Is it real? I would LOVE to hear from you all.

[Only Human]

Okay here goes.

 

I never wanted to bother anyone with this deep dark secret, but I guess it's just come to a point that I need to let it out.

 

It's a very long story, but its one that comes from the heart and from a man who just needs your opinion so please bear with me.

 

It was back in college, several years ago, that I met my close group of friends that I still hang with today. I was 18, and I was still with my high school sweetheart who went to another university. In my close group of friends, there was this girl, let's call her 'Jane.' When I first met Jane, my first impression was the girl next door. She was pretty, pleasant and witty. At the time though, I wasn't attracted to her because I was very much in love with my high school girlfriend.

 

She eventually hooked up with one of my close guy friends from the same college course, and they were together for the rest of our college lives. It was all good, I had my girlfriend, I would hang out with my college buddies (which included her and the guy friend.) I always told myself though that if I there was anyone in my college group that I would have gone for if I were single, that it would have to be her. By the time we all graduated, me and my girlfriend had broken up (Jane was there for me and gave me relevant advice to get over it), and she eventually went abroad with her family after graduation. My guy friend was devastated, and they tried doing long distance, but as we all know, it ultimately failed.

 

1 year and half later in early 2010, Jane came back. Things didn't go too well for her abroad so she decided to come back. We kept in touch through facebook every now and then while she was there, but it was nothing really personal. My guy friend already had a new girlfriend and so it was usually me, her and our other friends who began to hang out. When she returned, I thought of a possibility that I never thought would happen. We were both single at the same time. I tried to shrug that thought, but as we hung out more and more, went out of town to beaches, had heart to heart talks (both sober and drunk ones) I found myself thinking about her more and more each day.

 

There was only one problem. THE BRO CODE. She and my buddy were together for around 3 years. And I had witnessed a majority of that time. I couldn't imagine the look of dissapointment on my friend's face and our other friends if they ever found out. And I had no idea if it was ever mutual.

 

Because of the bro code holding me back, I just tried hopelessly to forget my feelings for her. I went on dates, met new women, she met new men, and we would exchange stories about how bad our dates went.

 

During a drinking session at her place, we sort of had a truth or dare game amongst our group, (not including her ex) and we were asked that if we could date anyone among our college group considering the physical attributes and personality of the person, who would it be? Obviously, my answer was her. and as I crossed my fingers, her answer was me. We never talked about it after that.

 

It was terrible. I was crazy about her but I felt so helpless. It took one event for me to finally be able to veer away. We were out of town in some resort with some other friends, and she explained in detail about how crazy she was about this new guy, and that one night that she was with us that she dissapeared, she was actually with the guy. It really hurt to hear her talk about him that way and I just told myself that its done, that I was done torturing myself.

 

We remained good friends, but I decided to detach myself emotionally from her. I eventually had a girlfriend, who in the opinion of a friend, was prettier and better than Jane. For a moment, I agreed. Apart from being gorgeous, she was also easy to talk to, and fun to be with. For a short time, I thought she was the one, and that I was done seeing Jane in that light. Months later, Jane met a new amazing guy, and she was happy as well. We both ended up happy with someone else.

 

Months into the relationship, my new girlfriend began showing signs of unplaced jealousy towards any female friend, and she became very clingy. I overlooked all this because regardless, she was still a very sweet, caring, thoughtful person. She made me closer to God. Jane never left, and was always there for me when we would have problems. Eventually, it didn't work out with her and her new man.

 

There was a time that I brought my girlfriend along with our college buddies (including Jane) to a party and my gf was becoming a prima donna. Eventually, we had a fight and I was in such a bad mood that I decided to leave early. Later that night, I got a text from Jane asking if was okay, because she just wanted to make sure that I was okay.

 

Eventually and unfortunately, sigh, I found myself thinking about Jane again. I started imagining her as my bride whenever I would attend weddings, and whenever my girlfriend would act like a brat, I would tell myself, if it was Jane, it would be different. A lot of nights, before I sleep, I would find myself thinking about her. Sometimes, we still hang out just the two of us, talk about life. And you know, its just torture all over again. I'm 25 now, and its been 7 years since I met her, and I am crazy about her. I don't know if I just romanticized it in my head, or something, but I don't know why I can't stop thinking about her.

 

I tried putting things in perspective, telling myself that if Jane became my girlfriend, that she probably wouldn't be as perfect as I had imagined. I should just be happy and content with my girlfriend. Everytime I find myself daydreaming about her, I try and try to shrug it off. But it just never goes away.

 

Questions:

 

-Has this happened to any of you? and if it did, what did you do? Could it be that Jane is just an obstacle to real happiness with my girlfriend?

 

-Is it real? Could there really be something here? Does it seem mutual? Is it possible that she is thinking about it as much? PLEASE don't judge me. Please. I'm just really confused and lost.

 

Any input, or shared wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this crazy post.

Edited April 26, 2012 by Only Human

[oldshirt]

I am closer to 50 than I am to 40 and as I have looked back on my youth and have reconnected with people from my youth I have come to the firm conclusion that if I could step into the Wayback Machine and go back in time and change things about myself it would be that I would do what I wanted to do and what I thought was best for me without worrying about what other people thought or worry about feeling awkward or feeling about what the neighbors think.

 

I would take a lot more risks. I would risk feeling awkward. I would risk rejection. I would risk people rolling their eyes and tongue-clicking.

 

As long as you are a fundamentally good person who is not a sociopath or intentionally out to hurt people and you are not flagrantly reckless without any concern for other people's feelings at all, you have the fundamental right to pursue your own interests and do what you believe in your heart is best for you, even if other people don't agree with it.

 

When you are middle aged you will look back and regret very little of what you DID and will instead regret the things that you let slip through your fingers from sitting on your hands worrying about what other people think. You will not regret the actions that you took but will forever regret the opportunities that you let slip away due to inaction on your part.

 

Other people have their own lives to live and really don't give a rat's @$$ about your life anywhere near as much as you think they do.

 

You will never regret taking a shot and missing but you will always regret not taking the shot in the first place because you were a pussy. Don't be a pussy.

 

Right now you are betraying your own feelings and your own wants and neglecting yourself what you believe is best for you because you are being a pussy and worrying about awkwardness and worrying about what other people think. (OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO VESTED INTEREST AND WHO HAVE NO STAKE IN THIS!!!!!!!!)

 

Yes your buddy may have a few awkward feelings for a couple minutes. He is an adult and that is his cross to bare but he is an adult and he has had and will have many more awkward and uncomfortable moments in his life as well and he will have to learn to live with them as well as everyone else in the world. If he has a shread of intelligence, character and pride he will understand that people date and break up and that girls he dated in the past will move on with their lives. If you are all that close and know each other that well, he will realize that you two are a compatable and legitimate couple even if it bruises his ego for a couple minutes. If he can't deal with it, he is a bigger pussy than you so fuc( him and move on.

 

Be a man and take charge of what is best for your life and quit being a pussy and worrying about stupid stuff.

Edited April 26, 2012 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

 

 

-Has this happened to any of you? and if it did, what did you do? Could it be that Jane is just an obstacle to real happiness with my girlfriend?

 

 

Yes, this has happened to me MANY times over the course of my 48 years. I did what you are doing and I was a pussy sitting on my hands worrying what other people (who had no vested interest in the matter) thought and I worried that someone may have some awkward feelings and I was worried that if I layed it on the line that I would be rejected.

 

I now realize that I let perfect opportunities pass do to FEAR. If I could go back in time I would make decisions based on what my heart and soul were telling me loud and clear what was in my best interests and I wouldn't make decisions based on FEAR.

 

It's OK to be afraid as long as you don't make decisions based on it.

 

Now as far as Jane being an obsticle to happiness with your girlfriend, that is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. She's the person that brings you happiness dumb@$$ not the one that is an obsticle to it!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Just break up with your girlfriend and date "Jane," see how it goes. Sheesh.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

Now as far as Jane being an obsticle to happiness with your girlfriend, that is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. She's the person that brings you happiness dumb@$$ not the one that is an obsticle to it!

 

(please understand I am not trying to be mean or insulting. that comment was meant to be a friendly thump upside the head to knock some sense into you like a wise, old loving uncle would do if he thought you were making a big ol' brain-fart.

[Only Human]

Hey, no offense taken. Maybe that is what I need.

 

Anyway, I wish it was that easy. I think I have more balls now that I ever did before I met my girlfriend. Thing is, my girlfriend, I'm all she has. She's an only child and her parents were never really there to provide moral and emotional support. I tried breaking up with her before and she had a nervous break down. I have feelings for her and it kills me to have to hurt her.

[oldshirt]

Hey, no offense taken. Maybe that is what I need.

 

Anyway, I wish it was that easy. I think I have more balls now that I ever did before I met my girlfriend. Thing is, my girlfriend, I'm all she has. She's an only child and her parents were never really there to provide moral and emotional support. I tried breaking up with her before and she had a nervous break down. I have feelings for her and it kills me to have to hurt her.

 

That's called manipulation and the people that are manipulated into doing things that aren't in their best interests are called pussys.

 

That's what I've been talking about in my posts. You can be manipulated into doing what other people want you to do or you can live your own life and pursue your own best interests even though you may have a few minutes of feeling awkward from time to time.

 

The reason this gal doesn't have a lot of people in her life is because she is a weak, manipulative skemer and she pisses people off. A man that is manipulated by skemers is one of the most unattractive men out there.

 

I never said that being a man and doing what is right is "easy". I've said that what you will live to regret is being weak and not taking the right course of action because it would have caused some awkwardness and other people raising their eyebrows.

 

Yes, she will cry. Yes she will pour on the guilt. Yes she will appeal to your desire to be a knight in shining armor and yes she may even talk trash about you to what few people will listen. The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be an adult man and take charge of your own life or do you want to be a pussy-boy and let other people manipulate you and live your life in fear of unpleasant feelings?

[oldshirt]

And here's another little tidbit of wisdom that I have learned over the years. Awkward feelings and other people's displeasure over you not doing what they want you to do are very very temporary. Once someone figures out that you won't be manipulated they get over their bent feelings very quickly and deep down they will respect you for standing up for yourself and doing what is right.

 

If you allow yourself to be manipulated and if you choose to live your life according to other people's whims, they will pull your puppet strings forever.

 

You won't be the first person that has made her cry, nor will you be the last. Everyone is the dumper at some point in their lives and everyone is the dumpee at some point. We all survive both.

[Only Human]

Hey man. I just wanna let you know, thank you for taking the time to impart such wisdom on me. I never thought reading an internet reply could have this much effect on me.

 

Just today, Jane visited me on a new business venture that I had been working on. She just rode with another of our friends so she had to leave right away and was like 'I wish we had more than 30 minutes. Maybe I can come visit again next weekend?' Since she has work on weekdays.

 

I also forgot to add, that she constantly tells me how much she misses me and that it feels like forever since we've seen each other, even though its really only been 2 weeks.

 

She makes my heart skip a beat. I get tongue tied when I see her. Didn't know that this could happen to me at 25.

 

I'm seriously considering breaking up with the girlfriend, although its just sad because we just celebrated our first anniversary recently. Wish I had more balls when we were both single, and no one would've had to get hurt.

 

Still pondering really, but its seems I have more balls now that I have had in a long time to do it, thanks to you oldshirt.

Edited April 28, 2012 by Only Human