Breakup after 5 years

[DMS]

My Girlfriend of 5 years whom I left my home, job and family to be with in another state, and was saving money for an engagement ring for has left me for someone she met online. When she left she told me she needed time. being as this was my first "real" relationship I know I acted badly as she wanted to continue living together but seeing this other guy. I tried probably too hard to apologize and make amends and realize now I was being too needy and clingy. I asked her to leave the apartment we shared about month ago after she purchased a plane ticket to go see her new BF.

She claimed she was unhappy for up to 2 years and considered me more of a roommate than a boyfriend yet in talking to a mutual friend I was told that all she ever talked about was how much she loved me and was happy to be with me. I tried talking to her but all I got was the silent treatment whenever I brought up how I felt and tried apologizing for and explaining the intent of the reasons she claimed to have left. I still feel that I want to pursue the relationship and would gladly welcome her back should she choose to return. I am just starting the NC phase as I know I need time to clear my head and she is visiting him so I feel contact would be inappropriate. What should I do? I desperately want her back but at the same time want her to be happy whichever path she chooses.

[robkris8079]

forget her, you need to work on. Your paragraph screams, low self esteem, "nice-guy", and losing your identity.

 

You want her back? Work on what I said above and she will be drooling over you. Then again once you fix the above you will not even be wasting your time on someone like her.

[DustySaltus]

She claimed she was unhappy for up to 2 years and considered me more of a roommate than a boyfriend

 

I tried talking to her but all I got was the silent treatment

 

So she waited two years to tell you that she was unhappy? Wouldn't you want someone to tell you that on the first day they felt that way so you could move on with your life? Someone that has RESPECT for you would do that. Sounds like this was a relationship of convenience for her. I wonder, was she paying her share of the rent during this two year period?

 

Read the links in my signature. Stick to NC and begin the healing process for yourself. You deserve better.

[TigerCub]

DMS,

 

I'm sorry that you feel so hurt and lost right now, but trust me - YOU DON'T NEED HER BACK!!

 

She cheated on you and you're letting her walk all over you.

What part of that pain and humiliation do you want back.

 

Also, if she was unhappy, why did she wait 2 years to say it.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone and always wonder if they really are genuine and if they really are as into it as they pretend to be.

 

If you continue to be her doormat, she will NEVER respect you and she will never even entertain the thought of being with you again.

 

I think you need to continue to cut her off, and I hope that you can work on yourself, not to have her chasing after you, but to actually get to a point where you see that you deserve so much more than the way she treated you.

[DMS]

I wonder, was she paying her share of the rent during this two year period?

 

 

Actually when we first got together she was a full time student and then had some medical issues that had her in and out of the hospital but once those cleared up she did get a job and was helping with the bills right up to the point I asked her to leave because every time her text tone would go off I knew it was him and it was eating me up.

 

Thanks for the advice folks, you are right it is hard, especially because I was about 1 paycheck out from having the money saved for an engagement ring. I suppose though it is better that it happened when it did so that I am only looking at a break up and not a divorce.

[g450]

This was your first real relationship and she leaves you for some guy online?

 

Well hate to break it too you but this wasnt a real relationship if that is the case. Sounds more like she just used you.

 

You are way too young to stress over this. Give her what she wants, her freedom. Live your life.

[DMS]

I can't necessarily fault the means as we originally met online as well.

 

I made the mistake of looking at her facebook page only to see pictures of her in his bed and talking about how she had gone up there to make out with him.

 

Found a handy add on for firefox called block site. I listed her facebook page as a blocked site so it will not let me access it. Hopefully this will help with the NC phase.

[Chi townD]

DUDE!!!! She's up there right now?!?!?! If you're not on the lease, get the hell out of there! You were with her for 5 years and this is how she repays you by posting pics of her in some douche rockets bed? Oh yeah, I totally believe they only "made out".....yeah....right. Dude, if your are on the lease, go to the management office and see what you need to do to get OFF the lease. Hell, you got some extra cash! You were gonna buy a ring, so if you have to pay a penalty to get off it. SO BE IT!!!

 

Don't even tell her you're gone. Just go. She broke up with you. So you owe her NOTHING!!!! No explaination. No forwarding address. nothing other than an a big "F*CK YOU!!" on a note pad on the table with the key.

 

Okay, hold off on the f*ck you.....Your thread just got me spun up and pissed off.

[DMS]

DUDE!!!! She's up there right now?!?!?! If you're not on the lease, get the hell out of there! You were with her for 5 years and this is how she repays you by posting pics of her in some douche rockets bed? Oh yeah, I totally believe they only "made out".....yeah....right. Dude, if your are on the lease, go to the management office and see what you need to do to get OFF the lease. Hell, you got some extra cash! You were gonna buy a ring, so if you have to pay a penalty to get off it. SO BE IT!!!

 

Don't even tell her you're gone. Just go. She broke up with you. So you owe her NOTHING!!!! No explaination. No forwarding address. nothing other than an a big "F*CK YOU!!" on a note pad on the table with the key.

 

Okay, hold off on the f*ck you.....Your thread just got me spun up and pissed off.

 

When we moved in we were both on the lease, but I re-upped the lease 2 days before she broke up with me and she had yet to sign it so after a couple weeks of trying to "grin and bear it" so to speak and make amends I finally asked her to move out. She got upset because she didnt want to go back to living with her mom as they don't get along well, but she went. I am also in the process of moving. I came to Texas almost 4 years ago for the sole purpose of being with her, leaving the rest of my family 800 miles away in Florida but am moving back on May 1.

Edited April 27, 2012 by DMS

[Chi townD]

Does the B*tch of the year know your moving?

[DMS]

yeah, she asked me to watch 2 of our 3 cats( She has custody of 2 and I have 1 ) while she went, which I agreed to because I missed them. I told her I could watch them but would have to drop them off with her mom as I would be gone before she got back in town.

[Chi townD]

Yeah dude. Go dark on this chick. I mean it. That was just cruel. WHAT A B*TCH!!! grrr....

 

Complete NC from this point on. She doesn't deserve you. I have a feeling that she WILL try to contact you again and to try and get you in the friend zone. Don't fall for it. She may send you an e-mail apologizing on the way the relationship ended. That wouldn't be for YOUR benefit, it would only be to ease her own guilt( because she probably got herpes.) Sorry, still spun up....

Edited April 27, 2012 by Chi townD

[DMS]

No worries, she already tried the, lets be friends line and I was told during our conversation after I found out about the new boyfriend that she would "give me a second chance if things don't work out." Kind of a kick in the teeth for someone that gave up everything to be with you and was for so long.

 

Funny thing is the whole time we were together I did my best to insure that she never paid for a thing ( meals, dates etc. ) , that's just how I was raised. but she had to buy her ticket to go see this guy under the understanding that he would pay for her to come back..sounds kind of fishy to me.

 

Like I said it hurts because I can't turn off 5 years of feelings on a whim and still worry about her but I do know that NC is the way to go.

Edited April 27, 2012 by DMS

[Chi townD]

Give you a second chance if things don't work out?!?!?!?! WTF!!!!

 

Did you say, "Yeah, sure! I'll just stand here with my thumb in my ass and wait for you."

 

Dude, you deserve sooo much more than this. Yeah, the ONLY way your going to go through this is NC. Your right 5 years is a long time and it's going to SUCK for a little while. But, once she realizes Prince Charming isn't so charming, sh's gonna try to reach out to you. DO NOT FALL FOR IT!!!! Just remind yourself of the picture of her in his bed. THAT'S how much she cared about you. Hopefully, that will help stop you from responding.

[DMS]

Yeah I know that going dark is not a problem as I have already done that, removing all tags, comments and posts I could get my hands on from Facebook and my number will change in a matter of days so that is no issue.

 

You are right though, I know that the hardest part will be if she messages or emails and says she is sorry and wants to work things out but I have told myself that I won't jump at that offer if it is made I'd give it time and see whats what.

[djmm]

Hey guy, i understand that you are having tough times right now. but think about this line, really think about it.

 

"I was told during our conversation after I found out about the new boyfriend that she would "give me a second chance if things don't work out."

 

do you want to be treated like that? Do you want a GF to control you like that?

 

That statement by her shows Pure Immaturity. You can do WAY better than her. I have been tolerant and given girls plenty of chances but I have a boiling point, a point of no return, line in the sand. IF a girl said that to me, that's it, im done.

 

Good luck

 

ps: She will be calling or texting you in the future when it goes awry with this other guy. Either don't respond or be honest and tell her to she's immature.

[immitable]

Time is the answer in your case. Time to heal, get a clear head etc.

 

There was a reason why she left you, she built attraction to someone else.

 

You can't blame her completely, there are always two parties involved in the bu.

 

She either wasn't getting enough attention, the relationship got boring etc there are many reasons....

 

Women are emotional beings and that's why logic doesn't apply to them, the sooner you realise that the better off you'd be. Women can't articulate their emotions most of time either, unfortunatelly.

 

What can you do to get her back (if you want of course if you still care - i guess only time will tell) take time, better yourself, change the patterns you had if you can, be yourself, heal.

[DMS]

There was a reason why she left you, she built attraction to someone else.

 

You can't blame her completely, there are always two parties involved in the bu.

 

She either wasn't getting enough attention, the relationship got boring etc there are many reasons....

 

 

 

As best I can pinpoint it, I think it started to fall apart when I had to take a second job throwing a paper route as my hours were cut at work and I was trying to provide / pay the bills / start saving for a ring, That was about 9 months ago, I knew she didn't want me to take the job as it would cut into our time together. Yet in order to keep a roof over our heads and the water and electric on I took it. I tried to explain this after the break up as I suspected that's why she left but was met with only silence and a distant attitude. I may have been foolish, I know she is a girl that doesn't need a lot money wise and she met this guy playing one of the online games we used to play. I have no doubt that because they played the same hours he was giving attention that I could not due to working.

[Green Light]

This thread makes me so sad. I feel really bad for this guy.

[Green Light]

Time is the answer in your case. Time to heal, get a clear head etc.

 

There was a reason why she left you, she built attraction to someone else.

 

You can't blame her completely, there are always two parties involved in the bu.

 

She either wasn't getting enough attention, the relationship got boring etc there are many reasons....

 

Women are emotional beings and that's why logic doesn't apply to them, the sooner you realise that the better off you'd be. Women can't articulate their emotions most of time either, unfortunatelly.

 

What can you do to get her back (if you want of course if you still care - i guess only time will tell) take time, better yourself, change the patterns you had if you can, be yourself, heal.

 

BS! Just because women are more emotional does NOT give them the right to treat someone like S***! So we should just let women get away with murder because they are more emotional? Give me a break!

[Meg717]

That was about 9 months ago, I knew she didn't want me to take the job as it would cut into our time together.

 

As a lady I just want to comment on this.. I don't think she left bc you weren't giving her enough time. My ex worked a job where he was given a TON of over time. Working overnight, going in early, holidays..whatever they offered, he took. From November until January I hardly ever saw him, also bc his regular shift was 3pm-11pm and mine was 8am-430pm.. I HATED the overtime but he had plenty of money to spend on other things, like going out together or putting towards our credit cards... regardless..

 

HE LEFT ME!! I would have never left him bc he worked too much, maybe if we had kids it would have been different but that wasn't the case. This issue was an in the moment issue and once the reward was seen from all the work he put in, it was worth it.

 

So I don't think you should blame yourself for working too hard. You were doing something to benefit your lives as a couple and she is doing something to benefit herself.

 

I was with him for over 5 years and we were engaged, for me, it was rough at first but I'm doing pretty good! I have my moments, and you'll have your moments but they'll be less and less as you continue to better yourself. You just have to keep looking forward and staying positive!

[immitable]

BS! Just because women are more emotional does NOT give them the right to treat someone like S***! So we should just let women get away with murder because they are more emotional? Give me a break!

 

Unfortunately I don't think it is BS, they are. Our job as men is to be and act like men, not to understand women but to keep integrity and that is all that it boils down to it.

 

 

OP, your gf or ex gf will realise what she had after she gets a clear head, right now she is a mess as well, just decided to pursue what seemed right at the moment and what she got attracted to, it is not your fault. What I meant is to use this time apart to learn about yourself about your wants and ways to be happy in order to make others feel happy around you as well.

[Green Light]

Unfortunately I don't think it is BS, they are. Our job as men is to be and act like men, not to understand women but to keep integrity and that is all that it boils down to it.

 

It is BS because you are implying that since women may be slightly more emotional than men that they should be excused from immoral and even destructive behaviour. Shouldn't EVERYBODY be keeping integrity?

[immitable]

It is BS because you are implying that since women may be slightly more emotional than men that they should be excused from immoral and even destructive behaviour. Shouldn't EVERYBODY be keeping integrity?

 

I see your point here and it is a valid point, but try telling a woman to keep her integrity.

They have been raised like that, historically they never had to 'man' up they never had to go to military or lead wars, they are bad at that, and I am usung this blatant example just to illustrate it.

 

What they can do is detonate the relationship literally when her man is not "listening" and by listening I mean listening to her emotions. It is weird but no man has ever been able to understand women completely and why they do things like that.

[gibson]

The same thing can be said of men if they are not getting their physical needs meet.

 

If you choose not to meet a women's emotional needs, you do so to your own peril.