how to reconcile with an insecure, ex-gf dumper?

[whattodough]

I'm come to the conclusion that NC will only convey the wrong message, and if anything confirm in her mind she was right, and that I agree that things can't work, and just serve to push her away further. I admit, I did NC the first 3 weeks after the break up, and I think it only served to make things worse. I believe my ex to be very insecure, and to have projected a lot of her own issues upon myself, especially post break up. After only a week she started dating a new guy she met online dating, and after dating him a week or so, she started dating another guy after only meeting him in person for ~ 10 days. Can anyone provide an insight with how to proceed? I'm not sure now, but she had been taking any posts I made regarding my own self improvement on FB, as jabs at her, and that they made her very resentful that I'd do so much to better myself after the relationship. I stopped posting as much to try to reduce that, but I'm still very much improving myself. Is there anything I can do as an alternative to NC, especially since she is "in a relationship" with someone currently? I text her maybe once a week or so, sometimes we text for a few hours, she's yet to initiate, and phone is not an option as she believes I'll convince her to get back with me over it. Apparently she feels more empowered via text.

 

Anything would be great, thank you.

[LogicallyIllogical]

It sounds like you're being strung along, but by yourself more than your ex. She dumped you and started dating someone new right away? Why would you want her back? I know you want to be with her so that your pain can go away, but you have to realize that she's the one causing the pain. It's like you have 3rd degree burns on your hands, but you keep sticking them into the fire and expect them to heal.

 

NC won't drive her away. She's already dating other guys, so she's already gone, sorry to say. If anything, NC might make her wonder what she's lost. If she contacts you, great. If not, then she's losing out on you and it just wasn't meant to be(as cliche as it sounds, it's true). NC is for you. You need to take some time to clear your head, and it won't be easy. It's good that you're working to improve yourself, but if you're doing it to try to prove to her that you're changing, you're in it for the wrong reasons. Improve yourself(physically, mentally, emotionally) so that you can be the best possible you, and you're next relationship(whether it's with your ex or someone else) will benefit because of the work you're doing.

 

Anyway, I think you're asking the wrong question. How do you reconcile with your insecure ex-gf dumper? You don't. You have some self-respect and go NC. She dumped you and wasted no time before dating other guys. Don't be her doormat or back-up plan. Just my opinion, anyway.

[vintageOne13]

agree with that ^

[whattodough]

Would it defeat the purpose of NC if I was to put my thoughts/feelings on things on paper, and send it to her before starting NC? Mostly to help ease my mind that my stance is known so I won't be sitting there wondering "what if she doesn't know...".

 

What do you think?

[immitable]

Well, it depends on the relationship you had with her and her and your age and the bond you had.

 

How long since the bu?

 

She is trying to move on, she broke up with you for some reason known to her or more reasons and thinks she can do better.

The problem is that she didn't look at her mistakes during the realtionship with you and her behaviour which allowed you to treat her in some way etc.

 

She needs time to self-reflect and it is a long process, whereas some people totally lack introspective.

See you can't just stop loving someone just like that, her love for you changed its form.

 

You should use this time apart to reflect on yourself and realise what it is that drew her away from you.

In time, if you are willing to change that what bothered her in the first place try contacting her if you feel like you want to start something new with her or just discard her.

 

Her dating other guys is just fooling herself as her feelings are going to resurface some time down the road and it is called baggage.

[whattodough]

We dated a month shy of 2 years. She's about to turn 26, and I'm about to turn 30, both within the next 5 weeks. The break up was on March 4th, so it's been almost 2 months. The day after the break up I emailed her to discuss, as I knew, like in the past, she won't discuss things over the phone, she's afraid I'll convince her to try again. In the email she replied back with she made it clear she didn't want to discuss things further, so I really didn't mention much relationship wise, and went NC for 3 weeks. I was trying to give her space, but I feel that perhaps it wasn't the best thing to do if I wanted to reconcile. In the past though, she's been one to say something like, "never call me again," and walk out the door, to call me in the next 10-30 min and express how mad she was that I didn't call or care about her... when in fact it's the total opposite. So it's hard for me to judge what she says from what she really means, which has made this whole process a lot harder. She did tell me that it was final, but unfortunately she used similar words back in July when she broke up the first time.

 

It's hard to have her tell me we have so much chemistry/potential/love for each other/when things are great their perfect etc, to have her say 2mos later that we are entirely mismatched. She had never used that term or anything like it prior, and honestly, we broke up on the plane ride from NC back to home, after visiting her friend for a few days down there...her friend which while we were staying with, encouraged my ex to break up with me, over ridiculous reasons. My ex let me know, said she stood up for me, and that her friend is always trying to break up her relationships (i dont know if her friend is jealous or has some other motives, no clue, but who suggests a break up after meeting someone for 3 days?) but needless to say, the next day on the flight home after a small disagreement on the plane (in regards to what her friend had said/done/etc) my ex said she was done and that was it. After we got home I tried to get her to stay and talk, or just sleep on it, but she told me she wanted to "remember how mad" she was. What made this even more difficult, is that she knows she takes a long time to come down from being mad, and how it clouds her judgement/has her seeing red/totally false perspective on things, for up to a day, before she sees any positive in the relationship. I think it really goes to show how insecure she is when a friend, that she's known for 10 years, but rarely sees these days is able to basically decide her relationship for her.

 

We had started counseling, and had been going 2-3 mos before we broke up, and I personally made a lot of changes, the therapist would vouch and did, but when my ex broke up, she mentioned how nothing had changed etc, diminished all the work and effort I put in to being a better person for the both of us etc.

 

The other thing that makes it difficult is she has a Master's in psych/therapy, so she's really able to spot the flaws in others, but she's really unable to see them in herself, or at least own up to them / do something positive to address them. Once in the past she told me after a 24 hr breakup, she emailed and told me how it was embarrassing because she does this for a living and can help others, but cant help herself. Part of me blames myself for not being more persistent to try to get her to address her own issues, just as I had done (prior to getting back after the last break up), before we started a relationship again.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

What do you want?

 

You pointed out that she is insecure, is that something you can live with? Everyone is insecure to a point but if it gets to the point that it is causing problems it's time to step back and regroup. If you can live with it, and you WANT to be with her then there really is no question, is there?

 

What do you want?

 

[whattodough]

What do you want?

 

You pointed out that she is insecure, is that something you can live with? Everyone is insecure to a point but if it gets to the point that it is causing problems it's time to step back and regroup. If you can live with it, and you WANT to be with her then there really is no question, is there?

 

What do you want?

 

 

Honestly, I am more than capable/willing/wanting to be with her given her insecurities, but I would like for her to be able to at least acknowledge some of them, the ones that really interfere with the relationship, and ideally, I'd like for her to actually talk to someone about them.

 

There's nothing wrong with having some issues, I totally agree, we all do, but I think when it gets to the point where they are being projected on the people who love you / causing relationships to have problems where there "really" aren't any, that it's time to address them, or at least try to.

 

Prior to us getting back together, I did my own therapy, and she was very pleased etc, so we got back, but then we engaged in couples therapy, which according to the therapist/myself, was going very well as well, but my ex was still not happy with it, and I think what needed to happen was for her to engage in own self-help, prior to us being able to engage in mutual therapy as a couple.

 

So long story short, sorry for rambling, I'd like to be with her no matter what, but I am understanding that it can't happen unless she's willing to address the issues with herself that are really manifesting/complicating other issues with us as a couple. I'll do whatever personally as well, self improvement, be there etc. I'm not trying to point any blame on her, but it's become so evident to myself (and our therapist).

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Honestly, I am more than capable/willing/wanting to be with her given her insecurities, but I would like for her to be able to at least acknowledge some of them, the ones that really interfere with the relationship, and ideally, I'd like for her to actually talk to someone about them.

 

There's nothing wrong with having some issues, I totally agree, we all do, but I think when it gets to the point where they are being projected on the people who love you / causing relationships to have problems where there "really" aren't any, that it's time to address them, or at least try to.

 

Prior to us getting back together, I did my own therapy, and she was very pleased etc, so we got back, but then we engaged in couples therapy, which according to the therapist/myself, was going very well as well, but my ex was still not happy with it, and I think what needed to happen was for her to engage in own self-help, prior to us being able to engage in mutual therapy as a couple.

 

So long story short, sorry for rambling, I'd like to be with her no matter what, but I am understanding that it can't happen unless she's willing to address the issues with herself that are really manifesting/complicating other issues with us as a couple. I'll do whatever personally as well, self improvement, be there etc. I'm not trying to point any blame on her, but it's become so evident to myself (and our therapist).

 

Ok, it sounds like you have a decent handle on the situation. Just remember that you cannot change somebody else, no matter how much you want to and how hard you try. It's not your job to "fix" somebody. That doesn't mean that you have to bolt, just have your eyes open and accept it. If you are aware of this and try to make it work then be prepared for a bumpy ride. A lifetime of insecurity is not going to go away quickly, if at all.

 

Wish you luck, just don't forget to take care of YOU. If you throw yourself under the bus for somebody else in the hopes they will better themselves you are likely setting yourself up for failure.

 

Don't mean to sound all doom and gloom but it's reality, sometimes a relationship is worth saving and fighting for. Sometimes it isn't.

 

Only you can decide which is the case here...

[whattodough]

Honestly though, at this point what I want doesn't really seem to matter eh? As she's convinced we're not going to work, and is seeing someone, so I'm sure there's plenty of distraction for her to not think about me/us. I have no idea what's going on in her head, but I know she's sticking to her plan of not initiating contact or talking over the phone.

 

I contact her by text maybe once a week and sometimes its quick sometimes we text for a few hours. She has her relationship status on FB set to hidden so none of her friends see it, including myself, but the guy she's dating has it visible, which is the only reason I'm aware. She hasn't mentioned it, so I haven't brought it up (since I guess I'm not supposed to know), but I'm not really sure what to do from here. Stop contacting her altogether? Write out a thoughtful letter and mail it and then stop contact? I'm not really sure. I just want to know I've done what I can do, and know that she understands my feelings and there's no miscommunication.

 

Any suggestions? Thanks

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Honestly though, at this point what I want doesn't really seem to matter eh? As she's convinced we're not going to work, and is seeing someone, so I'm sure there's plenty of distraction for her to not think about me/us. I have no idea what's going on in her head, but I know she's sticking to her plan of not initiating contact or talking over the phone.

 

I contact her by text maybe once a week and sometimes its quick sometimes we text for a few hours. She has her relationship status on FB set to hidden so none of her friends see it, including myself, but the guy she's dating has it visible, which is the only reason I'm aware. She hasn't mentioned it, so I haven't brought it up (since I guess I'm not supposed to know), but I'm not really sure what to do from here. Stop contacting her altogether? Write out a thoughtful letter and mail it and then stop contact? I'm not really sure. I just want to know I've done what I can do, and know that she understands my feelings and there's no miscommunication.

 

Any suggestions? Thanks

 

Well if she doesn't want you and is seeing somebody else, my suggestion is hold on to your dignity and just leave her be. No contact, no last letter, nothing. Just go live your life.

 

Anything else is just asking for pain.

[whattodough]

Well if she doesn't want you and is seeing somebody else, my suggestion is hold on to your dignity and just leave her be. No contact, no last letter, nothing. Just go live your life.

 

Anything else is just asking for pain.

 

I guess my thinking with the last letter was, to have no expectations from it, just to voice everything that's been on my mind, and use it as something therapeutic, and also to help me realize that I really have done all i can do, and now she knows exactly how i feel, so no worries of any miscommunication etc. I really think that would be what I need to be able to walk away.

 

You think it's fine as long as I do it without any expectations?

[flitzanu]

Would it defeat the purpose of NC if I was to put my thoughts/feelings on things on paper, and send it to her before starting NC? Mostly to help ease my mind that my stance is known so I won't be sitting there wondering "what if she doesn't know...".

 

What do you think?

 

i don't think it would serve any purpose except to validate EVEN MORE how she has you wrapped around her finger, while she's out wrapping herself around other dudes' fingers.

 

she knows how you feel, you don't have to write a big long letter. she wouldn't have been with you in a relationship if she didn't know how you felt about her.

[whattodough]

i don't think it would serve any purpose except to validate EVEN MORE how she has you wrapped around her finger, while she's out wrapping herself around other dudes' fingers.

 

she knows how you feel, you don't have to write a big long letter. she wouldn't have been with you in a relationship if she didn't know how you felt about her.

 

I guess what made me think about writing the letter mostly, was how she interpreted my 3 weeks NC as me realizing I couldn't keep the promises I had made to her, and that she was right about saying so. I don't believe for a second I can't do everything I said, I'd like to have her know that at the least.

 

I would think if she assumes I don't think I can keep my own promises, there's certainly no hope of any resolution in the future. That's all I guess.

 

I hear you though how it would look like to her that I'm even more wrapped around her finger, and it may come across needy etc., which I know she hates.

 

Still thinking forget the letter?

[LogicallyIllogical]

Still thinking forget the letter?

 

You said you didn't want to push her away with NC, right? Well, sending a letter will definitely push her away even further. Sending her a letter and detailing how you feel and the hope you have of reconciling will give her reassurance that has you in her back pocket. She knows how you feel and she knows how you get in touch with you.

 

Let's say, in your dream world, she came back tomorrow and begged you to take her back. Given the fact that she started seeing other guys immediately after dumping you, could you take her back? Would you take her back? I'm a big believer that whatever someone does before you start dating is inconsequential. However, once they dump you and start seeing/fooling around with someone else, I see them as damaged goods and no longer "mine". Again, just my two cents.

[esteem-jam]

Shes dating other guys, apparently she is not insecure enough if she does it. The "insecurity" is not why you broke up. It could be even bonus points, shes insecure you comfort her... all be happy, but it didnt work, she decided so.

[whattodough]

Shes dating other guys, apparently she is not insecure enough if she does it. The "insecurity" is not why you broke up. It could be even bonus points, shes insecure you comfort her... all be happy, but it didnt work, she decided so.

 

Are you saying because she dates other guys she's not insecure? I'm not implying her reasons for jumping into dating are based on her insecurity, for sure not ... I'd say it was based on her loneliness, living alone, working alone ( no coworkers during her hours), no friends near where she's living, etc... and perhaps a desire to get back into a relationship that she had, which id argue is a form of insecurity? she acknowledges she should take time for herself, but is going against her better judgement. id gather its prob a good idea to think about thinks after a relationship ends, rather than just jump into another? the inability to be able to be alone, reflects on something imo

 

As far as the insecurity not being why we broke up, I'd agree, to an extent. There were issues for sure. But what do you think the insecurity does to those issues? It adds additional complication and totally distorts the severity of everything. Basically the bad gets worse, and the good gets diminished. Eventually you get to a point where all you're doing is looking for the bad, and of course you're going to find it. The only reason I say this is because I lived with her, I saw it, she told me herself.

 

When I say insecurity, I should probably just say "personal issues" in general, as there are other issues at play aside from just self esteem/insecurity. I've mentioned before but, growing up in a household where her parents argued a lot, and are currently living together but dont speak and havent for the last 18 years, and the fact her mother hasnt left even though my ex tells her constantly, it really did a number on her. Any argument, basically brings back the thoughts of her mom and dad, and how it lead to what things are now for them, even though it's so remotely likely to actually lead to that.

 

Things like this aren't the root of the break up, you're right, but they certainly, certainly, take it to a level of disrepair. Until of course, she chooses to face the problems and work to improve, which she's more than capable of doing, if she can ever face them.

[flitzanu]

writing her a letter and pouring your heart out is just going to be smothering her even more. she's pushing you for space, and giving her a letter is just one more nail in that coffin. trust me, we all want to write that letter because we think our ex just "doesn't know how much we care" but they do. they've made up their minds, especially if they're out seeing other people, and they aren't going to stop and look back no matter how eloquently you express your feelings.

[Gulf-Delta]

This thread reminds me of my situation in someways....will read the rest later