Scared and sad

[wannabdone]

I made it through one week. It's killing me though. Not so much that I feel at any time I might break and make contact.. More the frustration that I haven't heard from him. It makes me realise how much of the chasing he did. Right throughout our relationship. I know the silence is a good thing. There is no denying it...He's gone. He is getting on with his life and I must do the same. But I feel so low. It's exhausting.

I have a busy work week coming up. Will force me to focus on other things I guess. But I don't feel strong about anything right now. My duvet seems like a good place to hide. I am so tempted to take more sick days. I've had enough to be truthful. I am sad and lonely and Im just about done with it all. I feel really lonely right now. I would love to talk and laugh with him. God, I miss him. Arghhh. Yes. Ok. enough self pity yet?

 

You follow the motions. You try and interact. You take one day at a time and expect nothing from yourself except to get through another day. This diary is a record of how totally rock bottom I became. No, he can't make me happy. Yes, it had to end. No, I will never go back.. But it's just not clear how and when this total depression will lift for me. I can't feel anything right now. I am totally numb.

 

 

Omg... I know exactly how you feel. You hang in there!!! Hugs!!!!

[LadyLost]

Thanks wannabdone. One day I am sure I will look back at this period in my life and struggle to remember his name*

 

* I doubt that's EVER going to happen, but it's a nice thought and something to aim for!

[LadyLost]

Day 8 and I just feel angry. I feel so let down by him. Where the hell is he now? When I need him, when I want him. He is nowhere. He is silent and he is gone.

He is not a good person to have in my life. Where is he now with his promise of love and security and a future? He is at home, with his wife. He is at home TOGETHER with his wife. I sit here alone.

 

NC forces the truth. As low as I am, as depressed right now as I feel, the evidence is staring me in the face. He is not coming to get me. What a fool I have been to believe he ever would.

 

To others out there feeling like they cannot make the break. Would you rather continue with your head buried in the sand? Hoping, praying constantly making excuses for him?? I did. I still am, and yet here i am one week through NC. It is like a drug. It's bloody tough. There is no hiding from it now for me. There is no going back. I won't ever have to go through the last week again, this is my only comfort. It must only get better and easier. I am doing this because I must have more.

[jphcbpa]

hang in there...it gets a little better...I am on week 5.

[LadyLost]

Jphcbpa, thank you for your support. But really?? tell me a bit more. When did you actually start to feel even a tiny bit better? Have you had any contact from him at all?

5 weeks seems like a lifetime away

And well done to you. I hope you feel proud.

[LadyLost]

Can't believe I have made it this far.

Thought about him a lot today. I try really hard not to think about specifics, but today I couldn't help myself. Touch and smell. God I really do miss his physical self.

10 days since any contact, weeks before that since I saw him. I feel like he is becoming fuzzy. Like a dream. Not real.

Thought a lot about how let down I feel. How he is at home with wife. I try not to think about how he must be feeling, I know it's not helpful. But then it's like.. 'hmm, I know on this day at this time he is doing x, y or z and I wonder if he is thinking about the time we...'

He is everywhere. He is in my house, my local coffee shop, my clothes have memories, days of the week and times of the day. Memories everywhere.

[LadyLost]

There is something else. I feel like I want to see him. To speak to him again. I miss him SO MUCH.

I won't. I know it's not the right thing to do. His silence is everything I need to know. It will stop me, but it doesn't take the increasing urge away.

[LadyLost]

Ladylost. Thank you. That is exactly how I think. People will think I am being naive but that is just how I feel. It just makes me so sad that that's how he feels. Gosh. It hurts really bad right now.

[LadyLost]

Just had a really hard day. Had to work with xMM today and will be for next few weeks. So hard. Feeling really, really low now. Didn't want to have to break NC. Had no choice. Didn't think could get any worse but it just has.

[LadyLost]

All sorts of 'normal' chat from him today. No indication that he was anything other than just fine. He has confirmed he is talking holiday soon. How lovely for him. It's the hardest thing in the world to think about him and his wife, together. How ridiculous is that. I get it. I am the outsider. The intruder.

 

I wasnt friendly and I don't give anything away. But I do feel exposed now. Really exposed. I was glum and miserable and he saw it.

 

I am so mad at him. I dont want to have to deal with him. I want him never to speak to me again. I hate that I have to deal with him. Pretend. Be normal. Pretend I don't care. I hate him for doing this to me. my heart aches.

 

I am itching to send an email. He said 'sorry if its weird working with me'. Weird. Weird?? Its like he has no clue. That made me mad.

 

A really angry email. It's how I feel. I want him to feel as crap as I do. How dare he just get on with his life like that. How very convenient for him.

Edited May 4, 2012 by LadyLost

[Quiet Storm]

A really angry email. It's how I feel. I want him to feel as crap as I do. How dare he just get on with his life like that. How very convenient for him.

 

Don't do it. It won't make him feel like crap. He is not very empathetic or he would've never been willing to hurt his wife or you like that.

 

He gets to move on with his life because he is married. He already had a full life, and you were an enhancement to that life. His foundation, his home base, remains.

 

People enhance their lives every day with sports, hobbies, friends, activities, drugs, entertainment...and some married people enhance their life by having affairs. It's selfish, because people get hurt. But to the cheater, it is often thought of in the same manner as any outside activity. Fun, but not necessary.

 

Many OW assume that because a MM enters an affair, it means he is looking for a replacement for his wife. Most times, he is not. He wants to enhance his sexual and romantic life, and finds that in an OW. For many MM, the wife role is constant, established and permanent. The OW role is can often be interchangable and temporary.

 

So it is not that difficult for him to go on because his routine and the substance of his life have not changed that much. He likely went into this knowing that you would not be there forever and that the nature of this relationship would eventually cause it to end. He is not dealing with the loss of hope that you are dealing with. He is not grieving because he was already prepared mentally for this to end.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. You should do everything you can to find a new job. Seeing him all the time is not going to help you heal from this.

 

You will get through this. Hang in there, take it day by day.

 

Look at it this way. Maybe you did not really love MM as a person. After all, he has shown you that he is a very selfish man. What is loveable about that?

 

It's very possible that you don't miss MM, but miss the feelings that he inspired in you. The attention that he gave you. The validation that you felt. The communciation. The knowledge that someone was thinking about you. The way you felt special and important to him. This does not show love for MM, however. It simply shows that you loved the way he made you feel.

 

Affairs are often so passionate because of intermittent reinforcement. Married men are often very romantic and verbally expressive because they have learned (from being married) that this is what women respond to. This attention will foster a connection with the OW, inspiring excitement and passion. When the MM leaves to tend to his other obligations, the OW will often feel confused, doubtful and alone. She often spends their time apart thinking about him and analyzing the relationship. This fosters a sense of uncertainty in her. When they meet up again, the previous uncertainty combined with the relief of his presence creates euphoric feelings of happiness.

 

This is not healthy because it is very similar to addiction. Intermittent reinforcement is what casinos use to keep gamblers coming back. In that moment, winning $50 feels great even if you wasted $200 to get that $50.

 

If you were to contact him now, any positive reaction would feel euphoric because you are missing him so bad. You would likely feel the same way a junkie feels. Relieved, happy and content. But when the drug wears off (when he goes home), you will feel depressed and angry at yourself for setting yourself back.

 

Addicts often relapse many times before they finally get tired. They eventually realize that the reward is not worth the aftermath. That they are hurting themselves. That the high is only temporary and wipes out any progress they have made.

 

You may feel a need to contact him and go through the whole euphoria, big letdown cycle a few times before your heart is truly into getting over him. Sometimes that's what it takes for BOTH your heart and your mind to agree that this man and relationship are not good for you.

 

That's okay and it may be a path you feel you need to take, but I wouldn't recommend it because I think it would just prolong the inevetable.

[LadyLost]

I just realised how much I have already given to this man. How much of me I continue to give. Even now, even now it's over and he doesn't deserve even a scrap. I am still giving. Thinking over ever exchange. Wishing I had said this or not said that. Thinking about how to respond best to the ' making him feel weird' email. I keep giving to him and giving. He doesn't deserve anything from me. I want to make him non consequential. I want to stop giving. I must stop. It's enough.

10d of NC was a real achievement. He knows I mean business. I wish I could have had longer. I feel disapointed it was broken. But the very best thing I can do now is protect me. It has to stop being about him.

[LadyLost]

QuietStorm. Thank you so much for your words. I really appreciate them. You are right and I think... I am able to listen and deal with what you are saying to me more than I would have been able to only just a couple of weeks ago.

 

What you say makes sense to me.

[kaityjane]

LadyLost, how are you doing? I read your posts and know so much how you're feeling. I forced myself out tonight...just to take my son for dinner. But I just wanted to come home and get in bed again. I know it feels like you've lost your best friend, the only one you want. Nothing seems to be able to take the place of him. I come to LS to gain strength. I'm thinking of you....

[LadyLost]

Dont assume. Also things change. What she wants. What he wants.

 

Your feelings aren't static. Neither are theirs.

 

Hi BrighterWashing. Day to day for months and months he would swing between wanting to start a new life with me and not being able to leave his old. I do believe he was conflicted and struggling, but he kept me tagging along the whole time. He may or may not be feeling happier, relieved his secret life is over, wanting to see me, regretting his decision etc etc. point is, none of its about me. I am done with his indecision and his unhappiness. He lost me. Irrespective of him now and his feelings, i know it's up to me to move on. I have no idea if his W realises it was me that finally made the break and not him. Whether that would change anything I don't know. I guess 10 days of NC has given me some perspective. It's over. I need to stop caring about what might happen to either of them in the future, cause quite frankly, it's got nothing to do with me any more.

[LadyLost]

KJ, hello. It's tough isn't it. Like in a way that's indescribable.

 

I made it a whole 10 days of NC and then yesterday I won't up to an email telling me I would be working with him for the next two weeks. We spoke. We kept it about work and I wasn't pulled into discussion about anything else. He tried, but I didn't let it go anywhere. Very strange to hear his voice (we didn't and I won't see him over the next couple of weeks- we will work together remotely). He was fine. Friendly and jolly and just his old self. He even has holiday booked (this is what thankfully will restrict our working time). I don't want to know anything about his current life and yet I poured over every tiny detail shared.

Was a really difficult day and I am upset I had to break NC- even though I have desperately, desperately missed him.

Something I did realise last night when I was upset at the end of the day (and I have been thinking about it since).. He doesn't deserve anything more from me. Nothing. He doesn't deserve friendship or attention. He doesn't deserve details about my life or any indication about how much I miss him. He doesnt deserve my time or space in my head. He doesn't deserve any part of me. I will no longer make him feel better, satisfy his needs, love and laugh with him. He's on his own (except of course he is not!!). I think this understanding helps me see where I need to get to. He is not worth it. He is on his own now and I want him to see that.

So I was upset about having to break NC, but I hope I have found a way of getting through the next couple of weeks. Trying to find the strength one day at a time.

 

Your posts sound desperate and awfully sad. Its not clear to me whether you are NC or still speaking to him. NC- I can't recommend it enough. It's terribly painful but it absolutely gives you time to clear your head and very importantly, it gives you back some control. Hes on his own now. You need to and i mean that you really, really, need to focus on you and your child (not sure if you have more than one). it's not about him any more - it is about you.

 

I am thinking about you too KJ. Try and do one thing for yourself today. It doesn't matter how small. Go somewhere in the sun and have a coffee. Take a stroll, have a swim. Do something because you need to start thinking about how it's time for you to move on from this man. Leave him behind. What a thing he's lost! But it's his decision and not yours. Take back some control, just a tiny piece. One day at a time. We can do this. We have no choice.

[LadyLost]

BrighterWasher. Ok, I think I understand better now. I have also had a quick look at some of your posts. You have gone through a lot and must hate the self pitty I have for myself in this situation.

You are right, you never really know what's going on inside a M. He certainly told he his edited version and of course I lapped it up. But you never really know. I also really want to stop caring.

[LadyLost]

BrighterWashing. Thank you. It must really gall you to read so much from the OW on these threads. The only reason I sympathise is that i am one. Otherwise I dont think i would have never any level of understanding and certainly wouldn't take the time to respond.

 

I am gone from my MM life. I dont want anything to do with him and even though this sounds like an empty statement, I hope the long suffering W can find happiness with her MM now that I am out the picture ( its hard for me to think about obviously, but she never did anything wrong, she is the victim in all of this). But you are fighting for your marriage and dealing with a bitter xOW who won't go away. I just hope your MM is worth it.

[LadyLost]

I think it's the silence which is the hardest. Email in box is empty. He used to bombard me with email and msn was constant. It's so quiet and I feel so let down. I understand why it needs to be this way but it doesn't stop it hurting. I am miserable.

BUT

Something occurred to me. I was wondering why this time was different. Why we weren't together any more. Why we had kept the NC and why I wasn't drawn into his conversation yesterday. Its because I want this now. I actually want it to be over. I know I am done. My heart knows it and I am ready to follow through. So I am miserable and it doesn't stop me from checking email 100 times a day. But something in me has changed. I know this is what I want. I have had enough. And that feels pretty good actually! Even though NC is not possible at the moment, knowing this gives me a small, tiny element of control back.

Edited May 5, 2012 by LadyLost

[LadyLost]

Going to see a councillor soon. I have been thinking about how to describe how I feel.

It feels like I have disappeared and it's an empty shell walking around. The person I was has gone.

I hate weekends. I always have. I never had him at the weekend, but I know his every movement. Today has been tough. I am glad the day is over and I can sleep.

[beyond]

Oh Ladylost, I feel for you I really do. You were so kind to me on my thread and as I'm starting to read through other people's experiences, its amazing how similar a lot of them are.

 

One of your posts stands out to me, the one about you wanting children so knowing this relationship isn't right for you - it could be me writing it, word for word. I try and deny it to myself but all I ever wanted and still want is a family. I care little for material things or career, though nice addition to have them, but my heart yearns to have a proper family and I know my ex is not the right man to have that with.

Think of that, if nothing else when you are tempted to contact him.

 

I hope you slept well

[LadyLost]

LL, please do not try to assume things about his wife. She may know parts, she may not. She may have been told you were chasing him, he was trying to be nice to you, you took his friendship for more, etc. Chose to look the other way? How can you know what she has chosen? She has chosen to forgive. She has chosen to NOT rush to divorce. She has chosen to see if she can rebuild the trust she had for him at one time. She has chosen to see if there is anything left in her feelings for him. He obviously wants that since he is with her. Maybe?

 

All we do know is he isn't with you. What he and her decide to do is their business. What happens is between them. I would bet a years salary he wasn't honest with her. And while you think she chooses to look the other way, she was told a story by her husband, the man she married, for better or for worse. Instead of kicking him out, she has chosen another road. I know many OW cannot understand that - many think "if I knew my man was cheating, I would kick him to the curb", yet so many OW do quite the opposite in trying to rejuvinate the affair. They accept less, they accept crumbs. They promise to not push, they promise to give him space. They will do whatever is needed if only to continue the communication. Think about it.

.

 

Hockeyfan, you really do talk a lot of sense. I think if I was ever to meet with his W and hear her side of the story I would be shocked. Of course she loves him. She is his wife. For better or worse.

 

The fact that your post makes me uncomfortable says a lot. It's quite difficult for me to think about actually. The Wife. Her side of the story. The reality of the situation and the fact that yes. He chose to stay. She chose to have him. They still want each other. All the time we were together I was the one accepting the crumbs. And yes, of course I did offer to give him space!

[LadyLost]

Thank you Beyond.

We start off here thinking our stories are unique. Our MM are special, different from the rest. I think it slowly dawns on us all that what we have said has all been said before. It is sad and rather pathetic. How on earth did we get ourselves into this situation. If only we had known. Still doubtful we would have done anything differently I suspect.. LS has given me support and a lot to think about over the last couple of weeks. Seeing the other stories, hearing perspectives from all sides. The OW, just like me. Shocked and dazed and confused. Stick with NC. I really do believe it is the best way. Doesn't matter if you fall off. Just get back on again. Each time I think you learn something new. Eventually you (we) will get there. I know this because really, we have no choice. We can't go back so we must move forwards. Just one day at a time.

[beyond]

Thank you Beyond.

We start off here thinking our stories are unique. Our MM are special, different from the rest. I think it slowly dawns on us all that what we have said has all been said before. It is sad and rather pathetic. How on earth did we get ourselves into this situation. If only we had known. Still doubtful we would have done anything differently I suspect.. LS has given me support and a lot to think about over the last couple of weeks. Seeing the other stories, hearing perspectives from all sides. The OW, just like me. Shocked and dazed and confused. Stick with NC. I really do believe it is the best way. Doesn't matter if you fall off. Just get back on again. Each time I think you learn something new. Eventually you (we) will get there. I know this because really, we have no choice. We can't go back so we must move forwards. Just one day at a time.

 

Yes, NC in these cases is usually the only way. I've fallen off the wagon, so to speak, but I've got back on now and the horrible realisation is dawning that whatever I do or say, it wont change him or his feelings for me or make him do anything about this situation. Bottom line, he doesn't want to.

 

Yes, I thought I was unique - I knew him before his marriage (so what!) I thought what we had was special (it wasn't, not to him!) and that it wasn't really an affair if I wasn't sleeping with him (wrong).

 

One thing I have learnt though is not to be so judgemental in the future. I've always said I'd never get myself into this position with a married man, never never never, woman who do get what they deserve etc etc. It is stupid and I hope I've learnt enough to never do it again, but we are all human and very few people go into this deliberately trying to hurt people.

 

Yep, one day at a time. In fact, if I'm desperate to ever contact him, I'm going to promise myself I will at least wait 24 hrs because my feelings change on an hourly basis at the moment.

 

Keep strong, it make not seem it, but you are doing well xx

Edited May 6, 2012 by beyond
spelling

[woinlove]

I think it's the silence which is the hardest. Email in box is empty. He used to bombard me with email and msn was constant. It's so quiet and I feel so let down. I understand why it needs to be this way but it doesn't stop it hurting. I am miserable.

BUT

Something occurred to me. I was wondering why this time was different. Why we weren't together any more. Why we had kept the NC and why I wasn't drawn into his conversation yesterday. Its because I want this now. I actually want it to be over. I know I am done. My heart knows it and I am ready to follow through. So I am miserable and it doesn't stop me from checking email 100 times a day. But something in me has changed. I know this is what I want. I have had enough. And that feels pretty good actually! Even though NC is not possible at the moment, knowing this gives me a small, tiny element of control back.

 

I see a noticeable change in you since you first started posting. You said you don't feel like you are on the path of your choice to a better future, but I can see you are. It all starts with those first steps, and then some more steps. It is not that one has it all mapped out. What's important is that you had two choices, continue this A and settle for less than you deserve or end it and take care of yourself now to prepare for a better future. You made the right choice.

 

It's great that you will be seeing a counselor soon and are thinking about how to describe your feelings. Understanding why we made the choices we did, particularly when they cause this much pain, is very valuable understanding.