Question for the MM's

[spice4life]

you would be surprised

 

Jphcbpa, thanks for your input, but it appears you feel these questions are not important? That's fine. You're entitled to your opinion. Imagine if your daughter (if you have one), sister or mother was in this type of situation. As a man, wouldn't you want to educate them on what to look out for and how to protect themselves? Just curious.

 

So if a woman is lead into a relatonship under false pretenses, was lied to or the MM simply chose to omit important information, she is over analyzing if she seeks answers? So she knows how to avoid it in the future? I'm asking these questions in general here because this seems to happen a lot. It may help some women recognize, within themselves, the signals or behaviors that make them vulnerable to affairs. What's wrong with that? Just read through the hundreds of pages here; affairs are a very painful experience, not to mention they can blow a person's whole world apart. If a person has been vulnerable in the past and hasn't quite figured out how tey ended up in an affair, the answers to these questions might help them. They can then look at themselves and figure out behaviors that make them appear vulnerable in the first place.

Edited April 27, 2012 by spice4life

[spice4life]

I have been on here reading, but never posting.

 

I am a MM who had a long A with a woman I deeply loved. In every way she was who I was meant to be with. I tried to find it in me to leave. I have multiple children and the make up of my life is impossible. God knows I wanted to. I love my wife as the mother of my children, but am not in love with her. She will never be able to be in love with me due to the countless ddays we have encountered. I have never been able to let this woman go. I try. I miss her and reach out to her. I cut it off. Didn't say a word to her. I hate that I had to. But if I did it any other way I melt like butter and it would not end. Not that she would try to talk me out of it. Just that I love her so deeply when I see her I want it to work.

 

I did not seek her out. Nor did she with me. It really was just two people who fell in love. I think of her every day. I miss her everyday. I will love her until the day I die. I just can't do it.

 

Thanks for sharing, your insight really helps. It's good to know that you weren't merely stringing her along so you can eat cake. Did you keep yourself closed off to her emotionally? Because your life is complicated I mean. Is your marriage that damaged it's beyond repair? You would be surprised what some soul searching and counseling can do. It might help you fix things.

Edited April 27, 2012 by spice4life

[wannabdone]

Your post made me sad. I hear your pain in it. This is how I have felt for my xMM. Not sure if that is how he feels about me.

 

I'm sorry you feel you are stuck in a no win situation. I pray for you to have peace. I am sure it was hard to make the decision to stay for your children. Good luck to you.

[woinlove]

I have been on here reading, but never posting.

 

I am a MM who had a long A with a woman I deeply loved. In every way she was who I was meant to be with. I tried to find it in me to leave. I have multiple children and the make up of my life is impossible. God knows I wanted to. I love my wife as the mother of my children, but am not in love with her. She will never be able to be in love with me due to the countless ddays we have encountered. I have never been able to let this woman go. I try. I miss her and reach out to her. I cut it off. Didn't say a word to her. I hate that I had to. But if I did it any other way I melt like butter and it would not end. Not that she would try to talk me out of it. Just that I love her so deeply when I see her I want it to work.

 

I did not seek her out. Nor did she with me. It really was just two people who fell in love. I think of her every day. I miss her everyday. I will love her until the day I die. I just can't do it.

 

Thanks for posting. Re the bolded, people are capable of incredible and amazing things. It takes determination, awareness and desire. It is never too late to start living the life you want. If you really feel helpless, like you just can't do it, professional counselling might help you see that it is only you holding yourself back from being who you want to be and living the life you want to live. People can overcome incredible barriers and challenges when they decide that is what they really want to do.

[spice4life]

I have been on here reading, but never posting.

 

I am a MM who had a long A with a woman I deeply loved. In every way she was who I was meant to be with. I tried to find it in me to leave. I have multiple children and the make up of my life is impossible. God knows I wanted to. I love my wife as the mother of my children, but am not in love with her. She will never be able to be in love with me due to the countless ddays we have encountered. I have never been able to let this woman go. I try. I miss her and reach out to her. I cut it off. Didn't say a word to her. I hate that I had to. But if I did it any other way I melt like butter and it would not end. Not that she would try to talk me out of it. Just that I love her so deeply when I see her I want it to work.

 

I did not seek her out. Nor did she with me. It really was just two people who fell in love. I think of her every day. I miss her everyday. I will love her until the day I die. I just can't do it.

 

I meant to add DBMS, and no offense intended, that the behaviors you describe are the ones that leave so many OW's confused and befuddled. Why not just be honest with her abut your life and where she stands, so she can choose for herself? If you're having a hard time letting go, but want to, being honest with her will help her to let you go. If she loves you, she would not want you to suffer. And the same goes for you, treating her in the way that you are is probably makin her hold on because she doesn't have the answers she needs to make an informed choice. Is that the way you want it?

[DBMS]

I meant to add DBMS, and no offense intended, that the behaviors you describe are the ones that leave so many OW's confused and befuddled. Why not just be honest with her abut your life and where she stands, so she can choose for herself? If you're having a hard time letting go, but want to, being honest with her will help her to let you go. If she loves you, she would not want you to suffer. And the same goes for you, treating her in the way that you are is probably makin her hold on because she doesn't have the answers she needs to make an informed choice. Is that the way you want it?

 

to your first question. I don't know. How likely do you think we can fully move forward if you knew your H had an A with a woman for 8 years? No matter how much she tries to delude herself into thinking it was nothing. It was 8 years long. With multiple ddays.

 

I know what you are saying. And when I have told her I just can't do it. I just can't hurt my kids. And literally with the amount of kids I have its impossible. She understands and always says she wants me to be happy. But then like I said I miss her and ache for her. Selfish. But I really feel when I am missing her that I can't live like this. I can do this and we can be together. And same goes when I'm seeing her. But literally when I get hit with reality by my wife. Its impossible. Too many children. Too many people will be hurt. My heart will love this woman forever. She is whom I was meant to love. But I have too much responsblities else where for that to happen. I made my bed. I must lay here.

[DBMS]

Thanks for posting. Re the bolded, people are capable of incredible and amazing things. It takes determination, awareness and desire. It is never too late to start living the life you want. If you really feel helpless, like you just can't do it, professional counselling might help you see that it is only you holding yourself back from being who you want to be and living the life you want to live. People can overcome incredible barriers and challenges when they decide that is what they really want to do.

 

I am only allowed to see christian counselors. And the point of leaving is never up for discussion. I am in counseling now. To learn how to be happy where I am. As that is where God wants me.

 

I am closing off my posting. I don't want to dive to much into it. I just know there are some people who loved the person deeply.

[woinlove]

I am only allowed to see christian counselors. And the point of leaving is never up for discussion. I am in counseling now. To learn how to be happy where I am. As that is where God wants me.

 

I am closing off my posting. I don't want to dive to much into it. I just know there are some people who loved the person deeply.

 

Okay, best of luck with your counselling and journey. I have been married to the love of my life for 25 years and, while part of me feels he was "the one", the other part of me feels so fortunate that we both know and understand to love the one you are with. I strongly believe the luckiest people really love and want who/what they have and it is very difficult to determine how much of that depends on what (or who) you have. When I was young, I was very much in the mode of wanting what I didn't have and that seems to be typical of many. I finally learned the joy of really diving in with gusto with what I have and with who I have beside me. I hope you get there because it is well worth it.

[wannabdone]

Okay, best of luck with your counselling and journey. I have been married to the love of my life for 25 years and, while part of me feels he was "the one", the other part of me feels so fortunate that we both know and understand to love the one you are with. I strongly believe the luckiest people really love and want who/what they have and it is very difficult to determine how much of that depends on what (or who) you have. When I was young, I was very much in the mode of wanting what I didn't have and that seems to be typical of many. I finally learned the joy of really diving in with gusto with what I have and with who I have beside me. I hope you get there because it is well worth it.

 

Wasn't there a song like that??? If you can't be with the one you love honey, love the one your with.....

[spice4life]

I am only allowed to see christian counselors. And the point of leaving is never up for discussion. I am in counseling now. To learn how to be happy where I am. As that is where God wants me.

 

I am closing off my posting. I don't want to dive to much into it. I just know there are some people who loved the person deeply.

 

Thank you for sharing DB. You're insight is greatly appreciated.

 

Best wishes on your journey. I hope you find the peace you are looking for and remember that it comes from within.

[woinlove]

Wasn't there a song like that??? If you can't be with the one you love honey, love the one your with.....

 

:laugh: Yeah, a lot of wisdom in songs, you know.... Works even when you are with the one you love. In long M, one is bound to encounter stresses and challenges, and the combination of being with the one you love and loving the one you are with, carries one through.

Edited April 27, 2012 by woinlove

[jwi71]

I am only allowed to see christian counselors. And the point of leaving is never up for discussion. I am in counseling now. To learn how to be happy where I am. As that is where God wants me.

 

I am closing off my posting. I don't want to dive to much into it. I just know there are some people who loved the person deeply.

 

Speaking from an academic sense, I have a question.

 

Please do NOT interpret it as an attack on you or your faith...and I have debated asking internally for a bit. Clearly I made my choice.

 

1) Does your religion allow for infidelity?

2) If not, how do you reconcile your actions with your faith. They seem inconsistent.

 

And here's the applicability to OW/OM - just a bit of CYA.

There are many as DBMS, whose faith allows cheating but not D. At least that's how its presented in their ACTIONS - ie they cheat but can't D. I have often puzzled this. OW here on this very site have puzzled this.

 

Perhaps DBMS can help shed some light on that so I can help others in future similar situations. And my own personal knowledge (growth).

[jphcbpa]

Jphcbpa, thanks for your input, but it appears you feel these questions are not important? That's fine. You're entitled to your opinion. .

 

oh I do think they are important. i was just making the comment that men over analyze and obsess (at least this man does) and to not be surprised to know that men hurt just as much as the women. See the post by DBMS. I relate exactly to his story and I miss my xAP deeply, it is a longing and void I have never felt before.

[jphcbpa]

love my wife as the mother of my children, but am not in love with her. . It really was just two people who fell in love. I think of her every day. I miss her everyday. I will love her until the day I die. I just can't do it.

 

thank you for telling my story.

[spice4life]

oh I do think they are important. i was just making the comment that men over analyze and obsess (at least this man does) and to not be surprised to know that men hurt just as much as the women. See the post by DBMS. I relate exactly to his story and I miss my xAP deeply, it is a longing and void I have never felt before.

 

I apologize, I misunderstood. I thought you were referring to women. Thanks clarifying.

 

Sorry to hear that you are hurting too. It's not easy to love someone you can't be with. One of the most painful things in the world. I hope you find peace.

[wannabdone]

thank you for telling my story.

 

 

Thank you for sharing jphcbpa. (don't know how to abbreviate your name)

[Gentlegirl2]

DBMS,

 

It is unusual to have a MM actually post here .

 

My sympathy to you for the dilemma you have been in for 8 years.

 

 

GG

[jphcbpa]

I apologize, I misunderstood. I thought you were referring to women. Thanks clarifying.

 

Sorry to hear that you are hurting too. It's not easy to love someone you can't be with. One of the most painful things in the world. I hope you find peace.

 

Thank you for the well wishes. It hurts, I miss her, I miss us. Maybe in another life perhaps. Never thought something so short (our time together) could have made such an impact so deep within my core.

[wannabdone]

Thank you for the well wishes. It hurts, I miss her, I miss us. Maybe in another life perhaps. Never thought something so short (our time together) could have made such an impact so deep within my core.

 

 

I'm sorry if I don't remember your story. How long were you together? How long have you been nc? Why do you feel like you can't leave?

[jphcbpa]

I'm sorry if I don't remember your story. How long were you together? How long have you been nc? Why do you feel like you can't leave?

 

Together 4 months, NC 4 weeks. I feel I can't let go because we were just getting started and I saw what could be. She still has and will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for asking.

[spice4life]

Together 4 months, NC 4 weeks. I feel I can't let go because we were just getting started and I saw what could be. She still has and will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for asking.

 

You are very welcome. I completely understand where you are coming from. The only "real time" we had together was about four months and the rest was affair. I always think about how I was pleasantly surprised by something new during those first four months and then it changed. It definitely had an impact. But, that's life and it goes on right?

[jphcbpa]

You are very welcome. I completely understand where you are coming from. The only "real time" we had together was about four months and the rest was affair. I always think about how I was pleasantly surprised by something new during those first four months and then it changed. It definitely had an impact. But, that's life and it goes on right?

 

I went back and read this post of yours. Gives me hope. Thanks!

 

"I'm finally there...finally ready to let go of all this affair stuff. Can you believe it? I'm mean really....somebody pinch me quick because I can't believe it just happened! I am cutting the cord, finally letting it all go and I'm happy!

 

And you know what ladies and gents? This is what I have learned. When you are ready, you will realize that if someone loves you and they really want to be with you, THEY will make it happen. So, it's OKAY to cut the cord that keeps you bound to the affair and LET IT GO. If they love you, they will free themselves and come find you and ask you out on a proper date. If they don't, no worries because you have your life back.

 

When people say you will know when you are ready, they are sooo right. It will hit you out of nowhere and you will find yourself saying, "I deserve better than this" and you will be able to walk away knowing that if your MM/MW really wants to be with you, then it will happen. If you are not at that point yet that is OKAY. Don't beat yourself up about it (hard I know), just let yourself cry, get angry, VENT, feel sad until you get it all out of your system. And when it's time, you WILL know it and will find the courage to finally walk away with the knowledge that if it is meant to be... it will be. I promise. And then get out there and start LIVING your life because you are worth it!

 

That is what I am going to do...right now! I will check in every now and then to offer insights and support where I can and hopefully one day I will have a HAPPY story to tell. Stay strong and take care of YOU!"

[twinsmom]

That was a great post. I hesitate to tell current OW/OM that it took me a full 4 years to get over my MM, because I feel it will be discouraging to them. But it's the truth. I continue to read here because it reinforces my knowledge that getting over him was the only way I could move on, and that it was the best thing anyway. I feel I dodged a bullet, as my ex-MM exhibited almost every sign of a passive-aggressive individual. But it sure was hard for a long time. I wish I could take every OW/OM under my wing and tell them that it's not worth it, but I know that they each have to come to that realization on their own. I thought that this guy was my "soulmate", as so many others often say. He wasn't. He was dissatisfied with the sexual aspect of his marriage, and chose to satisfy his missing sexual life with me. Plain and simple.

[whichwayisup]

Not a MM, but I don't believe there's a whole lot of thought that goes into it. He meets a woman and connects on a certain level, one that he feel he benefits from. Whether it be his ego, his penis or both.

 

I'm sure there are some MM who are able to zone in on a womans vunerability, but I don't think that has anything to do with being married, many men are able to find women who have certain qualities that show they are vunerable and maybe at their lowest.

[whichwayisup]

Together 4 months, NC 4 weeks. I feel I can't let go because we were just getting started and I saw what could be. She still has and will always have a piece of my heart. Thank you for asking.

 

Be glad you got out now. Imagine much harder it would be to get through this if the A had gone forward and you had 2 years or more in the A.

 

You are fighting the fantasy of what it could have been. You never really experienced that rollercoaster and that pain, the addictiveness and neediness that an A brings out.