revelations in journals: is it a fantasy or an affair?

[xenomorph]

I have not yet posted my full story on LS (yet), but I was curious to hear from others on this forum about discovering painful writings of affairs in their spouse's journals.

 

==My (short version) of the story=======

In the midst of the pre-divorce whirlwind, with my husband wanting to leave me abruptly, giving me the cold shoulder, still having sex with me, putting me down, and being just generally mean and cruel to me emotionally, i came across my husband's misplaced journal. I was surprised that he had been keeping one to begin with, but with all the unanswered questions I had as to his strange behavior, and the fact that i felt that my privacy at home was violated on several occassions (he had full access to my laptop, journals, phone, and everything else while i was away at work), I dove into the journal.

 

It was earth shattering. He had written an account of meeting up with an old girl friend from home (someone who he had "made out" with long before he ever met me, but never was in a relationship with). After going out with friends, they snuck off at night and it became one of those dreadful "one thing led to another" story, spending the night together and having sex. There was mention that this wasn't the first time he had had oral sex with her either, so i assume that they had more than a "make out" session in the past.

 

Thing is, when I finally confronted him about it, he broke down and said it was just a fantasy he had written, that he "writes stuff like that all the time". About real people in his life? My head became foggy; here he was, with tears in his eyes, saying it's just a fantasy, but the words i remember reading were so vivid and real. He didn't want me to think poorly of him; his reasons for leaving me so abruptly were not because of another woman, but of his genuine need to be back with his friends and family and carve a life out for himself. I just don't know if i can buy that... it seemed all too fast, with more questions than answers. When i've asked if there is anything i should be concerned about health-wise, he said there is nothing to worry about. When i asked again at another time, he responded with a snap and a cynical sneer that rattled me. He later didn't care whether i thought poorly of him or not, but still denied the affair (or just kept silent).

 

 

From what I've read, I know that cheaters will lie lie lie to the bitter end, or to the grave if they can, so I just don't know if I can believe him. I've talked to the OW, and she seems utterly oblivious to his desire for her and is mortified at the thought of being seen as sexual partner by him (she has kids and is currently engaged with someone too!). I've been debating whether or not i should contact her fiance because i'm not certain, and i would NOT want to hurt their relationship with hearsay.

 

So did i really read a fantasy, or are both of my legs being pulled by two very clever people with a secret?

 

I'd like to hear from people who have been on both sides of the fence. Have any cheaters felt compelled to write about their experience? Has anyone discovered journals from their husbands (or wives) with this sort of material? Did they fess up or claim it was just fantasy writing? What happened?

Edited April 27, 2012 by xenomorph
spelling errors/amendments

[january2011]

I found emails and pictures.

 

We'd already broken up. The 'evidence' just answered all the 'why' questions. I didn't confront him. He still doesn't know that I know.

 

It's water under the bridge now. I'm with someone new.

 

With regard to your situation, it sounds plausible but it also sounds like gaslighting on his part. His reactions to your questions after the first denial are additional red flags for me.

 

Even if nothing happened, the fact that he wrote so explicitly about someone else who is not you is unacceptable in my opinion.

[BetrayedH]

I found that my wife had been to a website where women wrote about their extra marital affairs. She claimed she just liked to read and fantasize there, much like I like to look at porn from time to time.

 

As it turns out, she wasn't just reading there but had had an affair and had submitted a story to the blog. I found her submission about 7 months into "reconciling." Even after she had been busted for cheating and had made one claim after another about her new-found honesty, she was still lying.

 

Your guy is lying. Stop confronting him. Let him think you are snowed. When it looks like the coast is clear, they will resume. Become an investigator. Look up keyloggers, GPS trackers, and voice activated recorders. Check his internet history. Never reveal your sources. Their affair is underground. Just my .02

 

You might wait for evidence before confronting the OW's fiance or you'll just be painted as a nutjob by both affair partners. Once you have evidence, bring it to him and he'll likely be able to connect the dots even more. Sad to say, but this is all normal.

[Bellechica]

WW here. I've never felt compelled to write details about my sexual experiences with exOM. It seems odd that your H would do so, but even if it is simply "fantasy", doesn't that make you feel betrayed as well?

[SoMovinOn]

I can't know, of course, but I would guess he is lying through his teeth.

 

Is he typically a creative writer? Is this his only creative writing experience - this affair fantasy?

 

You can probably judge a lot by the style of writing. A journal entry describing details of an actual event would, in my mind, read very differently from a made up story.

 

Of course, if it's over between you two, it may not be worth it to spend too much of your time worrying about it. Assume he is lying, assume he is/was cheating, and leave it at that. Move on and move forward with your own life.

[xenomorph]

Thank you, I am definitely moving on with my life as I cannot see myself with my stbxh anymore. My trust in him has been shattered just by the way he treated me, and I deserve better.

 

I hope that this thread can help others who can identify with this situation, or are wondering about their spouse's suspicious activities.

 

I found that my wife had been to a website where women wrote about their extra marital affairs. She claimed she just liked to read and fantasize there, much like I like to look at porn from time to time.

 

As it turns out, she wasn't just reading there but had had an affair and had submitted a story to the blog. I found her submission about 7 months into "reconciling." Even after she had been busted for cheating and had made one claim after another about her new-found honesty, she was still lying.

 

Your guy is lying. Stop confronting him. Let him think you are snowed. When it looks like the coast is clear, they will resume. Become an investigator. Look up keyloggers, GPS trackers, and voice activated recorders. Check his internet history. Never reveal your sources. Their affair is underground. Just my .02

 

You might wait for evidence before confronting the OW's fiance or you'll just be painted as a nutjob by both affair partners. Once you have evidence, bring it to him and he'll likely be able to connect the dots even more. Sad to say, but this is all normal.

 

You're right about waiting for more evidence before confronting the OW fiance, but at this point, my options are limited as he has moved back to his hometown in another state (where the possible OW lives with her fiance and kids). We are also both tech savvy people, so I know he knows how to cover his tracks: everything was password protected, when before, we would share phones freely to make calls or look up directions. I never had the urge to look at his personal stuff because I'm not like that; i respect other's people's privacy. I felt so guilty and wrong for even thinking of reading his journal, but i was so overwhelmed by questions that i had to. A part of me wishes I never looked, but another part of me is glad I did because knowing he may have cheated made it easier to make the conscious decision to take steps towards moving on. It's an awkward path at the moment, but I am determined!

 

I went NC and I doubt I will ever see or speak to him again (unless it has to do with the divorce he so desperately wanted). I do have color copies of the journal front to back, however. I remember what was in it, so I refuse to look at it again (if ever), unless i discover more evidence that would prompt me to share the information with the OWF. The OWF is innocent in all this, and loves her, and is co-parenting her kids. I also can't put it past the OW to lie and manipulate to cover my stbwh tracks: they are both very intelligent people with questionable morals.

 

I can't know, of course, but I would guess he is lying through his teeth.

 

Is he typically a creative writer? Is this his only creative writing experience - this affair fantasy?

 

You can probably judge a lot by the style of writing. A journal entry describing details of an actual event would, in my mind, read very differently from a made up story.

He is a good writer, but most of the writing he has done is non-fiction. Journalism, commentary, essays, etc. Not once have I ever heard him say he was interested in becoming a fiction writer, but he is an avid reader of several genres and types (usually essays, studies, and philosophical writings, as well as high-concept or dadaist fiction). He has the chops, but he has not written for himself since i've known him, despite how often i've encouraged him to explore his talents. Just to clarify: the alleged "fantasy" journal entries took place during his visit to his hometown, one of the only times he's ever visited home without me. He wanted a divorce immediately after returning from this trip.

 

My mother said that cheaters often want to be "found out" without being around, because the guilt and fear would be too much to face. Could he have "misplaced" this journal so that i would find it? He was really distraught about me reading it, and took it back from me as soon as he could. There were also times where he would get up at night as look as if he were looking for something lost. When I asked him "you looking for something?", he would say "No". (At this time, I had still not discovered the journal, so asking him if he had lost something and wanting to help was genuine).

[Ninja'sHusband]

If I were writing a sexual fantasy it would be about a stranger probably. Someone I just met that day or something like that. There are OW I've secretly lusted over in real life(I think every guy does this..)...but I couldn't imagine putting pen to paper about it. That would be sooo weird. Now if it was nonfiction, there would be a higher chance of writing about it. Seems crazy to create proof like that...but dunno. Just seems more likely to be non-fiction than fiction to me.

[xenomorph]

It seems as though he is in love or infatuated with *someone*, the likely person being the person he wrote about. He acted very guilty, and then very proud and defiant, then solemn, then downright mean and spiteful. Like a child pretending to be an adult. In the journal, he also wrote that he needed to document this "process" for later use; no idea what that means.