Question for the MM's

[spice4life]

We've read over and over again that OW's, who would normally not get involved with a MM, say, "I was vulnerable at the time." I know I've said it. We've also read that MM's target vulnerable women for an affair. My question is, what traits do MM's look for that signal a woman is vulnerable? And is it a conscious effort your part to target them because your chances for an affair are higher? Do you lay out a plan to reel them in and keep them snowed during the affair?

 

Just curious.

[UpwardForward]

Not a MM, so you can discount my opinion if you wish.

 

I'm going to say that even in the situation of a predator, the MM may only be looking for a woman he is attracted to or have communication with (if internet). It could happen for him w the first woman, or take several.

 

The beginnings of other A's could just be chance encounters.

 

It is up to the OW if she allows the relationship to go beyond friendship.

 

A pre-OW may not have been searching, or even vulnerable at the time of the encounter, but have only formed an attraction through the original communication(s). And then - the mind wanders.

 

It may be the A itself that makes the OW feel she was vulnerable, as the addiction to the MM makes her feel more needy - than beforehand.

[LoveTKO]

I'm not a MM, but I think that it's highly unlikely that there's an element of predation involved in all affairs because you have to be attracted to someone before you decide to take the plunge. Once mutual attraction has been established, some MM might resort to manipulative tactics, or exploit a weakness, in order to make the affair a protracted scenario without the commitments or expectations that one would expect to see in a normal relationship. It all begins to unravel once your realize that you have to develop an action plan that will allow the affair to linger on....as long as you can.

[MissBee]

I'm not a MM but I think that only certain kinds of MM are actually consciously plotting in this way.

 

I think we all gravitate towards people based on the energy they give off and even if it is the case that you gravitate towards a vulnerable person or abusive people etc....it's often not something you thought about but the situation and the chemistry clicked and you went along with it because it "felt right"...funnily, the "stars align" in dysfunctional relationships probably even more strongly than in healthy ones, hence so many people feel MM are their soulmates or they can't leave their narcissistic or otherwise abusive partners because that pull is so strong. In hindsight or even during the relationship is when you may realize how you subconsciously picked up on certain things and how that played into you liking that person and choosing them, but I think it is less common that it's an actual conscious plot.

 

But would love to hear from MM on this.

[jphcbpa]

unhealthy opposites attract

 

you could line up 10 women and I would pick the sickest one

[UpwardForward]

unhealthy opposites attract

 

you could line up 10 women and I would pick the sickest one

 

I'm not buyin it

[beenburned]

I'm not a MM, but I can clearly see that my H picked young single women.

 

They were at least 5 years younger than him (or more), and totally trusting and naive. They fell for his good looks, charm, and flirty ways. He probably made them think they were real special in order for it to progress.

[bentnotbroken]

Where the hell are the married men?

[spice4life]

unhealthy opposites attract

 

you could line up 10 women and I would pick the sickest one

 

Hahaha! Do you "consciously" pick that one or is it a subconscious thing?

 

LoveTKO, thanks for your perspective, I see what you're saying. In my situation, I was definitely vulnerable because I was simply clueless about men and was unaware of the "signals" that I was giving off to clue them in. I'm curious about those "signals" and how the MM spots them. Do they identify them as anything?

 

I've also read that the MM cast a wide net in the hopes of catching their prey. I realize that it may be as simple as they focus on the one person who responds, but what are thinking from there. Is it a conscious plan of bait, hook and string along? I ask because I've also seen MM's say they hate the thought of grooming another OW because it's daunting. Meaning, they have to put up with a lot of emotonal highs and lows from the OW before she finally accepts that it's just an affair and consciously stuffs/controls her feelings.

[spice4life]

Where the hell are the married men?

 

Hahaha!!! Good one bent! Yeah, where are they? Are they afraid to break a "secret" guy code? Just kidding!

[UpwardForward]

Where the hell are the married men?

 

How many MM pursuers (active or inactive) post their conquests on internet sites?

[spice4life]

I would love to hear from some reformed MM who cheated more than once. I'm curious about what they learned about their actions.

[Radagast]

We've read over and over again that OW's, who would normally not get involved with a MM, say, "I was vulnerable at the time." I know I've said it. We've also read that MM's target vulnerable women for an affair. My question is, what traits do MM's look for that signal a woman is vulnerable? And is it a conscious effort your part to target them because your chances for an affair are higher? Do you lay out a plan to reel them in and keep them snowed during the affair?

 

Just curious.

 

I was not looking for an affair nor would I have believed I was vulnerable to approach at the time. But after several drinks and a great connection and a starlit walk back to our hotel I happily accepted when she invited me in. Her independence, vivacity, obvious intellect and social ease attracted me strongly and I certainly did not consider her to be vulnerable!

[LoveTKO]

Hahaha! Do you "consciously" pick that one or is it a subconscious thing?

 

LoveTKO, thanks for your perspective, I see what you're saying. In my situation, I was definitely vulnerable because I was simply clueless about men and was unaware of the "signals" that I was giving off to clue them in. I'm curious about those "signals" and how the MM spots them. Do they identify them as anything?

 

I've also read that the MM cast a wide net in the hopes of catching their prey. I realize that it may be as simple as they focus on the one person who responds, but what are thinking from there. Is it a conscious plan of bait, hook and string along? I ask because I've also seen MM's say they hate the thought of grooming another OW because it's daunting. Meaning, they have to put up with a lot of emotonal highs and lows from the OW before she finally accepts that it's just an affair and consciously stuffs/controls her feelings.

 

 

1) What do you mean with being clueless about men? Are you intimating that you were a helpless damsel in distress, and predatory MM were honing in on your pheromones? Here is the rule: if you don't want to get involved with a married partner, cease and desist all forms of communication from the get go. My situation started with lunch and spiraled out of control with me providing stud services (don't what else to call it because it's not an "affair")

 

2) Any man who hones in on "signals" in lieu of genuine attraction as a means of procuring sex is an evil individual in my book. I don't understand why some people feel the need to manipulate, exploit, pressure, or flim-flam someone into getting what you want. I don't get that.

 

3) Catching a wide net to catch potential prospects is another sign of desperation.....I'm pretty selective. You have to have an affable and genuine disposition...oh, and nice feet.

 

4) Grooming, training, conditioning.....wtf? Those type of men should consider having an affair with a Golden Retriever instead of a woman.....

[spice4life]

1) What do you mean with being clueless about men? Are you intimating that you were a helpless damsel in distress, and predatory MM were honing in on your pheromones? Here is the rule: if you don't want to get involved with a married partner, cease and desist all forms of communication from the get go. My situation started with lunch and spiraled out of control with me providing stud services (don't what else to call it because it's not an "affair")

 

2) Any man who hones in on "signals" in lieu of genuine attraction as a means of procuring sex is an evil individual in my book. I don't understand why some people feel the need to manipulate, exploit, pressure, or flim-flam someone into getting what you want. I don't get that.

 

3) Catching a wide net to catch potential prospects is another sign of desperation.....I'm pretty selective. You have to have an affable and genuine disposition...oh, and nice feet.

 

4) Grooming, training, conditioning.....wtf? Those type of men should consider having an affair with a Golden Retriever instead of a woman.....

 

At the time I was not just clueless about signals, I was also letting my "ego" control my thinking. What I mean by clueless in my case, is that I didn't realize that merely being a nice and friendly person by nature, was misconstrued as flirting. I was the same with men and women, but didn't realize that being friendly could be mistaken as an atraction toward anyone.

 

However, after many years of therapy I might add, I am no longer clueless...thank goodness. I figured out where I went wrong and was just wondering there is an element of conscious efforts or are they nothing more than subconscious dysfunction.

Edited April 26, 2012 by spice4life

[jphcbpa]

Hahaha! Do you "consciously" pick that one or is it a subconscious thing?

 

it is all in her eyes. that lingering stare filled with intrigue. you just know.

[jphcbpa]

I would love to hear from some reformed MM who cheated more than once. I'm curious about what they learned about their actions.

 

what did you have in mind?

[beenburned]

LoveTKO,

 

OMG, I'm still dying over the stud service!

[spice4life]

I'm amused at the assumption in this thread that it's always the Mm who is te predator. The description above fits the married xOW to a tee. Mutual attraction was established by her being vainly certain of it and telling him she was certain of it until she go him to the point he wouldn't deny it. From then on she manipulated. In all the emails, chats and texts he reads like a sap led by the nose and she reads like a dog trainer. Yes his weakness was pathetic but it's no excuse and of course as an adult he's responsible for beig that way and making choices that way.

 

But the model of predator man and victim woman just doesn't fit our situation.

 

I understand (and I'm sure many others here do as well) that your situation is different than most of the OW's posting here. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of single OW's who post here and that in itself is a whole different ball of wax all together. There are no assumptions being made in regard to all MM's, I'm merely asking about the ones who do the pursuing. I know your situation is still pretty raw, so I can see where you might get defensive, but this thread is not about your type of situation. Whether you want to believe it or not, there are a lot of MM's out there who do the pursuing and that is what this thread is about. It's not about debates, it's about what the mind set is of the MM's who do pursue, not men like your husband, so no need to project that into this thread.

 

It's nothing more than an honest question that is not designed to attack or insult anyone.

Edited April 27, 2012 by spice4life

[dreamingoftigers]

Where the hell are the married men?

 

Busy trying to keep two or more women herded into the separate parts of their divided lives!

[spice4life]

I understand (and I'm sure many others here do as well) that your situation is different than most of the OW's posting here. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of single OW's who post here and that in itself is a whole different ball of wax all together. There are no assumptions being made in regard to all MM's, I'm merely asking about the ones who do the pursuing. I know your situation is still pretty raw, so I can see where you might get defensive, but this thread is not about your type of situation. Whether you want to believe it or not, there are a lot of MM's out there who do the pursuing and that is what this thread is about. It's not about debates, it's about what the mind set is of the MM's who do pursue, not men like your husband, so no need to project that into this thread.

 

It's nothing more than an honest question that is not designed to attack or insult anyone.

 

I would like to add that I don't want this thread to spiral into a comparison between OW's/MW vs MM's. Men think differently than women and I'm curious about what their thoughts were leading into the affair.

[UpwardForward]

Busy trying to keep two or more women herded into the separate parts of their divided lives!

 

Yep. I do think women narrate and analyze life more than men do.

[jphcbpa]

Yep. I do think women narrate and analyze life more than men do.

 

you would be surprised

[DBMS]

I have been on here reading, but never posting.

 

I am a MM who had a long A with a woman I deeply loved. In every way she was who I was meant to be with. I tried to find it in me to leave. I have multiple children and the make up of my life is impossible. God knows I wanted to. I love my wife as the mother of my children, but am not in love with her. She will never be able to be in love with me due to the countless ddays we have encountered. I have never been able to let this woman go. I try. I miss her and reach out to her. I cut it off. Didn't say a word to her. I hate that I had to. But if I did it any other way I melt like butter and it would not end. Not that she would try to talk me out of it. Just that I love her so deeply when I see her I want it to work.

 

I did not seek her out. Nor did she with me. It really was just two people who fell in love. I think of her every day. I miss her everyday. I will love her until the day I die. I just can't do it.

[Got it]

Thank you DBMS, that is very similar to how dMM and I started. Nothing predator like about it.

 

That is how I felt about my ex as well, I loved him as someone that had been in my life for a long time but I was no longer in love with him and hadn't been for awhile.