Jimmyboy101 Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 I have currently been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year and a half. We were good friends before we started dating and had been intimate before we ever made things official. Recently, a guy text her asking if she was single and would like to take her out for drinks. This guy was someone who met her at her job before her and I made things "official". She politely declined the text saying she has a boyfriend. Later on that night he sent her another text saying "you should come out with me tonight anyways". This time she told him to leave her alone. He responds with "What is the matter, you certainly remember enjoying the f*** we had a while back". Again, I remember her telling me about this guy when he came to her job and asked for her number. This is where I have an issue. We were seeing each other and being intimate, yet, I am now here thinking she slept with another guy around that time. She emphatically denies anything ever happened with them. She called him to tell him to leave her alone but never once denied that it ever happened. I was so pissed I called him to have my say and defend my girlfriend. This may have been a mistake because he went on about details that happened that night and one thing in particular hit me. He explained a feature on her body that you can only see underneath her clothing. He explained that she gave him oral and he went on to have sex but stopped because she was acting weird or guilty but ended up staying the night anyways. I am a bit shocked and full of emotion. She keeps denying it even though some details about the night seem to be legitimate. I do not know how I should act. I feel disgusted and feel she is being untruthful to me. Another question is do I even have the right to be mad and upset? Now, a year and a half later we are living together and enjoying each others love. It has been amazing. But now I feel a bit betrayed and do not know how to handle what I just found out. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 If this happened before you two were in a relationship then you need to let it go. This doesn't mean she should have lied, but she was likely ashamed and worried it could cause you to leave or see her differently. If I were in this position, and it wouldn't change my view of things, I would explain what I was told and tell her that you just want the truth... it doesn't change anything. And that lying hurts more than knowing that what you were told was true. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyboy101 Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 I do understand what you are saying. We had a talk about not being intimate with another person while we were doing so. Supposedly it was a drunk night out with this guy. Again, i do understand everything you said and it would not change our relationship. She has been an amazing person to me and I love her to pieces. I guess my ego was hit hard and when I see her I tend to think of the thoughts in my head that was told to me. I feel disgusted inside and try to swallow anything that I feel. Like you said, I am more hurt because I do in fact feel like she is keeping it a secret. I have even said to her, it would hurt more knowing if you lied to me more than what happened that night. She would go on and say, again, I am not lying, nothing happened that night. Link to post Share on other sites
Reddice Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 This is how it starts you know... with a small lie. Then, as the relationship progresses, you find more and and more small lies. You let them go, because they are small and insignificant. Some things happened before you were even together. Then, you notice a couple more lies. Some a bit bigger. You start to ask, she keeps denying. You believe her. And then comes the day when you encounter a big lie. You have invested so much in the relationship that you continue believing her. Untill the day when it blows up in your face and all the BS that has been accumulating over the years comes out. It actually happened to me. I should have broken up with my ex as soon as the first lie surfaced. She lied about sleeping with some guy before getting together with me. I let it go, because it was in the past. Then came another lie, also sexual in nature. It was before we even got together so I let it slide. This happened a few times. Then, three months ago, **** hit the fan and we had to break up. She left me for someone else, dispite even more lies from her about there not being anyone else. In my experience, you should not allow a single lie to sneak into your relationship! If it happened before you got together, it shouldn't have mattered anyway right? If she doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth, she simply doesn't trust you enough. Big issue which you definately need to adress. Big or small, a lie is still a lie! Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 Agree with Reddice. But also with Praptor. Have learned through much experience that today, if a woman is good looking, the likelihood that she is sleeping with one or several men, having ONS, NSA or FWB is -extremely- high these days. You just have to deal with that as a given reality. And most of them will lie to your face about their sexual habits, despite that -they- are always the ones who bring it up. It's like they are testing to see how much lie you will swallow for future reference. I wouldn't break with your GF over this, especially if she is telling men to get lost. But do watch her and listen carefully for her to "bring up" guys from work or wherever with the addon "I could never be interested in him" or "he's gross." In femspeak, as crazy as it sounds, this often decodes into "I'm on the verge of cheating." Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted April 27, 2012 Share Posted April 27, 2012 The trouble is now, that she knows you'll swallow whatever lies she comes out with. Here is what I would do Say "I'm not going to break up with you over what happened, but I am willing to break up with you over lying to me. I need to know the truth, and I'm going to leave if I don't get it." She won't believe you, so you'll actually have to walk out on her. She'll call and text and proclaim her innocence for a while, depending on how far round her little finger she thinks she has you. When she finally realises you're serious, she'll crack and confess. This is important - Don't get mad. At that point you ask her if she's ready to talk to you about it and own up to things. Meet up with her and get all the details. Again, don't blow up in her face. Show that you're man enough to handle the truth calmly. If you believe she's come clean, thank her for her honesty and forgive her like you said you would. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jimmyboy101 Posted April 27, 2012 Author Share Posted April 27, 2012 Thank you for everyone who has replied. From what I am taking, and please tell me if I am wrong is that it is not about whether she did what was said, but about her lying? As I mentioned, we have had an amazing time in our relationship and I fully trust her since we have been "officially" together. I quote that because this happened a few weeks before I ask her exclusively. Is this to protect me from the truth so I do not get hurt or a situation where she is ashamed and disgusted about it. It seems as though when I ask her, she seem disgusted with whatever events took place that night. I know it seems as though I am defending her, but I am trying to get perspectives on both sides and not just being selfish because I am hurt. I do know people make mistakes all the time...but is there any logical reason for her to keep this from me? Link to post Share on other sites
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