hotrum Posted October 5, 2000 Share Posted October 5, 2000 Hello, I need help! My housband and I argue all the time. The problem is the words that are used are harmful for both of us and mostly the children. I am quite patient with all this but my husband tends to take it overboard and curses at me all the time. I love him deerly but he does not listen to me when I tell him not to swear. I need help in knowing what can I do? Also, I must tell you he is not interested in seeking help. So I am left on my own to get help for him. What can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted October 5, 2000 Share Posted October 5, 2000 What does he say when you tell him that this REALLY bothers you? Link to post Share on other sites
Deejette Posted October 5, 2000 Share Posted October 5, 2000 Getting into the habit of responding nastily to each other is a pattern that really needs to be broken, or it will continue into your old age. You will be bickering and fighting into your golden years if you keep putting up with it now. I've seen it happen. Old marrieds sniping at each other. The level of nastiness becomes the status quo. It becomes normal and people tolerate it. It is not fair for you to want to work on this problem with no support from your husband. He has to want to meet you at least half-way on this. Otherwise, your children will grow up thinking that this is the way people treat each other in marriage and they will continue the pattern, much the same way people who have been abused can become abusers. It is not just your problem. Working on it so you can put up with bad behavior is not the solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Bestkindakid Posted October 5, 2000 Share Posted October 5, 2000 If you must bicker and fight, save it for when the kids are out of the house, or in bed. If he starts cursing at you in front of them, leave the room or ignore him. It sounds like the more you tell him not to do it, he does it. Maybe try not saying anything about the swearing for a couple of weeks and see if that changes anything. Also, I don't know how only the kids are, but they DEFINATELY should not be witnessing this sort of behavior. It is unhealthy for all concerned, but especially for the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 5, 2000 Share Posted October 5, 2000 I am with Paulie...I would love to know what kinds of things you fight about. I never could understand fighting myself. I have never seen the logic or need for being right. If somebody else wants to be right, no sweat off my back. It takes two to fight and you have to take half the responsiblity. Listen closely to what he is saying. Instead of shouting back, tell him you are hearing him. But I really need to know more about the kinds of things you bicker about to help you more. As far as the cursing is concerned, if he cares anything about his children at all, he will not fight or use profanity around them. If it is so important for him to win, to be right, ask him to participate in quiz shows, contests, and other such things where being right pays off. In marriages and other relationships, being right doesn't mean crap...especially if you go about letting your partner know it in such a wrong way. You husband sounds crazy and he's making you that way. Leave the kids off with grandma for a few days, put on the gloves and duke it out. Hire a referee and get sponsors to put up prizes. I think your husband would make a good candidate for TV's Survivor. Not only would he get voted off the island, he would get voted off the planet and your problems would be over. Link to post Share on other sites
hotrum Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 When I tell him it really bothers me he does not listen. I believe he does not hear me when I talk. Do you have any advise? Link to post Share on other sites
Deejette Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 You say your husband won't listen. I don't know what to tell you about this, because screaming and shouting is not the way to make people listen. I mean, you may get his attention, but he will think you are PMSing or something and never see that it is his behavior that is driving you to a frenzy. He just doesn't sound like he respects you and respect is the foundation of a good relationship. Without respect, a marriage won't last, unless people are just tolerating things because they think they can't do any better in life that be stuck in a mediocre or even painful, unloving relationship. I am with Paulie...I would love to know what kinds of things you fight about. I never could understand fighting myself. I have never seen the logic or need for being right. If somebody else wants to be right, no sweat off my back. It takes two to fight and you have to take half the responsiblity. Listen closely to what he is saying. Instead of shouting back, tell him you are hearing him. But I really need to know more about the kinds of things you bicker about to help you more. As far as the cursing is concerned, if he cares anything about his children at all, he will not fight or use profanity around them. If it is so important for him to win, to be right, ask him to participate in quiz shows, contests, and other such things where being right pays off. In marriages and other relationships, being right doesn't mean crap...especially if you go about letting your partner know it in such a wrong way. You husband sounds crazy and he's making you that way. Leave the kids off with grandma for a few days, put on the gloves and duke it out. Hire a referee and get sponsors to put up prizes. I think your husband would make a good candidate for TV's Survivor. Not only would he get voted off the island, he would get voted off the planet and your problems would be over. Link to post Share on other sites
hotrum Posted October 6, 2000 Share Posted October 6, 2000 Let me start by saying he argues with me!! He gets upset about everything. If the house is not cleaned (to his liking) or how I raise the children ect... I think he is PMSing!!! The wierd thing is that he is so kind at times and a devil the rest of the time. I want to be happy in his skin and to have a fun and loving relationship with me and the kids. I havent seen a smile on his face since his father past away 6 years ago. I don't think that is the reason for his unhappiness but I'm sure it has something to do with it. When I suggested seeing a cousellor he refused!!! We had gone once to a marriage counsellor and he told my husband that he was controlling andnot listening to what I had to offer, so he never when back. I believe he did not like what he heard. Please do not get me wrong with all that I am saying. I love my husband and I know that he loves me too. I want to work things out and I know he is fed up of the fighting as well. I also know that he would like things to be great to, if not he would of left a long time ago. Any suggestions now? You say your husband won't listen. I don't know what to tell you about this, because screaming and shouting is not the way to make people listen. I mean, you may get his attention, but he will think you are PMSing or something and never see that it is his behavior that is driving you to a frenzy. He just doesn't sound like he respects you and respect is the foundation of a good relationship. Without respect, a marriage won't last, unless people are just tolerating things because they think they can't do any better in life that be stuck in a mediocre or even painful, unloving relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 7, 2000 Share Posted October 7, 2000 The anger he feels is toward his father. After his father died, he had to find someone else to direct this anger to. His father probably treated him like crap growing up. The only suggestion I can make, in the absense of his willingness to get counselling, is to just plain stop engaging. In other words, let him do the yelling but you stay calm no matter what...and keep this up. If a person like this cannot get a rise out of someone, the behavior may worsen for a short time but then it will cease. Link to post Share on other sites
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