How long do I give him his space

[curlygirl40]

Hi all!

 

So I've been dating this guy for 2 months, we met online he's a really great guy.

 

It's so refreshing because our feelings have been on the table the whole time. How we feel about dating, how we feel about each other, our past relationships, everything. It's unlike any other relationship I've been in where the honesty and communication is always there.

 

We are exclusive, intimate, our profiles are down, etc.

 

Neither of us are feeling 'love' for each other at this point, and we talk about that sometimes. How we are confused about our feelings because we like each other a lot, have a great time with each other when we're together, we're very couply, very comfortable with each other, sex is amazing, etc., etc. But yet both of us are feeling like something is missing.

 

About 1.5 weeks ago we decided to go our separate ways, I initiated that conversation after something that he said that made me think he was thinking it. He said he felt it was for the best. But then he IMMEDIATELY backpeddled and told me that he didn't feel like he ever really gave our relationship a fair chance (he was hurt last year and is having a hard time getting close to someone else, he says), etc.

 

The texting started to get very sweet on his end, checking in with me more often, etc. He told me he really wanted to see me last weekend. We had a great time. Our relationship is so comfortable. It just feels like we've been together forever, like we're great friends. We took a small road trip, stopped someplace for dinner, talked forever about whatever. I spent the night, we did breakfast. He was incredibly sweet the whole time.

 

Tuesday I get an e-mail from him and he told me that he is struggling with his feelings for me and he's starting to feel himself not wanting to interact with anyone. He had an appointment with his therapist that day and he said he needs to work that out.

 

I answered the e-mail quickly, not long drawn out emotional stuff just a quick response. I have heard NOTHING from him since then. If he needs his space, I will give it to him. I will not push. I know I can't force anything, he needs to want to be with me, I can't make that happen by pushing him at this point. All I can do is decide that this relationship, the way it is right now, will or will not work for me and make my decision on what to do based on what I need. I got that.

 

I really miss him in my day to day life but he obviously has things that he needs to work out and he's not reaching out to me.

 

So what do I do?

 

I have read so many times in books and on this blog that I read (Evan something Katz) that sometimes men need the distance to figure out how they feel about you. When they create that distance if you fill it in by pushing or coming on strong, then they won't have the distance so they will push away even further. But how much distance do I give him? How long before I think "well I guess it's over".

 

So here I wait.

 

I know he's struggling and I respect that. He's a great guy, we're in our 40's there has been no game play, etc. I have no doubts about him being honest with me, etc.

 

Anyone experienced this before? Do I reach out and check in with him? Or do I assume if he wants to hear from me he will reach out first since he was the one who initiated the space by falling off the face of the earth?

 

For the record since we met first of March, we have not gone one day without talking. It seems very odd. I'm actually starting to worry.

[truth_seeker]

I have to agree and say he's not that into you. If the sex were amazing, if he would be sticking around for sure.

[Imajerk17]

Why is it that when things are seemingly going so well, almost always "something is missing"? Do people really need uncertainty?

 

Give it a week and reassess.

[curlygirl40]

Thank you

 

For the record, I'm fine with the way things were going. I would choose great fun, comfortable relationship, amazing sex, a feeling like this person could be a great friend and great partner to share the rest of my life with and feelings that grow slowly over butterflies and uncertainty anyday.

 

So I'm not running looking for something more exciting. I'm feeling like if we give it some time that things will grow at a natural pace.

 

I agree that he might just not be in to me. I get that and I'm o.k with that I could move on. But I know sometimes men need their space to think and they grow attachment sometimes through distance. I have seen it happen so I was curious what your thoughts were on that. Ninja I need you here. lol

 

And btw the sex WAS amazing! LOL And not just for me, for him too. I have evidence, lol. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts. I'm going to give it the weekend and reach out to him in a friendly, not accusatory way and see where he's at emotionally.

[Mme. Chaucer]

You aren't really giving him his space - he is taking his space, and that's where he is.

 

If he wants to come back, he will. I think it's up to him, since he is the one who said he didn't want to "interact with you" anymore. I don't know why, but that sounds harsh and hurtful to me.

 

I don't know for sure, but I think that if I had been in your shoes I would not have had those conversations about not feeling "in love" or whatever. I probably would have continued to enjoy a very good thing. Talking about what elusive thing is missing would seem to push the relationship to a place where it sounds like you did not want it to go.

 

I can't imagine having a relationship with a man where we talked every day about everything, had amazing sex, fun, etc. and still feeling like something was missing (in my 40's, anyway).

 

You may have both subjected what was developing between you to too much scrutiny. Communication is good, but we can go overboard at times.

[dasein]

Cultivate other options, two possibilities here, 1) he was really feeling the need for space, or 2) he wasn't, didn't want to be the dumpee and wanted to save face, so went along with it. Either way, ball's in his court now, as you have been patient and responsive in light of all the early drama.

 

Some would say that this level of drama this early on spells doom, not sure I'm 100% in that camp as a catchall every single time, but it is worth considering within your experience of the relationship.

[DuchessKaye]

Don't just give him his space.

Send him to outer space, instead?

Kidding!

 

But seriously,

another vote for "He's not that into you..."

I am sorry for the way you feel right now.

Cheer Up! You deserve so much more

[curlygirl40]

Ugh I typed this long response and my computer froze. Anyway, Mme, Chaucer I agree totally.

 

I would prefer to just go along, enjoy each other, have fun, let things happen naturally than to define, overthink, overanalyze and put 'unsure' feelings on the table so early. That was his idea. In the beginning after the first few weeks (before we slept together) I think he just was afraid he was going to hurt me and wanted me to know how he felt.

 

So we'll see. I'm letting it go. Even though it had only been a couple months he felt like a great friend. I feel strongly even if we don't continue dating that we will maintain some sort of friendship. If he comes back around and wants to continue where we left off, we will. Or we won't. Depends on a lot of things really.

 

Thanks again.

[2sunny]

What do you do?

 

Get busy living!

 

He's got things to work through and he doesn't want you watching him while he works through it.

 

Stay away!

 

Go have fun!

 

Do not contact him while he needs his space... Do not wait. Do not keep thinking he'll change his mind.

 

Start living for you!