with your husband, even when the children are present, so your conversations aren't always focused on the child(ren). Greet him as a first thing when you get home--not the children. The children, even special needs children, need to learn their place in the family, and they will benefit from seeing you place your attention on your husband as the primary relationship.

 

 

Excellent point, KathyM! So the question to ask is what is lisagw411's husband doing that shows mindfulness of her needs? When one parent has to devote his/her energy to a child while the other parent's too busy focusing how little attention s/he gets, then where can that extra energy come from?

 

Look, I don't have kids so as a result my opinion may not be as valuable, but the way I see it, the only way for the marital relationship to be the primary and healthy relationship for couples with kids is if both parents step up and help each other.

 

As for Lisagw's question about how to handle her needy husband, well, IMO, he needs to talk to someone objective (preferably a professional) who will help him deal with these pent up resentful feelings toward the situation he's in..and yes - it seems obvious to me that he is resentful of what he has to deal with, I just hope that he will recognize that and deal with it before he does something stupid.

[xxoo]

So the question to ask is what is lisagw411's husband doing that shows mindfulness of her needs?

 

Ideally, both spouses would be considering this question. What are my spouse's needs?

 

A mother needs to know that her children are well cared for. Need. Mothers and fathers can sometimes differ on what they each consider an adequate level of care, and that is an issue to openly discuss. Her need for a higher level of care should be acknowledged, not dismissed--as should his needs for a higher level of sex and companionship.

 

Mothers need sex and companionship, too. But there is a hierarchy of need, and I first need to know that my kids are ok--to my definition of "ok". Left screaming with a babysitter doesn't cut it. Happy with a babysitter we know and trust is great! But that isn't as easy as "get a babysitter" for all families.

[Els]

Is it just me, or did everyone else also read that the OP's definition of 'making her husband as high a priority as she can' and 'doing whatever she can to spend time with him' equate to spending time with him once a MONTH??

 

Point blank, I don't think the husband is needy. I don't know of any R that can survive on once-a-month quality time indefinitely. FTR, I don't know many couples who have both parents working full-time AND don't have any sort of help with the house or children either. Something has to give. Either they cut back on expenses so that she can work less and afford to take care of the child AND spend time with him, or they spend part of that dual income on a housekeeper/babysitter... or they can continue on as they are, and watch their marriage go down the drain. One cannot have everything.

 

Of course, this is not to say that the onus is only on her to effect those changes. It should be a joint effort, but something definitely needs changing.

[zengirl]

Is it just me, or did everyone else also read that the OP's definition of 'making her husband as high a priority as she can' and 'doing whatever she can to spend time with him' equate to spending time with him once a MONTH??

 

I read it as a full day once a month, plus the time she already spends with just him -- mornings, etc. She is also stressing herself out majorly to give him that day, by doing double-work the next day. This also doesn't include Saturday being 'family' day all day. I'm not really sure why some quality spousal time cannot happen while the child is also present -- certainly some couples do have quality time with each other AND their children at the same time, no? My parents often did. They had time alone, as well, but I wouldn't say they had no spousal bonding while I was present (granted, I wasn't a 2 year old with special needs -- but also, at the same time, I'm sure that 2 year old sleeps part of Saturday and the two can spend some time together that day as well).

 

Ideally, they could work out some kind of system and get care for their son. HOWEVER, there are very few babysitters in the world who can watch an autistic 2 year old, regardless of how much money you have to throw at the problem (and I don't get the idea that the OP has an excessive amount). So, spending time truly away from the child once a week or something akin to that often sounds pretty impossible to me, unless they have strong familial support and an appropriate family member to watch the child.

 

Honestly, I think if you have a special needs 2 year old, you have to be willing to roll with it to some degree and realize that quality time will take quite a hit until the child becomes school-age. Of course, they can jointly work to find a solution, but the reality is: There may not be one. This may be it.

 

Ideally, both spouses would be considering this question. What are my spouse's needs?

 

Right. The OP seems to be trying to consider her spouse's needs but feeling completely overwhelmed. Piling on more needs to someone who is already overwhelmed is disregarding their needs -- hence the conflict. Competing with your child for attention and affection is a poor way to go about expressing your needs, IMO. I think this situation requires a lot of discussion on how they want their household to run, in general, and how they are going to try to manage the HUGE range of needs it takes to do that-- the child's, hers, his, and the expectations of reality (money, jobs, cleaning the house, etc).

 

In addition: It is hard enough to balance needs before you have kids, really, or if you have kids who don't have special needs. The idea that needs in such a house as the OP's will ever be perfectly balanced is unrealistic, IMO. I think rational adults in such a situation would simply understand that they may have to deal with not having some of their needs met (I see the OP already accepting this; I'm not sure about her H) for the time being. That's life and being a grown up.

[KathyM]

Excellent point, KathyM! So the question to ask is what is lisagw411's husband doing that shows mindfulness of her needs? When one parent has to devote his/her energy to a child while the other parent's too busy focusing how little attention s/he gets, then where can that extra energy come from?

 

Look, I don't have kids so as a result my opinion may not be as valuable, but the way I see it, the only way for the marital relationship to be the primary and healthy relationship for couples with kids is if both parents step up and help each other.

 

As for Lisagw's question about how to handle her needy husband, well, IMO, he needs to talk to someone objective (preferably a professional) who will help him deal with these pent up resentful feelings toward the situation he's in..and yes - it seems obvious to me that he is resentful of what he has to deal with, I just hope that he will recognize that and deal with it before he does something stupid.

I agree that the husband should not be off the hook on this. They need to have an equitable division of responsibilities in child care and household chores, and he needs to make his wife a priority, and take her out to have couple time away from the home, and focus his attention on the marriage. Since we don't know what their routine is at home, we can only go by what she is saying. She is saying she tries to go out at least once a month with her husband. I'm saying that's not enough. We don't really know the dynamics of their household--if it's centered too much around the child, or what the interactions are. We are only getting the OP's perception, and we are limited by what she is saying here. We don't know if his expectations are reasonable--if he is really demanding too much from her, or if she is in fact neglecting him to the point where he is feeling displaced and neglected. So I'm suggesting that she make sure that what she is providing her husband is reasonable. Once a week date night, at least once a week sex, conversation and attention at home so he feels important to her, and that their lives are not solely revolving around the child with little attention being given to their own relationship. None of us really know what the true dynamics are in their relationship, whether he is expecting too much or she is giving too little, but I'm going to stress the importance of making sure she is fulfilling her husband's needs, because that is often what is brushed aside once children come into the picture, and that will only harm the family.

[Els]

I read it as a full day once a month, plus the time she already spends with just him -- mornings, etc. She is also stressing herself out majorly to give him that day, by doing double-work the next day. This also doesn't include Saturday being 'family' day all day. I'm not really sure why some quality spousal time cannot happen while the child is also present -- certainly some couples do have quality time with each other AND their children at the same time, no? My parents often did. They had time alone, as well, but I wouldn't say they had no spousal bonding while I was present (granted, I wasn't a 2 year old with special needs -- but also, at the same time, I'm sure that 2 year old sleeps part of Saturday and the two can spend some time together that day as well).

 

Oh, hrm, perhaps I'm mistaken. I did read that she said she sets aside ONE time a month to spend quality time with him, though. Did not see it being a mention of a full day or that she spends other time with him.

 

Ideally, they could work out some kind of system and get care for their son. HOWEVER, there are very few babysitters in the world who can watch an autistic 2 year old, regardless of how much money you have to throw at the problem (and I don't get the idea that the OP has an excessive amount). So, spending time truly away from the child once a week or something akin to that often sounds pretty impossible to me, unless they have strong familial support and an appropriate family member to watch the child.

 

This could be a reason. However, she seems to imply that work is a large contributor as well. If it isn't possible to get someone to care for the child, then perhaps work less hours (she can't be working and actively doing things with the child at the same time), and use those hours to spend some time together, perhaps even just watching TV with junior in the next room?

 

Right. The OP seems to be trying to consider her spouse's needs but feeling completely overwhelmed. Piling on more needs to someone who is already overwhelmed is disregarding their needs -- hence the conflict. Competing with your child for attention and affection is a poor way to go about expressing your needs, IMO. I think this situation requires a lot of discussion on how they want their household to run, in general, and how they are going to try to manage the HUGE range of needs it takes to do that-- the child's, hers, his, and the expectations of reality (money, jobs, cleaning the house, etc).

 

This is true, but I think clarification of exactly how much time the OP spends with the husband is important here. If the situation is as you mention, then I agree with you. Otherwise, I simply cannot believe that it is impossible to take more than a few hours out of a month to spend together, or that it should be relegated to last priority. At the worst case scenario, IMO spending time together is more important than a perfectly clean house.

[zengirl]

Oh, hrm, perhaps I'm mistaken. I did read that she said she sets aside ONE time a month to spend quality time with him, though. Did not see it being a mention of a full day or that she spends other time with him.

 

The OP definitely says she spends weekend mornings with him before the child is awake and that she'd have to work double the next day (after the one day a month) to spend that day with him. I'm really not sure all the specifics though, but that's in there -- I re-read.

 

This could be a reason. However, she seems to imply that work is a large contributor as well. If it isn't possible to get someone to care for the child, then perhaps work less hours (she can't be working and actively doing things with the child at the same time), and use those hours to spend some time together, perhaps even just watching TV with junior in the next room?

 

It was also stated in the OP that they spend quality time together WITH the child at least once a week and have 'family day' on Saturdays.

 

It sounds to me like she works from home and cares for the child simultaneously, meeting the child's needs and then filling in work where she can. That must be horribly stressful as it is. Whether or not she could/should cut back would depend on their financial situation and her career situation, both of which are unknown. It is certainly a discussion the family could have. She may not be able to just "cut back" hours without losing the total income.

 

This is true, but I think clarification of exactly how much time the OP spends with the husband is important here. If the situation is as you mention, then I agree with you. Otherwise, I simply cannot believe that it is impossible to take more than a few hours out of a month to spend together, or that it should be relegated to last priority. At the worst case scenario, IMO spending time together is more important than a perfectly clean house.

 

Very true -- though, a caveat, we also don't know whose expectations the chores are either.

[LadyGrey]

I need to say this again as I am the parent of a special needs child who is now divorced. You have been given good well intentioned advice, but I will also say that folks ought to keep in mind that unless you have walked in the shoes of a special needs parent, you don't have a clue what this woman and her husband are dealing with. There are so many more aspects to it then the OP mentioned in her posts.

 

Here are just a few. A parent of a special needs child goes through the stages of grief because the healthy normal child expected is not to be so you must mourn that loss with the stages of grief, much like when someone dies. Then you have to come to acceptance and a whole new way of life in order to try to find the right balance of normal and meeting the needs of the special needs child. More than likely she has many meetings with professionals, therapists, dr's, etc, etc.

 

Again.......unless you've walked in those shoes, you can not imagine the stress these two are under and all that they are dealing with. It goes way beyond what other children require and it's through the roof of what most people know.

 

So again, I suggest counselling for both, IC and MC with someone who really does get the idea of the special challenges that you face.

[KathyM]

The fact that the OP has a child with special needs -- a toddler who is autistic and has demonstrated autistic tendencies strong enough to be diagnosed at the age of 2 -- is a very big factor. Having a 2 year old and working is hard. Having a potentially severely autistic 2 year old and working is . . . I don't even have a word for how hard that is. Without outside help or a lot of coordination and help between husband and wife, it would be an immense challenge to manage and could easily consume your life.

 

I'm still curious to know how much time and energy the H puts into his son's care because that is going to be a big factor in terms of how much the OP can focus on her H.

 

The idea that a spouse comes before the kids seems odd to me. I don't have kids, and we don't plan to, but Hubby and I both know that if we did, they would come first. That's one of the reasons we won't have them! It's tough taking second-fiddle in your own house, I imagine, but that is the life of a parent. Truly. BOTH parents.

 

Now, of course a marriage still needs time and nurturing and so forth, and hopefully the OP has found some help and suggestions and perspectives to help her do that, but to attack someone who came looking for help on how to please her husband, care for her son, do her work, and keep going without going crazy --- that seems counterproductive to me.

Well, I have three kids of my own, two of whom are twins, so I know how much of a handful it is to take care of children, and balance husband and work simultaneously. Fortunately, my husband did help out with the kids, but I can see from experience, having been there, that we focused our time and attention too much on the kids and not enough on our couple relationship, and it started to go downhill. Our marriage was wonderful in the years before we had kids, but when we both started to make the kids the priority in the house and neglected our couple interactions, our marriage went downhill. Our kids needed to see that we valued and spent time on our marriage, and they didn't get to see that, because we were too focused on them instead. But I've learned my lesson, and I've read the marriage manuals that say to make sure you invest enough time and effort into your primary relationship with your spouse, and not allow the kids to take up all of it to the point of neglecting your spouse. I know it's difficult to take care of a special needs child. Although my children don't have those issues, they were a handful, since I had to take care of two babies at once in addition to a preschooler. I have taken care of a special needs child and my niece takes care of autistic children for a living, so I do have a concept of how demanding that is. But those children can and should also learn that they are not supposed to be the center of attention all the time, and the spouse is not supposed to be neglected because of it. That is a mistake that many parents make when they have children, and it doesn't have to be that way. It shouldn't be that way. People have to take care of their marriage and not neglect it when children come into the picture. I learned the hard way, and it almost cost me my marriage, but fortunately, I learned what I needed to do in time to save my marriage--and that was to give my husband the attention he needed, and to spend time solely on our couple relationship, and not allow the kids to monopolize my time or attention. If you neglect your spouse, you will lose him. Or at the very least, your marriage will deteriorate, and it may not be possible to get it back once the kids are grown and gone. Fortunately, I was able to save mine in time when I learned the importance of putting my marriage first--ahead of the kids. That is a principle being taught by marriage counselors who know what they are talking about. Put your marriage first. That is the primary relationship which is the foundation for the family.

[LadyGrey]

Kathy your advice is sound in regards to putting the marriage and each other first, but........just because you knew someone who worked with, or who had a special needs kid, still you really have NO IDEA at all. This is what bugs me about this thread, the assumptions, the implied knowledge of what you don't know and can't know.

 

Now.......I can also tell the OP, that there have been many many times in my life that I have regretted that I'm divorced. It was not my choice. As I mentioned before, more times than not the mother ends up being the primary or the only caretaker and I'm here to tell you that it's harder than any of you can imagine. Divorce is not a road you want to go down, you two need each other, your children need both of you and you need to learn to work as a team, while still retaining you and your love for each other and your marriage. If I could turn back time, I would do so many things differently. Get professional help, do what it takes to turn this around. The road alone is very hard and it wears you down.

[KathyM]

Kathy your advice is sound in regards to putting the marriage and each other first, but........just because you knew someone who worked with, or who had a special needs kid, still you really have NO IDEA at all. This is what bugs me about this thread, the assumptions, the implied knowledge of what you don't know and can't know.

 

Now.......I can also tell the OP, that there have been many many times in my life that I have regretted that I'm divorced. It was not my choice. As I mentioned before, more times than not the mother ends up being the primary or the only caretaker and I'm here to tell you that it's harder than any of you can imagine. Divorce is not a road you want to go down, you two need each other, your children need both of you and you need to learn to work as a team, while still retaining you and your love for each other and your marriage. If I could turn back time, I would do so many things differently. Get professional help, do what it takes to turn this around. The road alone is very hard and it wears you down.

You're right, I will never know what it is truly like to live with a special needs child. My three children were normal, active children. But I do know people who either have special needs children, or take care of them during the day, so I am witness to their situations and how they deal with it. I also know people who are dealing with a dieing child or parent, and have to be there for them and take care of them, and how difficult and exhausting that can be. I know what I have been trained on, since I am a counselor in training, and how important it is for people who are dealing with these difficult situations not to give up their own life and their own needs and that of their spouse, just because they are dealing with a person that needs extra care. If anything, those caretakers need to make sure they are providing self care, and taking care of their spouse's needs, so that they will have the emotional strength and support to get through the difficult task of caring for someone with special needs. I can't stress enough how important it is to not neglect oneself or one's spouse when you are faced with an overwhelming burden. That is the way to prevent burnout. That is the way to save a marriage. What I'm suggesting is not going to take away necessary time for the child. Having a trusted parent, friend, or babysitter take over the caretaking one night or afternoon a week is not neglecting your child, but is strengthening your marriage. Putting the child to bed a bit early is not neglecting your child--but can strengthen your marriage. Conversing with your husband about his day, and other topics besides the children is not taking away from what your special needs child requires, but it goes a long way to making your spouse realize he is still important in your life. Nothing of what I'm suggesting is going to result in the child not being taken care of.

[LadyGrey]

All good advice Kathy, now what are you suggestions for the husband? I gather from the op that she feel resentful because the heaviest part of the burden is on her.

[KathyM]

All good advice Kathy, now what are you suggestions for the husband? I gather from the op that she feel resentful because the heaviest part of the burden is on her.

They should be dividing up equitably (not necessarily equally) the child care and chores in the household. They should be sitting down together and discussing the division of labor and who is to take care of what needs for the child, and coming to an agreement on what that division of labor/child care should be. They should pencil in the schedule couple time, individual time, and family time. If they work as a team, support each other, and get outside help when needed, it's doable. A lot of times men don't really know what to do to help out, and a lot of times mothers won't allow their husband to take over child care, because they think the father is not competent, so they try to do everything themselves and burn themselves out and become resentful. They need to work out the division of labor and child care together, and make sure they allow time as a couple and for individual time. It's doable. My niece looks after children with autism for the very purpose that their parents will have a break and can spend time on their spouse or themselves.

[LadyGrey]

Good suggestions Kathy.

 

Maybe it would help if I posted some of the things that I did wrong, that led eventually to the divorce. It might help someone else avoid those pitfalls.

 

I took on the lion's share of the care of my daughter when she was so sick, partly due to practicality because it was the most logical that I be the one to take a leave from work. I also tended to believe that there wasn't anyone else that could take as good of care of her as I could, probably true but the mistake was not realizing that someone else could and it would be good enough, maybe not as good as me, but good enough.

 

I grew to resent my husband for not offering to do more but yet I probably made him feel as if he couldn't do it good enough to suit me.

 

I didn't take time for myself, nor me and him. We stop functioning as a team, we each did our own things in regards to responsibilities and neither wanted to rock the boat and add what would seem like more stress.

 

After the worst of it was over, the many medical procedures, the life and death struggles, I felt as if I had lost me, me the woman, me the wife, me the lover. Apparently it felt he had lost me too. So he left.

 

In hindsight being a mother and keeping the balance is really difficult, being the mother of a special needs child is almost impossible to keep a balance but some people can do it and do. I hope the OP is in the can do category.

[threebyfate]

While there's some good advice, ever notice how the immediate assumption is that the wife drives the family unit? This is a traditional attitude, one that consistently burns women out in the present, since as with the OP, she also works and is responsible for a special needs child.

 

In other words, the father is responsible for working, the mother, responsible for meeting the needs of the father, special needs child AND working.

 

What's wrong with this picture?

[g450]

Well it looks like my last post has dissapeared.

 

So in short I will say again that it looks like the OP is not spending enough time with H. This will destroy the marriage and that will not be good for anyone including their special child.

 

Once a month is not enough. Ask me how I know. I feel sorry for her H. I think she is just making excuses. Even a special needs child can have a baby sitter. This is not rocket science.

[LadyGrey]

While there's some good advice, ever notice how the immediate assumption is that the wife drives the family unit? This is a traditional attitude, one that consistently burns women out in the present, since as with the OP, she also works and is responsible for a special needs child.

 

In other words, the father is responsible for working, the mother, responsible for meeting the needs of the father, special needs child AND working.

 

What's wrong with this picture?

 

I noticed this too in others responses and this is another factor in that I'm now divorced.

[LadyGrey]

Well it looks like my last post has dissapeared.

 

So in short I will say again that it looks like the OP is not spending enough time with H. This will destroy the marriage and that will not be good for anyone including their special child.

 

Once a month is not enough. Ask me how I know. I feel sorry for her H. I think she is just making excuses. Even a special needs child can have a baby sitter. This is not rocket science.

 

 

Do you have any children, and ever been around anyone with special needs for any length of time? Are you married?

 

I remember the prior post and it was

[g450]

Do you have any children, and ever been around anyone with special needs for any length of time? Are you married?

 

I remember the prior post and it was

 

Yes and Yes.

 

Thanks for your opinion. Just posting mine as well.

[Eddie Edirol]

While there's some good advice, ever notice how the immediate assumption is that the wife drives the family unit? This is a traditional attitude, one that consistently burns women out in the present, since as with the OP, she also works and is responsible for a special needs child.

 

In other words, the father is responsible for working, the mother, responsible for meeting the needs of the father, special needs child AND working.

 

What's wrong with this picture?

 

Well if the usual general situation is the husband not bonding with the child as much as the mother, then of course in a special needs situation will intensify that in a situation like this one. He doesnt get sex like he used to, or in this situation, no sex and cant live the pre-kid life, he feels neglected and then has no interest in caring for the child, leaving the mother to do it on her own.

 

He really does have to want to take care of his son, but she has to help him feel wanted and needed to eliminate his resentment, and THEN he might want to help out more with the kid. At least thats how this situation looks. He should want to car for the child more anyway, but I wonder if his whining is an attempt to communicate or if he is just immature. At least the OP knows where the problem is now and is working on it. Hopefully this marriage can be saved, although it wont get any easier.

[KathyM]

Good suggestions Kathy.

 

Maybe it would help if I posted some of the things that I did wrong, that led eventually to the divorce. It might help someone else avoid those pitfalls.

 

I took on the lion's share of the care of my daughter when she was so sick, partly due to practicality because it was the most logical that I be the one to take a leave from work. I also tended to believe that there wasn't anyone else that could take as good of care of her as I could, probably true but the mistake was not realizing that someone else could and it would be good enough, maybe not as good as me, but good enough.

 

I grew to resent my husband for not offering to do more but yet I probably made him feel as if he couldn't do it good enough to suit me.

 

I didn't take time for myself, nor me and him. We stop functioning as a team, we each did our own things in regards to responsibilities and neither wanted to rock the boat and add what would seem like more stress.

 

After the worst of it was over, the many medical procedures, the life and death struggles, I felt as if I had lost me, me the woman, me the wife, me the lover. Apparently it felt he had lost me too. So he left.

 

In hindsight being a mother and keeping the balance is really difficult, being the mother of a special needs child is almost impossible to keep a balance but some people can do it and do. I hope the OP is in the can do category.

Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? If only people could go back and change the mistakes they made--that so many people make. I was fortunate to have learned from a couple of very wise marriage counselors that what I needed to do to turn my marriage around was to make my husband the priority in my life that he belongs in, and that I was too invested in my children's lives and not enough in my husband's life. I turned it around in time when I got wise counsel from these two marriage counselors. What you've described happens often--when the mother thinks she is the only one who knows how to handle the kids and how to take care of them, so she actually doesn't allow people to help her enough--not the husband, not any outside help. So she burns herself out, and resents that she is bearing the burden. Then the husband ends up feeling devalued both as a husband and as a father, since he is not deemed to be competent enough to care for the child. This is a mistake that a lot of people make--especially people whose children have special needs. So a couple grows apart and becomes resentful, since they are not taking care of themselves as individuals or as a couple. You are living proof of what I am talking about. But it doesn't have to be that way. There are people who will give respite care to those in need. My niece, for example, takes care of autistic children so that the parents can have time for themselves and for each other. I used to volunteer to provide respite care for people who were dealing with a dieing child or family member, and would take over for a few hours so they could have some time to themselves. People need to make the effort to keep their own health and well being, and the health of their marriage strong. The OP should avail herself of outside help for her child, and not neglect her own health and well being or her marriage. She needs to sit down with her husband and work out a schedule that takes everyone's needs into account. And make sure her husband knows he is a priority in her life, not just through words, but through actions, and that they are a team that will handle this together.