More questions!

[David]

Ok - sorry to drag this on for more than its worth people but then why is it that there are so many couples which have multiple break-ups and they keep getting back together. The best example being Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. I ask this in context of my earlier post Fate / Destiny?

[Tony T]

After a period of time, people tend to forget all the crap they went through and, during times of vulnerability and weakness, just bring to mind the good parts.

 

The part of a relationship that is strongest and leaves the impression on the mind is the initial, heavy-duty intense passionate phase. That's what people remember.

 

So they get back together, completely forgetting the crap that tore them apart. Call it Attention Deficit Disorder, assorted learning disorders, or just plain and simple stupidity. A lot of it has to do with why they broke up. Some relationships can be repaired after a period of separation...but proportionately not many.

 

Remember, too, that you can remain absolutely madly in love with someone that you can't live with, who is terribly wrong for you. Many scholars credit the initial romantic attraction with the biological drive to reproduce. Reproduction really has nothing to do with two people living together compatibly. So you can love someone madly, have children with them, and be quite miserable.

 

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result. That's basically what these people do. The dynamics that ended a relationship almost always remain there.

 

Now some people do get back together and stay together. But there is no way to know if they are staying together out of happiness, or out of fear of being alone once again. There are some people who split and get back together quite happily and successfully.

 

But for the most part, when a relationship is over it should be declared over. So the best answer to your question is most likely they get back together for lack of anything better to do at the time, loneliness, longing for old times, etc.

 

In the case of Richard and Elizabeth, publicity, career, etc. probably drove them back. Elizabeth, however, is notorious for freely marrying almost anyone, anytime. Give her a call!!!

 

In most cases, people who go back to someone they broke up with for a good reason are just asking for trouble.

[Taressa]

Hi David,

 

Some of us step into patterns, choosing a certain type of person to receive a certain feeling back from them. Elizabeth and Richard were just in a pattern a little more obvious than those most of us fall into.

 

The making up phase of reuniting with old lovers is a glorious feeling... those familiar arms, the familiar touch. What a comfort an old lover can be. And for a moment, a month, a year we're blinded to the problems that drove us apart.

 

I DO believe there is one best choice of a mate out there for us, David, but I believe many of give our passions to the nearest stimulating and/or comforting person we find. Our loneliness can stimulate us into seeking out friends to enrichen our lives or to cling to someone near. The momentary joy of filled arms is not true love, just temporary happiness and comfort.

 

I believe the best is found only by pushing yourself through the loneliness to find happiness first in yourself.

[Nina]

I believe that there is one special person out there.

 

As for getting back together, it depends on the situation.

 

Most couples I know had at least one major break up adn got back together because they realized the triviality of certain issues in teh big picture. Other people seek out the same abusive environment in their relaitonships because of a multitude of psychological precursors: previous abusive relaitonships, unaffectionate or unavailable parents, parents who had a similar relationship pattern, etc. (there are HUNDREDS of reasons)

 

Sometimes people have unrealistic goals, or as Tony said they forget about what caused them to break up previously.

 

According to a study done by Karney, a psych researcher who's worked at UC Brekley adn the UNiversity of FLorida, a majority of people who breka off relaitonships find themselves confronting the same problems they had in their old relaitonships in their NEW ones, as well. This is because many incompatibilty issues (which seem to be so acceptible in the US) stem from PRESONAL DYSFUNCTION! Individual issues interfere with most relationships, hands down.

 

Why did so and so cheat? Because they had issues. Why does so and so belittle me when we argue? Personal issues that remain unaddressed because most people attribute interpersonal problems to external factors which are usually only minimally problematic.

[Tony T]

Nina:

 

Some very good insights here. It's still pretty crazy to go back to something that didn't work before...but people are very complex. You clarified a lots of things for me.

 

Thanks

[Deejette]

It is a miracle for couples to make it last at all, given so many personal issues in the other that are not really in their control.

 

The problem is that people do take things personally. If someone abuses me, it is hard for me to step back and say, "I understand why you are acting this way, I understand your issues. This is not really about me, it is about you and how you were treated in the past."

 

I take the easy way out and avoid people who try to abuse me. Even if those people are charismatic, charming, or handsome. I understand that there are people whose personality profile attracts abuse, neglect, and they experience it over and over again. They need help to get out of the situation, but can't seem to pull themselves out.

 

It takes greata effort to overcome a deep-seated pattern and not everyone is willing to make that effort. It is much easier to blame the other person.

Nina: Some very good insights here. It's still pretty crazy to go back to something that didn't work before...but people are very complex. You clarified a lots of things for me. Thanks