Having an affair with married man

[Sylky]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again. I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him. I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

[woinlove]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again. I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him. I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

 

I'd listen to your head. When you say all signs point in the right direction, your heart is likely suppressing the signs pointing in the opposite direction. This doesn't sound like an "exit affair" because he most likely then would have stayed moved out and used his legal rights to have access to his children. There are a number of possibilities, he could stay married, he could leave and be with you, he could leave and be with someone else or be single for a while. You are hoping and waiting for the second option, which may or may not come. I think it has only a slightly higher probability of coming if you stay with him and try waiting this thing out than if you make a determined break and move on with determination to live a happy and fulfilled life now, not waiting. That slight difference would not be enough, in my view, to put myself through all the pain and agony of waiting.

[rob_h]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again. I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him. I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

 

Are you still with your current partner? If so then he has every right to still be with his.

Edited April 25, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed inflammatory remark

[standtall]

Oh boy...be gentle on her BS's.

[Anywhere]

@TaraMaiden I think her point is she is confused and looking for support? She is hurting and trying to work things through in her head.

@woinlove good advice.

@rob_h I didn't see anywhere where it said she had a current partner other than the person she is referring to, did I miss that somewhere?

@standtall I don't see much luck with that There should be a warning that saying you are in love with someone or posting that you have made a mistake is open season to be lambasted.

 

@Sylky, the original poster, it looks like you fall into the group of "I believed what he said because I'm a decent person and I don't automatically think everyone lies"He may not be consciously lying to you but rather to himself,but what I do think is that a lot of these married men seem rather weak.They are so afraid of change or to take those changes that they stay where they are and they stay in affairs at the same time. Or maybe they are selfish as you will read a lot of posters saying, I am not sure.You will get some good advice here but be prepared to grow a very thick skin because some of it will not be said nicely.Many betrayed wives post on this board giving advice as well.Some of it is just that advice and some is excellent and then there are some that seems more cathartic for themselves than an effort to help someone.You need to take care of you right now.You should be looking at what is best for you and telling him to do the same.If he is leaving, why not leave and call you when he's done so?In the meantime you can work on doing the things you want to do first and if he's available later, then you are in a good place to share those things with him.

[TaraMaiden]

@TaraMaiden I think her point is she is confused and looking for support? She is hurting and trying to work things through in her head.

 

there's not a single ounce of confusion there at all.

what's done is done.

she gives a damn.

the only thing playing on her mind is that she wishes she hadn't played into this.

 

Well,there's an easy solution to that.

quit playing into it now.

 

Let her ring the wife and kids and tell them how much she's hurting, then let's find out how much sympathy and support they have for her.

Edited April 25, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Civility & respect

[Anywhere]

I'm not a BS but when you post on an open forum about willingly dating a MM and aiding in destroying a home expect people to be just as callous with you as you have been to someone else. There are forums that have cheaters who support other cheaters. OP has clearly stated that she is aware of her wrong doing but it doesn't matter. I agree with TaraMaiden, what's her point?

 

I didn't say anyone should tell her what she's doing is a good idea, it's obviously not. The point is she needs to work it out. Isn't that what the point is? She works it through because she doesn't have anyone else to work it thorugh with, makes better decisions and moves on? It's possible to be helpful without being nasty to people. She didn't come on here saying oh I'm happy and my life is amazing, she said she was hurting.

 

I think sometimes when people are long time posters they see the same type of stories so many times that they forget that for the person who is posting in pain it's the first time for THEM. They don't yet know that their grand love affair is just like the other 40 posted last week and that it will most likely end the same way. They don't know about the advice you may have given 12 times already and they may be naive or young or impressionable. Not necessarily excuses but not everyone has the same levelheadedness and most of us have lost our heads over someone at some time in our life. Poor choices if they are already taken but won't advice be better received if it's a little less harsh?

[TaraMaiden]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

so... no attempt to change anything there then....

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

kids is such a great excuse for carrying on with bad behaviour.

kids don't go away.

A parent always has children....

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again.

choices choices choices.......

 

I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him.

 

which completely contradicts the above statement....

 

I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

actually, that's 2 years wasted....

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation

 

no you don't... at least, not enough....

 

and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

 

....and guess which one you've been listening to since day one?

choices choices choices..... again....

 

 

I didn't say anyone should tell her what she's doing is a good idea, it's obviously not. The point is she needs to work it out. Isn't that what the point is?

she's already worked it out, as i illustrated above....

 

...She didn't come on here saying oh I'm happy and my life is amazing, she said she was hurting.

not so.

The word 'hurting' doesn't appear a single time in her post.

I think you may be reading something more into it than anyone else is.

 

....They don't yet know that their grand love affair is just like the other 40 posted last week and that it will most likely end the same way. They don't know about the advice you may have given 12 times already and they may be naive or young or impressionable......

 

No, because 99.9999% of the time, 'first-time posters' have had a good look round at the forum, and pretty much can read what other people have asked, and been advised.

 

This poster asks nothing.

She simply relates the story of her affair.

It's based on broken promises, deceit and wishful thinking.

As are pretty much all other affairs.

 

All she's complaining about is that her heart says one thing and her head another, but it's quite evident that she's only been listening to one of those, and nothing in her post indicates anywhere, that she's going to change that.

[woinlove]

Tara, I always appreciate your cut-to-the-chase responses, but here I think the OP saying her head and her heart are telling her different things is a clear sign of inner conflict and whether she explicitly verbalizes a need for help in addressing this inner conflict or not, it is implicitly there in her post.

 

She obviously is trying hard to look at all the signs pointing in one direction, missing the other direction. This excuse of the BW moving the children is so common in affairs where children are involved, and yet she says he is in the state of New York, where the courts have a strong focus on joint custody and would need to be convinced that such a move was in the best interest of the children. Of course with a father with two young children at home and a job, yet who devotes time to a lengthy, secret A - maybe he is in doubt about what his role is with respect to the best interests of his children.

 

What is going on right now is not in the best interests of the children, of the BW, of you, Sylky, or even of MM in the longer term - although it probably is serving the interest of a selfish man who wants both the appearances of a family life with young children and another woman on the side. If you resolve to live authentically, requiring that what you share with the people you love does not require you or them to live a life of deception and disloyalty, I really think you will not regret it. You could make that commitment now if you wish. MM can then either embrace it or not.

[woinlove]

I agree with this. I am not a BS, I am a fOW. And I do agree with the poster than many of us see the same stories over and over again and can be a little too unsympathtic. However, the OP is making a point that nothing will change her mind. So, what is the point?

 

People with internal conflicts often make contradictory statements. I see contradictions in the OP. If nothing will change her mind, then I agree with you, but I would not just focus on that part of her post. She is stating that rational thought is telling her something else, and I'd tend to put some weight on rational thought.

[alexandria35]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

 

So what's going to stop the BW from threatening to take the kids away again? Not that I believe this is the whole story but if all she has to do is say she is going to leave with the kids to make him stay with her, won't she just do the same thing if he leaves again?

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again. I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him. I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

 

What signs point to him being in the process of leaving? He's told his wife? They've started divorce proceedings? What? Being in the process of living means you're packing sh*t up and walking out the door.

 

You say your scared of wasting another year waiting for him but you also say you can't help but stay and wait for him. I see you wasting at least another year on this guy, maybe several.

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

 

Yep no point in looking back. I agree. Have you tried looking forward? Picture that for a moment why don't you. I see several possible outcomes. He stays married and you waste years of your life waiting on him. Or he leaves his wife and decides he likes his freedom and wants to play the field so you become one of several women. Or his wife discovers the affair and drops you so fast your head spins. Or he does leave and come to you but then you get all of his baggage and his crap and his wife and his kids never go away the way you want them to, and you want to get married and have kids but he doesn't because he just got himself out of a marriage and he already has kids that he's paying for, and you find out he isn't a prince charming and you never really trust him because you watched him spend at least a year lying and deceiving his wife and his wife is still in the picture and he still appeases her and does things for her and you are still jealous of their relationship, and his kids don't like you and his family doesn't like you, and everybody is judging you for being the OW who took him away from his family, and and and......

[Ms. Red]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again. I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him. I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

 

How can we support you? Or do you just want to discuss your relationship?

[mercy]

...Anyway, no point in looking back...

 

 

Not true, Sylky, not true at all. We gain much insight looking back. Looking back helps us understand the 'whys', of why we are at this point in our lives, how did we get here. It also allows us to take a step back and make changes where needed. It allows us to open ourselves up to change. Many lessons for us to learn as we look back.

 

Is there joy within you? Do you feel at peace with your situation? Are your choices going to hurt others? Just some questions you can ask yourself as you look back on the path you've taken.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I think you (and he, for that matter) should take threats from the wife of moving to another state with a grain of salt. As far as I know, it is not simple for a parent to move children to a different state from the other parent.

 

I doubt the threat is stopping him from leaving. His feelings about his family are probably doing it.

[LoveTKO]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again. I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him. I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

 

Here's a prequel for you based on the statistics and facts pertaining to your case:

 

1) He is never going to leave his wife

 

2) You are going to give him an ultimatum, but one that includes an unspoken provision allowing him to stay until he's ready to leave (aka making excuses, sticking your head in the sand).

 

3) You will never leave and will let this linger on.

 

4) He's going to start looking for--or may already have--other female prospects to stroke his ego.

[Stephanie]

I'm not a BS but when you post on an open forum about willingly dating a MM and aiding in destroying a home expect people to be just as callous with you as you have been to someone else. There are forums that have cheaters who support other cheaters. OP has clearly stated that she is aware of her wrong doing but it doesn't matter. I agree with TaraMaiden, what's her point?

 

You must not forget that this forum is designed for SUPPORT and DISCUSSION for a person finding themselves in a relationship with an already commited partner. OW/OM have every right to receive support on this forum, believe it or not, even from other OW/OM who may be happy or content and fully support affairs. They also have a right to post here to discuss their situation without fearing attack from those who disagree with their choices.

 

This doesn't mean that anyone must agree with OP's decisions, outlook, or anything of that nature, but it DOES mean that you must present your information in a civil and helpful manner.

 

Suggesting that this forum is not a place for a member to receive support simply because it doesn't align with YOUR views of the forum is inherently wrong and will not be taken lightly. Use the above post as a prime example of what not to do.

Edited April 25, 2012 by Stephanie

[Got it]

I've been having an affair now with a married man for almost a year now. I knew he was married when we first met, but he told me that he was in the process of leaving her. Well, forward 12 months and he is still in his situation.

 

The fact that he has 2 young kids makes it hard for him to leave. I genuinely do believe that he will leave her eventually as he did move out for a period of time but then had to move back as she threatened to move the kids away to Chicago where her family is from (he's based in New York).

 

All the signs point in the right direction that he is the process of leaving, however I told him I'm not going to wait around and everytime we do try and break up, we both end up together again. I am totally in love with him and no matter what anyone says to me that it is wrong, I can't help to stay and wait for him. I'm 31 and he's 38 and I'm scared that I am going to waste another year on him and I should be looking for someone to settle down with that isn't so complicated.

 

I hate the fact that I'm in this situation and if I could rewind to the day we met I would never have caught up with again. Anyway, no point in looking back as what's done is done and as much as my head is telling me to leave, my heart is telling me to stay.

 

Sylky, I understand the conflict. We had a timeline in place that for my own heart I knew I needed to abide by. Make sure you are looking out for your own best interests and you are in the affair because you want to be and it is because there is more good than bad. Just make sure you aren't waiting forever.

 

I was in an affair for a couple years. He did leave and is now divorced. It came with a dday as well so we are still dealing with the roller coaster well into singlehood. But I can tell you I love the man more than anything and I love him more today than I ever have.

 

Good luck to you and make sure that you are your own best advocate. Keep your focus on your life and allow him to be the icing on your cake.

[Stephanie]

Well color me confused, but from the OP, I can't tell that she's here for either support or discussion. Without further input from the OP as to what she's looking for, everything else is pure assumption.

 

As far as I can tell, this thread could just as easily be on the Rants and Confessions board. Maybe if there's no further input from the OP, it could be moved there.

 

Look at post #12 from Ms. Red "How can we support you? Or do you just want to discuss your relationship?"

 

That's an appropriate and thoughtful question to gain more insight when she didn't know how else to respond to the OP.

 

I know there are plenty of APs here who can relate to the OP. An example of a supportive post would be something along the lines of "I understand how you feel. I've been there and this was my experience..." That's discussion. Attacking the OP for posting about her situation doesn't necessarily create an environment where others feel they can support her. And that's what this forum is for. As I've pointed out, dissenting opinions are welcome as well, but not in an inflammatory or snarky or abusive manner.

 

This thread doesn't need to be moved to another forum. It's appropriate here. What's not appropriate here is people trying to run her out because it doesn't make sense to them. If you don't have something beneficial to add to the thread, even as thoughtful constructive critisicm, don't reply. It's really that simple. This isn't open for further debate on this thread. If you have questions, you know how to PM me.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Stephanie

[Radagast]

Sylky, as a former unfaithful spouse I can agree that it is very hard to break up a family. When my ex-wife and I separated the children took it very hard, as did she, and I agreed to take her back as a result. Things did not work out and I met someone and started an affair, and after counselling was able to make the break and we are now married. The kids are fine. But they are older than those you refer to it would seem so it may be harder for your lover to make that break. That does not mean he does not love you or that he does not want to be with you. He may well love you. He may even one day find it in himself to break free to be with you. But you cannot live your life by what he may or may not do.

 

If it is better for you to stay with him even though you only have part time access to him and you are happy to do so, then stay. But if you are more unhappy than you are happy or if you are hurting more than you would if you were not with him then you need to consider leaving him. You are still young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. You get to choose how you want to spend it. If he cannot give you what you really want you need to consider whether what he can give you is enough for what you need. Perhaps it is but perhaps it is not. Be kind to yourself first.

[Sylky]

Thank you each and everyone that has responded to my situation.

 

I guess I did leave it unopen as I am in such a confused state that I just wanted to see what others thought out there.

 

I confronted him last night about how I was feeling, we've had a few of these discussions before and I said that I had been on the internet reading about affiars and saw the stats that 95% of them don't last and I didn't want to be in that number. He told me that it's not just a physical affair, because if it was it wouldn't have gone on for this long. He genuinely loves me, but needs to sort out a few issues before he can leave his wife. Apart from the kid issue, it includes quite a big financial one that he is in the midst of sorting out.

 

He can see a future with me and I can as well, I have accepted he has kids and we have spoken about having kids in the future and getting married. He told me he isn't opposed to any of that, but was clear that he didn't want to rush into that after him divorcing which of course I can appreciate.

 

I asked him, by me continuing seeing him am I prolonging his decision to stay with her as he is getting his cake and eating it too? And he replied definitely not, but would understand if I needed to take a break until he leaves her.

 

He is seeing a therapist at the moment to talk through the impending seperation which I'm glad he is doing. Throughout our whole relationship he has been honest and transparent with me and I feel like I can trust him.

 

I guess time will tell, but I have given myself a deadline and this time I will stick to it..

Edited April 27, 2012 by Sylky

[Got it]

Thank you each and everyone that has responded to my situation.

 

I guess I did leave it unopen as I am in such a confused state that I just wanted to see what others thought out there.

 

I confronted him last night about how I was feeling, we've had a few of these discussions before and I said that I had been on the internet reading about affiars and saw the stats that 95% of them don't last and I didn't want to be in that number. He told me that it's not just a physical affair, because if it was it wouldn't have gone on for this long. He genuinely loves me, but needs to sort out a few issues before he can leave his wife. Apart from the kid issue, it includes quite a big financial one that he is in the midst of sorting out.

 

He can see a future with me and I can as well, I have accepted he has kids and we have spoken about having kids in the future and getting married. He told me he isn't opposed to any of that, but was clear that he didn't want to rush into that after him divorcing which of course I can appreciate.

 

I asked him, by me continuing seeing him am I prolonging his decision to stay with her as he is getting his cake and eating it too? And he replied definitely not, but would understand if I needed to take a break until he leaves her.

 

He is seeing a therapist at the moment to talk through the impending seperation which I'm glad he is doing. Throughout our whole relationship he has been honest and transparent with me and I feel like I can trust him.

 

I guess time will tell, but I have given myself a deadline and this time I will stick to it..

 

Sylky, I think it was a very good talk. Now, being me , I would recap it in an email so like any discussion you have it clearly laid out between both parties and no misunderstanding, etc. I think him being in therapy is a very good sign. Watch and wait but take care of you. Ultimately his decision to divorce needs to be because the marriage is not working for him, not that he is leaving for you. So that is his journey to walk. Yours may be to stay in the relationship because there is more good than bad or it means that you will need to walk away.

 

Take care of you and do what is best for your life. (((())))) I do know that it is easier for a parent to move thier kids while they are still married and not separated than after they are separated. So if that is a fear of his he should have a separation agreement done right away to address the ability to move. It is not an unreasonable fear of his but there are legal recourses around it.

[woinlove]

Thank you each and everyone that has responded to my situation.

 

I guess I did leave it unopen as I am in such a confused state that I just wanted to see what others thought out there.

 

I confronted him last night about how I was feeling, we've had a few of these discussions before and I said that I had been on the internet reading about affiars and saw the stats that 95% of them don't last and I didn't want to be in that number. He told me that it's not just a physical affair, because if it was it wouldn't have gone on for this long. He genuinely loves me, but needs to sort out a few issues before he can leave his wife. Apart from the kid issue, it includes quite a big financial one that he is in the midst of sorting out.

 

He can see a future with me and I can as well, I have accepted he has kids and we have spoken about having kids in the future and getting married. He told me he isn't opposed to any of that, but was clear that he didn't want to rush into that after him divorcing which of course I can appreciate.

 

I asked him, by me continuing seeing him am I prolonging his decision to stay with her as he is getting his cake and eating it too? And he replied definitely not, but would understand if I needed to take a break until he leaves her.

 

He is seeing a therapist at the moment to talk through the impending seperation which I'm glad he is doing. Throughout our whole relationship he has been honest and transparent with me and I feel like I can trust him.

 

I guess time will tell, but I have given myself a deadline and this time I will stick to it..

 

Good that you have set a deadline and know you will stick to it.

 

About the trust and transparency, he is likely even more confused than you as he is juggling two lives, keeping up a husband and father front when he is not with you. It is extremely difficult for a person in that situation to have their emotions and thoughts work in unison, to essentially be one whole, authentic person. There are essentially always conflicts within themselves, whether articulated, buried, denied or whatever. Consequently, there is no one truth.

 

It is not like a person who is at peace, knows what they what, can be open and honest with everyone they share their life with, their actions and words align with each other, and -most importantly - they can be honest with themselves. Conflicted people often do not even know their own truth themselves and even when they say what they believe to be the truth at that time to that person, they may later come to realize something quite different.

Edited April 27, 2012 by woinlove

[Sylky]

Sylky, I think it was a very good talk. Now, being me , I would recap it in an email so like any discussion you have it clearly laid out between both parties and no misunderstanding, etc. I think him being in therapy is a very good sign. Watch and wait but take care of you. Ultimately his decision to divorce needs to be because the marriage is not working for him, not that he is leaving for you. So that is his journey to walk. Yours may be to stay in the relationship because there is more good than bad or it means that you will need to walk away.

 

Take care of you and do what is best for your life. (((())))) I do know that it is easier for a parent to move thier kids while they are still married and not separated than after they are separated. So if that is a fear of his he should have a separation agreement done right away to address the ability to move. It is not an unreasonable fear of his but there are legal recourses around it.

Thanks for your reply!

 

From the get go, he always told me he was always leaving his marriage for himself and never for me and he even said that to me again last night and it was a bonus that he met me. He doesn't want me to portrayed as the OW in his wife's eyes so he said we have to carefully manage that process when it comes to fruition.

[woinlove]

Thanks for your reply!

 

From the get go, he always told me he was always leaving his marriage for himself and never for me and he even said that to me again last night and it was a bonus that he met me. He doesn't want me to portrayed as the OW in his wife's eyes so he said we have to carefully manage that process when it comes to fruition.

 

Is that what you want too? It is not just his W, it is his children, his family, your family. If one is really going to construct a story about how one met, you have to limit the number of confidants that know the truth. You don't want the children finding out they've been lied to. He may want things to go this way (and it may be related to finances and divorce settlement also) but you need to think about your own future and how you want things. I prefer to be able to tell the truth to those I am close to, including family, and you might feel like that too in the future.

[Got it]

Is that what you want too? It is not just his W, it is his children, his family, your family. If one is really going to construct a story about how one met, you have to limit the number of confidants that know the truth. You don't want the children finding out they've been lied to. He may want things to go this way (and it may be related to finances and divorce settlement also) but you need to think about your own future and how you want things. I prefer to be able to tell the truth to those I am close to, including family, and you might feel like that too in the future.

 

I think it can be done. Does one go into the nitty gritty details about their relationships especially to one's children?