Question for remorseful OW?

[jwi71]

Well,

 

She has agreed to meet tonight.

 

I was beginning to feel like I'd been played for a fool (like what jthorne suggested just now) - I'd had a night of terrible, terrible dreams very ptsd. Unlike any I'd had since those first few weeks. Woke up in tears. Husband very concerned. It is amazing how much power we unintentianally give to others.

 

But it's down the rabbit hole we go.

 

PS. Her reply was gentile and civil. Whatever this turns out to be it will not be a shouting match. Say a prayer for both of us. It I may post later, right now got to go the the gym work off some of my excess energy. Im not even going to check this for spelling, LOL.

 

Stay calm, don't lose it.

Have specific questions and goals in mind. Stay focused.

Meet in neutral but public place.

And don't take a gun

[spice4life]

Well,

 

She has agreed to meet tonight.

 

I was beginning to feel like I'd been played for a fool (like what jthorne suggested just now) - I'd had a night of terrible, terrible dreams very ptsd. Unlike any I'd had since those first few weeks. Woke up in tears. Husband very concerned. It is amazing how much power we unintentianally give to others.

 

But it's down the rabbit hole we go.

 

PS. Her reply was gentile and civil. Whatever this turns out to be it will not be a shouting match. Say a prayer for both of us. It I may post later, right now got to go the the gym work off some of my excess energy. Im not even going to check this for spelling, LOL.

 

Why did you feel you were being played for a fool? You contacted her and she was very honest about where she stood at this point and time. I'm not tring to be harsh, but you have to take responsibility for the feelings this brought back for you. You chose to reach out to her, so you can't blame your reaction on her right now. You reached out after two years of NC and she was apologetic and remoresful in her responses. That is not playing you for a fool at all. She was just trying to deal with her own stuff and deciding whether or not it felt right for her to meet with yu. She agreed, don't go into the meeting thinking she is out to play you for a fool. It is quite clear she is willing to give you the closure you need.

[Summer Breeze]

Yeah, it's easy to use something when it makes a convenient excuse or something to hide behind. Kinda like the tired old excuse of "he's the one who made vows, I didn't"

 

Whatever. I'm of the mind that if you hurt someone and are remorseful for it, you do what you can to make amends. If meeting with the person you hurt is part of that, what's the problem with being a decent human being instead of a coward?

 

We'll obviously have to agree to disagree. Whether the OW should meet her wasn't even the question in the OP.

 

I don't hide behind anything.

 

I never said if you're remorseful you shouldn't make amends. What everyone has taken exception to is that I do not think it's fair or right to have carte blanch to drag the OW back into the situation at the whim of the another party. I don't think if someone is in the process of healing it should necessarily be thrown back at them.

 

I have been more than supportive of AG and what she's doing. It worked well for her and hopefully they'll both get something out of it and they'll move forward. I'm not saying she's wrong having done what she did. I think it was courageous and I hope the meeting tonight is good.

 

At no time did I question whether or not they should meet. I gave an opinion on the situation and that's taken root.

 

Sorry for the TJ AG. I see you're meeting and I am hoping for the very best for you both. No matter what has been said here and my defense of my opinion on a very minute part of my original post please don't let that leave you think I am not all over what you're doing, and how you're doing it.

 

I won't respond about my opinion again. I know. That's me running away and hiding. If you want to think I'm running off with my tail between my legs knock yourself out.

 

Good luck AG!

[woinlove]

Well,

 

She has agreed to meet tonight.

 

I was beginning to feel like I'd been played for a fool (like what jthorne suggested just now) - I'd had a night of terrible, terrible dreams very ptsd. Unlike any I'd had since those first few weeks. Woke up in tears. Husband very concerned. It is amazing how much power we unintentianally give to others.

 

But it's down the rabbit hole we go.

 

PS. Her reply was gentile and civil. Whatever this turns out to be it will not be a shouting match. Say a prayer for both of us. It I may post later, right now got to go the the gym work off some of my excess energy. Im not even going to check this for spelling, LOL.

 

Sorry to hear you've had such a rough night and I wish you luck with your meeting and hope it unfolds in a way which is good for you. Just be the person you want to be and you should come out feeling good about yourself, no matter what OW says. From your posts, it sounds like this is the way you typically behave in any case. If OW extends some kindness and/or apology, so much the better. As others have said, your real closure will come from within.

[spice4life]

It comes down to this, if both parties want to and agree to meet, why in the world should they not. Ashgirl isn't some doe eyed BS who is making a silly request. She has put a lot of thought into it and she has a need to do it. From the OW's reply, the ow has regretted her actions and she did apologize in my view it certainly sounded sincere. The ball is in the OW's court now and if she chooses not to meet, that's OK too.

 

I guess it bugs me that others assume that's it impossible for these two women to meet and talk and that nothing good will come of it. I think Ashgirl and the OW have both shown maturity and grace and I find it sad that people underestimate that these two can find some compassion and understanding for each other. Not believing that is possible is just buying into all the sad stereotypes that women so often attach to each other.

 

All I was trying to point out is that even there was a lot of thought put into this on ashvlle's part, you can make the request, but can't have any expectations attached to it. It's great that she agreed, but would also be perfectly within her right not to as well.

[spice4life]

I completely agree ladygrey. I hope this meeting proves to be a healing experience for both of them!

[KismetGirl]

Hi

 

Sorry if I miss an important post as I dont have much time and cant read them all....but,

 

I was once a frequent poster here....and spent a good 5+ years being an OW with a man that I really fell in love with, and who tells me to this day that he'll always love me in his own weird way, but he and I do not hang out, do anything, except for our professional relationship which is unavoidable. Weird. I am in my own happy (normal) relationship with someone else now, and I feel bad about the pain I likely caused my xMM's wife, but I have to say....I would not meet with her.

 

What's the point? It's not me that hurt her, per say, so much as was a participant in the process. Let's be honest-- it's the cheater who is doing the hurting. The MM, the MW, what have you.

 

If my xMM's wife emailed me (and she knows damn well how to find me, even on facebook)....it would serve no purpose. She never has, of course, and I think that is because she knows at the end of the day her problems are in her relationship and not with me, if that makes sense. Her relationship with her husband is what she should focus on, as should any BS. Focus shoudl not be on the OW. Especially if the OW is not even in the picture. If she was still sleeping with the MM....that's a different story and you ahve every right to tell her to back off. But its over. Its done.

 

You think you might get closure....you won't. You'll sit and stare at this woman. You'll wonder..."why her?". You'll look at her looks, you'll try to see if she's funnier than you, smarter than you, sexier than you. When in reality none of those things have anything to do with it usually anyway. A meeting with her will be awkward, uncomfortable, and potentially breed insecurity.

 

Especially two years later....just let it go and work on fixing your life. She is no longer a part of it and it shoudl stay that way. You may eventually run into her, and maybe you won't. You haven't for two years so I dont expect you will be seeing her every day anytime soon.

 

I don't know. I'd advise against a meeting, and as a former OW with plenty of regrets, I'd never want to meet up with my xMM's wife. There's just no purpose to it, for anyone. My humble opinion.

[woinlove]

Hi

 

Sorry if I miss an important post as I dont have much time and cant read them all....but,

 

I was once a frequent poster here....and spent a good 5+ years being an OW with a man that I really fell in love with, and who tells me to this day that he'll always love me in his own weird way, but he and I do not hang out, do anything, except for our professional relationship which is unavoidable. Weird. I am in my own happy (normal) relationship with someone else now, and I feel bad about the pain I likely caused my xMM's wife, but I have to say....I would not meet with her.

 

What's the point? It's not me that hurt her, per say, so much as was a participant in the process. Let's be honest-- it's the cheater who is doing the hurting. The MM, the MW, what have you.

 

If my xMM's wife emailed me (and she knows damn well how to find me, even on facebook)....it would serve no purpose. She never has, of course, and I think that is because she knows at the end of the day her problems are in her relationship and not with me, if that makes sense. Her relationship with her husband is what she should focus on, as should any BS. Focus shoudl not be on the OW. Especially if the OW is not even in the picture. If she was still sleeping with the MM....that's a different story and you ahve every right to tell her to back off. But its over. Its done.

 

You think you might get closure....you won't. You'll sit and stare at this woman. You'll wonder..."why her?". You'll look at her looks, you'll try to see if she's funnier than you, smarter than you, sexier than you. When in reality none of those things have anything to do with it usually anyway. A meeting with her will be awkward, uncomfortable, and potentially breed insecurity.

 

Especially two years later....just let it go and work on fixing your life. She is no longer a part of it and it shoudl stay that way. You may eventually run into her, and maybe you won't. You haven't for two years so I dont expect you will be seeing her every day anytime soon.

 

I don't know. I'd advise against a meeting, and as a former OW with plenty of regrets, I'd never want to meet up with my xMM's wife. There's just no purpose to it, for anyone. My humble opinion.

 

Ashvllgrl is already scheduled to meet the OW today. They've both agreed. Everyone is different. And even the same person can change. I used to feel the same way as you that it wasn't me hurting anyone. But over the years, I've changed, and I have decided that I don't want to participate in secret affairs again, not just because of the potential unhappiness that could bring to me, but also because of the hurt it could bring to the MM's family, as well as to the MM himself. Maybe this particular OW feels more like I do now, maybe she feels more like you do (although the fact that she said she wanted to apologize to Ashvllgrl suggests she feels more like me).

 

In any case, they are meeting and Ashvllgrl has had an anxious night already. But I have confidence that Ashvllgrl will handle it with grace.

[woinlove]

I didn't see that LG had already responded with much the same thing as I.

[KismetGirl]

Ashvllgrl is already scheduled to meet the OW today. They've both agreed. Everyone is different. And even the same person can change. I used to feel the same way as you that it wasn't me hurting anyone. But over the years, I've changed, and I have decided that I don't want to participate in secret affairs again, not just because of the potential unhappiness that could bring to me, but also because of the hurt it could bring to the MM's family, as well as to the MM himself. Maybe this particular OW feels more like I do now, maybe she feels more like you do (although the fact that she said she wanted to apologize to Ashvllgrl suggests she feels more like me).

 

In any case, they are meeting and Ashvllgrl has had an anxious night already. But I have confidence that Ashvllgrl will handle it with grace.

 

Sorry I missed that post, I'm not doubting her ability to handle it with grace, and if my xMM's wife had insisted we meet because she really needed it, I would out of respect for her. That isn't in question. You misinterpreted when I said it wasn't me doing the hurt...I'm saying that when you are a BS (and can I just say, I have been cheated on before) the "hurt" is because someone you love betrayed you. You're not hurt because you're so upset that this stranger you didn't know seduced your spouse or something. The hurt itself comes from the betrayal, and the betrayal comes from the person who you loved. The other person played a part, and it was one I would never play the part of again, but they weren't hurt by ME. They were hurt by what their husband did to them, and I happened to be a part of it. If it was another woman instead of me, she would be hurt just as much. Does that make more sense now? Anyway these are semantics and irrelevant to the point. Your subtle reference that I don't care that I hurt someone and you do are also really uncalled for I assure you. I'm not going to sit and torture myself for the rest of my life because I made a mistake and got involved with a married man. Regret is a wasted emotion-- importance is to learn from your mistakes and never repeat them. I learned my lesson and am a big girl now who would not make the same mistake twice. Being young does not excuse everything but I was nearly a decade younger when I started my affair than I am now and I assure you not the same person I was back then.

 

Regardless I think that for most cases, especially so much later, meeting does not make it better (with some exceptions). The risk is much more that the wound gets opened up again. My point for not being for the meeting was that it puts focus on the wrong person. Most affairs do not happen because the OW or OM was just so darn irresistable that the Married person couldn't resist. Usually it is because of some problem in the relationship, and that's where the focus should be. When I was cheated on my immediate anger was towards the OW, and why on earth would my partner at the time be tempted by her? The probem was that I wanted answers from her, but in the end I realised I should have focused on where the relationship itself had gone astray. She was a symptom of the problem....she was not the cause of it.

 

Anyway. But I hope for her sake she is in that exception category and that she gets some closure. I really do. I hope what she takes from her meeting is to understand what went wrong in her relationship and feel at peace. Obviously she has not found it up until now, and I wish her only the best. Cheers.

[woinlove]

Sorry I missed that post, I'm not doubting her ability to handle it with grace, and if my xMM's wife had insisted we meet because she really needed it, I would out of respect for her. That isn't in question. You misinterpreted when I said it wasn't me doing the hurt...I'm saying that when you are a BS (and can I just say, I have been cheated on before) the "hurt" is because someone you love betrayed you. You're not hurt because you're so upset that this stranger you didn't know seduced your spouse or something. The hurt itself comes from the betrayal, and the betrayal comes from the person who you loved. The other person played a part, and it was one I would never play the part of again, but they weren't hurt by ME. They were hurt by what their husband did to them, and I happened to be a part of it. If it was another woman instead of me, she would be hurt just as much. Does that make more sense now? Anyway these are semantics and irrelevant to the point. Your subtle reference that I don't care that I hurt someone and you do are also really uncalled for I assure you. I'm not going to sit and torture myself for the rest of my life because I made a mistake and got involved with a married man. Regret is a wasted emotion-- importance is to learn from your mistakes and never repeat them. I learned my lesson and am a big girl now who would not make the same mistake twice. Being young does not excuse everything but I was nearly a decade younger when I started my affair than I am now and I assure you not the same person I was back then.

 

Regardless I think that for most cases, especially so much later, meeting does not make it better (with some exceptions). The risk is much more that the wound gets opened up again. My point for not being for the meeting was that it puts focus on the wrong person. Most affairs do not happen because the OW or OM was just so darn irresistable that the Married person couldn't resist. Usually it is because of some problem in the relationship, and that's where the focus should be. When I was cheated on my immediate anger was towards the OW, and why on earth would my partner at the time be tempted by her? The probem was that I wanted answers from her, but in the end I realised I should have focused on where the relationship itself had gone astray. She was a symptom of the problem....she was not the cause of it.

 

Anyway. But I hope for her sake she is in that exception category and that she gets some closure. I really do. I hope what she takes from her meeting is to understand what went wrong in her relationship and feel at peace. Obviously she has not found it up until now, and I wish her only the best. Cheers.

 

This point may be a tj, but it does seem relevant to this thread and I think we just disagree on this. Or maybe I still misunderstand your perspective on this.

 

I view this as a continuum. I would not have an affair with my sister's or a friend's H. I would not have an affair with a colleague's or neighbour's H. Previously, I would and did have an affair with a stranger's H. I used to think that was completely different. I don't anymore. I've learned that I am happier when I treat even strangers in some matters like I might treat a neighbour or acquaintance. But a result of the way I think is that I do think of myself hurting the BW. That is just me. From what I have read and learned here, some BW do feel it should have mattered to the OW that MM was married to them and if the OW had thought about what it meant to the BW, how it might affect her, they would not get involved with MM. Although I haven't been a BW, to me this seems related to how I feel about my role as an OW.

 

The OW in this case said she wanted to apologize to Ashvllgrl. I don't think there would be any reason to apologize if one didn't think one had done something to hurt the BW. So I do think the OW in this particular case may feel similar to the way I feel, although I don't know for sure.

 

Am I wrong in getting the impression from your posts that you have no desire to apologize to the BW? I am just pointing out that some OW feel differently. I am not trying to accuse you of anything. I am trying to understand your view, which I think differs from my own. Maybe on that we can agree?

[KismetGirl]

This point may be a tj, but it does seem relevant to this thread and I think we just disagree on this. Or maybe I still misunderstand your perspective on this.

 

I view this as a continuum. I would not have an affair with my sister's or a friend's H. I would not have an affair with a colleague's or neighbour's H. Previously, I would and did have an affair with a stranger's H. I used to think that was completely different. I don't anymore. I've learned that I am happier when I treat even strangers in some matters like I might treat a neighbour or acquaintance. But a result of the way I think is that I do think of myself hurting the BW. That is just me. From what I have read and learned here, some BW do feel it should have mattered to the OW that MM was married to them and if the OW had thought about what it meant to the BW, how it might affect her, they would not get involved with MM. Although I haven't been a BW, to me this seems related to how I feel about my role as an OW.

 

The OW in this case said she wanted to apologize to Ashvllgrl. I don't think there would be any reason to apologize if one didn't think one had done something to hurt the BW. So I do think the OW in this particular case may feel similar to the way I feel, although I don't know for sure.

 

Am I wrong in getting the impression from your posts that you have no desire to apologize to the BW? I am just pointing out that some OW feel differently. I am not trying to accuse you of anything. I am trying to understand your view, which I think differs from my own. Maybe on that we can agree?

 

Yes you are getting the wrong impression. I didn't say I have no apologetic desire-- I said that I feel my apology would be pointless in her healing, and that, in her position, which I've been, continuing to put this woman in my face after two years is prolonging pain and not ending it.

 

Yeah it's fine, I am saying that I think my apology is irrelevant. If I spoke to her I'd apologise, but I personally think it's pretty meaningless to her and wouldn't make her feel better. Of course the OW said she wants to apologise. What else should she say if she's an otherwise normal human being-- "I don't want to apologise , I want to tell you you're an idiot and I feel no regrets for sleeping with your husband"? Most people aren't that cruel to someone's face, regardless of being the OW.

 

If she wanted me to come apologise to her, sure. But I think contacting a woman who is trying to heal, let alone after so much time has passed, serves no purpose except tearing the band-aid off a wound that is still healing so as to assuage my own guilt. I am pretty certain that my xMM's wife has no desire to ever see me or hear about me ever again. I did her the favour of blocking her on facebook to prevent her sitting and staring at my pictures online trying to understand who I am and why her husband would want to be with me at any point when that is not the point at all and he never wanted to leave her for me anyway. He told me once he caught her looking up my profile on facebook. I understand why she would do it, the same reason I used to look up hers-- wondering why he would marry her and not want to be in that kind of a relationship with me. And strangely, she was looking at mine, probably wondering why he'd do this to her with me, what was so wonderful about me, who was this mystery OW who seduced her husband or whatever, etc. Wasted time and insecurity on both of our parts and we are better off and happier forgetting about each other's existence.

 

I think, in some ways, if I were her I would be too angry to give a damn if some OW was trying to relieve her own guilt by apologising to me. Just my opinion. It's not that I don't feel bad about it, and certainly it is "easier" to sleep with a married man of a stranger than a friend, that goes without saying. But when you are young, stupid, and being selfish I dont think you think about it that much. Even when it has happened to you. Which is strange as you forget the pain you went through to do it to someone else. Which is not a strange phenomenon in itself unfortunately. People often do to others what they themselves were hurt by. Anyway this is off topic, I only meant to contribute to the original question. Sometimes these threads get long and reading all of them word for word is like having another part-time job in and of itself and Ive already spent too much time on here tonight when I have god knows how much work to do. Procrastination at its finest sometimes. I spend all day helping people. I would say I'm generally considered to be a compassionate, caring, sympathetic person. And me, llike many others, were and are capable of doing not-so-nice things even though once upon a time we said we'd never do anythng like that. Emotions preclude rational judgement. Sometimes even for five years as was my case.

 

Look, perhaps I am not explaining myself sufficiently (though god knows normally verbal eloquence is one of my finer points) but everyone is different. For me, no amount of apologies from an OW would make me feel better. Because it has nothing to do with her. if my relationship has problems, as I said, she is a symptom-- not a cause of it. She just happened to be there at the right time. I am not one of those people who needs some random OW to apologise to me to remind me that there are still gracious and good people out there who know how to apologise. If that seems cynical, it's not. It's actually a positive outlook. I don't think most people are evil or bad. My xMM to everyone he knows appears the epitome of wonderful husband and father. Damn near perfection of a family man to everyone. Everyone has secrets and no one is as good a person as they seem, because everyone makes mistakes in life. I don't expect everyone to go around apologising for everything because after a while it really doesn't do anything, because apologies, oftentimes, are ways to assuage your own guilt and not to really make the other person feel better.

 

If you were cheated on by your husband, would it REALLY make you feel better if the OW apologised? I mean, seriously? If so, kudos to you. To me, I'd have rather never seen her or heard about her ever again. The insecurities of "is she somehow better than me for him to go to her?" are a risky thing and easy to exemplify, when these are not the point of any affair to begin with. The apologies should be coming from the person who betrayed you, not the stranger who happened to be there to distract the person who betrayed you. In my personal experience, and dealing with patients in therapy in the past, I did not meet many BS's who felt better confronting their OW's. Usually it served to increase insecurity, distract from the relationship (which was the real problem), and cause more anger.

 

To me, two years later is a concern to still be focused on the OW at this point. This OW is poison, whether the poison comes with an apology or not is irrelevant in the long run.

 

If her husband cheated on her again, with a different woman, would she need an apology from this new woman to feel better about it? Where does it end? I found out that my xMM had had a brief physical fling with some girl after I left (not as long as with me, but perhaps a few months). WOuld his wife need apologies from me AND this other woman? Would that do ANYTHING, honestly? Or would the better idea be focusing on the relationship with her husband and why this is a continous problem? This is my point in why the focus, here, is on the wrong person. Fix your relationship with your spouse. The OW could be her or it could be another woman. You only have one husband. And that's who your energy should be invested in coming to peace with, or what's the point of the relationship anymore. You need to fix yourself , and you need to fix your relationship with your husband, and the OW should be a memory and that's it.

 

But you know what, they are exceptions to every rule, as I said. MAYBE she'll feel better after her meeting. I hope she does, and I hope she comes back here and says it was the best decision she ever made to meet up with this woman. Would I recommend to every person two years later after they've been betrayed to keep talking to the OW? No. Because , again, I think the energy and time invested in thinking about the OW is energy and time invested in thinking about the one person in this triangle who had the least importance in it for reasons stated herein.

 

Did that clear it up? If it didnt, apologies, not sure how else to say it. In summation I do not disagree with you, though to be fair I did not ever think it was ok to have an affair. I think that, perhaps, as an adult now I have a much better grasp and rationality over my emotions than I did almost ten years ago. Ask anyone what they were like at circa 20 years and then circa 30 years and I'd say most are nearly night and day. ;-) I know I was.

 

Anyway, I hope after today's meeting that she finds what she's looking for, and let's it go and focuses on her own life and moving forward. Two years wasted is enough time, I think.

 

That's all. I'm tired, sorry, long day.

[woinlove]

Long post, so I'll only make it through the first half, just addressing points I think are relevant to Ash's case being discussed on this thread.

 

Yes you are getting the wrong impression. I didn't say I have no apologetic desire-- I said that I feel my apology would be pointless in her healing, and that, in her position, which I've been, continuing to put this woman in my face after two years is prolonging pain and not ending it.

 

An apology can be unwelcome and if one knows that to be the case, probably the kind thing to do is not apologize. Usually the default is to apologize if one feels one has hurt or slighted someone and feels bad about doing so. In this case, Ashvllgrl has told us that she would welcome an apology, so I don't see an apology here as pointless at all.

 

 

 

Yeah it's fine, I am saying that I think my apology is irrelevant. If I spoke to her I'd apologise, but I personally think it's pretty meaningless to her and wouldn't make her feel better.

 

But it isn't irrelevant or meaningless to Ash and that is what is most relevant to this thread.

 

Of course the OW said she wants to apologise. What else should she say if she's an otherwise normal human being-- "I don't want to apologise , I want to tell you you're an idiot and I feel no regrets for sleeping with your husband"? Most people aren't that cruel to someone's face, regardless of being the OW.

 

No, she likely would simply not answer. We've had plenty of threads on this forum called "Unapologetic OW" or something similar and quite a few posters identifying themselves as such. So, yes, there are OW who feel strongly they have nothing to apologize for. I've debated with a few here on LS and I am pretty certain they would not tell the BW they were so sorry just because the BW sent them an email asking to meet.

 

If you were cheated on by your husband, would it REALLY make you feel better if the OW apologised? I mean, seriously?

 

I don't know but I don't see what that has to do with a BW, like Ash, who would like to see some remorse or apology (which by the way, she said she wasn't expecting, but she would appreciate it). I'll take Ash's word for what she feels.

 

The apologies should be coming from the person who betrayed you, not the stranger who happened to be there to distract the person who betrayed you.

 

Statements like the above make it unclear to me whether you think an OW should have any reason to apologize, i.e. whether the OW decisions or actions hurt the BW in any way, and that the OW might take responsibility for. From other parts of your post, I thought maybe you thought so, but the above makes me think not. So, I'm not clear on how you view the OW's actions with respect to the BW.

 

To me, two years later is a concern to still be focused on the OW at this point. This OW is poison, whether the poison comes with an apology or not is irrelevant in the long run.

 

One thing I have learned from LS is that BW (and OW too) can take a long time to fully move on from all the effects of a secret affair. So, I no longer think 2 years is so unusual to still be dealing with some issues.

[ashvllgrl]

haven't read post since my last. She was perfectly nice. I was perfectly nice.

 

Right now Im not doing so hot emotionaly, hard to explain. . Probably going on a long road trip out west tomorrow,

 

Emotional... NOt going to post what I origninally wrote.

 

sorry folks. ,,

 

Every thing about infidelity is just f**cked...

[woinlove]

haven't read post since my last. She was perfectly nice. I was perfectly nice.

 

Right now Im not doing so hot emotionaly, hard to explain. . Probably going on a long road trip out west tomorrow,

 

Emotional... NOt going to post what I origninally wrote.

 

sorry folks. ,,

 

Every thing about infidelity is just f**cked...

 

I'm sorry you are feeling bad. No need to apologize to us, just take care of yourself. I hope your trip helps. You are right about infidelity.

[Furious]

haven't read post since my last. She was perfectly nice. I was perfectly nice.

 

Right now Im not doing so hot emotionaly, hard to explain. . Probably going on a long road trip out west tomorrow,

 

Emotional... NOt going to post what I origninally wrote.

 

sorry folks. ,,

 

Every thing about infidelity is just f**cked...[/

 

 

Reading this, breaks my heart.

[findingnemo]

AG, I'm glad you had the meeting. I'm not surprised that it left you feeling weird. It was bound to...especially if one discovers that the OW isn't some kind of monster. My interaction with one OW left me with the distinct impression that I was sleeping with my enemy. The problem was my H as he had completely hoodwinked another young woman with terrible or terrific stories designed to elicit maximum sympathy for himself.

 

Maybe I was more sympathetic to her since the other two were clear bunny boilers. But at the end of the day, I realized that she and I had been placed in the positions of BW and OW by the same man. Unfortunately for me, I was yoked to him for life, or so it seemed at the time. Arrrgh!! Remembering it all makes me sick.

[KismetGirl]

KismetGirl I don't want to get into a debate about it but I just can't free that the OW hasn't hurt the wife. It perfectly possible that BOTH parties hurt the wife in things they did, said, asked for and talked about during the affair, not to mention many times the AP was pursuing the MP for the affair before the MP ever betrayed their partner so obviously they were trying to hurt the wife- hence she feels hurt. I just don't think it's ever helpful to minimize the role of the AP. the hurt is different (it's an attack not a betrayal of commitment) but its still hurt. I hold H and xOW equally responsible for my hurt buys in different ways.

 

Fair enough, I dont disagree. To be fair....The OP doesn't seem very thrilled or at peace after her meeting with the OW. Maybe Im wrong. I think she would have been better off trying to forget about this woman and not speaking to her anymore at this point. For some reason people aren't understanding my point about the apology from the OW and why I think it's fairly meaningless, but just forget I said anything about it because it doesnt matter.

 

My point is that I think the OP should have just forgotten about this OW and tried to heal in other ways. She is continuing to put salt in her wounds by looking for apologies that mean very little in her healing process, and answers that she will not find from the OW. Does this make any sense at all? My point was that, when you are betrayed, you are confused and hurt, and you want meaning and answers to understand your pain so it can go away, and it is so mind boggling how someone you love could hurt you that you turn to the stranger (the OW) hoping you'll get some understanding in the matter from that end, and truly, you won't, because the OW, while she should have "more respect for a fellow woman", at the end of the day has nothing personal against you because she doesn't know you. Should she have realised this is wrong to do to someone? Sure, but having been on both sides of the fence, to be honest, when I was in the midst of the affair I was so emotional about my xMM that most of the time I forgot his wife existed. If that sounds cruel it's not meant to be-- being in an affair is about being selfish, for both the OW and the MM. The answers this OP is seeking....she will not find them from the OW. She will not find peace there, from that source. Perhaps it's good she went for the meeting so she won't wonder "what if" about meeting with her, but I do not think any good has come out of it. At least not from what I can see, and from what I have seen many, many times in the past from my own patients. My career has made me privy to the personal lives of many people, many of them in these exact situations. I've never met one person who felt better by confronting the OW/OM. They've felt better confronting their spouses, yes, because the relationship should be the focus. But conversations with the OW? Never.

 

There are Exceptions to every rule of course, but I have not seen the OP come posting about how happy she is now that she had her meeting. Perhaps she will prove me wrong. I hope she is one of the exceptions who does feel better after confronting the OW. But it sure doesn't seem that way most of the time.

 

I wish her the best of luck. I just hope she finds a better way of dealing with her pain, because what she has been doing so far is obviously not working very well, from my limited knowledge of her.

 

Anyway most of my points seem to be going over people's heads here, and maybe I'm not explaining them correctly but I'm unsure how to explain it anymore at this point. Sometimes words on a page just don't come across the right way, so I'm going to give up on this thread at the moment and just wish the OP luck, and that I hope she can now put this woman out of her priorities and move forward with her life. There is no point to living if you do not try to figure out how to make it better. Infidelity is horrendous, but it is something that you can still have a life after. People need to want to move forward. Wallowing does not help you, especially not for two years. Stepping backwards does not always help to move forwards.

 

I went to a funeral this morning for the four-year old daughter of one of my patients who was killed in a car accident last week. THIS woman will never be the same again. I think that she would probably rather be cheated on by her husband 35 times just to have her daughter back for one second. Pain is relative, and someone always has it worse than you. People are resilient creatures, if they wish to be, but they need to realise that sometimes there is NO rationale for why something happens. I think the OP is so upset because she still wants to know WHY after all this time this happened to her. Sometimes you never find out 'Why", because sometimes there is no good reason. After a while we need to learn how to just accept that things happened, and that we should love ourselves enough to learn how to move forward with our lives. Life is too short to keep pouring salt on the same wounds over and over again.

 

Good luck, OP, I hope you found whatever answers you were looking for and that you don't have to be hurt anymore. Everyone deserves to be happy, and I know you will find a way to be happy again one day. Best of luck to you.

[Spark1111]

Hi

 

Sorry if I miss an important post as I dont have much time and cant read them all....but,

 

I was once a frequent poster here....and spent a good 5+ years being an OW with a man that I really fell in love with, and who tells me to this day that he'll always love me in his own weird way, but he and I do not hang out, do anything, except for our professional relationship which is unavoidable. Weird. I am in my own happy (normal) relationship with someone else now, and I feel bad about the pain I likely caused my xMM's wife, but I have to say....I would not meet with her.

 

What's the point? It's not me that hurt her, per say, so much as was a participant in the process. Let's be honest-- it's the cheater who is doing the hurting. The MM, the MW, what have you.

 

If my xMM's wife emailed me (and she knows damn well how to find me, even on facebook)....it would serve no purpose. She never has, of course, and I think that is because she knows at the end of the day her problems are in her relationship and not with me, if that makes sense. Her relationship with her husband is what she should focus on, as should any BS. Focus shoudl not be on the OW. Especially if the OW is not even in the picture. If she was still sleeping with the MM....that's a different story and you ahve every right to tell her to back off. But its over. Its done.

 

You think you might get closure....you won't. You'll sit and stare at this woman. You'll wonder..."why her?". You'll look at her looks, you'll try to see if she's funnier than you, smarter than you, sexier than you. When in reality none of those things have anything to do with it usually anyway. A meeting with her will be awkward, uncomfortable, and potentially breed insecurity.

 

Especially two years later....just let it go and work on fixing your life. She is no longer a part of it and it shoudl stay that way. You may eventually run into her, and maybe you won't. You haven't for two years so I dont expect you will be seeing her every day anytime soon.

 

I don't know. I'd advise against a meeting, and as a former OW with plenty of regrets, I'd never want to meet up with my xMM's wife. There's just no purpose to it, for anyone. My humble opinion.

 

Kismetly, no offense to you and Summer Breeze, but I hate this line of thinking....I really do.

 

You enabled him to hurt her big time by assuming the role of mistress.

 

C'mon.

 

You think he went home and was all sweetness and light with his spouse?

 

Few cheaters, except for the real sociopaths, are able to do that.

 

Probably he demeaned her, was distant with her, cold and critical sometimes, because all he could think of was getting back into your bed.

 

Or maybe he grew less affectionate, or moody.

 

Were you ever cheated on?

 

I don't think this is an OW/OM thing....I think it is a HUMAN thing to try to have the grace and courage to meet with someone you helped to hurt.

 

Happens everyday in relationships of all kinds.

 

If you are truly moved on and healed, why would revisiting your thoughts or feelings THEN, while in the affair, be an issue for you today?

 

If you owned your actions then, or now, what would be the skin off of your nose to meet?

 

No offense to anyone, but it seems cowardly and avoidant still....if asked nicely, to not do so.

[woinlove]

Kismet, I'm surprised that you think Ash is wallowing and should be moving on and emphasize she shouldn't be feeling what she is feeling because it is 2 years. You posted for over two years trying to disentangle from MM, and your own situation is not unique in that respect. You went through years of on and off, NC/LC/C cycles, setbacks here and there, before moving on. Why should a BW heal and move on so much quicker than an OW? I am so happy for you that you have moved on and are with a man you love who loves you. But, it wasn't always that way and if you reflect a bit on what it used to be like for you, you may understand Ash better.

 

I agree there is a line between wallowing and healing, but I don't know what you see in Ash's particular case that suggests to you she should be over all this. And, of course, for the entire OW/OM/infidelity forums, one could say some people have it worse. But their pain is still real. So much of people's dreams and aspirations are intertwined with their chosen or desired life partners, that the pain one sees in this forum is not surprising.

[KismetGirl]

Responses to follow.

 

Trust me, LadyGrey, from your responses to me, I assure you that you did not get the message I was trying to get across. I apologise that I'm unable to sufficiently word it so you understand what I'm really trying to say.

 

She put a public message on a public board, I read the first one, and she did appear to be asking for input, and so I gave my opinion.

 

I have been an xOW ....AND I have also been a BS and someone that has been cheated on myself. I've seen it from both sides, and I would venture to say my opinion is as relevant as yours and I am just as in the right to express it as yours. Feel free to shake your head all you like, because I guarantee you, you are missing the point of what I wrote.

 

It's irrelevant. You're thread-jacking the post right now, my original post was to the OP, not to you. i did not insult her in any way, I gave my opinion, much as you are having the right to give yours. She came on here with her story and for input, and I have my opinion that it was not a good idea for her to meet with the OW. End of story, and if she does not want to hear mine, she is welcome to ignore it. It is not for you to decide. She is an adult and can take into consideration whichever opinions she would like to. The point of a board is to get varied opinions from people with different life experiences. End of story. it is not your place to decide who replies to her and how they reply. I was in no way disrespectful, nor did I call her names, insult her, or talk down to her. I have her MY opnion, from MY life experiences as BOTH an xOW and an xBS at different points in my life, and if you do not like them you are welcome to ignore them.

 

Have a wonderful day. I am done. Here on out you are talking to yourself.

 

OP, sorry for the threadjack. Again, I hope you find what answers you are looking for.

[woinlove]

I don't know if it is a t/j, but I've been responding to your posts Kismet because I don't want Ash to feel even worse when she feels vulnerable. You have a right to say what she did was wrong or harmful in your opinion, but I don't see how saying she is wallowing, should be over this now, it's not as bad as death, is helpful. Nothing specific to her case has been mentioned that suggests her path to healing should be shorter than yours or others.

 

Ash has it right in her statement about infidelity.

[Stephanie]

The meeting has now happened and the OP has stated she's taking some time off so let this rest. If OP comes back and wants to discuss the outcome of the meeting, a new thread would be most appropriate anyway.