confused2314 Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 G'day, I was wondering if sometimes separation can be a good thing for a marriage? Me and my wife have not been intimate for 3 years - I loved her when marrying her but was not really sexual compatible or attracted to her. I was naive and silly (thought love was all that mattered) - it was my first RS and I thought my wife and/or I would change. I do not think is really sexually attracted to me either. She sometimes has said she doesn't love me and for me to 'get out of her house'. Anyways as per my previous posts I found out she cheated on me about a year ago - also that she lent this guy 12 thousand dollars for a motorbike that he then went onto smash and still hasn't payed her back for. She lied to me about the money after I found out about the cheating and I thought we had come clean. So for about 4 months she was extremely distant and would snap at me when I talked to her. She was out half the night with friends for 5 days of the week and helping them but avoiding me. She told me several times she doesn't care if I stay or leave, that she doesn't love me. I suffer from mental illness and she said I don't have the courage to kill myself. Also before the marriage we were both fit, now I am overweight and so is she. I am not blaming her but I am blaming the marriage - we just don't care. So I decided to separate from her then go for divorce because that is obviously what she wanted. At first she didn't care but when she caught wind that I had a place lined up and it was going ahead - she totally 180'ed, told me she loves me and doesn't want me to go????? I am so confused. Sometimes she gets mad when I bring up the past but I can't let it go, for the most part we have been getting along and she says now she doesn't want a divorce. I still don't think we are sexually attracted to each other and sometimes I get a bit short and need space from her (still haven't been intimate, not even a face kiss just a quick hug now and again). I am worried that we are going to fall back into old patterns. She is trying to guilt trip me and says that if I divorce she will sell the house which she loves and split the money 50 50. I do not want this - I just want to take my possessions as I only payed bills and she payed the mortgage. I am not money motivated and want her to keep her house which she bought years before she met me. She is getting the house renovated and we need to move out for a while, she wants us to move into her parents house for 2 months while the reno's happen. I will not be able to stand moving in with her parents so I am going to my old mans house for that time and it will sort of be a separation. My old man said that if I decide to divorce I can stay for a bit longer at his house till I get a place. I don't know what to do. My wife doesn't want a separation now but says that if we get separated she knows we won't get back together again. Can someone please relate separation experiences? Can it sometimes rejuvenate a marriage or does it break it apart? Maybe we do need to move on in the marriage it hasn't gone too well I don't know. Can someone who has been in this situation give advice based upon what I have communicated here? Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 G'day, I was wondering if sometimes separation can be a good thing for a marriage? Me and my wife have not been intimate for 3 years - I loved her when marrying her but was not really sexual compatible or attracted to her. I was naive and silly (thought love was all that mattered) - it was my first RS and I thought my wife and/or I would change. I do not think is really sexually attracted to me either. She sometimes has said she doesn't love me and for me to 'get out of her house'. Anyways as per my previous posts I found out she cheated on me about a year ago - also that she lent this guy 12 thousand dollars for a motorbike that he then went onto smash and still hasn't payed her back for. She lied to me about the money after I found out about the cheating and I thought we had come clean. So for about 4 months she was extremely distant and would snap at me when I talked to her. She was out half the night with friends for 5 days of the week and helping them but avoiding me. She told me several times she doesn't care if I stay or leave, that she doesn't love me. I suffer from mental illness and she said I don't have the courage to kill myself. Also before the marriage we were both fit, now I am overweight and so is she. I am not blaming her but I am blaming the marriage - we just don't care. So I decided to separate from her then go for divorce because that is obviously what she wanted. At first she didn't care but when she caught wind that I had a place lined up and it was going ahead - she totally 180'ed, told me she loves me and doesn't want me to go????? I am so confused. Sometimes she gets mad when I bring up the past but I can't let it go, for the most part we have been getting along and she says now she doesn't want a divorce. I still don't think we are sexually attracted to each other and sometimes I get a bit short and need space from her (still haven't been intimate, not even a face kiss just a quick hug now and again). I am worried that we are going to fall back into old patterns. She is trying to guilt trip me and says that if I divorce she will sell the house which she loves and split the money 50 50. I do not want this - I just want to take my possessions as I only payed bills and she payed the mortgage. I am not money motivated and want her to keep her house which she bought years before she met me. She is getting the house renovated and we need to move out for a while, she wants us to move into her parents house for 2 months while the reno's happen. I will not be able to stand moving in with her parents so I am going to my old mans house for that time and it will sort of be a separation. My old man said that if I decide to divorce I can stay for a bit longer at his house till I get a place. I don't know what to do. My wife doesn't want a separation now but says that if we get separated she knows we won't get back together again. Can someone please relate separation experiences? Can it sometimes rejuvenate a marriage or does it break it apart? Maybe we do need to move on in the marriage it hasn't gone too well I don't know. Can someone who has been in this situation give advice based upon what I have communicated here? Please help! Done right, a separation can help. Done wrong, a separation can fast track the divorce process. I believe more separations result in divorce however. From your post, I'm having a hard time seeing which your hoping for........ TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 in my opinion, generally speaking, a separation can be good for a marriage if both partners use that period of separation to address personal and joint issues contributing to the problems in their relationship. In my opinion, specifically relating to your situation, separation would be an excellent idea if it is swiftly followed by divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confused2314 Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Thanks for your replies! tojaz, I do not know what I am hoping for unfortunately. When my wife was distant and giving me a hard time I was scared but just wanted to get out. Now that she is alot nicer and easier to get along with I am not so sure about divorce anymore. The sex issue is still there and must be dealt with sooner rather than later though. She wants kids, I do to but I don't know if having them with her would be a good idea. She is very religious I am not that religious as well. If we do have kids at the moment I would not enjoy the process and definitely be forcing it. Is that bad? Should you have sex with someone (to have kids) if you have no physical desire too because the physical attraction is not there and there are sexual incompatibilities? Should you just do it for the sake of having kids? Tara, Thanks for that. So perhaps divorce should be thought about. I am scared and so is she. We are more like house mates who get along at the moment than a married couple. I am confused hence the user name - suits so well. Maybe I am procrastinating. I shall get to the bottom of this. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Well, there are a lot of issues to be dealt with. She sometimes has said she doesn't love me and for me to 'get out of her house'. She told me several times she doesn't care if I stay or leave, that she doesn't love me. she said I don't have the courage to kill myself. . I would put these on the top of the list before you worry about sex and kids. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 26, 2012 Share Posted April 26, 2012 I'm of the opinion that seperation can be great for the individuals involved...but it typically is the last gasp of the marriage dying. It rarely works out in reconciliation, nearly always ends up eventually in divorce. Again...my opinion. Your mileage may vary. Link to post Share on other sites
ridinbikes247 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I left my wife 3 months ago. I was hoping she would change, and want me back - She is going through the Grass is Greener syndrome - Anways. She left me for her 3 divorced friends - last month her divorced friends went back to there husbands !!! 1 wife was divorced for 4 years The 2nd wife was divorced for 2 years the 3rd wife just found her a b/f I was hoping since my wifes friends left her high and dry, she would change her mind and come back.... but she is still stuck strongly on divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
CM2009 Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 No the last thing u need is space between y'all, when they're is space between that's room for someone else to get between (another man) trust me I thought the same as you did and it worked against me Link to post Share on other sites
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