How do I handle my needy husband?

[Frootloop]

I'm new here, and this is one of the first threads I've read, but I've been married for a big part of my life and I teach all kinds of kids. This whole thread has my blood pressure WAY UP. The OP is talking about a 2 year old Child with autism. His needs are probably at their greatest right now. Austistic kids are not good at being left with other people and they take risks that no other child would take. this woman is working, spending mornings with her husband, spending Saturdays with her family, and even has to work double to make the time to spend with him. He is being INCREDIBLY selfish to ask that she spread herself even thinner at such a stressful time in their child's life. Their son will hopefully grow to have enough life skills that she can focus her attention on other things, but right now, he HAS to be her primary concern. Her husband needs to take the backseat for a few months and let her figure out how to handle this very stressful situation without adding more stress. Adults need to be adults. I'm sorry of this is offensive to some people, but as the working mother of three healthy children, I can tell you that I am spread very thin and at times the stress is overwhelming.

[Krytie TV]

I find it laughable that so many have come into this thread and have portrayed the OPs H as some lazy slob that just comes home and watches TV and demands constant attention and sex from her. You dont know that!

 

Being late to the party, I have to agree with this. It's too bad the OP disappeared from the topic.

 

To me, on the surface, the OP sounds angry. This may or not be a trait bred through her current situation. We all know how these one side of the story threads can go, but I would really be curious to know how the husband contributes, because I have this nagging feeling that the real devil here is in the details. She alludes to what he demads from her, but leaves out any mention of what he actually does or does not do for the family.

 

Whatever we think of the man as he is presented, what can't be left out is that this is a guy who is in need. I'm not so sure this isn't something that was lacking even before the child came along, based on the tone of the OP. She sounds unsympathetic to the fact the he is needing more from her, and as someone who has an ex-wife that was very neglectful even without children, if there is a need, it is probably due to the fact that there is an absence of what he's demanding. This puts him in a no-win situation, because it can be VERY easy to lose yourself in the needs of the children. While I do not have a special needs child, I do have twins so I know there's no shortage in the household of demands.

 

The real difference though is whether or not OP actually cares. I mean deep-down cares that her husband feels left out. If not, then this has little chance of succeeding. From the tone of her thread, I'm not sure she does really care, or maybe she has just been burning the candle at both ends so long that she can't find the energy to care.

 

There is just so much missing from this story to make any real declarations about blame- his or hers. But let's not automatically assume that her husband is a man-child with no ability to contribute to the family system. I spent my entire first marriage being "needy" for what was absent until I realized what I really needed is a new wife who actually gave a ****.

 

I believe all parents need to remember who came first. It was the two of you before the family came, and only a healthy core parental unit can make it through something like the situation presented here. The happier you two are together, the more exponential your child's well-being will be.

[The Blue Knight]

I've read about 50% of this threads comments but one thing I want to point out and I don't want this to sound insensitive, but someone already touched on it. 90% of marriages with special needs children end in divorce. I saw it happen with a close relative and it wasn't pretty.

 

I'm unable to tell if the husband is truly a big baby or if the OP just isn't making adequate time for "them" to get some quality time. She best knows the answer.

 

But a house build on sand will quickly falter as opposed to one built on a solid concrete foundation. In other words, you two have to make time for yourselves and time for intimacy. How you do the logistics is up to you. I assume that most grown ups have learned how to sneak in some "us" time when they need too. It's not always easy but with a little planning and thinking ahead, it can be done two or three times a week.

 

If the house remains built on sand, it will crumble and if the marriage falls apart, then your complications become that much more taxing.

[g450]

Yeah thats one thing about this entire thread that gets me.

 

I know a woman whos husband is constantly deployed and in the field because he is in the Army. She has three small children, a large dog, a cat, a ferret and she is constantly playing babysitter for her brother in laws kids as well. Yet....she ALWAYS finds time for her and her husband.

 

Special needs or not, I feel like the OP is using her child as an excuse and is villifying her H on purpose here. For what purpose, I dont know. The fact that she is now MIA from her own thread and hasnt answered key questions helps me to fill in the blanks with what I think is really going on in her situation.

 

I am siding with the H and it breaks my heart that he is not here to defend himself and save his marriage. I wonder if he knows about any of this.

 

I think OP just came here to get some "You Go Girl!" type responses and the inevitable "Loooz that zero and get yourself a hero!"

Edited May 16, 2012 by g450