Never say Never and it's not what you think!

[Steen719]

I met with XH yesterday to have him sign the insurance papers. I felt sick on Tuesday knowing that I would have to see him. We are very LC. Wednesday came and I felt better than I thought I would. I was fine. I dressed nicely, make-up, hair and got there first. He came in and when he sat down and signed the papers, I asked him how he was. I have no idea what happened to me, but I felt fine. No thought of tears or even anger. I was shocked. I was not angry at him anymore. Anyway, he told me that he had been sick and just did not feel well. We talked for 2 ½ hours. He was tearful about every 5-10 minutes. I felt sorry for him.

 

 

 

He had been out of town with girlfriend for wedding and according to him, they have called it quits. This was his rebound. The XOW un-friended him on facebook after I had several conversations with her via private messages on fb. Anyway, I had sent XH an email about him changing the locks back or giving me a key after he told me he had changed the locks. I was very direct about how I felt about him doing that and responded to his statements about me being the one who moved out with a very direct response about his dating in front of me, his cheating on me while we were married, his lying about me and to me while I was taking care of him and told him to ask his girlfriend how she would like all of that.

 

 

 

Well, anyway, he evidently had been talking to her about trips we made and other stuff when they were together and traveling, which made her unhappy with him and then she read the email. He did not hide stuff from her….lol…like he did with me! She did not like “his track record”, she said. He said she had been married 3 times. They did not get along, he said. So, there he sat in front of me, having lost everything. He no longer has his TKD business, he will not have a home when they foreclose, short sale or whatever will happen, he does not have his health, he no longer has a wife who stuck with him through sickness and health (but not cheating 2x) and his son talks to him when he calls, but never calls him and obviously has no respect for his dad. (Son called while we were talking and when I called him back, I told him his dad was a mess and he said “he did this to himself and these are the consequences. I don’t feel sorry for him at all”). His rebound didn’t work and he was so freaking sad that I felt sorry for him.

 

 

 

I have read over and over again that healing first before you get involved with anyone else is the only thing to do. I have cried a river, been lonely, talked to friends and my divorce recovery group, made new friends, started doing some new things and I am slowly recovering. He is a mess; he is grieving the loss of this last relationship and his marriage at the same time. The joy I thought I would feel when his rebound fell apart and he was unhappy was short lived. I admit, I felt some satisfaction, but it was not the overwhelming emotion.

 

 

I never, ever, ever would have thought I would know this is what would happen. I had been told that his rebound would not last, he would begin to understand what he had lost and that I would know it. I kept saying that it would not happen; my XH had too much pride, he always thought he was right and he would not let me know how things were. I was wrong. Never Say Never because you never know!

[2sunny]

Feeling neutral is a wonderful gift you're giving yourself!!!

 

Isn't it terrific?

 

 

Feeling sorry for him - well, once in a while I kinda get that way with my cheating exH - until I realize he's never gonna be happy no matter what... And he brings it all on himself by the choices HE makes.

 

Freedom - it's a good feeling!

[jaymz]

Hey thats real good, I am really pleased for you, you have been through the worse!

[IntoTheAbyss]

Must feel really good to know that in the end you learned a lot about yourself while the ex is still stewing in there own bs. My stbxw sounds a lot like your ex, tons of pride, 'knows' what she wants and from what I can tell is having an online emotional fling with a guy. Plans on visiting him and her gaming friends in a couple months. Everyone keeps telling me she will hit rock bottom, that whatever she has going on now will not last, it's not like I'm sittin here hoping for the worst for her .. I just want reality to kick in.

 

Happy that reality finally kicked in for your ex. Keep strong!

[Steen719]

Feeling neutral is a wonderful gift you're giving yourself!!!

 

Isn't it terrific?

 

 

Feeling sorry for him - well, once in a while I kinda get that way with my cheating exH - until I realize he's never gonna be happy no matter what... And he brings it all on himself by the choices HE makes.

 

Freedom - it's a good feeling!

I was blown away. I never expected that feeling. I can't explain it, even to myself. I prayed to forgive him and to forgive me. I am not particularly religious, but I knew I needed that to move forward. I looked at him and it no longer pulled at my heart, other than sympathy. Good Lord, unreal!

 

Hey thats real good, I am really pleased for you, you have been through the worse!

Oh, Jay, I hope so. I really do. I tried to follow the advice of those who have been there...cried all I needed to, talked to everyone who would listen...lol...and tried to do anything that was available to me, read about it and was grateful for any time I felt better. Without friends and family to support me, it would have been harder. I realized I was lucky, no matter what.

 

Must feel really good to know that in the end you learned a lot about yourself while the ex is still stewing in there own bs. My stbxw sounds a lot like your ex, tons of pride, 'knows' what she wants and from what I can tell is having an online emotional fling with a guy. Plans on visiting him and her gaming friends in a couple months. Everyone keeps telling me she will hit rock bottom, that whatever she has going on now will not last, it's not like I'm sittin here hoping for the worst for her .. I just want reality to kick in.

 

Happy that reality finally kicked in for your ex. Keep strong!

You are ahead of where I was. I was wishing for the worst for a while. It sure was not a good feeling, either. It didn't help and probably hurt me. I'm sorry for your pain. Everyone is probably right; she won't find what she is looking for with the other guy. One thing I held onto was that my brother told me that one day my XH would realize his mistakes and that while it may give me some satisfaction, the better thing would be that it would not be what I yearned for by that time. So, I wish that for you, too. Best to you...{{{HUGS}}} and keep going forward (not like we have choice, right?)

[andyg99]

 

 

The XOW un-friended him on facebook after I had several conversations with her via private messages on fb.

 

?? you talked to his girlfriend? maybe I'm reading that wrong...

 

anyway moving forward like you are is the best thing you can do! you are a good person for listening to him but you know that his mess is now just that... HIS MESS! keep moving forward!!!

[Steen719]

?? you talked to his girlfriend? maybe I'm reading that wrong...

 

anyway moving forward like you are is the best thing you can do! you are a good person for listening to him but you know that his mess is now just that... HIS MESS! keep moving forward!!!

 

Hey Andy,

 

I knew who he was talking to on the phone (phone records) last March and then found all of the stuff on the computer. We divorced in Oct. 2011 and I moved out Jan. 28, 2012. After I had been out of the house for a couple of weeks, I sent her a private message on facebook. She answered and we had several conversations. I basically told her that I didn't appreciate hers and my XH's contributions to the end of my marriage and that even if it turned out the best thing for me, she and he had hurt my son and that was unforgivable. I was very honest with her and told her that I was not going to tell her husband...but that it was not for her, but for her children (in their 20s), so they did not feel the disappointment in her that my son felt in his father. I did not want to hurt them and I was gone, never to go back. I know this might not be true, but I believe that people will reap what they sow, so I have no desire to intentionally hurt someone. I have to live with myself and be happy with me, so I did not disclose. I got some information from her, gave her some and I think she was disgusted with his lies about me. Of course, I was disgusted with both of them.

 

The new gf is not my concern, so I have no desire to talk to her.

 

I am moving forward. I do feel for him; it is hard not to. I mean, really, he doesn't have me anymore!!! One thing that I have discovered in all of these horrible months and years is that I have more capacity to forgive than I ever thought possible. However, that does not mean that I will go forward with him. Nooooo way. I am going to do what is best for me and he will have to do the same.

[Steen719]

Really happy for you. About him I agree with your son!

 

Thank you! I have no idea if my son will ever forgive him or feel the same way towards him. He is almost 22 and has his own strong opinions about this. It is he and his father's relationship to work out. I never say bad things to him about his dad; I never had to. My son had enough of those thoughts on his own.

[andyg99]

Bravo for the way you are hadling this! especially the contact with his girlfriend! you did nothing but tell her the truth! and forgiving someone is a gift, a gift to yourself!

[IntoTheAbyss]

You are ahead of where I was. I was wishing for the worst for a while. It sure was not a good feeling, either. It didn't help and probably hurt me. I'm sorry for your pain. Everyone is probably right; she won't find what she is looking for with the other guy. One thing I held onto was that my brother told me that one day my XH would realize his mistakes and that while it may give me some satisfaction, the better thing would be that it would not be what I yearned for by that time. So, I wish that for you, too. Best to you...{{{HUGS}}} and keep going forward (not like we have choice, right?)

 

I'm hoping your brothers advice will work for me as well! I ended her short lived return to the house based on the fact that she insisted on going on this trip alone and I knew it would kill me if we were still together. Lets hope by then I don't really care!

 

Hugs, one thing I do miss. Ha. {{{HUGS}}} right back at ya!

[Furious]

Steen719

 

You're a great lady, and the fact that you did not find pleasure in how rotten your ex's life turned out proves that.

 

He's still a crybaby, after all that he put you through, he whines about his troubles to the woman who he hurt the most. He does'nt get it and probably never will.

 

You raised a great son and he takes after his Mom.

 

Soon, your time will come to be loved by someone who deserves such a loving lady as you.

 

Hugs

[Steen719]

Thanks, andy; I am a work in progress. I have some way to go, but I am doing my best to go forward.

 

intotheabyss....I know what you mean; I miss the hugs, too. It takes time to get to where you don't care. I'm not there yet, not really. But, I am better than I was and some days, I wonder what I have missed...what I thought I had or what I actually had.

 

Furious, thank you. He is still whining. I know he still blames me for leaving him, so I guess you are right. He will most likely never get it. Oh well!

[findingnemo]

Steen, you've let go!!! Wow. That's the hard part, I think. We sometimes wish things had never changed and this qiute possibly keeps us down. I also like that it doesn't matter to you that he is suffering. It adds nothing to your life. That's the definition of removing someone from your space.

 

To this day I'm constantly asked if my H is dating...well, I have no idea and I don't care whether he does or doesn't. People don't seem to think this is normal. But I think it's normal when you have let go. So kudos to you!!

[Steen719]

So, I told the XH he could bring the chair to me that I was supposed to get from him and see the dogs. He called and I never answer his calls, so he emailed me and said why would I be nice to him since he treated me so bad. I said if you want to see the dogs, that is fine, but if not, leave the chair on the porch and I'll come get it. Well, you know what???? He started hemming and hawing....finally said he was leaving again to see the break-up lady. He and the rebound lady (married 3 times) are trying again. Hey, that is OK, but he was worried about coming here without my son being here...like lets wait until he is home. He is worried about her being upset with him and said he is trying to learn from his past mistakes. Oh dear...it was rich. I told him....oh no, I was just trying to let you see the dogs since you had been asking, please go on and good for you that all of your problems have been solved (you know; the not feeling good, the financial problems, his sexual dysfunction, etc.). lol...I should have known better than to feel sorry for him!!! All of his tears were because his match made in heaven broke up. Lordy, I am a sap!

 

Son wouldn't want him here in any case and would wonder if I had lost my mind!

 

It's a miracle...all of his problems are better!

[Steen719]

So, XH is back with this woman he was seeing. Once back together, he is gone most of the time, which helps me that he is not in the same city. I have been OK with him being with her.

 

But, I found out that he has had this woman in my house...my home... for weeks at a time. He knows how I loved my home. My ex-neighbor told me. I was very angry and have to say it...hurt that he would do that...oh no...I was also upset that I was upset about it. I called him and laid him out. We had agreed that he would not do that (nor would I). He called me several times and I did not answer, so I don't know what he was going to say. He left again, but it left me feeling icky. Here is what it felt like. I was walking in line and someone plucked me out and put her in. She parks in my spot, sleeps in my bed that I shared with XH, goes to the family weddings, events, etc. and until the staying at my house, I had dealt with it. He had turned his head to the right, found her and went full force ahead. Rebound or not, it was what it was.

 

No wonder he changed the locks...didn't want me there and asked son not to tell me. What an a**. He did change them back with my threats.

 

So, my son is home from college, staying with me. He goes over tonight to get his amps and music stuff out of the house (his band has been practicing while XH is gone) and XH is back and wanted the stuff out while he was here. Son went over and the woman was there...went to the bedroom and shut the door. My being upset about it last time had no effect.

 

I don't know why I am writing this. I thought I was doing so much better until this. I mean, we are done and I truly think it is best for me. But my home...really? I also figured XH would want to spend time with son, but maybe not.

 

I am upset that I am so bothered by this. I guess if I were really being honest with myself, it is so hard to have done so much for someone and find they have such disregard for me. In any case scenario, I cannot imagine myself being so callous. Difference in us, I guess.

 

Thanks for reading and if you have any wise words to help ease this suffering, I thank you for them. I feel like an idiot to be so upset.

[sad puppy]

Do not feel like an idiot, you have a right to be upset. Just feel it because it's natural to be pissed. He sounds insensitive and very much like an idiot. Just try and see that this is a minor blip and if anything, a verification that you are better without him. They both sound clueless. You, however, are moving healthily through and out of your pain. Good riddance to him.

[Steen719]

Thank you sad puppy. Not sure if this is moving healthily through and out of the pain...LOL. It doesn't feel too healthy. Some times I feel freaking nuts. I am upset over something that when I get to a better place in my mind (and I actually do that sometimes), I know I can't change and is not worthy of my angst.

 

This past three years, XH's illness, the cheating, the lies, the betrayal, divorce, financial ruin and every other damn thing has just about killed me. If God is trying to see if I could take a licking and keep on ticking....I did and I am alive and standing, so now would be a good time for a let up.

 

I'll endure; I always have, and maybe I am just expecting the good days I have to stick instead of melting into bad ones seamlessly. I felt good for a while, so I know it is coming, but I am like a kid at Christmas and want it NOW!

 

Well, that was cathartic, so thanks for reading.

[sad puppy]

Can't remember all the details of your story but I think your ex had a transplant? I remember this as my mom died, suddenly, and became a donor.

 

Anyway, I think you probably did all the right things as a wife, becoming the caretaker, doing your role as a loyal and helpful spouse, ... You were the one to hold it altogether and devoted your energies in this way. Then you find out your husband is a jerk. Long story short.

 

Maybe your lesson, because if we don't find lessons in our painful situations, what are they for, is that you are too giving, too good, ... Maybe now it is time for you, plain and simple. You did all the right things only to be repaid with disregard by your ex. That is unbalanced and I think that's what you are feeling.

 

I think a lot of pain and suffering in emotional relationships is caused by this imbalance. Maybe you can surrender this, use it as fuel to move on, but this time, with a more selfish attitude. Not in a bad way, but in a healthy way.

 

Acknowledge the imbalance, basically, the life sucks part, know you did everything a good and kind person would do, and surrender it to the universe. Then, moving forward, you pat yourself on the back as a great role model for your son, and make sure to always be a little selfish (for your own self) as you move on. You've been stellar, he's a jerk. You'll always be stellar, he'll always be a jerk. That's the imbalance. Acknowledge and release.

 

Don't let that imbalance continue to drag on you. Feel it, release it. And go back to being your own stellar self.

[Steen719]

Yes, a transplant. How wonderful of your family/mother to be a donor. I saw some amazing stories of transplants and the donors are what makes those stories and lives continue.

 

I think you are right. I have to let this go or I will never go forward. I did do what I should and he did not. That is on him. It is time to surrender it and I have got to see it that way or I will lose my mind. And...doing is being, so I had better start doing.

 

Thank you.

[sad puppy]

Yes, all this stuff is hard to reconcile in our minds because it just doesn't make sense. I have a restless mind that wants answers, now! I am impatient, always. I test extremely high on logic, so illogical stuff makes me crazy as I try to figure it out. I had to learn how to surrender, consciously, to problems/issues I could not fix or figure out.

 

It helps to take a deep breath, to see how things & people truly are, it's hard, but it's the first step. You need to be gentle with yourself, as you have done nothing wrong and he owes you a debt that can never be repaid. Like I said before, he's a jerk.

 

Your path took you through this process, and maybe the answers are not clear yet why this is a painful lesson. But, you can take away the proud knowing of your great behavior as a kind & loving person. You get to own that. He gets to own that he's a jerk, and jerks are cluelss so don't wait around for him to get it.

 

Surrendering is a very powerful tool, although it takes practice. Do some research on it. There are so many powerful & beautiful articles on this practice. Just a couple readings will help put your frame of mind at ease.

 

"Bless it & release it" as my old, Southern girlfriend used to say. Let. It. Be.

 

And get on with your stellar self, you know?

 

Yes, the donor experience really turned my mom's death into something manageable and beautiful. It is amazing. Indicative of my mother's entire life - gracious and service to others all the way to the very end. Sound familiar, my dear?

[Steen719]

Thank you, sad puppy.

 

I went yesterday to B&N and looked through many books, reading some of them in part. I ended up with one that I think might help give me some better perspective. Then I bought 4 other books for entertainment . Poor as a church mouse (for right now) and buying books.

 

One last thing. I don't know if your family had a chance to thank the donor. My XH did not ask for the address, but transplant recipients can. I'll thank you, instead. There was one young woman needing a lung transplant who was being evaluated while XH was going through the lengthy process. With her was her brother, mom & dad, grandmother and her husband. She was about 20 and so adorable and full of life, even with her condition. I think of her sometimes and know how someone like she (and her family) would be so grateful for the donor's graciousness.

[sad puppy]

Oh Steen, thank you so much! I know my mom's liver went to a 60 year old woman - so she's someone's mom, sister, grandmother, friend, or coworker. I've often wanted to reach out but I'm afraid as I don't know if she successfully accepted the transplant and I'm still in sadness from my mom's passing.

 

But your words mean so much. I'm always advocating loudly that people sign up to be donors, it's truly a miracle. For my family, we had no qualms. Soothed a sudden and difficult situation. I often think of my mom's recipient and hope she is going strong. It's amazing to think of one family, who's lost their very loved one, in the middle of the night, agreeing to the donor process while, at the same time, another family thousands of miles away, is rejoicing to get the call. I'm all teary eyed right now. This is life. How do we take the pain and beauty and maybe turn it into something beautiful?

 

How do we embrace the chaos, pain, confusion, tears, disappointments of our lives and somehow emerge stronger, wiser, witha full heart and not allow our and other's behaviors harm our capacity for love, especially for ourselves. It is through all this, the drama and pain, that we can emerge with our well earned scars, but also, maybe with compassion of ourselves and others and The desire to live our lives in such a way that we are embracing the chaos and beauty of it all.

 

It's difficult when we are neck deep in it, to see the light.

 

Someone posted on here, somewhere, that one needs to "start swimming to the surface, see the light, and swim for it". So beautiful and helpful. I posted this at my desk, I read it everyday. When we are most hurt and confused, I feel this is a good reminder. Swim for the light!

 

As far as books go, check out the library. I'm a readaholic, and always hit the library before the store so you can get a bunch of books, see what is helpful, and it's free!

 

Thank you for your kind words, means so much to me.

[Steen719]

Oh Steen, thank you so much! I know my mom's liver went to a 60 year old woman - so she's someone's mom, sister, grandmother, friend, or coworker. I've often wanted to reach out but I'm afraid as I don't know if she successfully accepted the transplant and I'm still in sadness from my mom's passing.

 

I'm not sure about where your mother's recipient was transplanted but where XH was would release the address of the family of the donor after one year for the recipient to write them if they wished and asked for it. The donor's family was not given information at all. I can assure you that even if the recipient was not able to accept the transplant, they appreciated your family's gift, so don't think that. Believe me, most people think about what a sacrifice someone made for them. XH did not ask for the address, but I think that is more indicative of his selfish personality. I know 2 other people, friends, who had transplants and the recipient and family were overwhelmed with gratitude and one friend took great pains to write a letter that would say what he felt. His wife told me.

 

Yes, I am swimming for the light. I'll get there. Thank you for taking the time to answer.