How do I handle my needy husband?

[LadyGrey]

Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it? If only people could go back and change the mistakes they made--that so many people make. I was fortunate to have learned from a couple of very wise marriage counselors that what I needed to do to turn my marriage around was to make my husband the priority in my life that he belongs in, and that I was too invested in my children's lives and not enough in my husband's life. I turned it around in time when I got wise counsel from these two marriage counselors. What you've described happens often--when the mother thinks she is the only one who knows how to handle the kids and how to take care of them, so she actually doesn't allow people to help her enough--not the husband, not any outside help. So she burns herself out, and resents that she is bearing the burden. Then the husband ends up feeling devalued both as a husband and as a father, since he is not deemed to be competent enough to care for the child. This is a mistake that a lot of people make--especially people whose children have special needs. So a couple grows apart and becomes resentful, since they are not taking care of themselves as individuals or as a couple. You are living proof of what I am talking about. But it doesn't have to be that way. There are people who will give respite care to those in need. My niece, for example, takes care of autistic children so that the parents can have time for themselves and for each other. I used to volunteer to provide respite care for people who were dealing with a dieing child or family member, and would take over for a few hours so they could have some time to themselves. People need to make the effort to keep their own health and well being, and the health of their marriage strong. The OP should avail herself of outside help for her child, and not neglect her own health and well being or her marriage. She needs to sit down with her husband and work out a schedule that takes everyone's needs into account. And make sure her husband knows he is a priority in her life, not just through words, but through actions, and that they are a team that will handle this together.

 

I agree with all you've said but the husband absolutely needs to do his part too. It can't just be all on her to fix it all or make the lists or take the responsibility. Yes hindsight can suck but I also see clearly that the blame for my divorce does not lie all on my shoulders. My husband should have talked with me, told me how he felt and that he felt that he had lost me and he should have did something to help me get me back, but he didn't. He just walked which is the easy way out. He and I both should have done a lot of things differently.

[threebyfate]

I noticed this too in others responses and this is another factor in that I'm now divorced.

I find traditional assumptions annoying when there are two working adults who are parents. The automatic assumption is that it's the woman's responsibility to "tell" the husband what he should be doing, as it relates to the family unit.

 

I don't need to tell my husband how to be a father or adult. He does his share of what's necessary to keep the family unit going. This is a man who when we met was working close to 80 hour weeks as both a managing partner and litigator/trial lawyer for his firm.

 

He's since peeled back his hours and responsibilities, so he can spend more time with the family. Trying to do it all was burning HIM out.

 

I too have peeled back my working hours to accommodate for our family, even though we have domestic help.

 

This is what adults do who don't need to be told by their mother or father spouse, how to put in their share to keep a family balanced and happy.

[KathyM]

I agree with all you've said but the husband absolutely needs to do his part too. It can't just be all on her to fix it all or make the lists or take the responsibility. Yes hindsight can suck but I also see clearly that the blame for my divorce does not lie all on my shoulders. My husband should have talked with me, told me how he felt and that he felt that he had lost me and he should have did something to help me get me back, but he didn't. He just walked which is the easy way out. He and I both should have done a lot of things differently.

I agree that the husband needs to do his part. And the lists should be made together. They need to sit down together to figure out how they can work out a schedule that they can both live with and that will fulfill the family's needs. Unfortunately, it is often the wife that needs to take the lead when the family or couple is off track. Men are not so good at being proactive when it comes to relationship troubles, and they often don't verbally express their discontent--rather they withdraw and don't know how to make things better. Women are more relationship oriented than men, and need to be the proactive one to get their marriage on track. That may not seem fair, but that is how men are wired for the most part. Women are normally the relationship managers of the family because they are better at it than men.

[KathyM]

I find traditional assumptions annoying when there are two working adults who are parents. The automatic assumption is that it's the woman's responsibility to "tell" the husband what he should be doing, as it relates to the family unit.

 

I don't need to tell my husband how to be a father or adult. He does his share of what's necessary to keep the family unit going. This is a man who when we met was working close to 80 hour weeks as both a managing partner and litigator/trial lawyer for his firm.

 

He's since peeled back his hours and responsibilities, so he can spend more time with the family. Trying to do it all was burning HIM out.

 

I too have peeled back my working hours to accommodate for our family, even though we have domestic help.

 

This is what adults do who don't need to be told by their mother or father spouse, how to put in their share to keep a family balanced and happy.

It normally takes communication and negotiation between husband and wife to work out a schedule of division of labor and division of child care.

[giotto]

there's nothing worse for a woman having to tell her partner to do things, when it's obviously they need doing and she has no time. I don't know what role the husband plays in the care of the child, but it sounds to me that he is not doing very much. If he did, she would be less resentful and more inclined to share her time with him. Even so, I wouldn't expect my life to go back to pre-children... that's just stupid and infantile.

[zengirl]

While there's some good advice, ever notice how the immediate assumption is that the wife drives the family unit? This is a traditional attitude, one that consistently burns women out in the present, since as with the OP, she also works and is responsible for a special needs child.

 

In other words, the father is responsible for working, the mother, responsible for meeting the needs of the father, special needs child AND working.

 

What's wrong with this picture?

 

Yes, precisely the flaw I'm seeing in many POVs on this, though I didn't even realize what it was truly --- I'm not really sure how handling the H can be the OP's responsibility, but he has no responsibility to consider how overwhelmed she is, etc, etc.

 

Of course, the OP and her H need time together, but what's hindering the relationship more than that is his stating he feels an active need to compete with their child. A mature adult would not say that, IMO. Sure, a H could feel neglected or want to connect with his W more, etc, etc, but he would not -- if he had the right mindset -- feel he was actually competing with a special needs 2 year old. Until he is out of that mindset, more responsible for the child, and so forth, how can the OP prioritize him any higher or make any kind of schedule with him?

 

They have to align their family priorities first, and it sounds like his are more out of whack than hers.

 

I find traditional assumptions annoying when there are two working adults who are parents. The automatic assumption is that it's the woman's responsibility to "tell" the husband what he should be doing, as it relates to the family unit.

 

there's nothing worse for a woman having to tell her partner to do things, when it's obviously they need doing and she has no time. I don't know what role the husband plays in the care of the child, but it sounds to me that he is not doing very much. If he did, she would be less resentful and more inclined to share her time with him. Even so, I wouldn't expect my life to go back to pre-children... that's just stupid and infantile.

 

Right. Granted, we're only talking to the OP, so she's the only one we can encourage to do anyone -- so to some degree advice urging her to communicate with her H is good. Where I think it fails is putting the responsibility for her marriage and family primarily on the OP. Those are shared responsibilities, and her H is not living up to his end of the bargain at all now, as far as I can tell. In fact, he's actively creating a competition with her child --- that is no way to be understanding of familial or spousal needs. Yes, the OP can try some strategies, but putting any 'blame' on her feels wrong --- she's trying to fix things, and he doesn't seem to be working with her. Maybe he will in future, but the child is just as much his responsibility as hers, and it doesn't sound like he's taking the same kind of responsibility.

[KathyM]

The family is going through an adjustment stage right now, and they are struggling. They are adjusting to the demands that having an autistic child requires. Obviously, they both need help with this. The wife is being spread thin and is overwhelmed with the demands. The husband is feeling the loss of their identity as a couple and their time as a couple. Both issues are valid. To say the husband should just suck it up, be a man, and stop whining is not helpful. Both issues are valid. To say the husband should know what to do and jump into that role with no problem--that would be nice, but it isn't happening, and does not happen automatically with many men. They are both struggling with this adjustment, and they both have valid issues. They both need to sit down with each other and carve out a schedule that they can both live with, and that will address each of their needs. Most families, when children come along, do need to have these types of discussions--division of labor, and division of child care, and scheduling couple and personal time. It takes coordination when you have a family. It takes communication and negotiation. To think this transition should happen smoothly and without a hitch is not being realistic. Having children--especially special needs children, takes a lot of adjustment, a lot of communication, in order to work effectively as a team. And each person's needs for individual and couple time also needs to be worked out. If any of you are one of the rare lucky couples who can have children and breeze through it, with everyone instinctively fulfilling their role and never having issues with regard to division of labor, division of child care, and having all of your needs met for individual and couple time without any issues, then I envy you. Most families are not like that. I know mine wasn't and still isn't. We have to work out our issues and negotiate our issues with each other on a regular basis. This family needs to do the same--work out a schedule that takes into account everyone's needs, and creates an equitable division of labor. There's nothing wrong with the wife being proactive in working this out with her husband. If it were the husband posting here, I would advise him in the same way.

[DaisyLeigh]

That's a winner. Keep up that attitude and we will be reading your threads on separation and divorce before long.

 

The foundation of a family is based upon the wife/husband relationship, not the mother to child relationship. You married your husband, not your child. When the children grow up and leave the house..which 99% do....there is going to be you and your husband. If you put your child before him, then there is a good chance your marriage will crumble and he will not be there waiting in the end. Also, what happens if you have more than one child? Do you ignore the other children's needs to have one child consume all of your time and energy? Of course not, you make the time.Yes, marriage and parenting is tough....deal with it.

 

 

 

HOWEVER, there is a time when you have to suck it up and deal. Seems to me a real man would see how he could help his wife and pitch in, and that way, he would get more attention. Win-win.

 

And I am sorry, but sometimes, a special needs child has to come first.

[KathyM]

HOWEVER, there is a time when you have to suck it up and deal. Seems to me a real man would see how he could help his wife and pitch in, and that way, he would get more attention. Win-win.

 

And I am sorry, but sometimes, a special needs child has to come first.[/QUOTE]

That depends how you define needs. Most likely the child's appointments with therapists are done during the day when the husband is at work. As far as evening and weekend needs, obviously any medical needs have to be given a priority. But there's no reason why this child can't be cared for by a babysitter or relative or friend one evening a week so the couple could spend quality time together. As long as the child is being cared for, he doesn't need his mother/father there 24/7. He also doesn't need to stay up an extra hour at night, and the parents could have that hour to reconnect with each other. He also doesn't need to be the center of attention 24/7. He would manage just fine if the mother's attention were at times directed to the husband, as long as the child were in a safe environment and the parents were aware of what he was doing. Not all conversations need to revolve around the child either. There's no reason the husband can't get his needs met without sacrificing the child's actual needs.

[xxoo]

But there's no reason why this child can't be cared for by a babysitter or relative or friend one evening a week so the couple could spend quality time together.

 

You are assuming a friend or relative would be willing to care for the child once a week. I hope they have that kind of help available, but not everyone does!

 

They probably can't just hire the average teenage babysitter to watch their 2 year old with autism.

 

OP, have you checked into respite care? Ask your child's therapists for leads regarding qualified care, and programs that might fund it.

 

There's no reason the husband can't get his needs met without sacrificing the child's actual needs.

 

Maybe true, and maybe not. It depends on the husband's needs and the child's needs. IME, even with typical kids, there are times when each of us (mom and dad) have gone with needs unmet, simply because it was a tough stage.

Edited April 28, 2012 by xxoo

[KathyM]

You are assuming a friend or relative would be willing to care for the child once a week. I hope they have that kind of help available, but not everyone does!

 

They probably can't just hire the average teenage babysitter to watch their 2 year old with autism.

 

OP, have you checked into respite care? Ask your child's therapists for leads regarding qualified care, and programs that might fund it.

 

 

 

Maybe true, and maybe not. It depends on the husband's needs and the child's needs. IME, even with typical kids, there are times when each of us (mom and dad) have gone with needs unmet, simply because it was a tough stage.

If they don't have a friend or relative to babysit, there are qualified babysitters they can hire who are able to care for a child with special needs. That's not an assumption, that's a fact. There are babysitters that are capable. There are even sources that provide babysitters specifically for children with autism. My niece works for one of them. I agree that asking the child's therapists for referrals to agencies that provide respite care would be a good source.

[maybealone]

Ideally, "date nights" would be out of the house but that just isn't possible for everyone. I see nothing wrong with putting the kid to bed early and curling up on the couch with takeout food, wine, and a movie.

 

I also see nothing wrong the the husband taking care of putting the kid to bed early and arranging for the food. He wants time with his wife, he can be proactive. I'm sure he was when they were dating, so there's no reason he can't be now.

[threebyfate]

It normally takes communication and negotiation between husband and wife to work out a schedule of division of labor and division of child care.

Which you're automatically assuming is the wife's duty to sergeant the household. While this maybe your preference to do so, it's not necessarily a MUST.

 

Also, let's say that all duties have been allocated and her spouse chooses not to do his job. Should the wife bellow out the order to the private her spouse, for him to do his chores or should she nag him to death? Or maybe you expect her to pick up after him?

[KathyM]

Which you're automatically assuming is the wife's duty to sergeant the household. While this maybe your preference to do so, it's not necessarily a MUST.

 

Also, let's say that all duties have been allocated and her spouse chooses not to do his job. Should the wife bellow out the order to the private her spouse, for him to do his chores or should she nag him to death? Or maybe you expect her to pick up after him?

The whole point of sitting down together and working out a schedule together is so that they are in agreement on what needs to be done, by whom and when. That means there is no nagging or ordering around. Everyone knows what their role and responsibility is. It's meant to avoid disagreements, nagging and resentment, not promote it.

[threebyfate]

The whole point of sitting down together and working out a schedule together is so that they are in agreement on what needs to be done, by whom and when. That means there is no nagging or ordering around. Everyone knows what their role and responsibility is. It's meant to avoid disagreements, nagging and resentment, not promote it.

I understand the reason for the division. But that's not my point.

 

You assume it's the wife's duty to meet the husband's need and that it's her duty to get the labour force organized.

 

You've also totally ignored my questions about what happens if your spouse chooses not to do his chores, perhaps in protest for something else or feeling lazy. What then since it's the wife's duty to sergeant the household?

 

The minute someone accepts the responsibility for something, they're the ones with the bucket and mop at the end of the day when their children spouses refuse to do the work. Now if you have a spouse that doesn't need his mother sergeant to tell him how to maintain a household, he'll voluntarily do his part to keep it going.

 

Straight up, I blame the parents of these Peter Pan men and overly-responsible codependent wives, who believe they need to mother or be mothered by their spouses.

[KathyM]

I understand the reason for the division. But that's not my point.

 

You assume it's the wife's duty to meet the husband's need and that it's her duty to get the labour force organized.

 

You've also totally ignored my questions about what happens if your spouse chooses not to do his chores, perhaps in protest for something else or feeling lazy. What then since it's the wife's duty to sergeant the household?

 

The minute someone accepts the responsibility for something, they're the ones with the bucket and mop at the end of the day when their children spouses refuse to do the work. Now if you have a spouse that doesn't need his mother sergeant to tell him how to maintain a household, he'll voluntarily do his part to keep it going.

 

Straight up, I blame the parents of these Peter Pan men and overly-responsible codependent wives, who believe they need to mother or be mothered by their spouses.

It IS the wife's duty to meet her husband's needs for couple companionship and attention from his wife. It is the husband's duty to meet his wife's needs for couple companionship and attention from her husband. It is both of their responsibilities to meet their child's needs during evening and weekend hours.

 

I didn't say it was the wife's responsibility to sergeant the household. I suggested she sit down with him and together they develop a schedule they can both live with. If, after that, he is not living up to what he agreed on, then that needs to be revisited. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. The first step is to try to work out an arrangement they can both live with and both agree to.

[threebyfate]

It IS the wife's duty to meet her husband's needs for couple companionship and attention from his wife. It is the husband's duty to meet his wife's needs for couple companionship and attention from her husband. It is both of their responsibilities to meet their child's needs during evening and weekend hours.

The OP is a stay-at-home, working mother with a special needs child. This requires more from both parents which includes her husband pitching in more, rather than draining her with his neediness and jealousy of his OWN child. How bad is that, that an adult man can't focus on the well-being of the family unit? Memememememe...attitude ruins marriages and families.

 

I didn't say it was the wife's responsibility to sergeant the household. I suggested she sit down with him and together they develop a schedule they can both live with.

Your paraphrased references of "many men can't figure their way out of a diaper pail without the guidance of their wives" puts all the responsibility of sergeanting on the wife and absolves the husband of responsibility even to the degree that he should be allowed to put more onto her shoulders through his neediness.

 

If, after that, he is not living up to what he agreed on, then that needs to be revisited. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. The first step is to try to work out an arrangement they can both live with and both agree to.

Oh I see, let's just put more stress onto the wife by putting her in charge of the labour force without any teeth to enforce the agreement and no thought to future consequences of taking this route.

[KathyM]

The OP is a stay-at-home, working mother with a special needs child. This requires more from both parents which includes her husband pitching in more, rather than draining her with his neediness and jealousy of his OWN child. How bad is that, that an adult man can't focus on the well-being of the family unit? Memememememe...attitude ruins marriages and families.

 

We don't really know from the OPs posts just how "needy" her husband is. Her definition of "neediness" is not clear in her posts. She said she tried to have a night out with him at least once a month. Wanting your wife to spend quality time with you to go out as a couple more than once a month is not being needy, although she might interpret it as such. Wanting your wife to spend an hour a night for couple time is not being needy. Husbands and wives need to spend that time together once a day to keep their marriage healthy. Wanting your wife to pay attention to what you say, take an interest in how your day went, and have a conversation with you is not being needy. Those are normal needs. We don't know the extent of just how much he is asking for, or if what he is asking for is too much. But I'm saying she needs to be aware that just because her child has a lot of needs does not mean that her husband can no longer have reasonable needs.

 

Your paraphrased references of "many men can't figure their way out of a diaper pail without the guidance of their wives" puts all the responsibility of sergeanting on the wife and absolves the husband of responsibility even to the degree that he should be allowed to put more onto her shoulders through his neediness.

 

I never said that--you did. You're putting words in my mouth that I never said. I'm just suggesting that she take the initiative to work this out with her husband--that's all. Since she is the one posting on this forum, she is the one I am suggesting to do this.

 

Oh I see, let's just put more stress onto the wife by putting her in charge of the labour force without any teeth to enforce the agreement and no thought to future consequences of taking this route.

I'm not suggesting she be put in charge of the labor force. I'm suggesting she work out a schedule with her husband to divide up the labor and child care in an equitable way. That is meant to relieve stress, not create it. Believe it or not, that is what couples do when they go to marriage counseling if there is a problem with this. They work out an agreement on division of labor and child care. Why is this such a difficult thing for you to accept? This is what many families do to make sure things run smoothly. This is what I have had to do at times in my marriage--worked out an agreement with my husband on household chores and child care. I have no idea why you think there is something wrong with doing that. That is how marriage counselors work out these kinds of issues with their clients. And what kind of "teeth" are you recommending there be? Punishment for the husband if he fails to do one of the things he agreed to do? Maybe she should send him to his room for an hour, or take away his T.V. time. *sarcasm* The agreement should not be made with the intent of punishment for non-compliance. He is not a child, and should not be treated as such. The agreement is for both of their benefits, and we really don't know how well he would comply with it, since it has never been instituted with them. It should be given a try. That is how couples work out these kinds of issues--through communicating, negotiation, and mutual agreement.

[g450]

I find it laughable that so many have come into this thread and have portrayed the OPs H as some lazy slob that just comes home and watches TV and demands constant attention and sex from her. You dont know that!

 

OP hasnt stated what her H does or does not do. Yes she takes the child to the docoter. Big whoop. Her H works and she is a stay at home mom, it's her job to do that. Duhh! But somehow she portrays herself as a victim and demonizes her H. Dont you think her H is tired at the end of the day as well?

 

She has the brunt of the childcare responsibility by default because she does not work outside the home, He DOES. This is not rocket science.

 

And ironically enough I do not think she even answered the question as to how often she has sex with him. She did hint something about once a month and that in itself is telling and troubling. I think that THIS is the real issue here, not the child. I am willing to bet that the lack of intimacy from her is very high and is having an impact on their marriage.

 

If she thinks she has it rough now, wait until they are divorced and she has to work AND raise the child alone. I wonder if she will be in the mood for sex then?

Edited May 3, 2012 by g450

[knitwit]

I find it laughable that so many have come into this thread and have portrayed the OPs H as some lazy slob that just comes home and watches TV and demands constant attention and sex from her. You dont know that!

 

OP hasnt stated what her H does or does not do. Yes she takes the child to the docoter. Big whoop. Her H works and she is a stay at home mom, it's her job to do that. Duhh! But somehow she portrays herself as a victim and demonizes her H. Dont you think her H is tired at the end of the day as well?

 

She has the brunt of the childcare responsibility by default because she does not work outside the home, He DOES. This is not rocket science.

 

And ironically enough I do not think she even answered the question as to how often she has sex with him. She did hint something about once a month and that in itself is telling and troubling. I think that THIS is the real issue here, not the child. I am willing to bet that the lack of intimacy from her is very high and is having an impact on their marriage.

 

If she thinks she has it rough now, wait until they are divorced and she has to work AND raise the child alone. I wonder if she will be in the mood for sex then?

 

I think your post is rude and demeaning, and not accurate. She is not a stay-at-home mom. She works 5 days/week. It is in her first post and she mentions in other posts that she makes time for her H but still has to make up the hours at another time. She works and is the primary caretaker for her kid.

[g450]

I think your post is rude and demeaning, and not accurate. She is not a stay-at-home mom. She works 5 days/week. It is in her first post and she mentions in other posts that she makes time for her H but still has to make up the hours at another time. She works and is the primary caretaker for her kid.

 

My appology then. I read so many threads I got this one mixed up with another thread. My fault, Im human. The ones that are a million miles long are the hardest to keep track of sometimes. Ill try better.

 

Anyway, that being the case why is she the primary caretaker? Me and my XW both worked and all home chores were roughly 50/50. Why is she allowing this arrangement?

 

But I stand by my feeling that there is more going on here. Regardless of how one paints one or the other as villian or victim, if they are only having sex once a month then their marriage IMHO will be over soon. And that is a no win for all three of them.

 

And for the record. I am not and have NEVER insinuated that she was having an affair. I was warned by Mod that I did this and had to point out to him that my posting never said that.

 

People here tend to make too many assumptions about what they read. But I am guilty of that as well. Hopefully that will clear up the air.

Edited May 4, 2012 by g450

[maybealone]

if they are only having sex once a month then their marriage IMHO will be over soon.

 

I don't think she ever said that, either. She said they do date nights once a month, and spend weekend mornings in bed.

 

It would be interesting to know, however, when her husband asks for more attention if he means more one-on-one time or more sex.

[mem11363]

XO,

We are the same.

 

 

 

 

Yes, we know that the H feels his needs aren't being met. But do we know that the mother is giving any more care and attention to the child than what is actually necessary? She may simply be pulled in too many directions, with too many needs to meet.

 

In my experience as a mother, my children's needs MUST be met first. That is a relatively simple task with typical kids (not infants), leaving plenty of couple time. But as a mother, I need to feel confident that my children are ok, and well cared for, before I can take time for myself, or as a couple.

 

Fortunately, my H feels the same.

[The Blue Knight]

I didn't read the entire thread but KathyM kind of touched on it. Be careful not to make the husband feel replaced. A child with autism is a big job and I have a family member who has it so I know it's quite a task to deal with daily.

 

You sound stressed and as you stated, "spread thin." Just be sure to keep the marriage alive. That's my point.

[g450]

I don't think she ever said that, either. She said they do date nights once a month, and spend weekend mornings in bed.

 

It would be interesting to know, however, when her husband asks for more attention if he means more one-on-one time or more sex.

 

That's the problem. She hasnt said how often. The fact that this info is omitted is a bit troubling. This and the fact that she posted that she dated only once a month leads me to think that once a month sex is a real possibility.

 

But I digress. Until OP answeres that question we will never know. And it makes it really hard to diagonise state of her marriage.

 

But if sex is 1/month then her H is not needy. He is sex starved. Not good for her marriage and not good for her Son. She needs to understand this if she wants to save the marriage.

Edited May 6, 2012 by g450