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What do you have to offer to the opposite sex?

joystickd

By joystickd,
in General Relationship Discussion

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  • 2 years later...
MoreAmore

MoreAmore

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I see everyone wanting this and that in a potential partner but honestly what do you offer to this potential person for them to see you as relationship material. On a multidating thread I ask an opponent of multidating about what did she have to offer to get a guy to want to stop multidating and all she could say was do it for courtesy. What is it about you that would actually have someone of the opposite sex spark interest in getting to know you? What is it about you that when you meet this person that has qualities you are looking for they would want to have something with you?

 

I have to say, whatever I list or don't list, the right guy for me will see that thing in me he wants. It's hard to quantify, isn't it? If he doesn't, he's not the right guy. I've not historically had a shortage of guys who want a relationship with me, so I'm not concerned that I'm lacking in that regard.

Dating is not a pros/cons list.

 

None of my exes even dislike me at all. I treat people well. I think that plays well.

 

I know guys who like me have praised my intellect, my skepticism, my logic, my sense of humor, my kindness to my partner, friends, and strangers, how supportive I am, my giving nature, apparently there's something inherently sexy about me, my passion, my dedication, my lack of superficiality and consumerism, my ability to converse on a wide variety of subjects, how very excellent and enthusiastic I am at oral sex. ;)

 

I know I have things that some might not prefer: I don't have a perfect body or perfect looks. I am not formally educated. I do not make a lot of money. I might just have entirely different intrests and values.

 

In the end, though, what I have to offer is more than enough to meet amazing guys who have everything I hope for in a guy.

 

Also, to those who act as if listing sex is a crime here: Women being sexual is not a crime. There is nothing wrong with a woman enjoying sex every bit as much as a man, or being proud of her skills. You may shame all you want, but I listed it, too, and I have never been "used for sex" in my entire life. Even when I've had sex what some on this forum proclaim as too early, I've never had a guy not want to continue pursuing a relationship. Only bad guys use girls for sex and don't ensure people are on the same page for whatever desired, so really when that happens the problem isn't the girl being sexual, or her not offering much, but her running into a guy who doesn't even have much to offer as a human being, much less a partner. I mean, if he lacks basic ethics and courtesy, he could be rich and a model and whatever else stupid crap and he definitely not a catch.

Edited by MoreAmore
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Els

Els

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IMO this is a rather unhealthy basis for a relationship, and not an approach that I'm fond of. I'd never ask "What does this man have to offer me?", and I'd never be with someone to whom "What does she have to offer me?" was a primary concern either. I do greatly concern myself with how he treats me and what sort of person he is (and would hope he concerns himself with the same about me), but that isn't really the same thing.

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hasaquestion

hasaquestion

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IMO this is a rather unhealthy basis for a relationship, and not an approach that I'm fond of. I'd never ask "What does this man have to offer me?", and I'd never be with someone to whom "What does she have to offer me?" was a primary concern either. I do greatly concern myself with how he treats me and what sort of person he is (and would hope he concerns himself with the same about me), but that isn't really the same thing.

 

But you absolutely care about what he has to offer you. You choose to be with this man because he gives you the things (treatment) you need. If he didn't do anything for you would you be with him? I think not.

 

You don't get a job. You are someone who employers want to hire. You don't get a s/o, you are someone who people want to date.

 

When people interact, at some level they are always weighing what the other party has to offer. It may be something altruistic in nature, like your s/o offering you love, caring, comfort, a smile that makes you melt... it might be something silly like having an 8 pack.

 

Friendships, relationships, everything boils down at some level to what we offer. My closest friend who I live near doesn't hang out with me because he has to or because he should be. We hang out because he shows me a damn good time and I show him one too, and I give him a reliable sounding board and he gives me one. Is that "selfish"? Not really its just life. I look out for him, he's my boy. But I don't do it out of some charity, there are incentives involved.

 

When you meet a stranger they aren't going to bear their soul. If they have the heart of Mother Teresa and the wisdom of Confucius how are you going to find out?

 

That's why the thought exercise of 'what do I have to offer' is important. Meeting people is an elevator pitch. You have a few minutes to make your case.

 

Society stigmatizes that kind of outlook on anything in life, instead preferring to dump abstract idealistic advice that isn't useful. "Be yourself!" "Be a good person!" You see it on here all the time.

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hasaquestion

hasaquestion

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The part about poorly understanding incentives goes beyond just dating by the way.

 

When I was tutoring HS kids (mostly Brazilian immigrants from poor families) who don't do well in school, it shocked me how easy it was to get them to do their work.

 

These guys work hard at basketball or football. they work hard because they can see the trail of incentives. Start on varsity, get cred from the other guys, get the girls.

 

Meanwhile... they've spent their whole life being told they should do their homework because that gets you a pat on the head.

 

Its crazy. People write off these kids as being lazy or just "not being school people". With some of the guys I really saw them buckle down when you spent less time talking about how they need to do their homework and more time talking about what their homework can do for them.

 

The rich kids have the incentives of academic performance laid out for them. They aren't harder workers or anything, they just have someone coaching them up.

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Els

Els

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But you absolutely care about what he has to offer you. You choose to be with this man because he gives you the things (treatment) you need. If he didn't do anything for you would you be with him? I think not.

 

You're missing the point entirely. By your logic everyone does everything for 100% selfish reasons, even if most of us would not see it that way. By your logic, someone who volunteers at, say, an orphanage or animal shelter does it because of what it 'offers them' - doing it makes them feel happy and fulfilled, and they receive affection from the kids/animals. But anyone who has ever volunteered knows that while that is part of it, it is about so much more than that. Same thing with genuine relationships.

 

If you choose to go through life viewing everything, including relationships, through those eyes, that's your choice. It isn't mine, so kindly do not try to impose your views on me.

Edited by Elswyth
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