She says she "needs space"

[Aries Guy]

Hi everyone. I am 33, she is 34. We're great together, and have been ever since day one when we met, about 8 months ago. Everywhere we go we are told how awesome a couple we make. Her friends, my friends, family, everyone agrees it's a great match. When I am with her it's like the whole world is alright. She has always said that she feels the same. It took us a couple months to discuss marriage, and we both agreed it is what we want to do. However, since it is a bit of a long-distance relationship (live about 2 hour drive apart), we've had to work out a way to be together first, and then get married. We both have good jobs where we are, and we don't want to leave them without knowing about the prospect of a new job. Ok anyway the point is we haven't got married yet or made much plans for it due to these circumstances, but we did agree to it.

 

Well last weekend, she declared that she needs space to herself for an indefinite period of time to work out some issues before we continue down the path towards a committed relationship. This is, to me, like an earthquake occurring suddenly on what was always very stable ground. She told me that an ex of hers from long ago (about 8 years since they last broke up) had called her on the Friday night saying he still loves her. Then on Sunday she says she felt depressed all day. And finally, on the following Tuesday morning is when she told me she needs space to think about things. I accepted this, yet I haven't heard from her since then and it is starting to drive me crazy.

 

We used to talk nearly every day, on the phone, or just sending email (since it is long-distance). Also, any day off that I had or she had, we would usually run right off to visit the other person. But now we haven't talked for going on 6 days now and I just don't like it. I have always been open to her and understanding, and have let her know she can talk to me about anything at all. Yet I guess she doesn't want to talk, or can't talk. I really don't know now. Any advice/ideas?

[cuteamidy]

if i was you i would send a lenghty email to her saying how you feel and that you miss her. i say email because i dont want her to think that you are trying to intrude on the space she asked for but im sure she still checks her email so maybe she just needs some reassurance about your relationship

[StartingAgain]

When a woman says "i need space" what she is saying is "I'm finished with this relationship." Some women will come in here and say I'm wrong about this, and there well may be a woman who nmeans what she says when she says "I need space," but every woman I've ever heard this from and every man I've ever know who has heard this from the woman in his life, was finished. It's one of the ways they sugar-coat dumping you. (men do similar things ladies, so there's no need to flame me.)

 

She's pursuing her ex-boyfriend. Consider yourself lucky this happeend now and not years from now when you were married.

 

I know this hurts, but really, if all it took for her to throw your relationship away was an old boyfriend, you're better off without her in your life. Obviously, she isn't ready for a committed relationship.

[cuteamidy]

i still think you should talk first cause it could be she does love you and just has a feeling for the ex that she is unsure of and maybe that is why she needs her space just make sure you know facts before you decide to end it or move on with her

[faux]

Originally posted by Aries Guy

Hi everyone. I am 33, she is 34. We're great together, and have been ever since day one when we met, about 8 months ago. Everywhere we go we are told how awesome a couple we make. Her friends, my friends, family, everyone agrees it's a great match. When I am with her it's like the whole world is alright. She has always said that she feels the same.

 

It never comes down to what her friends or family think of you, whether it be horrible or good. What matters most is how she feels, and despite the fact that you state she feels the same way, she is asking for "space", which is never a good thing.

 

It took us a couple months to discuss marriage, and we both agreed it is what we want to do. However, since it is a bit of a long-distance relationship (live about 2 hour drive apart), we've had to work out a way to be together first, and then get married. We both have good jobs where we are, and we don't want to leave them without knowing about the prospect of a new job. Ok anyway the point is we haven't got married yet or made much plans for it due to these circumstances, but we did agree to it.

 

If you mean that you were in a relationship only a couple of months, and you brought up marriage, I would think that is a bit too soon. If you did not make any future plans concerning marriage, and you do not yet live together to see how that works out, then marriage has not been "agreed to". Again, since she is wanting "space", I do not believe it is wise to insist to yourself that she definitely wishes to marry you in the future.

 

Well last weekend, she declared that she needs space to herself for an indefinite period of time to work out some issues before we continue down the path towards a committed relationship. This is, to me, like an earthquake occurring suddenly on what was always very stable ground.

 

So then, the relationship has ended by her choice. It is unfair to ask another person to wait around for you when you are no longer interested in the relationship, so I suggest you try to put it on the back burner and focus on yourself. I see her thinking that she is unsure of the relationship, and is now ending it, yet being disrespectful in asking you to wait around while you are strung around with your feelings.

 

She told me that an ex of hers from long ago (about 8 years since they last broke up) had called her on the Friday night saying he still loves her. Then on Sunday she says she felt depressed all day. And finally, on the following Tuesday morning is when she told me she needs space to think about things.

 

Eight years ago, and needs space? The "needing space" is simply another, horrible and unclear way to say "This relationship is over". If she was certain she wanted to get married to you in the future, and was very happy with how things were going, she would not be having second thoughts, and she would as well not stop to think about an ex from eight years ago. I also believe she would have the decency to be honest with you about her feelings, and not string you around.

 

I accepted this, yet I haven't heard from her since then and it is starting to drive me crazy.

 

I would say the relationship is over, and the sooner you begin to look at the situation as "over", the better off you shall become in time. If she has not contacted you I would definitely say things are done with.

 

We used to talk nearly every day, on the phone, or just sending email (since it is long-distance). Also, any day off that I had or she had, we would usually run right off to visit the other person. But now we haven't talked for going on 6 days now and I just don't like it. I have always been open to her and understanding, and have let her know she can talk to me about anything at all. Yet I guess she doesn't want to talk, or can't talk. I really don't know now. Any advice/ideas?

 

Things are done with, and she definitely is not being honest or open with you in this situation. For the time being she has decided that what you two had, or were working toward, was not what she wanted. It is unfair for you to wait around, and it is disrespectful for her to be giving you that horrible "need space" crud of an excuse.

[StartingAgain]

except for the sake of completeness, I take issue with one thing. You wrote:

 

...and you do not yet live together to see how that works out...

 

I once thought the same thing. Live together first to see how it works out. If it works well while living together, then the marriage has a higher chance for success. Imagine my surprise when I read a new study recently that proves this is a false assumption. The researchers followed a representative sample of couples for 10 years. Some of these couples lived together before marrying, the others did not. All couples stated that they intended to eventually marry. Those who broke up prior to marriage were elimated from the study. The results: the divorce rate for those couples who lived together before marrying was nearly twice as high as that for those who did not. Conclusion: living together first lowers you chance for a successful marriage. The authors speculate that the reason for this finding is that couples who live together first may see some potential problems that they fear will cause the relationship to fail. Further it is possible that those who choose to cohabitate first may not be as committed to one another as those who marry without prior cohabitation. Finally, the psychology of cohabitation is remarkably different from that of marriage. (it really is -- I've done both.)

 

They must be onto something. People have been trying this idea now for many years, yet the divorce rate has not fallen. So successful cohabitation before marriage cannot be a good indicator of marital success.

[moimeme]

She's pursuing her ex-boyfriend

 

Or maybe she's just making sure she's over him. I once went out with a fellow who had been married. Before we went out, he took a trip back to see the ex. He wanted to be sure he was over her. I thought that was great. If somebody's going to choose me, then by all means he should be sure that it is really me he wants over other people.

 

Now, having said that, it shouldn't take her too long to sort it out. More than a week might mean that she really was missing the other guy. Or maybe they'll spend enough time together for her to realize why they never would have worked out in the first place.

 

Imagine my surprise when I read a new study recently that proves this is a false assumption.

 

The study you cite and ones like it have been widely criticized because that a couple remains married is no indicator of the success of the relationship or the happiness of the marriage. In fact, those who did not live together first and remain married are most likely to be religious types who refuse to consider divorce, no matter how horrible the relationship.

 

I think a couple should live together prior to marriage, NOT because it will ensure a happy marriage but because it may prevent a bad one. I lived with two 'possibles' and saved myself two disastrous relationships. I know of couples who went out for a long time but only discovered their true incompatibility when they lived together. I put it to you that the divorce rate would be 80% or maybe even 90% if nobody lived together before marriage.

[Aries Guy]

When a woman says "i need space" what she is saying is "I'm finished with this relationship."

 

I think this is way too over-generalized. I realize you could very well be right in my situation. But you could also very well be wrong. It could simply be a commitment phobia, and she wants to be sure (for the both of us) that she's ready to take the plunge. If that is it, ok I accept that.

 

The problem for me at this time is, that I simply don't know one way or the other what is really going on. Also, one inescapable conclusion is that this is definitely a major disappointment for me and something which I will now have to take into consideration as to whether or not I want to be in the relationship. It really really (really) sucks to have to say that, but what other conclusion can I make? Do I really want to be with someone that out of the blue puts up a big Stop sign in front of my face and asks that our relationship be given a Time-Out?

 

Well all I can do now is wait and see what this period of space from each other will do for her. Thanks everyone for the insight. It is helpful.

[StartingAgain]

Moimeme, the paper was given me by a friend who is a psychotherapist for 30 years. She says that she's not so sure of the reasons, but successful prior cohabitation is not a good indicator of whether or not a couple will remain married. She says shes never kept hard stats on it, but that the paper is correct that the divorce rate is higher in couples who cohabitate.

 

But let me tell you something positive she also told me. If a couple comes to her with problems and both of them really dedicate themselves to the process, she has a 100% success rate. She says there is no such thing as a marital problem that cannot be overcome. The failures, she says, are the result of one or the other refusing to do the work.

 

Aries Guy, those of us who have been there know what this means. I really do hope that your lady proves me wrong. I want to be wrong on this one. You're doing exactly what you should do: giving her her space. If this is going to work, it's because you care enough for her to do as she asks. Keeping those fingers crossed for you!

[milla]

I like the emailing idea. Email her and tell her that you still love her and hope she feels the same. Ask her to call you for a chat if she feels up to it. It sounds like you're deeply infatuated with her and maybe it's too much pressure for her and now with this ex calling her making all these passionate declarations, she might be confused. I say this because I'm an Aquarian female and we Aquarians are flighty commitment-phobes, there really are women out there who say they need space and actually mean it! They're Aquarians! I don't know what her sign is and really that is irrelevant, but my point is she may be overwhelmed and maybe you've worn your heart on your sleeve a little too much and she has backed off because it's moving too fast for her.

 

Sometimes you need a break to gain perspective.

 

Anyway, I say email her, keep it light hearted, but reassuring... she might really want some sign that you still care, but the last thing you want to do is pressure her or invade the space she has requested.

 

If even more time passes and she hasn't called or emailed for several weeks, I would say call her, ask her to explain and cut your losses. It'll hurt, but if this really is a tactic to dump you then she is weak and mean, and you deserve to be told that she doesn't want to be with you anymore.

 

Just my opinion.

[Good2Go]

If she didn't settle her issues with guy #1 before beginning a relationship with you, she's too unstable to worry about. Women like that can be married with kids and still be confused about some damn guy who dumped them in gym class a decade earlier.

 

You can make excuses and chase her if you want to, but your wasting your time.

[Brattywun]

It might feel terribly painful to hear those words, "I need some space", but we must understand women a bit better. They will always be a bit enigmatic to us men, but there are a few things that are finally clear to me...

 

Women like men that are cocky, which boils down to the amount of confidence you have. And they like to be continually entertained, so being funny is the other powerful additive to this mix.

 

Now to the case at hand. When a man shows a lack of ability to entertain the woman, then something terrible happens either after a few months or whenever. They get comfortable, and maybe a little bored with the relationship. The "spice" has vanished to them. Then when another option arises, it becomes enticing to them. Whether you are married, or just dating, they have this automatic urge to be entertained by the other options.

 

I would not give up on her. However, I'd use the two steps closer, one step back method. Get close, which you did, then step away. Then close again and step farther away. Then watch how she begins to crave you. Its simple chemistry that takes place. You had her once, she got bored, another option entered the mix and then she became confused.

 

I'm hoping that she saw that you and she were a great match at some point. With this in mind, you should rest comfortably in knowing that her heart remembers this. But use time to your advantage by not chasing or smothering her. Your heart may be in pain, but do your best to keep your space so that she can juggle her heart strings a bit. I like what other writers have written about just emailing or text messaging. But keep these short and sweet, throwing a cocky attitude will be the thing that can send her heart into the craziness she desires. Don't mention anything about her "other" man. Just say something cute and cocky. Something she can't help but to laugh at. Then you will be pulling those heart stings in ways that even she won't be able to understand.

 

Best of luck, and try to make this breakup fun! She will appreciate it and you will too. Trust me, this really works. Or has with me. The best way to lose woman is to smother her and be boring, just do the opposite and you will see the magic!