When exMM/MW minimise what actually happened

[imperfectangel]

Ok so for all the people following my story I am in NC although ex mm seems to be forgetting that.

 

Over the past few days Ive had messages (not replied to!) which seem to be minimising what actually happened I.e saying we were just sex so why am I getting all emotional on him? Or why am I blowing it all out of proportion we agreed it was just fun?

 

Well yes exMM we did agree that but you were also the one that told me you loved ME!

 

Is this normal?! I can understand him minimising us to his bs but why me? I was there myself and know exactly what went on I don't see what he'd get out of this

[TheRightWoman]

I'm dealing with the loss of my MM. Saw an IC the other day and she said the feelings in an affair are not real and are exaggerated by the secrecy, sneaking around, forbidden aspect. Its lust or attraction or sex but not love apparently...

 

still feel i like love my MM but it's not a love based on reality i guess.

[East7]

They (MM/MW) all minimize the A after it ends. It relieves them from the guilt. They'd like to think they have done nothing wrong.

 

It was just sex.

You and I weren't really together anyways.

I never promised you anything.

You and I, it wouldn't have worked anyway.

etc etc..

 

It is in their book.

 

Affairs are emotional frauds, never forget it.

[jwi71]

Ok so for all the people following my story I am in NC although ex mm seems to be forgetting that.

 

Over the past few days Ive had messages (not replied to!) which seem to be minimising what actually happened I.e saying we were just sex so why am I getting all emotional on him? Or why am I blowing it all out of proportion we agreed it was just fun?

 

Well yes exMM we did agree that but you were also the one that told me you loved ME!

 

Is this normal?! I can understand him minimising us to his bs but why me? I was there myself and know exactly what went on I don't see what he'd get out of this

 

Yes it's normal.

 

It could be his W is watching so he's in damage control mode.

It could be he is trying to make you angry and break NC - with the ultimate goal of resuming the A.

It could be he's just a selfish prick and throwing a temper tantrum.

It could be he is minimizing it to minimize his own pain of loss (not OF you but the feeling you give him. And the sex of course).

It could be...who cares? Eff him (uh, not literally ok?)

 

Block him. Every means of contact gets blocked.

Every word you hear, word you read, picture to remind you - sets YOU back.

Don't allow it. Reclaim YOUR life.

 

Block him. Now.

[TigerCub]

Is this normal?! I can understand him minimising us to his bs but why me? I was there myself and know exactly what went on I don't see what he'd get out of this

 

Yeah, I never experienced that. I assumed minimizing was reserved for their BS.

 

I think he's saying these things to get a reaction from you.

 

Don't reply.

Stand your ground.

Move on.

Keep up the awesome work IA!!

 

I'm so proud of you!!

[spice4life]

Ok so for all the people following my story I am in NC although ex mm seems to be forgetting that.

 

Over the past few days Ive had messages (not replied to!) which seem to be minimising what actually happened I.e saying we were just sex so why am I getting all emotional on him? Or why am I blowing it all out of proportion we agreed it was just fun?

 

Well yes exMM we did agree that but you were also the one that told me you loved ME!

 

Is this normal?! I can understand him minimising us to his bs but why me? I was there myself and know exactly what went on I don't see what he'd get out of this

 

You have every right to your feelings and he shouldn't be contacting you to minimize them at all. As hard as it is, don't read his messages...delete without looking and go about your day. This way you won't know that he is trying to minimize how you feel.

[Owl]

If you're NC...why aren't you blocking his messages?

 

Then it doesn't matter what he says/thinks...because you truly won't know and won't care.

[beenburned]

If you didn't have a d-day, it might be his way of insuring you don't get mad/emotional enough to tell his wife.(damage control)

[imperfectangel]

He can say what he likes - i think about it for a moment the it's gone.

 

I was there when we were together I know what we both felt, what we shared together it's in the past now we're finished. Am I happy about losing someone I've had feelings for since I was 14? No, but I have to deal with the reality that I have now I'm 28 this year and I'm not taking this into my 30s

[Got it]

I'm dealing with the loss of my MM. Saw an IC the other day and she said the feelings in an affair are not real and are exaggerated by the secrecy, sneaking around, forbidden aspect. Its lust or attraction or sex but not love apparently...

 

still feel i like love my MM but it's not a love based on reality i guess.

 

I am sorry but this is not a carte blanche rule. I can say my love is the same or moreso for my dMM than when we were in the affair.

 

But what I can say is the love has not changed due to his marital status. Sorry, that might be true for some but that is definitely not true for myself. My feelings were true then, they were true last year and they are true today.

 

Honestly, I would get another therapist but that is me. My therapist doesn't tell me how to feel or what I am/was feeling didn't exist. I don't appreciate anyone telling me what I feel doesn't exist. That is blatantly untrue.

[happyme]

I agree with that Got it, nobody can possibly tell anyone else that their feelings are either real or not real because feelings are one of the few things which are totally and completely personal.

 

However..... a deep-rooted erroneous belief can cause painful or troublesome feelings and emotions, so rather than state that the feeling is not real, or wrose still wrong, it would be more helpful to look for the underlying belief which is the cause of the feeling.

 

A good example of a 'silent' belief in affair and other relationship pain is: it is acceptable for me to be treated this way and my suffering is because I love him/her.

 

Another belief could be: it is unacceptable for me to be treated this way and I refuse to suffer because I love myself.

 

Wishing you all the very best x

[UpwardForward]

Ok so for all the people following my story I am in NC although ex mm seems to be forgetting that.

 

Over the past few days Ive had messages (not replied to!) which seem to be minimising what actually happened I.e saying we were just sex so why am I getting all emotional on him? Or why am I blowing it all out of proportion we agreed it was just fun?

 

Well yes exMM we did agree that but you were also the one that told me you loved ME!

 

Is this normal?! I can understand him minimising us to his bs but why me? I was there myself and know exactly what went on I don't see what he'd get out of this

 

So called 'sex' i.e. intercourse is the most Intimate act between two people, and reason for a woman to Know the intimacy.

 

All the more reason for you to continue to ignore him, and his reasoning.

[findingnemo]

Is it normal? I think it's a way for a guilty person to feel better. But when they seek validation, it shows that even they aren't buying it. I think your xMM is going through a phase when he examines what happened and why it happened. He needs you to confirm that his new and improved version of the story is true.

 

BTDT. At first I handled it very well. The man I loved was responding to my question about why he married someone else if he loved me. He told me to my face that he'd never proposed, that we didn't spend a lot of time together (it was a year), that what we felt wasn't real, and more. I was in shock and told him to believe whatever made him sleep better at night. I then went into strict NC.

 

What I mishandled was our conversation 2 years later when he admitted he had tried to change the story. Instead of walking away, I stayed to comfort an obviously broken man who had realized that he'd made some bad choices. That comfort turned into an A eventually.

 

If your xMM is having some cognitive dissonance, it is his problem. You know what happened...and he knows you know. Do not throw yourself under yet another bus by giving him comfort on one hand and allowing him to convince you that you're delusional. If he wants to delude himself, that's fine. He can do it all by himself. Deny him the opportunity to use you one more time to make himself feel better.

[woinlove]

IA, I think East's post is dead on - guilt. People who are conflicted with guilt say and do a lot of conflicting things. You can't really make sense of it because it doesn't make sense.

 

To RW, I'd like to offer an alternative view. While the IC may be dismissing your feelings, it is also possible she sees some truth that she is trying to make you think about. Your yourself described how absolutely horrible MM was to you, how he used you. You also say your H is abusive to you. Maybe you need to learn how to love yourself more and only then will experience real love for another. Or maybe it is something a bit different. In any case, you might first ponder the implications of what IC is saying and see if it does reveal any new insight for you.

[donnamaybe]

I'm dealing with the loss of my MM. Saw an IC the other day and she said the feelings in an affair are not real and are exaggerated by the secrecy, sneaking around, forbidden aspect. Its lust or attraction or sex but not love apparently...

 

still feel i like love my MM but it's not a love based on reality i guess.

I think your counselor is spot on regarding nearly all A situations. The only way for anyone involved in an A to find out if this holds true for their particular situation or not is to end the A, whether it be to further the R with the MP by them ending the M and being with the AP or by going NC and then watching what happens.

 

OP, you just keep doing what you're doing. Remember, this is for YOU. You have to do what will ultimately make you happy for the long term. Yes, an A can be great if one wants merely fleeting joy on occasion. But if someone doesn't want to be the AP forever, they have to take a stand - for themselves! Your MM is obviously trying to assuage his own guilt OR trying to suck you back into the A. Stay strong!

[Got it]

I think your counselor is spot on regarding nearly all A situations. The only way for anyone involved in an A to find out if this holds true for their particular situation or not is to end the A, whether it be to further the R with the MP by them ending the M and being with the AP or by going NC and then watching what happens.

 

OP, you just keep doing what you're doing. Remember, this is for YOU. You have to do what will ultimately make you happy for the long term. Yes, an A can be great if one wants merely fleeting joy on occasion. But if someone doesn't want to be the AP forever, they have to take a stand - for themselves! Your MM is obviously trying to assuage his own guilt OR trying to suck you back into the A. Stay strong!

 

Again this is not a carte blanche rule. Not all affairs have "fleeting joy on occasion". Nor do all affairs mean that one will be an AP forever if they don't break up (which is what I am assuming you are saying by making a stand).

 

The OP needs to do what is best for her and focus on her life and her happiness whatever that may involve.

[woinlove]

Again this is not a carte blanche rule. Not all affairs have "fleeting joy on occasion". Nor do all affairs mean that one will be an AP forever if they don't break up (which is what I am assuming you are saying by making a stand).

 

The OP needs to do what is best for her and focus on her life and her happiness whatever that may involve.

 

Usually taking a stand means deciding what you want and what you are willing to settle for. E.g. one might want an out in the open R or even a M, and decide one is willing to settle for a secret A if MM/MW draws up a formal separation now, etc.

[Got it]

Usually taking a stand means deciding what you want and what you are willing to settle for. E.g. one might want an out in the open R or even a M, and decide one is willing to settle for a secret A if MM/MW draws up a formal separation now, etc.

 

wo- yes I understand that, my focused approach was based on the OPs storyline and Donna's comments. I did ask that if i was wrong on my assumption on her meaning.

 

But yes, I do understand the bigger umbrella on what taking a stand in the context of an affair may entail.

[donnamaybe]

Usually taking a stand means deciding what you want and what you are willing to settle for. E.g. one might want an out in the open R or even a M, and decide one is willing to settle for a secret A if MM/MW draws up a formal separation now, etc.

Yes. Taking a stand for yourself is making sure a person gets what they want - for them - and refusing to settle no matter what circumstances it involves, even if it has nothing to do with a R of any kind.

[woinlove]

wo- yes I understand that, my focused approach was based on the OPs storyline and Donna's comments. I did ask that if i was wrong on my assumption on her meaning.

 

But yes, I do understand the bigger umbrella on what taking a stand in the context of an affair may entail.

 

Imperfectangel's A does seem to have been one with fleeting moments of joy inbetween lots of pain due to a MM who did not treat her well and IA decided she wanted and deserved better. So, yes that is one example. But as you point out not all A's are like that (and Donna didn't suggest they were either).

[Got it]

Imperfectangel's A does seem to have been one with fleeting moments of joy inbetween lots of pain due to a MM who did not treat her well and IA decided she wanted and deserved better. So, yes that is one example. But as you point out not all A's are like that (and Donna didn't suggest they were either).

 

 

Which, again, I asked if I was wrong in my assumption on what Donna was saying.

[MissBee]

Ok so for all the people following my story I am in NC although ex mm seems to be forgetting that.

 

Over the past few days Ive had messages (not replied to!) which seem to be minimising what actually happened I.e saying we were just sex so why am I getting all emotional on him? Or why am I blowing it all out of proportion we agreed it was just fun?

 

Well yes exMM we did agree that but you were also the one that told me you loved ME!

 

Is this normal?! I can understand him minimising us to his bs but why me? I was there myself and know exactly what went on I don't see what he'd get out of this

 

 

It seems like he is upset that you're not speaking to him, so is resorting to jeering you to get a reaction. Keep ignoring him I say, as this is just childish.

 

If it was just sex etc why is he emailing you to remind you about this when you're not responding???? Ridiculous. He clearly is upset that you're in NC and is saying anything to get a reaction. Don't oblige him.