Fiancee dumped me after a drunken jealous push. How do I get her to move back in?

[gobain]

royal,

 

What happened to waiting until SHE's ready?????? CurlyIam is right - you're pushing things.

 

The problem with that is that you're trying to control the situation. I think control has something to do with why things got out of hand in the first place, correct? And a diamond pendent verges on obsessive - like you are staking a claim to her.

 

Slow down! Are you still seeing the counselor? You should discuss this with him/her before you give her a gift like that. You're trying to hard to control the situation and being too needy. If it pushes her away or makes her skittish, then where will you be?

 

I understand your desire to move things along, but this is not "a waiting game" as you put it, or a game of any kind. You're assuming that she's already coming back. YOU CANNOT PUT PRESSURE ON HER AT ALL or you will blow it - BIG TIME.

 

I'm sorry to be the nay-sayer here, but you have to slow down. "Passionately romantic" is not, frankly, how I would describe your actions right now.

[royal]

Turns out I'll never get a chance to even show her the diamond. She came into work today and told me she thought alot on the weekend and has decided that it's over between us and no chance of getting back together in the future. I have no choice to agree since we work together. I am quite content to let it go now too. She had led me on three times this past month that we might get back together, only to break it off each time. I've had enough of the torture and am moving on now.

 

This is my last post on the subject.

[SoleMate]

You "pushed her" and "accused her of cheating"? And then she had to get her parents' protection?

 

Something doesn't add up here. Just how hard did you push her? How many times? Did she fall down? Did you strike her, twist her arm, trip her, kick her? Did she have injuries that required treatment? Did security intervene? And what did you say in your accusations...exactly? What "bad words" did you use, and just how loud were they? How many other times has your anger and violence caused problems in your life? How often have you used your use of alcohol as an excuse for violence?

 

I would be very unlikely to go back to a man who pushed me and slandered me publicly. I guess I'm "zero tolerance" on that kind of thing. There are lots of fish in the sea, most of whom DON'T beat women up and curse them.

 

Final thought: How about giving up drinking, so you can realize that the alcohol, although doubtless a factor, is NOT the core problem here. Your own violent impulses and lack of control over them is.

[CurlyIam]

Hi, Solemate

 

 

He has already decided not to drink and on the seven pages of this thread he has explained how hard he pushed her. He said nothing about the words he used, but I'm sure it was a pretty ugly scene.

 

 

The main point is that right now he has realized that he did lose her forever. No more living together, no more house, no more diamond.

 

 

Royal, if you were 100% decided on never bringing this up, in order to be completely letting go, find another job. It's not good for you to see her every day. It must be hard on you both.

 

 

 

Seems like amerikajin was right all along... Write a post from time to time to know how your are.

 

 

Big hug,

 

Curly

[SoleMate]

OK, now I've spent 45 minutes carefully reading the thread. I'll alter my comments a bit:

 

1) As a woman, I have to say that I would turn around and run at TOP SPEED and PERMANENTLY from any man who ever pushed me or yelled abuse at me, let alone struck me. I'm petite - men are basically all bigger and stronger than me. The thought that they would hurt me in ANY way, I find absolutely terrifying in a primal sense. Maybe I read the newspaper too much - lots of men murdering their girlfriends and wives. Your gf was seriously scared and hurt - that's why she ran back to her parents. Does not require an advanced degree in psychology to understand that.

 

Most men seem to udnerstand that they must not hurt a woman physically in any way. (Let's not get into

emotionally - that's a different thread.) And they are very careful not to do so even unintentionally - and yes,

even if they are drunk and jealous!

 

2) Royal, put yourself in the father's shoes. Imagine that you have a daughter whom you cherish, and your goal in life is to see her safe and happy. It is hard to give her up to another man's (symbolic) protection, but you realize that since she is an adult, you may need to do so one day. But your standards are the highest - someone who will care for her and treat her as well as you, her father, would. Now you her that her most recent boyfriend shoves her around and yells at her. And he makes excuses as to why he did that. And he thinks he can make it all OK by saying sorry and getting counselling. Do you buy it, or not?

 

3) Royal, you probably don't feel like an abuser. But you are one - junior division. Good for you for getting counselling and cutting back on your drinking. You can nip this in the bud and not let it continue to wreak havoc in your and other people's lives. I would also recommend staying out of clubs and other places that tend to trigger bad behavior.

[soccorsilly]

Just bumping this topic up as you read his follow up. Wow!

[moimeme]

Love Shackers Have Been Scammed

 

This one wasn't. SoleMate wasn't. The guy went to a bar and physically punished his girl because she did something he didn't like her doing. Nobody should have found that acceptable.

 

That one of our members gets in tussles with a partner in which both end up in a confined space and one sometimes moves the other out of the way to be able to escape is VERY different from a man watching a woman at a distance do something he doesn't like and then for him to push, shove, hit, or grab her when she returns to his presence. The first is someone trying to escape an overly stressful situation who has been, essentially, trapped. In the second, the shove came from someone who was not trapped or in any way restrained and therefore was expressing his anger at behaviour. What royal did was never excusable.

[gobain]

Well said, moimeme.

Let's hope this is the last of this.