Fiancee dumped me after a drunken jealous push. How do I get her to move back in?

[royal]

I've been living with my girlfriend/coworker for the past 9 months. We were deeply in love, never had a fight and were about a month away from getting engaged and buying house when this happened:

 

We were both very drunk one night out with a group of her friends from out of town. I saw her dancing with another guy. She is an exhibitionist and gorgeous. I got stupid jealous and yelled at her and pushed her accusing her of cheating on me.

Her friends took her back to her hometown that night and 5 days later her parents come to our place to pick up things and she's left me. I've spoken to her on the phone once since then and we've exchanged some emails back and forth. It's been over a week since it happened and I am desperatly trying to get her back.

 

I've even started seeing a counsellor who specializes in anger management and couples issues to show her I am serious about getting my self in order to ensure this never happens again.

 

The thing is , I'm a good guy and I did something really stupid that night. But I was really drunk. I've apologized a million times for what I did and expected that since it was our first 'fight' and that because we were so deeply in love that she could forgive me or at least talk to me.

 

We've spoken once since this night and she's emailed me and said she can never forgive me. I've been a wreck since she left .

 

WHat do I say to get her to come home and forgive me? Or is it a lost cause? Should I try the silent treatment or just keep pleading with her to forgive me?

[Thinkalot]

OK..in my view, you deserve to be forgiven. If you had a habit of being violent or aggressive, different story. But I think, what you did is something people just sometimes do. We're human. It was dumb, but you've admitted it was an error, and seeking counselling is evidence you are really trying to better yourself, and is admirable.

 

I've forgive things my fiance has done, and he's forgiven me. Some of them were pretty damn awful. One thing was so bad, I did not know if I could stay. But I did. I forgave him, and we went to counselling together and worked through it. It was worth it! He's also forgiven my mistakes. And as a result of coming through some hurdles, we are a stronger couple than we were.

 

My guess is your fiancee had her vision of you shattered. Probably she is going through all sorts of things right now...thinking you were not the man she thought you were and so on. And probably her parents and friends are feeding her all sorts of information, and blowing the whole thing up too. It happens. They want to protect her because they care for her. But things CAN get blown out of proportion.

 

I would be asking her to try and remove herself from them, and what THEY think, and to concentrate and what SHE wants. I would explain to her it was a one off incident, and hope she can see that too. I would suggest she comes to a counsellor with you. Ask if she will at least do that, before she makes up her mind. She should be able separate herself from whatever others are telling her also.

 

Frankly, if she is a strong independent person, and her love for you is true and strong, she will agree to go to counselling or something...and will not let your love go at this.

 

But, it may be she has had a history of abuse, or knows herself, and knows she actually is not capable of getting past this. If that's the case, it's unfortunate, but there is not much you can do, but accept what she is telling you. It is then her issue, that she cannot get past this, and her choice to move away.

 

I'm sorry for you that this has happened. If you end up apart, please don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing more than many people do...examining yourself, being honest, trying to be better.

[msrealdoll]

I agree. If what you're saying is true and this is an isolated incident, I'd forgive you. I'm a very forgiving person, though.

 

She may be less so. It may be that she can't see that someone could make a mistake like that and actually change. A lot of people have trouble with forgiveness.

 

Her friends and family are probably advising her to let you go. Everyone is so paranoid about domestic violence types of issues that people tend to go a bit overboard when something like this happens.

 

Try just giving her some space. Maybe writing her a letter would help. That way you can just pour your heart out with no interruptions. You can get everything you want said without her hanging up on you.

 

I'm really sorry this happened. I know it's driving you crazy and hurts like hell. I hope it works out for you.

[Thinkalot]

Yes, a letter, or an email is a good way to make clear your thoughts on the matter, and to perhaps communicate clearly that this is an isolated thing, that you are working on yourself, and that she needs to think clearly AWAY from parents and friends. It's HER life.

 

I also know that some people have a lot of trouble forgiving. They are not capable. If you marry this woman, both of you will do many things which will need forgiving. It is an important quality in a person.

 

I too, am very forgiving. More than my fiance. I am a lot softer and more compassionate than him overall. He tends to be the more grounded one, and while he is fair, he is also pretty strict in some of his views.

 

When my fiance did something which really hurt me, I had to really think hard about how important he was to me, and whether I could forgive and move on. I decided I could, IF he was willing to go to counselling and take a look at himself. He was. We went. And here we are, in love and engaged.

 

At first, he said he could not be with me...he couldn't get past some aspects in my sexual past (and he had shouted at me about them, and put me down, which is why I was so hurt). But he did come round, so there is hope for you. I gave him about a week of space...and moved in with my mum. I wrote him emails explaining how I felt, and the options I thought we had. I did not call though. I also worked on forgiving him for the awful things he said to me.

 

Good luck. I hope this lady has it in her to look at the bigger picture. Many people ARE paranoid about abuse these days.

[royal]

Thanks Thinkalot & msrealdoll for your responses. This makes me feel better. Everyone I've told this too thinks she should forgive me except her friends, her family and apparently herself. Even my doctor thinks it was an overreaction because wenever had a fight before this.

 

I've tried most of what you've suggested already though. Including asking her to make the decision for herself, writing her an email with all my thoughts on it, telling her it was a one time incident and that I'm getting counselling to better myself. She has had a history of abuse somewhat though and I think you're tight in assuming that's what it making it hard for her to forgive me. One of her boyfriends from eight years ago treated her like an object and was very possessive of her repeatedly (when he was sober). She ended up leaving him as well.

 

I will try and summarize what you two have suggested in another email to her and see if it works. Maybe giving her some space will help too.

 

And it is true, this was an isolated incident and I never want it to happen again. It has been so hard for me. I couldn't sleep or eat for a week because of this.

 

She wrote me in an email a couple nights ago that it was really hard for her because "you were my best friend, the one I'd tell all the stuff going on in my head to and now I can't." Maybe she is starting to feel some regret for leaving me now, I don't know. I've offered her full emotional and financial support in the meantime and she has yet to get back to me.

 

We are both on holidays from work for this week, so I told her to take the time to think about it and let me know if she wants to try counselling to get through it.

 

I'm wondering if she thinks that because I did it once, I could do it again or it could be worse. SO you may be right that she doesn't think anyone can change after making this mistake.

 

She also said: "I've been up and down between anger and depression and sorrow. I get so mad because it feels like some power brought us together and then that same power just ripped us apart so fast. I just don't understand how I could meet someone so special and then have it all fall apart. I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust a man again. You were my best friend and this happened. I'm going to be single for a very long time. I'm going to see a counsellor this afternoon."

 

So you can see how upset she is over what happened. I still love her so much and don't want to give up on an amazing relationship. At the same time, I don't want to torture myself and have to at some point consider lettin her go if she won't forgive me even after I've done the counselling.

 

If you have any other suggestions, please let me know. I haven't given up hope yet.

 

Thanks,

R.

[CurlyIam]

No ofence, but something is fishy around here. Why did she go to her parents who live in another city? Did you say you kick her out?

 

She could b sleeping over a friend's house and then decide Alone the next day what to do. I mean yes, yoursituation is tough, but so will tones of other. Willshe go back to mummy and daddy everytime?

 

This tell a lot about her, about how she handles difficult situations. Lack of maturity!!!

 

I would be terribly hurt for the only persons involved in this situations is the two of you EXCLUSIVELY.

 

MAybe it's my past shouting back at me, but every time, every single time I told my parents something bad about my bf, it came back to hunt me. For instance, I told her he got a speeding ticket, for it was this accident on the highway and he was really late for work. I swear to God, my mom called me for the last two months asking me if my bf is still driving fast. They worry, but I would have been so much better if I had just kept my mouth shut!

 

And this impusle she acted on - running back home - may cost her this relationship. I hate predicting bad things, but even if she does come back to you, her parents will never forgive you, unless they are truly extraordinary people. I know mine wouldn't. You must be tough, and she must be tougher...

[gobain]

Well, I guess I don't agree with everyone here really. While it sounds very much like your a good guy and the fact that you're going to counseling is admirable, she may be right to not take you back right now, if ever.

 

If more women would leave after the first time it gets violent we might not have quite the abuse problem we have in this world. You say you were drunk. Are you going to stop drinking too? All the anger management in the world won't do a thing if you get drunk and loose control again.

 

Her family and friends may be steeling her against going back to you, but can you blame them? They love her and don't want to take the chance of seeing someone they love possibly get hurt again - or worse. How can you possibly expect anything else from them?

 

Your actions have made her AFRAID of you. Do you get that? Men don't live by the same rules of self-protection that women must live by.

 

She is right to do what makes her feel safe, despite what you profess about love and counseling. Protests and promises of "it'll never happen again" have been convincing women for a very long time to go back to bad relationships. We hear horror stories all the time about the women who stay with abusive men. No matter what you tell her, she cannot know for sure that it would never happen again. She would be fearful everytime there was an arguement. And that's no way to live.

[CurlyIam]

A. they lived together for nine months, so you think they havebeen together for longer.

 

B. she is an exibitionist and danced with this other guy.

 

C. we do not know what exactly she did, what exactly they said to each other or if he abused her in any other way, verbally, physically.

 

I may be naive, but it is hard for me to believe that a person can turn over the night into an abuser. He is the same person she lived with for the 9 months, so... maybe we should have all the facts before judging royal. should he have a habit of loosing temper when drinking or becoming abusive, I'd say you were right.

 

But people have intense, uncotrolable reactions, especially when under the influence of alcohol and if we're in the situation of reacing towards jealousy - I must confess I sometimes am guilty of it. Not always, just sometimes. And alcohol never ever helps.

 

One should not consider facts outside the context and without considering prior antecendents.

[tiki]

I agree with gobain!!

 

If you'd scared me, I'd run too. If this is the love of your life, why would you physically push her? She is *supposed* to be your everything. Why would you get physical with a woman that you care so much about?

 

Maybe you two shouldn't have been in a dance club to begin with? That remotely adds risk to any relationship, right? And if the two of you are exclusive, why in God's name is she dancin up on some other man?! It sounds like she's made a mistake too, don't get me wrong...but I wouldn't take you back either.

 

What happens if ten years down the road, you find out that she's having an affair, you gonna knock her lights out? What's your plan of action? Anger management is a great idea. And don't ever lay your hands on another woman again that you wanna keep around. Do you realize that some men won't even hit a woman if THEY'VE been hit first?!

 

Just take into consideration where she's coming from, you've scared her. Maybe she's had an abusive past and cannot bear to go down that road again, AND SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO!!!! I say in the future, keep your hands to yourself and pick on someone your own size. Good luck and may your counselling go well.

[gobain]

No disrespect CurlyIam, but what the hell does it matter if his girlfriend is an exhibitionist? It doesn't matter what she was doing - AT ALL - she doesn't deserve to be shoved by him or anyone.

 

And whether someone is going to become abusive has no time limit. I knew a girl who was married for two years before emotional/verbal abuse became physical. Nine months is not a long enough time to find out all there is to know about someone - and some people can put on a real good show for awhile.

Once that line of physical abuse is crossed you can't know what will happen. And yes, you are naive to believe that it can't change overnight. Like I said, living in fear is no way to live.

[CurlyIam]

It's allright, none dissrespect taken.

 

But if we were to live constantlywith the fear that the other person might turn into an abuser, one should never in 10years get married. When is it safe? please give me a time frame. When do you know?

 

One can only be looking at the signs, like bad temper, no respect for women in general, taking pleasure in embarising hose weaker, who knows, just signs, intuition.

 

He said they never had a fight, he never touched her before woth the intention of harming her.

 

Look at the context:

 

I'm sure she knew about his insecurities (he said she is "gorgeous", hence she should have had the consideration to change her behaviour accordingly when he is around), yet continued her litle show. Why? she was a bit drunk.

 

 

And IMO, a woman, drunken woman, displaying "signs of affection" towards another man may have as a result not a polite, calm and rational talk with a bf, just as drunk, dealing with insecurities. It is obvious. Hell, if I'm a bit drunk and I see my man dirty dancing with another woman, you can be sure it can get ugly. This is a displayal of direct lack of respect to me!

 

As I have said before, context!!! Alcohol!!!

 

I am not making excuses for him, I don't think he was right to be pushing her, but it's about intense feelings. It's about fighting one of a relationship's biggest demons: jealousy! when none of them is thinking straight! Generalizing this ONE incident to "a life lived under fear" is a big stretch!

 

She fu*ked up big time, she should admit it! He acted like a jerk, he has admitted it, he is sorry and he wants to make it better! If she doesn't want this kind of man back, well, than that's her loss!!

 

 

 

 

Plus, I think this thread is about helping royal getting his girlfriend back!

 

I believe you desirve a second chance, tell her that you think that your relationship desirves an ending or a second chance and invite her for a face to face conversation. Over lunch, somewhere downtown. YOur town. Then talk to her and see exactly what she feels, what was her role in the decision of taking all her stuff from your appartment and ho much her parents decision.

 

See if it's not her parents's oppinion influencing her. Take her out of their territory and see exactly what she feels, what she wants, and if she is able to forgive you.

[Fayebelle]

Furthermore- Royal OBVIOUSLY is upset by his actions b/c he took the initiative to seek therapy on his own. I think his GF should respect that since many people who are in situations like this have to drag their SO kicking and screaming to see a counelor. The least she could do is attend w/him and hear a professional's opinion on his behavior and work on a solution Together. Is she going to run and expect him to fix every prob they have alone? That's a parent not a partner.

[gobain]

I don't believe that we should all live in fear of our SO turning into an abuser. But once he does abuse she has every right to walk away and never look back. And done once there is no knowing for sure if it will happen again.

 

And this thread may be about you helping royal get his SO back - but not me. I don't think she should ever go back and he should know that some women are going to feel that way - maybe even his ex-girlfriend.

 

She should respect that he going for counseling - absolutely.

But HE should respect that HE DID PUSH HER and she has every right to walk away if that's what she needs to do.

 

Sorry, Royal, but you screwed up and now you pay the price. I don't mean to be harsh, but I have little patience for abuse of any kind regardless of who she danced with or how much you were drinking.

[Debster]

As wierd as this may sound, the fact that you didn't fight once in 9 months of living together IMO made her more scared that because you did this, you have the potential to be abusive.

 

If you had fought before and it never turned violent, then yes, she could say to herself that it was an isolated event. That however, does not mean that she needs to or would accept it and forgive you. But it does make the chances a little higher, IMO.

 

That this was your ONLY fight and you pushed her can make her believe that this will happen every time you fight. The fact that you did this in public and in front of her friends would cause her to believe that if you are very angry, you forget about time/place - a sign of immaturity in your emotions. Add to that the fact that you accused her of cheating and are insecure in the relationship. Get over that - or you will lose her.

 

As for if she comes back - that is up to her to decided. i recommend letting her know how you feel, how sorry you are, what you are doing to fix things and that you will give her some space to deal with this.

 

I do commend you for going to counselling and working on your issues, but do it for yourself - and keep going - whether or not she comes back. It will help you in the long run and in future relationships.

 

Good luck.

[CurlyIam]

What's worse: get drunk and do some dirty dancing when your bf is there or have a big fight about it and in the heat of the talk, push the other person?

 

It depends a lot on what the girl did, on how their talk was and on exactly he did.

 

 

But he was there, with her, with their friends! What would have happened if he wasn't there? Or if she was with her friends in a bar and dancing with a stranger? She did all that in front of all their friends. Regardless of his feelings, pride or insecurities.

 

It is very easy to point fingers. And very hard not to take sides!

 

I understand that there is no excuse for a man laying his hand on a woman. He did not walk away at seeing her behaviour,he did not pack her bags, nor did he put it at the door. He confronted her. He pushed her...

 

I wonder if sheisn't using this against him so that now she's the only victim, sure to have the sympathy of everyone. Oh, the abuser! Look at what he did!

 

Being a woman is about standing up to yourself. Not only to defend your rights, but to take responsability for them too. That's what women do. Little children go and hide at ma's and dad's house!

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

What's worse: get drunk and do some dirty dancing when your bf is there or have a big fight about it and in the heat of the talk, push the other person?

 

Being a woman is about standing up to yourself. Not only to defend your rights, but to take responsability for them too. That's what women do. Little children go and hide at ma's and dad's house!

 

Meanwhile he IS being a man by admitting his mistake and seeking help. Has she seen anyone about her need for attention and inability to handle probs face on?

[gobain]

Women go to where they feel safest when they've been hurt. Why does it bother you that that's where she went? Maybe they were the only people with room enough to take her in.

 

Even if he had walked in on her riding some guy like he was Seattle Slew he had no right to hit her.

 

And what would have happened without her friends there? Maybe she would have gone home with or made out with the guy. Maybe he would have done more than just push her.

 

There is a difference between taking sides and believing she has every right to be afraid or not forgive him. You seem to be making alot of excuses for Royal for someone who says that there is no excuse for a man laying his hands on a woman.

 

Yeah - he confronted her alright. And the result was physical abuse. Excuse me for not feeling that this girl should do anything but make herself feel safe. Calling her a little child and accusing her of playing the victim when SHE WAS THE VICTIM is cold, insulting, and downright ridiculous.

 

What's worse, you ask? That you would even ask is frightening to me.

[Fayebelle]

The fact that he pushed her should not be defended but his actions since should. I understand that she was frightened but she has refused his every attempt to heal this breach. It's not like he showed up and said "yo baby! get your ass back home" He is seeing a councler and wants her to see one with him. It's the beggining of a process that she refuses to participate in. The man she loves has a problem and has asked for her help. She said nope I'm running away. That is the part that I have trouble understanding.

[HokeyReligions]

An abuser has to start somewhere. One shove is abuse.

 

There is no excuse or justification. I don't care if she started having sex with the other guy - royal should have walked out and not become violent.

 

I told my husband if he ever, ever hit or pushed me that would be it. He would be gone. I dated a guy once (we were getting serious and had been together 9 months) and I told him the same thing. I was falling for him and thinking of the future, etc. He got drunk and pushed me and I fell. I never saw him again and I have never ever regretted it. Whether he went on to push or hit others, I don't know. I will not tolerate it under any circumstances, and powered by alcohol and jealously---that is very good reason to leave. If my husband suddenly started with abusive behavior (after over 20 years together) he would be out the door and into counseling for himself. If I were to suddenly start hitting or abusing him, I would expect him to boot me out too. I seriously doubt if I would ever take him back after that either.

 

royal - its good you are getting some counseling. Hopefully your next gf will never have to fear or worry about you becoming violent because you will know how to handle yourself in the future. Wish your ex well, and move on.

 

we don't know all the nuances of the situation - but for her to leave and go to her mothers house speaks volumes about the seriousness of the situation. There may have been other instances or signs of abuse before this. We don't know. She may have had problems with others before royal, but that doesn't mean that she should tolerate it from royal.

 

I don't consider it running away. It is self-preservation. How awful to find out the man you think you love is or has the inclination to be an abuser. I hope that her family and friends help her to know that she did the right thing and to not look back.

[gobain]

My point is that, while admirable that he wants counseling, there is no reason that she should automatically be ready to seek counseling with him just because that's what he wants to do.

 

Maybe she's not ready. Maybe she's seeking it on her own. Maybe she will in a month or so be ready to face him - and her fear. She has communicated with him through email and told him that she's confused and feels alot of different emotions. She said to him - outright - that her trust is gone. You're going to judge that?

 

There is no judging how she is dealing with this - at all. This woman is being vilified because she's not doing exactly what he wants her to do.

 

And just as he fears the influence of her friends and family, they're going to fear his influence.

 

This woman has stood up for herself. She left a scary situation and walked away from someone she loved. That's brave. And if and when SHE's ready to begin to work through this with him SHE will make that decision. Not me, not anybody, not Royal.

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by gobain

My point is that, while admirable that he wants counseling, there is no reason that she should automatically be ready to seek counseling with him just because that's what he wants to do.

 

Maybe she's not ready. Maybe she's seeking it on her own. Maybe she will in a month or so be ready to face him - and her fear. She has communicated with him through email and told him that she's confused and feels alot of different emotions. She said to him - outright - that her trust is gone. You're going to judge that?

 

 

Very true- everyone is different. I was just thinking that if I loved someone enough to agree to marry them-I'd be more willing to work w/them if they need help. It's not fair to say she's not moving fast enough b/c he's ready for counceling now. She may need time and she may be waitng to see how serious he is about therapy. I did not look at it that way.

[CurlyIam]

Women go to where they feel safest when they've been hurt. Why does it bother you that that's where she went? Maybe they were the only people with room enough to take her in.

 

I'll tell you what bothers me. If you are old enough to make babies(e.g. move in with a man), maybe you're old enough to take care alone of your problems. What kind of friends do you have if they "do not have enough space" to let you come over for one night? Her friends drove her to her parents' house.

 

Even if he had walked in on her riding some guy like he was Seattle Slew he had no right to hit her.

 

He did not hit her!!!

 

And what would have happened without her friends there? Maybe she would have gone home with or made out with the guy. Maybe he would have done more than just push her.

 

What if it was the fact that there were their friends there that infuriated him? Fueled his insecurities - as in not only is she having her way, but she enjoys having audiance. That's what exibitionists do. Enjoy the attention. The friends were part of the scene. Her scene.(We both are specualting here, I hope you realize that)

 

There is a difference between taking sides and believing she has every right to be afraid or not forgive him.

 

I agree.

 

You seem to be making alot of excuses for Royal for someone who says that there is no excuse for a man laying his hands on a woman.

 

What I do not like is taking advantage of the fact that she's a woman. Using this as an excuse and geting away with it.

 

Here the easy answer IMHO is screaming "oh, oh, oh, the abuser!!!". He did not abuse her. Something tells me that her parents would have thrown his ass in jail over it. Imagine, they came the next day to "save the baby". She did not do one thing alone.

 

What kind of relationship do they have if over one night, over one did incident which is not "physically abusive", she decided do leave? How much of a faith does she have in him? How much does she trusts him? How much does she wants this relationship? Where does she ever shows her will?

 

 

Yeah - he confronted her alright. And the result was physical abuse.

 

You yourself said a few lines above that all he didwas push her. No "physical abuse"!

 

Excuse me for not feeling that this girl should do anything but make herself feel safe.

 

I totally agree. should she feel threaterned in any way, she should not give in and come back. But my oppinion is that there is no reason to. It depends a lot on the situation. I don't like being treated badly, but then, I Never put myself in that kind of situation.

 

Calling her a little child and accusing her of playing the victim when SHE WAS THE VICTIM is cold, insulting, and downright ridiculous.

 

No, IMO she is playing the victim. Not capable of handling the consequences of her actions.

Another side of this is how one sees a realtionship: totally abandoning yourself to the other person, trusting completely, putting faith along with feelings and respect.

 

In your oppinion should he walk in on her on her rodeo match, he should say "oh, sorry! Darling, I'll ship your stuff to your parents'. Please, don't mind me, go ahead and continue to have fun". No. Should one engage in this type of activities, one should see it coming. Not physical abuse. But the nasty part. Where things are hot and none of them is in controll. And the best way to act to it is to PREVENT this from happening.

 

Men do not have to take this kind of insults and are not obliged to act like gentlemen. She sure didn't act as if she desirved him acting like one. It is about instinct of possesion. We are not animal, this is not a jungle. Nonetheless, instincts are strong. And much more powerful when drunk.

 

 

What's worse, you ask? That you would even ask is frightening to me.

 

 

I'll tell you what bothers me. A couple has a problem... "GO and get counseling" screams the crowd. A tenager has acnea."GET on the pill" says them! What happened to not choosing the easy way out? With taking the consequences of your own actions?

 

What drives me out of my mind is people taking the easy way. Not making one effort! Instead of spending money and seeing coulselling, make some genuine effort and TALK and hear the other person! That's what they'll all tell you in counseling!

 

The easy answer here is screaming "abuser" and ending one relationship. Life is tough out there, if we love someone we want to work things out. We understand and make compromises. For we want to make it work. That's the thing.She said NOTHING!!! She wants nothing. It is mom and dad telling her that no young lady should have to be subject to such a dispitefull action. Probably the young lady should not put herself there first!

 

 

 

This is what I believe. It doesn't mean that all people should do the same. I think good man are hard to come by. I believe in holding on to one, once you've met him. IT's a personal choice - giving him up or continuing the fight, no matter what the reasons!

[royal]

Wow, it looks like my crisis has really created some debate. Thanks to all for your thoughts. Each of you has given me something to think about.

 

I'll try and address some of the comments...

 

CurlyIam: She went to he friends place, not her parents initially. I did not kick her out. She left in a drunken panic the night this happened. Her father has already told me that he could never forgive me.

 

gobain: Yes, I have stopped drinking altogether. No I can't blame them for caring for her but she is a 32 year old adult and should make her own decisions I feel. I told her to rake some time to clear her head before coming home and she agreed to it. Then I got the call from her Dad saying they were coming to get all her stuff. I've never abused any of my past partners before, drunk or otherwise. I love her more than anything and yes am dealing with my insecurity issues too.

 

CurlyIam: We have been together for a year now. What happened was this...I saw her dancing with the guy and told her to come down. She kept dancing on the stage. The guy had his hand on her stomach and she was dancing sexy with him. SO I walked over and pulled her off the stage and walked to the side of the dancefloor. I asked her..."WHat are you doing dancing with that guy?' She said..."I was joking". I responded, angrily:"That's not funny!" and this is when I pushed her.

I had never even raised my voice to her before this drunk or sober. The jealousy thing just pushed me over the edge somehow.

 

 

tikibrandy:I pushed her because I was drunk, angry and jealous that she was dancing with another guy on a stage in front of me and all our friends. You're right we shouldn't have been in the dance club. We both have since told eachother we wish that we hadn't even gone there and she said she regrets going on the dancefloor too. She apologized for her mistake too the next day.

 

gobain: What I realized the next morniing about her exhibitionsm was that she was teasing me and had no real interest in the guy at all. I just didn't see this when I was drunk (martinis and jagermeister if anyone knows what those will do to you).

 

CurlyIam: I've tried to ask her out and she won't see me yet. I will try again next weekend. She hasn't responded to my questions yet about how much of this is her decision and her parents yet.

 

Fayebelle: Thanks. I really hope she realizes that I am trying to make myself better. I've asked her to come to some couples counselling today.

 

gobain: I do respect that fact that I pushed her. But I love her and can't let a dream relation ship end because of drunken jealous f-up. If I lose her it will be because she can't forgive me because of her past. Not because I didn't relaize the error of my ways and avoid fixing them.

 

Debster: We had minor arguements but never raised our voices at eachother. I don't get your logic though. How come I can't just learn from my mistakes and take the steps to ensure it never happens again? I've apologized profusley and let her know about what I'm doing already. We'll see if she comes back. Yes, I am also doing the counselling for myself.

 

CurlyIam: She was dancing sexy and letting the guy touch her stomach. The talk was screaming really. I pushed her after she didn't fall down or hurt herself if that makes adifference.

I don't want to demonize her for this. She is an amzing woman and I was lucky to have her in my life as long as I have. She loves me too, I know.

 

Fayebelle: She saw a counsellor on Thursday. I don't know what it is about. She says she will never trust a man again because we were best friends and this happened. If we ever get back together I could talk to her about her issues too.

 

gobain: She was the victim definetly. I shouldn't have hit her. She didn't deserve it no matter what she did. I'm not trying to justify it. I just want her to forgive me and come home or go to some counselling with me. I don't want this to happen again.

 

 

Fayebelle: I don't know why she won't accept my offers either.Maybe she just needs some time and space to calm down. She loved me dearly a week ago I know that.

 

HokeyReligions: She didn't leave of her own volition. She was very drunk and her friends from out of town drover two hours out of town. When I spoke to her the next day the plan was for her to take a couple days and clear her head and heart and come home. I don't want to lose her or anyone else like this again, trust me.

 

gobain: She is seeking some counselling too. If she needs time, then I just want her to tell me she hasn't. I hope she comes back. We were perfect for eachother and her parents loved me too.

 

 

Fayebell: I hope she agrees with yu and comes back to work through this with me. I'm seeing my counsellor tomorrow. I won't stop going regardless of what happens between me and her. Going through soemthing like this is not fun for both sides.

 

Again, all your points are important ones. I just know one thing. I love her and want her to forgive me and work through the situation together.

 

 

Anyone got any other ideas on how I can get her back though?

 

 

R.

[CurlyIam]

Don't give up on her. Let her take her time, go to counseling, get help for whatever she needs to get help, and be there when she's over this.

 

IMO she'll come around. Just don't give her up!

 

Curly

 

P.S. I really like how you talk about your gf . I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

[gobain]

Pushing someone is not hitting - you are absolutely correct. But make no mistake PUSHING HER IS ABSOLUTELY ABUSE.

 

She lived with this guy. What was she supposed to do? Go home and pray it didn't escalate? She can make babies so she should go back home and let somebody push her around some more? Where would you have liked her to go? Her parents aren't supposed to help her because she's an adult now so they should just leave her to sleep on the street? "...she didn't do one thing alone..."????????

 

 

How is walking away from a scary situation not taking responsibility? By your reasoning the consequences of her actions - whatever her actions were - are to get pushed around? She's supposed to take that b/c she did something stupid? Are you serious? Who the hell are you to judge her friends and her decision to go to her parents? Who are you to call her an exhibitionist? Were you there? How do you know that this woman is an attention-seeking exhibitionist and Royal wasn't just overreacting?

 

And how is leaving your boyfriend using being a woman as an excuse? An excuse for what?

 

Maybe she did behave badly. I'm the first one to say that playing the victim "Oh woe is me I'm just a girl" is bad for all women. What you refuse to see is that she actually was a victim here - even Royal admits that.

 

You said, CurlyIam, that you would never put yourself in that position. Good for you. How can you then judge this woman's decision to remove herself from a situation she was in? By not seeing him she is doing exactly what you say that you do - not even putting herself in that situation again.

 

You've even said that you've behaved badly when drunk. Does that mean you get to be shoved b/c you behaved badly?

 

How can you agree that if she feels threatened then she should get out in one breath, and then say she's playing the victim? Men are hard to find so you should take the chance of getting pushed around?

 

I guess I just don't understand how you can judge her.