mixed signals

[nlg020503]

i have been in 2 long term relationships. both were bad situations so i have a hard time trusting. the first was with my ex-husband, the second was with my son's father. i dated a lot in between the 2 relationships, but i made a habit of keeping it "casual". it's always the same story...i tell a guy i don't want anything serious and they end up wanting to marry me (no joke).

 

well i have been dating a guy for 4 months. he is the first person i've dated since the break up with kid's dad. when i originally went out with him i had a totally different impression of him. i thought he was someone that i wouldn't develop feelings for and i could keep emotion out of the picture. i was SO wrong. he ended up being the guy that i described when someone would ask what qualities i would want in a man.

 

things were great at first. he was very affectionate and attentive and the sex was good. it didn't take long for that to fade....maybe about a month into it. he hardly seems interested in anything physical which is something i've never had to deal with. i do know that he is stressed but things are getting much easier for him. i have done a lot for him. i pay for most of the dates since he is between jobs. i spent 8 hours cleaning his apt. when he moved. basically, i do everything i possibly can to ease some of the pressure for him.

 

he is VERY intelligent and educated...sometimes he is a little arrogant about that but i usually brush it off. he makes it clear that he wants to be in a committed relationship but also makes it clear that he has "very high standards." lately, he takes everything i say the wrong way. he thinks that my opinions of anything are ridiculous. i know my good and bad qualities, but he seems to only focus on my faults.

 

i sometimes think it would be better just to break it off but when it comes down to it, i want him in my life. i have more respect for him than anyone. i instinctively know that i can trust him. he loves my son and vice versa. he is the one who always calls and wants to spend time together. he lived an hour away from him when i first met him and he moved 15 min. from me a month ago. he isn't very open to talking about things though. when i try to talk, i seem to get nowhere.

 

i have never been on this side of a relationship before (the one with the feelings) and i really don't know how to be vulnerable like this.

 

i guess my question is this: would a guy keep calling and wanting to see a girl if he didn't think very highly of her? because that's the impression i get.

[moimeme]

Yes. A guy could keep calling and wanting to see someone to fulfil some needs of his own for companionship without thinking highly of the person he's using to fulfil those needs.

 

If he regards you highly, he should treat you well and he should respect you. You should know by his actions that he thinks well of you.

 

lately, he takes everything i say the wrong way. he thinks that my opinions of anything are ridiculous.

 

How could you think, given that this happens, that he thinks well of you? I know one man who married a woman for whom he had contempt. He thought she was stupid. However, he wanted someone to cook and clean and have sex with so he married her.

 

Whatever his good qualities, his treatment of you outweigh them. Keep him in your life if you must - but not as a life partner. You will be miserable if you try to make a future with a man who treats you this badly.