Author spice4life Posted April 28, 2012 Author Share Posted April 28, 2012 The only thing I can really stress is, if you really want out, stick to NC. If you keep breaking it (believe me, I've BTDT), the cycle will go on for years. Use the time to really think about what YOU want and think is important and focus on that. Thanks for taking me on trip down memory lane. lol. There was a lot of self talking going on in those posts. Getting out once you're in deep isn't easy; you go through many stages before you are done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 I have been on here reading, but never posting. I am a MM who had a long A with a woman I deeply loved. In every way she was who I was meant to be with. I tried to find it in me to leave. I have multiple children and the make up of my life is impossible. God knows I wanted to. I love my wife as the mother of my children, but am not in love with her. She will never be able to be in love with me due to the countless ddays we have encountered. I have never been able to let this woman go. I try. I miss her and reach out to her. I cut it off. Didn't say a word to her. I hate that I had to. But if I did it any other way I melt like butter and it would not end. Not that she would try to talk me out of it. Just that I love her so deeply when I see her I want it to work. I did not seek her out. Nor did she with me. It really was just two people who fell in love. I think of her every day. I miss her everyday. I will love her until the day I die. I just can't do it. I am so glad you posted. I don't think I've seen a post like this one before. Many times people will make a choice and it's not about choosing between good and evil. It's not about just one person's happiness. It is about the family. Sometimes the right thing to do can be the hardest thing. Thank you for posting... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl2 Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 That was a great post. I hesitate to tell current OW/OM that it took me a full 4 years to get over my MM, because I feel it will be discouraging to them. But it's the truth. I continue to read here because it reinforces my knowledge that getting over him was the only way I could move on, and that it was the best thing anyway. I feel I dodged a bullet, as my ex-MM exhibited almost every sign of a passive-aggressive individual. But it sure was hard for a long time. I wish I could take every OW/OM under my wing and tell them that it's not worth it, but I know that they each have to come to that realization on their own. I thought that this guy was my "soulmate", as so many others often say. He wasn't. He was dissatisfied with the sexual aspect of his marriage, and chose to satisfy his missing sexual life with me. Plain and simple. Great Post... Not a great feeling when you realise you are just filling in that bit of his life is it??? Been there too. GG Link to post Share on other sites
Damia Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 I didn't think married men that have affairs actually thought about anything but themselves? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Circular Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 Very similar to DBMS I fell in love with xMW, we had been friends for a few years. There was no predatory sense about it, we grew closer and closer and there came a point where we crossed the boundaries. In the end I walked away from it, by far one of the hardest things emotionally I've had to do in my life. As someone said earlier, sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing to do. I needed her to let go of me, I needed to let go of her, the internal conflict, the pain, the rollercoaster grieving it all just sucks but I always put my game face on and trudged through it as best as I can. But, even after a few years there's not a day that goes by I don't think about her, not something that doesn't trigger her in my memory, I still talk to her in my head, I miss her as my friend more than anything. There's been some LC, but just very short interactions and I'm sure i come across as a somewhat uncaring, detached ass, but I want her to live her life, be present for her children, be the best at who she is. If it's meant to be then something will happen to make it be. I think what gets lost on this board a lot of times is there is who we really are, what we're really experiencing internally and what we need to project to achieve our goal. As devastated as I have been inside, like a grenade when off, I project outwardly that I'm fine and everything is good. It's the right thing for me to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 28, 2012 Share Posted April 28, 2012 Circular, what you describe makes sense. My xMM feels the same way. We are LC because of some prior and continuing business arrangements. Our feelings are still there but once I made the decision to leave (stop the A), I'm fine in all other areas of my life. He seems to be doing very well. It's just once in a blue moon that he'll tell me what is really going on in his mind. Does that make a difference? Yes, to some extent. I know that the love is real but accept that love isn't enough. I used to think that time would sort things out for us, as did he. But it's beginning to look like this will never happen. I'm happy living my truth and I think he is too for the most part. Loving someone isn't a crime. Cheating and gas lighting should be. Taking an innocent person for ride is simply not acceptable behaviour. His W is the mother of his kids and he loves her very much. If he woke up one day and left even I would begin to question what kind of man he is. Thanks for posting. Most times we don't see WS who aren't the ordinary cake-eaters and who actually chose their families explain that the A wasn't a hunt of some sort. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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