ending my relationship with my fiancee. i need advice please.

[the_daminal]

I am trying to break up with my fiancee. The very abridged version of this, as my last post obviously never went through , is that i love my fiancee, very much. i dont want to hurt her. we have been together for 2 1/2 years, and we got engaged after 1 month, when i gave her a ring with the intent of a promise ring, but she took it as an engagement ring, and i guess i went along with it, not to hurt her.

 

5 days ago, some off-hand comments were made by her, 3 to be specific, and all of them dealt with not getting married, for some reason or another. additionally, 5 days ago, i met a girl, with whom i have talked to for a few months, and is the sister-in-law of one of my best friends.

 

when i met the sis-in-law, for this first time, 5 days ago, (we had previously talked online), i felt something that i had never felt before. i dont' know what it was honestly, but it made me feel happy, and warm, like i had never experienced before. i felt like i could give up my world, to have a chance at hers.

 

well, i felt like a total ass for thinking like this, considering i am engaged and all, but i started to feel like something was obviously wrong with my relationship now, if i'm feeling this way. i combated that, thinking that i was forcing myself to think that way, but if i was forcing myself, why was i doing it?

 

no matter what was going on though, i decided that talking with my fiancee was the best route, because something was obviously wrong. i told her that i had an empty spot inside and that i had to figure out how to fix it, that it was something i had to do alone, because no one would be able to fix it but me. She seemed to understand, and she shed a few tears. I told her that all i wanted right now was to be friends, and that i needed time alone. she said that was fine, to call if i ever needed anything, and to keep my options open. I told her to keep hers open too, and with that, i left, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.

 

so it was all done.

 

well, i was wrong, thinking that it would be done that easily.

 

a few hours later, she calls me, telling me how wrong i am to say that i want to spend my life with someone and then back out. She also tells me that what i need is someone to help me through it, and that pushing her away was not the answer. She told me that she didnt' want to, or couldnt' live without me, that she wanted to be my wife. for some reason, i believed this, and told her i was sorry, and that i took back what i had earlier said. This, i believe was a rather large mistake. I caved in.

 

i went to sleep last night, thinking that i had finally come to an answer, and that these last 5 days of utter hell had finally ended. However, i woke up this morning with the same old sick feeling (yes, i've been pretty sick for 5 days. i've been throwing up a few times everyday and i've had very runny bowel movements, all because of the stress of this.) I realize that i can't just make this go away over night, and that it will hurt.

 

I never wanted to hurt my fiancee. I still love her, but i feel that both she and I can be happier apart. Don't get me wrong though, we have a great relationship. we hardly ever fight (by that i mean like 3 fights ever), and we get along great. But, i only have 1 life to live. i have to make my choices wisely. Should i persue what i know has made me happier than i have ever been? or should i stay where i am, in a safe relationship, that i may end up hurting for later on, with more responsibility involved? There is a saying that goes "The brave may not live forever, but the cautious never truly live." And for now, im using that saying as a comforter.

 

please, give me some insight. i know this is a confusing situation, but i can't deal with it any longer.

 

as a side note, she does not know about the other girl, or my feelings for her. I assumed that since this is already hard, the knowledge of another girl would be even harder, and i do not want her to hurt herself.

 

as another side note, before i met the other girl, i knew that i would like her like this, from talking to her, and getting to know her.

[meanon]

we got engaged after 1 month, when i gave her a ring with the intent of a promise ring, but she took it as an engagement ring, and i guess i went along with it, not to hurt her.

 

Fear of hurting someone you care about has got you in this position. It has led to you hurting her more than if you had been honest in the first place.

 

Break up with your fiancee. Just do it. Tell her the truth, it may hurt but she will see the situation for what it is and accept it as she did not accept your attempts at evasion before. If you are seriously concerned she will harm herself then stay with her and get help.

 

You say you love her and I'm sure you care for her but not in the sense that people usually feel when they want to get married. You describe being with her as being safe and not truly living. You would be happier apart, you are physically unwell at the prospect of remaining with her for life. Why are you still considering marriage? More fear of hurting her? In the long run she will be much more hurt if you marry. It won't last. What has she done to deserve such a reluctant husband? You both deserve more than this. If you tell her you love her then you owe it to her to make it clear you can not foresee loving her as a husband. The mixed messages are not doing her any good.

 

as another side note, before i met the other girl, i knew that i would like her like this, from talking to her, and getting to know her.

 

This sounds very much like you were almost willing yourself to fall for her. Is it possible that she is your means of escape? Maybe once your engagement is over the attraction will not be so powerful. It may well be best to spend some time alone before starting a new relationship, to be sure of your feelings and begin from a position of strength.

[Thinkalot]

meanon's advice is spot on. Be honest, it's the best and fairest things you can do right now. And do not jump into anything else too quickly.

 

Good luck.

[Debster]

I agree with meanon and thinkalot.

 

It will be hard to tell her and hurt her, but it is much better than the hurt she would have felt had the marriage not worked out.

 

Good luck.

[CurlyIam]

I hope you realize that the new girl isn't the problem. The problem is that you do not want to marry her, never had the intention and only played along for you were afraid to hurt you fiancée. Let me tell you that a girl always knows. She knew about your hesitations - or at least felt it. Every woman does. But she pushed your arm.Like she did when she made you take her back.

 

This is not a woman to allow you the time to decide, or to think of what you want. You must decide. And it seems that you did.

 

It will be hard to tell her "no" again, but it is not totally unexpected. You will be so dissapointed to see that actually this time of indecision and of thinking of her hurt feelings are causing you a bigger pain than actually doing it.

 

But do it, and do it fast. It will be so much easier for both of you. Than you'll be free to pursue the girl you like, should you still feel like it. It's a big part of your life and you are ending it. But you'll be allright, you're doing the right thing, you must believe this 100% !

[sportsloving]

I agree that the second girl isn't of any real consideration in this situation. If anything, you can use her as your wake up call.

 

You were not able to fully commit to your girlfriend when you "proposed" saying it was a promise ring, not engagement. She pushed, you followed and now you are ill and heart sick.

 

The best thing to do is break it off cleanly and quickly with your girl. Tell her that the problem is not with her, as your relationship was great, safe and comfortable but that you do not love her in the respect that one should to be marrying.

 

Any woman who truly cares about you is going to understand that it was a hard and difficult decision to make, and that you were looking to the future for both of you. It is much easier for you to speak your heart now than to wait til after the "I do" and end up in divorce.

 

I do wish you luck, and please give yourself some time before you decide to see or date anyone, including the second lady.

 

Best wishes for you, and all involved

[jmargel]

You were emotionally cheating on your fiancee with this 'girl' online. I can guanatee you that MOST people on the net lie in some ways or another. I bet the chick you are talking to online doesn't know you are engaged. Do your fiancee a favor and break up with her. She deserves someone who is kind, respectful, trustful & loving. All the things you AREN'T.

 

I hope you get what is coming to you. I would never leave my fiancee for some chick online. Flirting online while being taken is just wrong to start with. You won't get any sympathy out of me.

[sally1530]

Exactly!

 

You wont get any simpathy from me either. My ex-fiance emotionally cheated on our relationship and was on the interent looking for sex from women our entire 14 month relationship, including our 5 month engagement. I caught him and he had nothing to say except that something was missing in our relationship, well that would have been his honesty, loyaity and respect for me while in a exclusive dating relationship and engagement. If your not going to put 100% into the relationship, then it will never work! You cant have your cake and eat it too... well not for very long!!!

 

I feel sorry for your ex-finace... sorry she was betrayed and had wasted so much time and love on you. You didnt deservce it because you couldnt be honest and up front with her from the start. Thats the foundation of any sucessful relationship.

[MeganTx]

jmargel - how refreshing to hear how devoted you are to your girlfriend. So many men "emotionally cheat" online whether it's chat rooms, viewing porn, etc. Girlfriends and wives are left devistated because these guys spend more time and energy feeding their horny egos instead of being faithful and loyal to their partners.

 

If men would stop searching for sex thrills and focus on the women that are right there at their side waiting to love them I think there'd be less people posting on these boards at night!

 

My ex cheated mentally on me and although I was deeply in love with him, I felt disrespected and devalued. I dumped him. Don't want him back and don't want to be with a man who's a cad who flirts and plays online in chat rooms. It ain't right.

[jmargel]

Thank you Megan,

 

I do truly love her, and have no need to look elsewhere. For any guys who are in a relationship and look to flirt with others, ask yourself is it worth the risk? Is it worth waking upto no one beside you because she left.

 

I always believe in 'wanting what you have', not what you don't have. I couldn't imagine my life without my fiancee (getting married in August ) It's not because I'm co-dependant or anything like that. It's because I love her with all of my heart & soul.

[amerikajin]

Relationships are ultimately predicated on honesty. When you knowingly gave your girlfriend the impression that you were okay with the promise ring as a substitute for an engagement ring, you basically lied.

 

Now honestly, I believe you when you say that you didn't mean to hurt her. I think you're just one of these people who isn't strong enough to tell someone what they don't want to hear, and to be honest, I used to have that problem myself.

 

Well I'm here to tell ya, son: snap out of it. Get a spine. Never hide from the truth, because even if the truth hurts, covering up the truth will only hurt more in the long run.

 

The best time to start telling the truth is now. The only thing you really need to tell her is that there's no future between you two and that it's best to move on.