am i crazy?

[tryingtomakeitwork7]

Hi,

 

I have posted several times before. My situation is as follows; My wife and i are getting separated. After she told me she loves me but is not in love with me anymore. It has been a long road of fighting for the past two years and i have even not wanted this relationship at some points. But when i was told that in Jan that she is not in love with me anymore it is as if i needed to try to fix it but it did not work. We attempted to fix our relationship under the same roof but it simply did not work.It has been hell. Her wanting space, us in different bedrooms and just unpleasant generally. However if we are not talking about how i feel or if i am not forcing her to do or want more we get along great. We do the same stuff as a married couple would do. except sex. No sex since November. A month or so ago she thought she should move in with her parents so we could be separated and get some space. I thought about that but knowing she does not love me, does not think it will work out but very much desires it to and will only commit to give it space to see what is between us. She just thinks she is sure of how she feels now and does not think it will change. but recognizes that it might with space. KNowing how she felt i decided that i did not want to be a princess ( we are both women) in a our house waiting for her to want to be around me and that actually me sticking around in this house we share together would not give us the true space or the true chance to actually see if it could work. Like we really need to start over with me moving out and if it works great if not ok. I told her i wanted to move out. She supported it eventually. Mind you she is the one who wants all of this. and now she agrees with the bit about me moving out and can see why i would want that opposed to waiting in a house i feel is full of pain. we have just done a proper separation agreement with attorneys. I am getting a settlement, selling my half of the house to her, splitting up the pets and all our belongings and moving out July 1st. She thinks it is important to let things settle and work at creating the space, a new space, to see what will be. She has told me that she does not think we should actively pursue dating other people but that if she met someone, or wanted to start dating them or anything like that she would tell me in advance. Basically if her feelings change. I don't know why but i feel annoyed by that. Because, essentially she wants me to actively pursue a friendship with her to see how things will be and spend a few nights a week together and hang out but i have no interest in investing that for a friendship. I do not want to be her friend. I want to invest it only if it means rebuilding but she can not promise that and can not say that us spending time will just reinforce her feelings now which is just friends.

Am i wrong to have reservations about investing in a friendship as a starting point?

 

She has told me she loves me, am her best friend and she does not want to loose that. that i am family to her, etc.

 

How do invest in an active friendship while i am so vulnerable and want and feel love for her?

 

How do i expect for us to rebuild anything if we can't first be friends again and let go of the hurt?

 

How do i prepare for her to tell me that she has met someone while i have been spending my time with her in hopes to reconcile?

 

It is as if she wants her cake and to eat it too. She does not want me as her wife, does not want us to date anyone else right now, Can not promise that her feelings will change and can only say she is dedicated to seeing what is between us, how do i wrap myself around that and be open enough to rebuild but guarded enough to prepare myself for her possibly meeting someone else. We both think the odds are in favor of a divorce. It is a mess.

 

we have been married four years and together for nearly 8. Ugh please help?

[IntoTheAbyss]

Am i wrong to have reservations about investing in a friendship as a starting point?

 

She has told me she loves me, am her best friend and she does not want to loose that. that i am family to her, etc.

 

How do invest in an active friendship while i am so vulnerable and want and feel love for her?

 

How do i expect for us to rebuild anything if we can't first be friends again and let go of the hurt?

 

How do i prepare for her to tell me that she has met someone while i have been spending my time with her in hopes to reconcile?

 

It is as if she wants her cake and to eat it too. She does not want me as her wife, does not want us to date anyone else right now, Can not promise that her feelings will change and can only say she is dedicated to seeing what is between us, how do i wrap myself around that and be open enough to rebuild but guarded enough to prepare myself for her possibly meeting someone else. We both think the odds are in favor of a divorce. It is a mess.

 

Sounds like she does want her cake and to eat it whenever it feels good for her. My stbxw was exactly the same way. She told me the same things as you were told, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore" "You are my best friend and I don't want to lose that" "I lost respect for you" etc etc blah blah.

 

If she doesn't know what she wants, then do what you said and move out. Time apart and no contact might be exactly what you need. She wants to hold onto the things that she enjoys about you and then be left alone whenever she wants. It can't work that way.

 

She will only really know what she missed out on once you are gone. Don't give into her every demand, don't be there for her every second of every day. She will get angry, but let her. As long as she feels like she has control she will just keep doing as she pleases.

 

My stbxw moved out on me with the kids at the start of March, a few days later she was crying asking to come back. We talked about how we needed to change things, she said she needed time. Having her come back was the worst possible thing I could have ever done. For the next 3 weeks she went out every single night, did what she wanted, talked to her online boyfriend and expected me to go to work and pay for a new place for us to live (we are living at my parents). Well, after 3 weeks I had enough and blew up on her, kicked her out and kept the kids for there sake.

 

The first week or so I did the typical begging and pleading, it just pushed her further away. Then I heard about the 180 and for my own sanity I am trying it. I told her I couldn't be friends with her at this point and that I didnt want to talk to her unless it was for the kids.

 

Of course she got mad, and she's still doing whatever she wants. So be it, that being said, she also is now starting to ask me questions about my life and I just give vague answers. I'm not being an ass or anything, but really.. she wanted the seperation, she doesn't have any right to know anything about me other than the kids.

 

A few days ago I was a mess, and every so often I might slip, I have to be honest about it. But, you need to think about what's best for you. Being stressed out about every little thing isn't a way to live. If she can move on and be happy with her new life, so can you.

 

She's going to a social this weekend and in July she plans on driving 16 or so hours to meet these internet friends of hers. Those are the things I'm trying to not care about, let her go, let do what she wants. It's not like anything I do or say will change her actions.

 

Try to be strong, start thinking about what you want rather than what she wants and how she will react. Hope it gets better for you!

[HatinIt]

Sounds like you both are convinced on one level or another that the relationship is over. I can't say that I've been in your exact situation, but I would think that it's pretty hard to come back from a partner admitting that they are no longer in love the other. I can only imagine the insecurities that would create in myself and I don't think you are doing yourself any favors by prolonging what appears to be the inevitable.

 

It also sounds like she maybe taking advantage of your willingness to cater to her. I would consider breaking ties completely and start looking toward life after her. She maybe growing accustom to your situation and likely wont realize what she has until it's gone. I don't see any downside to just ending it - she may have a change of heart, but regardless if that happens, the important thing is that you do what best for you and aren't continuing to torture yourself.

 

I do know that it can be very difficult to remain friends while romantic feelings still exist, but if you do want to at least maintain a friendship. I would tell her that you need your own space and need to get over the loss before you can accept her as a friend in a platonic relationship.

 

Bottom line - don't try to force it. I know this isn't what anyone ever wants to hear but sometimes it's the only way. If your concerned about:

[preparing] for her to tell me that she has met someone while i have been spending my time with her in hopes to reconcile

Then don't try to reconcile.

 

I don't know you or her but I know in the past that I've turned of Xs or STBXs by revealing my insecurities in a breakup. If you want her to fall back in love with you, show her the person she fell in love with - I doubt it was someone that was hurt, lacking confidence and waiting around for someone else to pull the trigger. Do your own thing, show her and yourself that that you aren't co-dependent (not saying you are) that you'll be fine with or without her.

 

Sorry, I missed the part where you said you were both women, I'm a man and was speaking from that perspective, but the advice still applies.