Scared and sad

[LadyLost]

Woinlove, thank you for your support. I have had a really difficult weekend. Feels like I am having a bit of a meltdown. When you do have those tiny moments of real clarity though, it's a wonderful thing. They don't last, but they are evidence of progress I guess. The one you highlighted about me knowing I wanted it to be over this time, it even surprised me!

 

I am wondering now how much of what i feel is directly about him and how much of it is about the depressed state I am in. I miss him terribbly, I really do, but maybe i would be able to cope with this better if I was less depressed. I don't know..

 

You and others have helped me tremendously though. Even just get through this weekend and i really am grateful. Now i take a deep breath and try get through another day.

Edited May 6, 2012 by LadyLost

[LadyLost]

I am so glad another day is over. I really do find peace only when I sleep.

 

It's tough. Try so hard not to think about him, but find it hard not to. What is he doing, what he may or may not be feeling, whether he is happy, relieved, sad... Oh well.. None of it really matters now I guess, whether he misses me or not.. I won't ever again know or share such intimaces with this man.

 

I feel like this is a path of discovery, a long and painful one.

Edited May 6, 2012 by LadyLost

[LadyLost]

Hello HockeyFan. Your description of the current me is awfully accurate and what you describe as the ultimate goal seems very, very, very far away at the moment. Quite honestly i dont know how to get back to the place you describe. Your posts make me emotional, but in a good way I think:)

[fallen16]

I made 2 weeks NC then fell right back into it. I agree the pain of the whole A is unbearable. It was easier to leave my 22 year marriage than leave this man. I really do get caught up in all that he has said. I have over 4,000 emails I have kept over the last 4.5 years. I don't read them but I know what everyone says. Since I work with him, it is very easy for him to get to me. All the excuses he gives. I know they are excuses but I still cant get past my own feelings for him. I just don't believe I will ever love anyone as I do him. I keep hoping some day something will change and he will want to be with me. I have no family and I have chased my friends away. I did exactly what I shouldn't have, I let this man become my life. I hope you continue with NC. I hope it works for you. I know how you feel. I know the pain and hurt. What do you do when you want to reach out to him? How do you stop yourself? What do you do when he wont leave you alone? How can you stop thinking of all the things he said, your time together? How do you let go? I want to find strength through your strength...silly as that sounds. I have been incapable of keeping up NC. I am so weak and so foolish. I feel I will never get out of this. I keep my fingers crossed for everyone on here. I hope you move on and find true happiness with someone deserving of you. I am sorry I cannot offer you any sound advice as I am still drowning in my own A.

[LadyLost]

Fallen,

You ARE stronger than you think. I promise you.

I think we are in similar situations. Stuck working with the men we love. I think if I hadn't had to rejoin his project I would have stuck to NC though. It was tough and I am awfully miserable, but it really did give me time to breath.

We worked together on Friday and of course our interactions and discussions have been on my mind since. I was absolutely desperate to reach out to him. Oh my goodness, I really love this man. He mostly kept it work related. He is at least respecting my request. But i wonder why he is not fighting for me harder. Thing is, he knows the deal. If he wants me, he has to come get me. No more words, I want and demand action. Of course he is not going to leave his wife. He is a decent man (I truly believe though others will no doubt disagree!) so he understands he has no choice. He must leave me alone.

It's up to you to be strong, this is about you and your future. It's not about him any more. It's really simple- do you want to continue in the A? If you do; if you are happy to accept the situation and enjoy it for what it is, then keep right on with it. I thought long and hard for many months about whether I wanted to continue and consciously at the time decided I wanted to keep going. I just wanted some time with the man I loved. But oh my lord it made me miserable. Like.. ill. So ill that I have to so see a counsellor about help because right now it feels like a massive part of me died. I am not the person I once was and this makes me so sad.

I chose to fight for me. I had no choice. The A, my MM, the situation was not making me happy. Really, it's made me ill. No one can tell you what the right thing to do is. You will read it 100 times on here, from me, from others. This is about you deciding how you want to live.

Edited May 7, 2012 by LadyLost

[fallen16]

I know the physical ailments that can occur from having an A. I known that I am depressed. I shut down most weekends and just lay around or sleep. Weekdays, I get to see him at work. I seem to function better. Weeknights, weekends, I fall apart. I have woken up in the middle of the night to be sick as I found myself having a very realistic dream about him and his wife! I want a life with him and I cannot seem to see past that. I keep thinking that somehow, someway things will change. It has been almost 5 years. Nothing has changed. I do not know what has happened to me. Ten years ago I wouldn't have settled for a "relationship" like this. Now I cannot seem to let go of it. He walks into my office and I melt. The sound of his voice, his smile, his laugh. I turn to puddy. No I am not happy in this A. When I am with him the world seems perfect but when we are a part, my life consists of missing him and it hurts so much. I know it should be about me. I know I need to get out. I am afraid of the hurt, the pain, missing him. I am afraid of being alone. I may not have him, but I have his texts and emails that are constant. I am weak. I know it. I am not happy. I know I need to make changes. I just dont seem to be able to find it within myself to do it. I have never experienced anything like this and no matter how hard I try I find myself being the OW. I am not sure how much pain I have to endure before i come to my senses. I will continue to read these posts. At least I know I am not alone. Maybe one day I will be able to say I have done it. Finally left him for good!

[LadyLost]

Fallen, I feel for you. I just hope that in 2 years, 5 years or more down the line you don't regret this. You are making a decision whether you think you are or not. You are deciding to stay in the A.

 

Does he know what he is putting you through? Do you talk about how miserable you are? How can he stand by and let you feel like this. Make this about you. Not about him.

 

I am looking for another job and I am serious about finding one. Are you trying to do the same? It sounds to me like if you are really serious about ending it (are you? I am not sure you are really), then this may be the only way. Take another job if you can find one. Again, this is about you and your health. If you need to walk away to make the break, you should be thinking about it.

 

In giving this advise it sounds like I am on top of it all. You will see from my posts that's so far from the truth, but I know where I want to get to, i know its over, i wont go back - no matter how much it hurts. I have made the first really difficult steps. I have set my boundaries. He is on his own.

[fallen16]

He knows. It is discussed all the time. I tell him I want out, he says how he cannot live without me. tells me he is just existing with his wife. I say its not good enough I deserve more. He agrees but then plays the poor me card. Its a ridiculous game. I keep falling for it! he has no intentions of letting me go. i would have to be the one to cut things off and even at that I wouldnt be able to stop him from coming into my office and saying things! I have been looking for another job. However, being recently divorced and screwed over by my ex, money is an issue and I have two children depending on me. I cannot just take any job. I do not want to find myself without a place to live. i have put my children through so much already with the divorce. I know what you think. It does sound like I am staying in the affair. I want out, I do but I am so afraid of the hurt. I stay strong for a week or two then melt again as the hurt becomes too much.

 

I understand it is not easy for you. I understand that you are going through hell. I admire that you have made the commitment for it to be over though and are sticking to it. I want to find that strength of commitment.

 

I even went away for a week out of country to try and put some distance between us, I came back to find him at my door that morning telling me how much he missed me. He wants his cake and to eat it to and I am giving it to him!!!!

 

In my heart, I dont want to lose him. In my mind, I have to break away. When did your mind win over your heart?

[LadyLost]

Fallen, I didn't appreciate you had kids. Of course it makes things difficult. I really feel for you. I have a bit more freedom and only need to worry about myself.

I can only keep repeating this over and over- its not about him, this is about YOU and your family. I don't care that he can't live without you. I don't care his heart will be broken. I don't care his marriage is crap and you are keeping him going. This is ABOUT YOU.

 

I don't think there was one moment where I made the decision, i was never, ever happy about being in an affair. From day one I wanted more. I kept thinking 'if only he loved me just a tiny bit more he would see we must be together' I gave it months and months, convincing myself when the time finally came, of course he would leave. Around Xmas time I gave him the ultimatum and I really thought he would come. We discussed where we would live, how it would work etc. He just wouldn't / couldn't do it. I know he tried. Ultimately he told me he couldn't leave. There isn't anywhere much to go after that. I had given him an ultimatum. He knew it was over. He saw me break and crumble. He knew it was time. If your MM really, really cares for you. He will understand its not about him. He must and you must focus on you.

 

Take care of yourself, Fallen. Take one day at a time and don't worry about tomorrow.

[nonamefornow]

LL....yours and a few others stories have brought tears to my eyes as I totally empathise. About the lack of contact, how he's getting on with his life (was it Quiet Storm who pointed out exactly that his life hadn't changed?) and it is exactly that! Yes it vaguely changed when he was lying his head off to all and sundry but then again, because of those lies he was able to maintain the status quo.

 

For some reason I'm feeling very emotional this weekend and I think it's because of a 'this time last year' syndrome and I know I'm better off with nothing from him instead of scraps but I still miss him too.....over the past few months there has been little/no contact which is totally limited to work email and I know he deletes as soon as its sent so as not to arouse suspicion (which is where he has obviously mastered the art of deception) and often he will email himself and cc me into it (I only cottoned onto this a few weeks ago) and that hurt......I'm rambling and wondering WHY do I still feel attached to him???

[LadyLost]

Hello NoName. Yes, it was Quiet Storm and it stuck with me too, cause its true. I never existed in his real life. But he was everything in mine. I never realised this until now. He got to walk away, back to his reality with so little impact. I am left with the reminders everywhere. There has been a lot of good advise and I think tiny bits stick, a little bit more each time.

 

Well, I am NC as of two weeks today (sounds like we both work with our MM), if only we knew then what we know now! So it's not been strictly NC for me, but our work chat so far has been very work related and I aim to keep it that way. So disappointed he hasn't fought wind and earth to win me back, but I guess that's part of the process- the reality check.

 

So there has been total silence in my life from him for two very long weeks. Amazing that you have managed a whole year. Sad to hear you still miss him and that he is still 'playing' with your mind. Maybe just cause its an 'anniversary'?

 

It's really nice to hear from you. Really is. Tell me that there is life after the A. I need to know that I will begin to heal. I would love to hear that you have managed to get your life back..

Edited May 7, 2012 by LadyLost

[LadyLost]

Well, I am aching tonight to drop him an email. I miss him unbelievably. Writing so much support for everyone today, I just feel like a fraud when I can't do it myself. God, I really, really miss him. It does feel like a death, I guess it might just as well be. Knowing that he is at home with his wife kills me. And yet, this is reality! Something I must get used to if I am to move on. Him and his wife. Yes. They are married and together. I am the outsider, the intruder, I am the one alone and broken.

It's daft, but right now it feels like I am being punished (some might think rightfully so). He is really, really staying away. Showing no sign of anything other than business as usual. The silence kills me. It hurts so bad. I really need some help because I feel done in.

I don't think I have ever felt so let down by anyone ever before (I am sure I am repeating myself now). What a fool I have been. Unbelievable that he could do this to me and I let it happen!

 

Another day. Glad it's over.

[beyond]

Well, I am aching tonight to drop him an email. I miss him unbelievably. Writing so much support for everyone today, I just feel like a fraud when I can't do it myself. God, I really, really miss him. It does feel like a death, I guess it might just as well be. Knowing that he is at home with his wife kills me. And yet, this is reality! Something I must get used to if I am to move on. Him and his wife. Yes. They are married and together. I am the outsider, the intruder, I am the one alone and broken.

It's daft, but right now it feels like I am being punished (some might think rightfully so). He is really, really staying away. Showing no sign of anything other than business as usual. The silence kills me. It hurts so bad. I really need some help because I feel done in.

I don't think I have ever felt so let down by anyone ever before (I am sure I am repeating myself now). What a fool I have been. Unbelievable that he could do this to me and I let it happen!

 

Another day. Glad it's over.

 

Oh LL ((((big hugs)))). You have been an amazing support for many on here. It doesn't make you a fraud that you are finding hard yourself - just human. Its always easy to step back and look at someone elses situation and access it logically but when emotions are involved that changes everything!!!

 

You know you are doing what is right in your head, and for your heart in the long run, it just doesn't feel like it when your heart is aching does it.

Being 'logical' about it for a moment, if he really wants to be with you he will find a way, so your heart will be satisfied that way. If he chooses to stay with his wife, then it was never meant to be and your heart will be protected in the long run from loving someone who can't fully commit to you. Either way NC is the best way. Still so hard when all you want is there arms around you, I know!

 

My MM has sent me lots of 'i love you texts' etc although noticeable no 'I will get the divorce asap' texts. Talk is cheap I've decided! I feel like the meanest b*tch not respomding to him - it goes against my nature completely but know I have to do it. In a while I'm sure he will go silent - I'm not sure at the moment which is worse.

 

One day at a time LL. Don't try to think too much into the future, just get through today, sleep well tonight and start tomorrow afresh, knowing you are doing what you are doing for your sanity and self respect.

xx

Edited May 7, 2012 by beyond

[nonamefornow]

Yes Lady, we both work with them which makes it twice as hard......luckily for me I only have to see him a few times a week (if that) but I still get that heart racing/palpatations thing going on when I do see him.

 

I actually meant 1 year ago I was in the thick of it and deliriously happy!! Hindsight is a great thing, if only time travel was as easy I'd definitely go back and re-write the entire situation.....the NC (via work email) has been 3 days this time, I didn't respond to his last message - as I mentioned before, I'd noticed he'd taken to emailing himself and cc'ing me into the email, obviously in case he forgot to delete and it wouldn't be apparent to the outside eye he was in contact with me!

 

When you say your xMM wife knows, I KNOW my xMM wife knows and has chosen to ignore - I expect to get railroaded for this - but to me, knowing how sneaky and underhand he can be, this is just giving him carte blanche to do it all over again.....albeit more discreetly and NOT getting caught!

 

For now all I can do is try to ignore anything of a personal nature that comes through the work email....i.e. how are you, how was your weekend etc. and only answer things totally related to work....and believe me, that is so difficult when you were used to hourly contact. In the past every avenue of contact was available (for him, obviously I couldn't contact him as I pleased so he always initiated it) but since January when I asked him to delete my mobile number, he did and hasn't text/rang since, I've blocked him on FB and like I said, the only avenue of contact is work email or face to face - that in itself is hard as I'm conflicted as to whether I should hug him or punch him lol!

 

To sum up, it ended in June last year (with a slip up in August and a minor slip up in December) after his wife's 2nd discovery of contact (and him denying to the hilt) but he would not leave me alone, almost to the point of harrassment which of course I mistook for 'love' and his insistence that 'he would think of me last thing at night, first thing in the morning' ****e! There have been several more 'discoveries' but he's obviously lied his way out of the situations and is now back to the life he never left, free and easy! I meanwhile am still picking up the pieces of what life was as I knew it and dealing with the silence also.

 

Good luck to all of us trying to come through the other side! xx

[woinlove]

LadyL, just want to reiterate the point that it definitely does not make you a fraud that you help others here and feel such pain and difficulty yourself. First, it's wonderful that you reach out to help others and second, knowing what to say to others to help them might be helping you too, as part of you must know those helping words are true. It's sometimes compared to an addiction and it helps some to think of it that way, withdrawal, wanting a fix, but knowing it will leave you back at step zero again later.

 

Post here, talk to a friend, write in a journal, force yourself to do an activity, whatever you can manage, and know that this will pass. If it feels like too much, please talk to your doctor, as medication helps some get through.

[fallen16]

After reading your posts yesterday and crying most of the night I have decided to try once again with NC. NC as much as it can be since we work so closely together. I didnt email last night or today and nor has he. I blew up at him yesterday and said I was tired of everything being about him and his needs. I told him he he truly loved me and things were really that bad he would leave his wife and stop hiding behind all the excuses. I told him he made me feel like a whore and I was done with it. Then I cried all night. Reading the posts here today, feeling your pain and anguish....reading the thought that if "he only loved me a little more" maybe we would be together.....reading how much you miss him and most importantly being reminded that "he was my whole life' and "his life was elsewhere" My letting go of him has impacted nothing where my world is falling apart. I am dying inside but I have been dying inside since I fell in love with him. I have always wanted more too. For 5 years I have wanted more. For 5 years I have waited. For 5 years, I took back seat to everything in his life.

 

I cannot stop crying, and everything seems so hopeless. But it has to get better as it certainly cannot get any worse than this. I was a fool to think I mattered. I was a fool to think anything would ever change. I was a fool to think he loved me the way I love him.

 

He wore my favourite shirt today. He hasn't shaved as he knows I like the "rough look". But, I am going to try and stay strong for a moments pleasure is not worth the pain and hurt I live with every second of the day he chooses to stay married.

 

Day one.....lets see how long I can make it. I do get my strength from all of you.......thanks for the posts!

[LadyLost]

Fallen. I am proud of you. Really I am. I think the first step is the hardest. Take one day at a time. Remind yourself you are worth more and just keep breathing.

Really, well done. Try and find the strength from somewhere. You have given this man 5 years of your life, it's time to make some changes. We can do this. Really, we must.

[LadyLost]

Beyond. Thank you for your support. I feel calmer today, though exhausted. Fragile I guess is a good way to describe it.

 

I hope you are keeping strong.

[LadyLost]

Woinlove. Last night I felt terrible. I mean I don't know what qualifies me to try and tell others how to do this. Especially because of the difficulties I am facing myself. I am not sure whether experiencing the effect and after effects of an affair makes you an expert, but seeing others struggle is so difficult maybe because you see yourself in every story. It is much easier to help another than to help yourself it seems. And great to see and feel support from others, like yourself.

Made it through one other day. Well done me

[LadyLost]

NoName. My thoughts on this are that your xMM still has too much power over you. You havent truly been with him in months but he is still controlling you. I don't know what you can do to try and regain some control, but I think you need to think about your options. Does he work in a position of authority?

He must still know the effect he has on you. Are you still feeding his ego? If so, it's time to stop!

It's obviously a time thing, but I want my xMM out my head and out my life. I don't think I could continue to live with the tension and games it seems he continues to play with you.

I am sorry if I have completely misread your posts. Not sure what your options are, but do you feel you are moving on with your life all these months after the end?

Edited May 8, 2012 by LadyLost

[fallen16]

LadyLost and all of us.....we can do it. I say this as I sit here crying. But, I can do this....with help from everyone here. I keep reminding myself of all the things that hurt, the holidays alone, him racing back to his wife, how he ordered her flowers for her birthday just hours after being intimate with me, how he admitted to telling her he loves her not that long ago, how I have always only been a convenience. The lonely nights, the weekends of silence, the need he had to preserve his marriage at all costs and the endless excuses for staying. I will try not to think of the wonderful things he said or the wonderful way he made me feel because I have to believe it was all just to keep his cake and eat it too.

I haven't even begun to feel the loneliness I am sure you are experiencing as for me its only the first day. But I feel your pain, as I do my own. as you said, you hear your own story in everyone else's. My A was not unique. He didnt love me differently than any other MM has loved his M. It was the same old story just different characters. They really are good at deception. They really are good at manipulation. I really was foolish. It has never felt right. i have always wanted a committed relationship. I just couldnt let go of the feelings. I just cant believe I will love this way again.

 

But do we really know the man we think we are in love with? I am not sure of anything anymore.

 

I just know, this is no life. This is an existence with a whole lot of pain and misery. I know the road ahead is going to be rough. I have tried to travel it before and failed. I sincerely hope I succeed this time. I hope you do as well. Know you are not alone. Know you have given me strength and wisdom. Know I am pulling for you and that my heart breaks for you as well. I DO KNOW how you feel!

[fallen16]

BTW..........FRAGILE is an excellent way to describe it! Be strong please. You will have moments of weakness, its only human. Its only natural as a part of your life is changing; a part you truly cared about. The more involved you were, the more it feels like every aspect of your life is collapsing. For me, he was my rock and now I feel uttery alone having to face everything. I feel like everything I have known and the person I am is gone. I feel like I have to start my entire life over and it is scary as well as sad. As strong as we are, and as determined as we may be, its a long, painful, difficult task. We will slip, we will cry, we will hurt but someday we will be free to be loved for the caring people we are. I believe we are all caring, devoted people...why else would we have given so much to a man who doesn't deserve us?

 

It is easier to council others, and much more difficult to take our own advice. After all, our heads know what's right, its our hearts and our emotions that cause the pain.

[LadyLost]

Well, today was interesting.. I woke up to an email from Him. Not much detail in the email, just that he wants to be my friend. I did email him back. I know everyone will say this was the wrong thing to do, but I don't regret it. I told i I needed time and space. I told him I wasn't ready. I feel so many emotions now and oh good lord I miss that man. I also feel angry he thinks its appropriate to ask me to be his friend given the fact that knowing anything about his life and him & wife, just about kills me. I didnt say any of that though in th e email. I kept my response short. How can he possibly think friendship would work. Crazy.

I also went to see someone today, a psychiatrist, who I hope can help me get my life back. That was a huge step for me. Huge and very emotional, but I am glad I did this and I think it's long over due. I feel this is the right thing and the right time to start to focus on me.

[stillwater]

Well, today was interesting.. I woke up to an email from Him. Not much detail in the email, just that he wants to be my friend. I did email him back. I know everyone will say this was the wrong thing to do, but I don't regret it. I told i I needed time and space. I told him I wasn't ready. I feel so many emotions now and oh good lord I miss that man. I also feel angry he thinks its appropriate to ask me to be his friend given the fact that knowing anything about his life and him & wife, just about kills me. I didnt say any of that though in th e email. I kept my response short. How can he possibly think friendship would work. Crazy.

 

I got the "I want to be your friend" thing too. I told her no way. My guess is it's just a way to avoid feeling guilty. "Hey look, we're friends, what happened between us couldn't have been that bad!"

 

I feel for you, I can't imagine having to see her on a regular basis. I hope you stay strong!

[LadyLost]

Thanks Stillwater. I hope tomorrow I stay strong too..

 

I think my xMM is actually lonely. But that's ridiculous given that he is with his W and I am the one truly alone.

 

Anyway..makes no odds. It needs to be about me now!