Scared and sad

[woinlove]

I cry.......I made it all weekend with NC......he has stopped emailing as well. He makes his comments here at work but says he will learn to accept it. I cry some more. I couldn't get out of bed all weekend. Had no interest in much. It hurts. I hurt. I feel like there's no reason to get up. I feel utterly and completely alone and destroyed. I feel like I will be alone forever. i have no hope and no confidence in anything. I want to shut down so I feel nothing , but I cannot stop the thoughts. The need to understand how anyone can claim all those things, say all those things and then...well we all know the game. I too am in the middle of a meltdown that has become noticeable by everyone around me. I work, go home and climb into bed. If I get an hours sleep I am lucky. I read these posts and try to use them to make me angry so I don't feel the pain. I try to say to myself, one day at a time. I have isolated myself. I just cant bring myself to do anything. I lost my friends along time ago when I was going through my divorce and trying to keep my "secret". I feel for you and I keep hoping if others can survive this I will too. The pain seems endless and seeing him every day is like having my heart ripped out over and over. But, I dont have him either way. I just want to stop wondering about his every move, what he is asking what he is doing with his family. I want to stop spending every moment thinking of him. Trust me I try but to no avail. I am trying to be strong through this site and everyone on it.

 

I am not sure what is going to happen with me. I have lost control of everything. One day at a time. If I can just cry a little less I will consider it a better day. But I know the pain. I feel it too. I am pulling for you.

 

I guess it sounds stupid, but if others can do this and not die(because it feels like I have) I will survive too. So I keep telling myself. Thanks for asking. keep me posted please.

 

((Fallen)) You describe the feelings of depression and despair that often accompany heartbreak so well, it is so sad. I don't know what to say, other than the usual advice of seeing a doctor and/or a counsellor if you need help, any activity that you can drag yourself up to do that used to bring you pleasure in the past will likely be a positive and bring some moments of relief, even if not right away. Sometimes we just have to remind ourself that we will survive these awful feelings and they will pass and I see you are doing that. Even that thought can help. I hope you see some relief all this hurt soon.

[fallen16]

I spent a good part of my Saturday staring at a bottle of sleeping pills. I sooooo desperately wanted to sleep and not cry anymore. I so desperately wanted to stop the incessant thoughts. Every part of me aches. I have no energy. I have made an appointment with the doctor. I know he thinks I am depressed. I tried antidepressants a year ago when i tried to end the A then, but I hated the way they made me feel. He recommended counselling but the cost was out of my budget. I just couldnt do it. My divorce was messy but it didnt hurt this badly. I am trying to drag myself up from the hole I am in. I need my job, my children need me so weekdays I drag myself into work as I have to. Its weekends that scare me. This site has helped. if I hadn't found it I am not sure exactly where I would be right now.

 

I do want to thank everyone. Reading the posts over and over does help somewhat.

Edited May 14, 2012 by fallen16

[LadyLost]

Fallen. Please don't give up. Go and see the doctor tomorrow. There are lots of different medicines you can take. You can feel better without the side affects.

 

Do you have someone who you can talk to? I have found at my lowest point that talking is very therapeutic! or post here if you need to share. You are not alone.

 

You can do this. Look how strong you have been to get this far.

He is not worth this. You are worth so much more. When you are feeling so low it's not possible to see, but you must believe it.

 

Tomorrow is another day. You can do this. Do as woinlove says, seek help. Be kind and forgiving of yourself.

[Quiet Storm]

I think MM get a bad rap which is not always warranted. We all have an opinion about what an A is about but one can only truly comment on the one that they personally are in. Life isn't black and white, a lesson I learnt a lot more painfully than I would ever have imagined or that I'd have liked. Depending on the culture and/or experiences of an MM, the idea of not being a full time Dad is not an option no matter what problems they are having in their marriage. Some MM's and MW's that I know of wait until the children are older or in Varsity before walking out of their marriages if the situation is not either physically or psychologically abusive. For some staying in the marriage is about fulfilling your responsibilities and not necessarily about love. In some societies outside of the US, divorce is not an option for reasons that might make absolutely no sense to the rest of us, but that form a very real and important part of the people living in those societies.

 

It is very presumptuous of anyone to assume that they know the reason that every MM has an A or that every MM is only about being selfish and getting laid as someone mentioned above. In the same way not every OW is a golddigger, sex addict, love addict or just fundamentally damaged. There are many OW's that are genuinely amazing women that never even remotely considered that a MM would ever form a part of their lives but for one reason or another find themselves in that situation. Its easy to stand in judgement of people having an A and impose on them our ideas of what we believe to be the only reasons this could happen but we forget one very important thing about the human condition - we all make mistakes. Even genuinely good people get caught up and do not very good things. No one is perfect.

 

LoveLost, only you know whether or not your MM loves/loved you and if you know that he did and that he was honest with you then hold on to that knowledge as you heal because it can make it easier to heal. If on the other hand your gut tells you that he was using you and taking advantage of you, then accept that and work on healing. The rest of us can only postulate on his intentions based on our own personal experiences as we have no idea who he is. You have made the decision for NC for yourself because it is what you want and that is what will make your life better and more complete. I applaud you and hope that you get through the pain and start leading the life that you want and that truly fulfills you.

 

What many OW come to realize, eventually, is that his intentions don't really matter.

 

What matters is his actions. He is staying married. He could be happy. He could be miserable. He could be in love with OW. He could be in love with his wife. He could be confused. Whatever the reason, he is staying married. His commitment to his family, is more important to him than being with the OW. And although many MM spin it so that they seem noble (passing on love to honor their commitment), after months or years, OW eventually say "but what about me?" OW realize that they need and deserve more than his declarations of love. Affairs are often so focused on the married person and their dilemma, that the OWs feelings are minimized.

 

I have noticed for men, "love" isn't the end all, be all that is for many women. Men often see romance and love as a fun activity or distraction. It is not all consuming. It's not "once in a lifetime". They will enjoy it, but it's not necessary for them. "Love" is usually not important enough to change your life. Men are often more realistic about love, and realize that it's brain chemicals that will eventually wear off. So they don't really consider leaving the family for a feeling that's going to eventually fade anyway. They enjoy the romance while it lasts, but understand that it has an expiration date.

 

Many people confuse "love" as being defined as a feeling. Those feelings associated with it are just brain chemicals. Instead of looking at love as a feeling, look at as an action. You show "love" by doing caring things, by nurturing, by making an effort to please your partner, by encouraging and supporting and listening. Many MM, although they may feel those chemicals, seem to take those "love actions" from OW, much more than they give in return. They often encourage their OW to remain in an unhealthy situation. They often disregard the pain their OW feels.

 

Love, without the actions to back it up, is only words. Many OW eventually feel that this is not enough for them, and they must move on for their own well being.

[LadyLost]

Quiet Storm. I think if I can just get the distinction between words and action I will be half way there. Oh my goodness his emails are full of sadness, longing and love. They pull me in. They are so beautiful and talk of wonderful memories and tiny actions and fleeting feelings and thoughts. And as miserable as he is (and I genuinely believe I am not the only one struggling here), he remains a married man.

I am sad it is not meant to be, but also beginning to understand its over for a reason!

[LadyLost]

I stopped responding to his last couple of emails. He got upset and told me he has closed his account. He is actually acting like the wounded party. It's like we are in competition for who is the most miserable. Who is missing who more. At work today he was quiet and sullen, all of which draws attention. Of course it makes me sad. I didn't react though, I let him be silent.

Well, let him close down his account if that is what he needs to do. This is a healing process for us both. I think the empty inbox it's really painful for him too. I can no longer compete with his misery and live in our future faking past lives. He needs to deal with it himself. I have enough to cope with.

 

I am not sleeping well, so tired through the day and can't seem to force myself to the gym. I am relieved when the day is over and I can retreat, but I haven't had a really bad day since last week. Havent cried since the weekend and I feel... strangely calm.

[stillwater]

I stopped responding to his last couple of emails. He got upset and told me he has closed his account. He is actually acting like the wounded party. It's like we are in competition for who is the most miserable. Who is missing who more. At work today he was quiet and sullen, all of which draws attention. Of course it makes me sad. I didn't react though, I let him be silent.

Well, let him close down his account if that is what he needs to do. This is a healing process for us both. I think the empty inbox it's really painful for him too. I can no longer compete with his misery and live in our future faking past lives. He needs to deal with it himself. I have enough to cope with.

 

He sounds incredibly immature. If he's so upset about it, there's one simple thing he could do to make it all go away. (It may not be easy, but it is incredibly simple.) But that's never an option, is it? MW was the same way. Oh, you wanted to be with me this weekend? Well, I wasn't stopping you, so don't whine about it to me.

 

I'm glad things might be getting better for you!

[SoleMate]

Here on LS, we've seen that many of these MM, who "love their OW so much and want to leave, except they just can't because they can't bear to be a part-time dad", just days after the OW finally gets disgusted for the last time and dumps his cheating @$$.....the MM does not return with chastened gratitude to full-time faithful fatherhood, but instead hops right back on the Internet trolling for his next OW/victim.

 

So I rarely give much credence to the "can't be part-time father" line. It's just a convenient and noble(-sounding) excuse that is hard for the OW to counter.

 

Just think, if he really wanted to be a dedicated father, he probably wouldn't have the spare time to chase women. Every afternoon sex session could have been a sports event, board game or walk around the neighborhood with the kid.

[Tashcw]

Just think, if he really wanted to be a dedicated father, he probably wouldn't have the spare time to chase women. Every afternoon sex session could have been a sports event, board game or walk around the neighborhood with the kid.

 

I love this. It's so, so true, however I do know that kids pick up on unhappy marriages, so to me, being a dedicated father means working on your marriage, figuring out why it's going wrong and understanding, for your kid's sake, what there is to do about it.

 

It's sad that there's a generation of men who seem to have women who are 'on their wavelength' (i.e. career women / women they meet at work) available to them and are just too 'flip floppy' to do anything. I don't mind if people make mistakes, which often an affair is seen to be, but it's the men who don't rectify it afterwards.

 

LL - that is what annoys me about your man so much. He's made his decision yet he has no balls to go through with it and actually commit to his children via his marriage. From his perspective, he'll always be unhappy, never committing to what he's got, yet not committing to leave it either.

 

Fallen, regarding medication I really, really suggest you go back to your GP. Explain the problems you had before and ask if he can try you on something different. Or maybe even just sleeping tablets. It really, really does make a huge difference. Back off mine now (and have been for ages) but knowing that I'd fall asleep within 15 minutes at night made a huge, huge difference.

[heartinlove]

What many OW come to realize, eventually, is that his intentions don't really matter.

 

What matters is his actions. He is staying married. He could be happy. He could be miserable. He could be in love with OW. He could be in love with his wife. He could be confused. Whatever the reason, he is staying married. His commitment to his family, is more important to him than being with the OW. And although many MM spin it so that they seem noble (passing on love to honor their commitment), after months or years, OW eventually say "but what about me?" OW realize that they need and deserve more than his declarations of love. Affairs are often so focused on the married person and their dilemma, that the OWs feelings are minimized.

 

 

Love, without the actions to back it up, is only words. Many OW eventually feel that this is not enough for them, and they must move on for their own well being.

 

So well said. I think sometimes theres a lot of debate here about whether they love you or don't but does it really matter in the end. All affairs are unique and only the people in them really know if they are loved, but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is the actions chosen.

 

I really relate to what you said that it becomes all about the MM and his Situation and His Dilemma and the Ow's feelings are minimized compared to the pain of breaking up a family, because lets face it, it is very painful to break up a family, so that was well said. But all Ow come to a point where they realize life has to be about them too, It has to include their needs and their dreams of a whole life. Thats where Im at now. I doesn't matter how much I empathize with him, I need more for my life.

 

I so relate to so much said here. I relate to the weekends being so much harder than the weeks when I am able to connect with him. I relate to all the wondering, the suffering, the heartache of will we ever be together. I also feel the pain of not wanting him to break up his family because I don't want his family to be in that pain. What a freaking conundrum to have both of those feelings. Talk about conflict of emotions.

 

So to Lady Lost and Fallen you are doing the right thing and I wish you courage. You will get through this. It will get better. You are doing what you have to do and the only thing you can do, because staying in an affair is GUARANTEED PAIN. Anytime you get weak remember that. Staying where you are is guaranteed pain.

 

Dont torture yourself with what they are feeling, because no matter what they show, they go through their own suffering, usually when they feel we're gone for good. Being in an affair is the most painful thing I have ever done to myself, and I read these posts to give myself strength for the future, because I know that this affair Im in has an end date. He either leaves or I will leave. I know Im getting closer to being ready. My MM is an amazing man. I fell in love with my best friend, so I don't have alot of horror stories with him to help me move on. He is in love with me too, but scared to leave his family. But i know if he doesn't make a move to choose to leave his marriage, I will leave. I like myself too much for this kind of life. And I have a great and full life filled with amazing friends and family. At the end of the day we only have ourselves, and I will choose myself over suffering for love.

 

I wish you both the best. You will get through this, but know an affair is guaranteed pain and you have seen he cant leave his marriage. Doesnt matter the reason whether hes suffering or not, whether it was true love or not it doesn't matter. Hes not leaving his marriage and that leaves you with no choice. I read once "He cant leave and I cant stay". I liked that, it summed it up. Good luck to all of us in these pain riddled situations, because thats what they are. And I say coming from being in an affair where my MM has been very loving throughout but not able to leave, so I feel I have a better situation than most and yet I spend alot of time in pain. May we all move on to a more wholesome love.

[wellwhynot]

That is a very thoughtful and honest post Heartinlove. Thank you for sharing that, and it does bring up the point that even those of us in GOOD relationships do struggle.

 

This is never easy and not a route I'd ever encourage anyone to take. I can relate to your statement of makes perfect sense to me.

I fell in love with my best friend, so I don't have alot of horror stories with him to help me move on.

Whether my relationship with him will one day not be enough I don't know, what I do know is if it becomes a point where the pain outweighs the happiness I will walk away, so those who have done so have made the right choice and I empathize with their pain.

 

Ladylost, I can only imagine how hard it must be, but stay strong in your resolve. I'm glad that you seem to be making progress.

[sad puppy]

Hi everyone! In reading about everyone's very difficult emotions with regards to their leaving the MM, I encourage to reframe your thoughts. Honest to God, if you keep devoting your heartfelt emotions to the "pain you are/will suffer", you are setting your intention to the Universe. And suffer you shall.

 

How about focusing on the negative qualities of a MM that cheats? Yes, we all fell in love with our MM, however, that does not mean that he is a person of the utmost character and quality. You have to rip your blinders right off! Do it!

 

My affair lasted 1.5 years and then he left his home/marriage. For the next 4 months, he was messed up emotionally, ok, I get it. But I saw a weakness in him, where he was wishy washy, never taking the bull by the horns, he was sort of wallowing around in confusion while simultaneously, going out drinking all the time. Annoying to watch.

 

I started to observe his behavior not only when he was "separated" but when he had been living with wife and 2 kids - always going out! Ok, if you want to get away from your spouse but with 2 kids at home? Not cool.

 

Then I knew he had been having a very close emotional relationship with a woman friend where he shared all his intimate & private feelings with her about me & his wife. I started to put it together, no emotional boundaries. Strike 2. Actually, no, that was the STRIKEOUT for him.

 

Finally I left him/the relationship altogether on New Year's day. It is because I had had it! But, I had been observing his lifestyle, his inappropriate emotional stuff, not only with me, but with his "friend". I started to put together what I saw was an incredibly emotionally crippled person, who avoided conflict at all costs, who actually was not a good father in my estimation, and who's lifestyle (the constant drinking) I did not admire. I started to focus, focus, focus on all that. Now, haven't seen him, or talked to him, and quite frankly, as much as I loved him, do not want him in my life. He's a cheater, he's a liar, and he just didn't manage his life well. It took all this time to figure it out. Why? Because he's deceitful, that's why!

 

 

So, start focusing on what you want. Yes, I know, you want him. But, is he leaving? How long have you waited? You know you're making his life/marriage easier but continuing to adore him all the while he stays married, right? You get that? What about you? What about your needs? Desires? Your future life? Start thinking clearly, now!

 

Experts say if they don't make plans to depart marriage within 1 - 2 years of affair start, he's not leaving. Plain and simple. Give the ultimatum and be prepared to walk. They'll either leave the marriage or stay. Whichever, you cannot keep things going as they are as it is HURTING YOU! You are doing a great disservice to yourself. Stop the pain. Yes, it hurts, but trust me, you shall survive. You will never feel better until you stop & get out.

 

Reframe your attitude, start using a different paradigm to look at the affair. Start believing in yourself, start honoring your wishes, start creating the life you want & deserve. And that very well may mean walking away. The day you go NC is the first day to a new happiness in your life. You must believe that even if you don't feel that. You get one life, how much time are you going to devote to your cheating MM? Start focusing your energy in the right direction! I knew if he and I ever got married I could never trust him, why? Cuz I was his affair partner for 1.5 years! I don't ever want to be one of those spouses checking the guy's cellphone, checking his email, wondering where he is and who he's with. Never!

 

 

He and I DID have a great love but he blew it. He blew it by not acting like a grown up and taking charge of his life. Well that gave me enough time to see who he really was - just a lazy, cheating guy. So what if he left his marriage? I finally took the blinders off and marched away. I KNOW it was the right thing to do for me. But I couldn't have gotten to that point unless I started to see reality.

[LadyLost]

Heartinlove, there is a lot that I can relate to in your post. Enjoy your MM while you decide it's still where you want to be. I made a very conscious decision during the A to carry on and enjoy our time together. I always new it would end and I always knew it would be me to make the break. When the time is right you will know. Wellwhynot- it will be the same for you I know. You can't prepare yourself for the pain when it comes. It's something you need to live through and hopefully one day come out the other end.

 

I have been on antidepressants now for a week now and I have to say I felt better almost immediately. Is it possible to feel such a huge turnaround so soon after starting? I dont know, but I feel calmer than I have done in a very long, long time. No tears this week at all. Amazing.

 

We are still in contact and will be for another week until our project ends. So yes, I have broken NC and not got back on track yet, but I haven't broken my resolve. I will get back to NC soon, I know it's over and as Heartinlove said, at some point it needs to become about you. He is so miserable. But it's all words. All words and no action. Nothing has changed. I don't know what happens to me from here to be honest. I hope I can continue to take one day at a time.

[beyond]

Reading the last 6/7 posts new on this thread has really helped me tonight. So much good common sense!!!! Thank you.

 

LL, glad you are feeling a little better. My experience of anti depressants was a while ago - I was told they had a cumalative effect and could take up to 3 mths to kick in. But everyone is different and who cares why you are feeling better - just good that you are.

 

xx

[LadyLost]

Beyond, if you are having a bad day, just go and read your post from yesterday. You are doing it!

I made it to 10d NC before work got in the way. I remeber the feelings. But i also remember it gives you control back. Stick with it girl. I hope to get back on the NC pony one day soon and I hope I can be as strong as you.

[LadyLost]

Fallen, Did you go and see a Dr to try get some help?

I really hope you are ok.

[beyond]

I'm ok thanks LL, hormonal couple of days so know why I'm feeling like this! lol.

 

Even given that and the fact I'd had a couple of drinks the other night which usually heightens my emotions, I still was able to delete and not reply to his 'I love you' text.

 

Words just seem hollow now.

 

I think you will feel better when you are back on that 'pony' too.

 

You've done it before and you will do it again LL.

[beyond]

Just wondered how you are doing LL?

 

I think I can Private message now, but can't seem to be able to to message you, so may be doing it wrong!

 

Hope you are ok

 

xx