LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hi, I have been reading and following LS for a while now. I thought it might help me a little if I decided to keep a journal over the coming days and weeks. Today is my day 2 of NC after several weeks, months of failed attempts. I couldn't face work today. I was scared to let my work colleagues see my puffy, tired eyes. I called in sick. I think I need some medical help. I have actually called and made an appointment to speak to someone. It's in a few weeks time. At the moment it's about getting through the day, trying to focus on me and figuring out in my head why I let a MM so fully consume me. He tried to leave. I know. Never been able to walk out the door and leave his little girl behind. I think I thought he just needed time. I was wrong, it's not that he didn't love me enough. It's that he would not leave his girl. He too is broken hearted. He will get over it. Learn once again to focus on his wife and family. I am left to pick up the pieces. Broken hearted. It's got to be about me now. It's no longer about him. That is what all the posts here say. Focus on you. Forget about him. Learn to love yourself. Be kind to yourself etc etc. but what if you just want to hind under the covers and cry till your eyes hurt. I actually physically ache. He works for the same company. I have moved projects. That took strength and was against his wishes. He tells me he needs me. Does not want to let me go. Won't leave his home though. Won't leave his girl. Seems like I am stuck on a roundabout. Round and round and round. Can't get off. Waiting, waiting. I have read enough posts, looking for other people in pain, reading other similar stories. We were not special or unique. MM cause pain. They belong to others, never to give themselves fully. You can't imagine the pain unless you live it. But it's not special, it'll wont end well. There is no happy ending here.. Link to post Share on other sites
DuchessKaye Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hi, I have been reading and following LS for a while now. I thought it might help me a little if I decided to keep a journal over the coming days and weeks. Today is my day 2 of NC after several weeks, months of failed attempts. I couldn't face work today. I was scared to let my work colleagues see my puffy, tired eyes. I called in sick. I think I need some medical help. I have actually called and made an appointment to speak to someone. It's in a few weeks time. At the moment it's about getting through the day, trying to focus on me and figuring out in my head why I let a MM so fully consume me. He tried to leave. I know. Never been able to walk out the door and leave his little girl behind. I think I thought he just needed time. I was wrong, it's not that he didn't love me enough. It's that he would not leave his girl. He too is broken hearted. He will get over it. Learn once again to focus on his wife and family. I am left to pick up the pieces. Broken hearted. It's got to be about me now. It's no longer about him. That is what all the posts here say. Focus on you. Forget about him. Learn to love yourself. Be kind to yourself etc etc. but what if you just want to hind under the covers and cry till your eyes hurt. I actually physically ache. He works for the same company. I have moved projects. That took strength and was against his wishes. He tells me he needs me. Does not want to let me go. Won't leave his home though. Won't leave his girl. Seems like I am stuck on a roundabout. Round and round and round. Can't get off. Waiting, waiting. I have read enough posts, looking for other people in pain, reading other similar stories. We were not special or unique. MM cause pain. They belong to others, never to give themselves fully. You can't imagine the pain unless you live it. But it's not special, it'll wont end well. There is no happy ending here.. Long rant. You must be pretty exhausted by now. Anyway, hang on. Everything will be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 You say you need medical help, so please pursue that. Some people are helped by medication. Usually NC is helps a lot, IC can help, and purposely finding (or refinding) new activities to enjoy. Nothing may seem enjoyable now, but if you have activities that you know you used to enjoy and make the effort to re-engage in them, that typically helps a lot. For many, the symptoms are like withdrawal to an addiction and it is step by step, respecting NC, slowly re-engaging in other activities, with friends and family, until one again finds joy in these. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 You know.. I am physically and totally exhausted. Thank you for your reply. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 along with therapy, I suggest going to womens slaa. there are probably some deeper issues/patterns at play and the women there can assist you. stay away from mens meetings for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Winlove, thank you for your post. It's a huge step to ask for help. It's taken me a long time. I wish I could force myself out there. At the moment I just can't seem to. Can't imagine finding joy in anything at the moment, bit it does make me smile to think that one day it might happen! Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 What do you mean , "won't leave his little girl"? Is he not entitled to see his child because he gets a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 He's not willing to be anything other than a full time dad. Part time is not an option for him. He won't leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 I'm sorry but I just can't understand that logic. If you aren't in a happy enviroment, then how much good are you to your child anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Skywriter I agree with you. He had made up his mind. He's had plenty of time to think about it. I can't and wouldnt want to change his mind. I have spoken to him about the fact that the child must know or will grow up to know that her mummy and daddy are miserable. It's his choice. I hope he can focus on his marriage now. I do want him to be happy. I love him. He wants to stay with his child. He needs to let me go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hi jphcbpa, your suggestion about slaa thing scares me. I had to google to see what it was! And there is a group in my area but although I loved the intimacy with him, it was never about the sex. Intimacy, friendship and support I guess. It's why it so hard to move on. Never thought of myself as a sex addict though! Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hi jphcbpa, your suggestion about slaa thing scares me. I had to google to see what it was! And there is a group in my area but although I loved the intimacy with him, it was never about the sex. Intimacy, friendship and support I guess. It's why it so hard to move on. Never thought of myself as a sex addict though! There probably is something to understand why you chose to try to find intimacy with a MM. IC can help with this too. Although in some cases, it just takes years of living to understand. That was my case, as I was just selfish and didn't have much empathy for others, so it was easy for me not to think about the BW or MM's children and what deception was being played out on his family. It took a lot more living for me to connect more fully to others and feel differently about this. For you, I'd say the most important right now is to do what is needed to get out of the stay-in-bed-type misery, stick to NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Hi Lady... I am sorry for your pain. I've been there... cried so much until my eyes were raw. It will take time, but it will get better. You did the right thing. He can't leave, and you can't stay. Its a hard situation, I know. I am so sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Woinlove, thank you for your post. I know that NC is the way. It's heartbreaking though. I have emails going back over a year now (almost for the full time of our relationship) telling him we must stop. I havent ever had anyone love me with such passion. He wouldn't leave me alone, preferring any scrap of contact to none. Not quite getting at the fact that I couldn't and wouldn't be his friend cause it was better than nothing. On Monday I finally told him he had to stop emailing me. Hadn't seen him for weeks before that. He was surprised and sad. I am not used to the silence which has come since. I know MM get a bad wrap here, so to do the OW- he, for valid reasons. But my MM was not a bad person. Its just that we fell in love and now we must get on with the rest of our lives without each other. I also know on this site everyone has heard the same story a million times.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Wannabdone, yes. That's it exactly. He can't leave and I can't stay. Thank you for understanding. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Woinlove, thank you for your post. I know that NC is the way. It's heartbreaking though. I have emails going back over a year now (almost for the full time of our relationship) telling him we must stop. I havent ever had anyone love me with such passion. He wouldn't leave me alone, preferring any scrap of contact to none. Not quite getting at the fact that I couldn't and wouldn't be his friend cause it was better than nothing. On Monday I finally told him he had to stop emailing me. Hadn't seen him for weeks before that. He was surprised and sad. I am not used to the silence which has come since. I know MM get a bad wrap here, so to do the OW- he, for valid reasons. But my MM was not a bad person. Its just that we fell in love and now we must get on with the rest of our lives without each other. I also know on this site everyone has heard the same story a million times.. I don't go for the good/bad person labels, but I do think it is useful to recognize bad behavior, because that is a necessary part of learning to treat ourselves and others well. The passion with which MM can pursue is indeed heady. I think part of that is they have an M and so when they find a woman willing to accept their advances, they still have the "protection" of their M from the OW expecting too much. Also, they obviously are engaged in high risk behavior in engaging in a secret A and a lot of adrenaline is generated through that alone and funnelled through romantic actions can create quite a high for both involved. Having raised young children myself, I can't imagine funnelling my energies into a secret affair during those years -- coming home and looking at their innocent faces. Unless a MM can really compartmentalize, and I guess some do that quite well, affairs usually occupy a lot of one's thoughts while they are going on. Thus, I expect one misses the full joy of experiencing the world through the eye's of one's young children that parents enjoy when they live an authentic life and can come to their children without guilt and internal conflict in their hearts. Anyway, that is his cross to bear - but you still might benefit from thinking of which behavior is worthy of emulating and which is not. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Wannabdone, yes. That's it exactly. He can't leave and I can't stay. Thank you for understanding. Of course... anytime! I know how hard this is.... its like a death. But I do promise you.... it will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Woinlove. You talk a lot of sense. I too often wonder how he could split his life between what we shared and then go home and be dad to such a young and innocent wee thing who demands constant love and attention. Two worlds I guess.. I have never had to compartmentalise in the way he did. You are right, it is his cross now to bear. I always knew what we were doing was wrong. The fact I let it happen and then continue the A all these months means I suppose I didnt care enough. Selfish. Yes. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would have allowed myself to be in this situation. You have given me lots to think about and I will come back to your posts again and again I know, so thank you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 You know.. I am physically and totally exhausted. Thank you for your reply. Can't sleep? Tell your doc. to get you some Lorazepam. Kills the anxiety and stress which will allow your mind to rest and fall asleep like a baby; just don't take it everyday for three weeks straight because you might develop psychological dependency. Link to post Share on other sites
Fitz Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 He tried to leave. I know. Never been able to walk out the door and leave his little girl behind. I think I thought he just needed time. I was wrong, it's not that he didn't love me enough. It's that he would not leave his girl. Excuses, excuses... Sure, it helps your ego to believe the problem is behind his love for his daughter. But the reality is that this is another excuse. The reality is that he is exhibiting selfish behavior by having a relationship with both you and his wife. Its great for him. But its a cage for you. But make no mistake: He chose his WIFE over you. Not his daughter. His WIFE! If someone loves you, then they will want to be with you. And that's it! Married couples with children get divorced every day and yet still are able to maintain healthy relationships with their children. Remember how Tom Cruise went on Oprah and jumped on a couch for Katie Holmes? And he had kids from a prior marriage too! But did that keep him from his true love? If someone really loves you, then they shouldn't be afraid to proclaim it. Accept the truth. He has chosen his WIFE over you. Not his daughter. But his WIFE. Once you accept this truth, then you can accept the true nature of your relationship with this MM. See it for what it really was. See through the fog. Only then will you be able to let go of this relationship. And that's how your pain will end. By not accepting any more excuses. And by only accepting the truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Yes Fitz. He chose his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Yes Fitz. He chose his wife. Lady, I know it seems like your getting your nose rubbed in it. Thats not what was intended. Its just things you will start seeing along the way as you get further into your NC. You will start seeing how things don't add up to be what was told to you. Its just when your away from it and not in the "fog" you can start thinking logically. And trust me, being able to think logically again is wonderful. You can do this!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 Wannabdone, it's ok. The thing is that Fitz is right. Yes. He chose his wife and child and his family over a life with me. I cannot imagine how hard it is to walk away from a house and family and entire life. I am not trying to make excuses for him. I just think its not easy. Real life isn't really about the Tom Cruise jumping on sofa moments. Breaking up a family is a huge decision. I think Fitz point though that I need to get past the bull**** in order to start understanding reality is fair enough. Difficult though it is to hear.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kaityjane Posted April 25, 2012 Share Posted April 25, 2012 Now I know why you understand my post. Of course you do, you're going through the same thing, at the same time. My MM was the same in that way, leaving his children seemed to stop him in his tracks. Amongst other things. Of course, he says his marriage isn't what keeps him there, but I know differently. Its a life he's created, and as good a thing as we had, it wasn't enough. Its seems unimaginable right now, I know. Not having him in your life. But somewhere we know we need, and are worth more, than this. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyLost Posted April 25, 2012 Author Share Posted April 25, 2012 I think my xMM ( which is what he is now i guess), planned dreamed and wanted at various points to leave. And the end of the day, just couldn't. Wouldn't. We have been sucked into that dream. Hoped and prayed it would happen and our wonderful new lives would begin. It was not to be. These men are not strong enough. Heads buried. Rightly or wrongly, choices have been made. Clearly it was never meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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